"I might _live_!" whispered Lane. "My G.o.d!... But that is ridiculous.
I"m shot to pieces. I"m really tired of living. And I certainly wouldn"t become a drunkard to save my life."
At this juncture the osteopath entered, putting an end to that intimate conversation. Doctor Bronson explained the case to his colleague. And fifteen minutes later Lane"s body was again straight.
Also he was wringing wet with cold sweat and quivering in every muscle.
"Gentlemen--your cure is--worse than--the disease," he panted.
Manifestly Doctor Branson"s interest in Lane had advanced beyond the professional. His tone was one of friendship when he said, "Boy, it beats h.e.l.l what you can stand. I don"t know about you. Stop your worry now. Isn"t there something you _care_ for?"
"Yes," replied Lane.
"Think of that, or it, or _her_, then to the exclusion of all else.
And give nature a chance."
"Doctor, I can"t control my thoughts."
"A fellow like you can do anything," snapped Bronson. "There are such men, now and then. Human nature is strange and manifold. All great men do not have statues erected in their honor. Most of them are unknown, unsung.... Lane, you could do anything--do you hear me?--_anything_."
Lane felt surprise at the force and pa.s.sion of the practical little physician. But he was not greatly impressed. And he was glad when the two men went away. He felt the insidious approach of one of his states of depression--the black mood--the hopeless despair--the h.e.l.l on earth. This spell had not visited him often of late, and now manifestly meant to make up for that forbearance. Lane put forth his intelligence, his courage, his spirit--all in vain. The onslaught of gloom and anguish was irresistible. Then thought of Mel Iden sustained him--held back this madness for the moment.
Every hour he lived made her dearer, yet farther away. It was the unattainableness of her, the impossibility of a fruition of love that slowly and surely removed her. On the other hand, the image of her sweet face, of her form, of her beauty, of her movements--every recall of these physical things enhanced her charm, and his love. He had cherished a delusion that it was Mel Iden"s spirit alone, the wonderful soul of her, that had stormed his heart and won it. But he found to his consternation that however he revered her soul, it was the woman also who now allured him. That moment of revelation to Lane was a catastrophe. Was there no peace on earth for him? What had he done to be so tortured? He had a secret he must hide from Mel Iden. He was human, he was alone, he needed love, but this seemed madness. And at the moment of full realization Doctor Bronson"s strange words of possibility returned to haunt and flay him. He might live! A fierce thrill like a flame leaped from his heart, along his veins. And a shudder, cold as ice, followed it. Love would kill his resignation.
Love would add to his despair. Mel Iden could never love him. He did not want her love. And yet, to live on and on, with such love as would swell and mount from his agony, with the barrier between them growing more terrible every day, was more than he cared to face. He would rather die.
And so, at length, Lane"s black demon of despair overthrew even his thoughts of Mel, and fettered him there, in darkness and strife of soul. He was an atom under the grinding, monstrous wheels of his morbid mood.
Sometime, after endless moments or hours of lying there, with crushed breast, with locked thoughts hideous and forlorn, with slow burn of pang and beat of heart, Lane heard a heavy thump on the porch outside, on the hall inside, on the stairs. Thump--thump, slow and heavy! It roused him. It drove away the drowsy, thick and thunderous atmosphere of mind. It had a familiar sound. Blair"s crutch!
Presently there was a knock on the door of his room and Blair entered.
Blair, as always, bright of eye, smiling of lip, erect, proud, self-sufficient, inscrutable and sure. Lane"s black demon stole away.
Lane saw that Blair was whiter, thinner, frailer, a little farther on that road from which there could be no turning.
"h.e.l.lo, old scout," greeted Blair, as he sat down on the bed beside Lane. "I need you more than any one--but it kills me to see you."
"Same here, Blair," replied Lane, comprehendingly.
"Gosh! we oughtn"t be so finicky about each other"s looks," exclaimed Blair, with a smile.
But neither Lane nor Blair made further reference to the subject.
Each from the other a.s.similated some force, from voice and look and presence, something wanting in their contact with others. These two had measured all emotions, spanned in little time the extremes of life, plumbed the depths, and now saw each other on the heights. In the presence of Blair, Lane felt an exaltation. The more Blair seemed to fade away from life, the more luminous and beautiful the light of his countenance. For Lane the crippled and dying Blair was a deed of valor done, a wrong expiated for the sake of others, a magnificent n.o.bility in contrast to the baseness and greed and cowardice of the self-preservation that had doomed him. Lane had only to look at Blair to feel something elevating in himself, to know beyond all doubt that the goodness, the truth, the progress of man in nature, and of G.o.d in his soul, must grow on forever.
Mel Iden had been in her home four days when Lane first saw her there.
It was a day late in June when the rich, thick, amber light of afternoon seemed to float in the air. Warm summer lay on the land. The bees were humming in the rose vines over the porch. Mrs. Iden, who evidently heard Lane"s step, appeared in the path, and nodding her gladness at sight of him, she pointed to the open door.
Lane halted on the threshold. The golden light of the day seemed to have entered the room and found Mel. It warmed the pallor of her skin and the whiteness of her dress. When he had seen her before she had worn something plain and dark. Could a white gown and the golden glow of June effect such transformation? She came slowly toward him and took his hand.
"Daren, I am home," was all she could say.
Long hours before Lane had braced himself for this ordeal. It was himself he had feared, not Mel. He played the part he had created for her imagination. Behind his composure, his grave, kind earnestness, hid the subdued and scorned and unwelcome love that had come to him.
He held it down, surrounded, encompa.s.sed, clamped, so that he dared look into her eyes, listen to her voice, watch the sweet and tragic tremulousness of her lips.
"Yes, Mel, where you should be," replied Lane.
"It was you--your offer to marry me--that melted father"s heart."
"Mel, all he needed was to be made think," returned Lane. "And that was how I made him do it."
"Oh, Daren, I thank you, for mother"s sake, for mine--I can"t tell you how much."
"Mel, please don"t thank me," he answered. "You understand, and that"s enough. Now say you"ll marry me, Mel."
Mel did not answer, but in the look of her eyes, dark, humid, with mysterious depths below the veil, Lane saw the truth; he felt it in the clasp of her hands, he divined it in all that so subtly emanated from the womanliness of her. Mel had come to love him.
And all that he had endured seemed to rise and envelop heart and soul in a strange, cold stillness.
"Mel, will you marry me?" he repeated, almost dully.
Slowly Mel withdrew her hands. The query seemed to make her mistress of herself.
"No, Daren, I cannot," she replied, and turned away to look out of a window with unseeing eyes. "Let us talk of other things.... My father says he will move away--taking me and--and--all of us--as soon as he sells the home."
"No, Mel, if you"ll forgive me, we"ll not talk of something else,"
Lane informed her. "We can argue without quarreling. Come over here and sit down."
She came slowly, as if impelled, and she stood before him. To Lane it seemed as if she were both supplicating and inexorable.
"Do you remember the last time we sat together on this couch?" she asked.
"No, Mel, I don"t."
"It was four years ago--and more. I was sixteen. You tried to kiss me and were angry because I wouldn"t let you."
"Well, wasn"t I rude!" he exclaimed, facetiously. Then he grew serious. "Mel, do you remember it was Helen"s lying that came between you and me--as boy and girl friends?"
"I never knew. Helen Wrapp! What was it?"
"It"s not worth recalling and would hurt you--now," he replied. "But it served to draw me Helen"s way. We were engaged when she was seventeen.... Then came the war. And the other night she laughed in my face because I was a wreck.... Mel, it"s beyond understanding how things work out. Helen has chosen the fleshpots of Egypt. You have chosen a lonelier and higher path.... And here I am in your little parlor asking you to marry me."
"No, no, no! Daren, don"t, I beg of you--don"t talk to me this way,"
she besought him.
"Mel, it"s a difference of opinion that makes arguments, wars and other things," he said, with a cruelty in strange ant.i.thesis to the pity and tenderness he likewise felt. He could hurt her. He had power over her. What a pang shot through his heart! There would be an irresistible delight in playing on the emotions of this woman. He could no more help it than the shame that surged over him at consciousness of his littleness. He already loved her, she was all he had left to love, he would end in a day or a week or a month by worshipping her. Through her he was going to suffer. Peace would now never abide in his soul.
"Daren, you were never like this--as a boy," she said, in wondering distress.
"Like what?"