How many times now have I stepped foot into such a lavishly decorated venue?
There were events as large as the evening party, where I first made my debut in such affairs, and smaller formal dinners where only close friends and families were invited. Ricardo, being as busy as he was, had not accompanied me to all of them.
Still, Ricardo planned it so that there was always someone by my side to support me each and every time. Whether it be Miss Seraphina, or a visibly reluctant Graham, or a military person who had caught Ricardo"s discerning eye.
I was in high spirits because both Miss Seraphina and Ricardo would be accompanying me tonight. I was currently at an evening party that was held to celebrate the long history of Marquis...o...b..dros" household.
I was a little dizzy from the number of people here because the large party was the first that I"d partic.i.p.ated in in a while, so I had walked a little way from the crowd with a drink in hand when someone called out to me.
"Is Sir Glark present?"
I turned around to find an old man with a bit of a belly that I"d met a few times previously drawing closer to me.
I remembered that he was a civil official of some sort when I dug through my memories, but I didn"t remember anything other than that.
Ricardo had left my side for a moment because there was someone whom he had to greet, and Miss Seraphina had disappeared off to somewhere after saying that she would be back soon.
I grew a little depressed at the thought that I would have to fend for myself alone as I put on an amicable smile and addressed the man by his name, which I"d finally managed to remember.
"Mr. Donostia. It"s a pleasure to see you here tonight."
"Why, yes, of course! I"ve known the Marquis for nearly twenty years now!"
It was a long period of time to know someone, but I took his words with a grain of salt because I knew it was possible that he could be simply pa.s.sing off the fact that he had met the Marquis a few times for business as a show of friendship and only made it look like I was impressed. He continued,
"You seem to be quite busy as of late, Sir Glark. People are talking about you everywhere. I"m quite jealous!"
"It"s nothing as grand as you make it out to be."
"What are you talking about? I heard that Major General Laval begged you to visit the military practice drill that"s scheduled to take place in the East. It must be difficult to be so popular. Could it be that you actually have more than one body?"
I had my doubts about what he was actually trying to ask, but I found the thought of answering it in a place where there were many people like him present rather unpalatable.
After all, I had no idea if or when anything I said would be turned against me.
"No. I have but one body. There is a limit to how many places I can be at any given time. And, while it pains me to say this, I was considering turning down the Major General"s request."
"Is that so?"
I only continued to grow irritated and exasperated by how he was acting like he understood me well.
It was a pain in the a.s.s to keep smiling at him, but I praised myself nevertheless from keeping myself from quipping back at him with sarcasm.
"Oh, yes, would you happen to have any plans of becoming a court magician, Lord Glark? I"m sure the question has come up by now."
So this is what he really wanted to ask. I learned early on once I had gained fame that there were many good-for-nothing people in the world who would always try to suck you under their own sphere of influence.
I was actually relieved by how stupidly obvious this man"s greed was as I finally understood them.
Court magicians were ent.i.ties that distinguished themselves from other magicians, whether they be unaffiliated or involved with the military. Most unaffiliated magicians lived together with the people as pharmacists or fortune tellers and the like, or they lived in forests or mountains, away from anyone else, and studied magic throughout their lives.
Most magicians who were affiliated with the military were generally unaffiliated magicians who had been summoned by the military at the onset of war. Magicians, however, generally had a weak love for the concept of nationalism, and there were many who did not wish to respond to the kingdom"s summons, so most magicians with a certain amount of power found ways to escape the summons in one way or another.
Inevitably, this meant that the magicians who joined the military were those who had not been strong enough to escape their summons or the few magicians who actually had strong affections for the kingdom.
On the other hand, court magicians were the envy of all other magicians. They were publicly acknowledged as the best pract.i.tioners of their craft and were asked to take up the mantle by the royal family.
In return, these whimsical and eccentric magicians gained enough renumeration and glory to cloud their eyes. Any magician could make great progress on their research if they gained the trust of a court magician.
"I am still young and inexperienced. I could not serve in such an imposing position."
Mr. Donostia shook his head as if he was disappointed.
"Is that so—it sounds like a waste to me."
A sweet voice cut in on our conversation.
"Oh my, who is this gentleman here?"
Miss Seraphina was standing behind me with a new gla.s.s in her hand before I knew it.
"My name is Effen Donostia! Lovely miss. I was just here to greet Sir Glark, as we"ve met previously."
"Is that so? My name is Seraphina Dreagum Solspara. I am a good friend of Mr. Halka"s."
Mr. Donostia opened his eyes wide and laughed heartily.
"Oh, so you"re the young lady of House Solspara? —I"ve heard many rumors about you!"
"What kind of rumors? I"m rather curious."
"They were all rumors singing of your praise, of course! No man would leave you alone, given your beauty and overflowing wit. Sir Glark is quite the lucky fellow. But, I"m afraid he might grow to despise me if I continue to get in his way."
Please, enjoy your time together, he said before he left, and Miss Seraphina followed him with her sharp eyes as he did.
"What did he say to you?"
"He wanted to know what I planned on doing in the future. I answered him, though, since I didn"t have anything to hide in particular."
"Is that so? I"m sure everything will be fine if that"s what you"ve determined, Mr. Halka. But there"s no such thing as being too careful, since you never know when you"ll be met with an unexpected grudge."
"You"re right. I"ll be careful."
I realized that Ricardo had been away for quite some time as I brought my drink up from my parched lips.
"I"ll go look for him."
Miss Seraphina took my arm and pointed over to where a lot of people had gathered.
"If you"re referring to Mr. Ricardo, I remember seeing him head toward the main hall earlier. We"ll have to head on over to greet people too. People have started to trickle out by now, so shall we start heading over?"
At Miss Seraphina"s urging, I put down my drink and walked over toward the crowd of people and eventually found myself at the main hall.
There was a circle of s.p.a.ce empty of people toward the end of the large room amongst the echoes of people talking to each other while putting up airs.
Standing at the center of that s.p.a.ce while being encircled by people who were looking at her was a pale and beautiful woman.
The pale coloring of her hair almost looked silver at a first glance, and her skin was so white that I almost doubted that she actually had blood running through her veins.
One look at her dress told me that she was a cut n.o.bler than anyone else present. Indeed……as if she was royalty.
And, kneeling reverently before her was a man whom I was quite familiar with.
"Ricardo."
The scene I saw before me greatly agitated my heart for some reason.
I subconsciously closed my hand into a tight fist.
The look on Ricardo"s face looked nothing like anything I had seen before.
It was like he was working hard to keep his emotions off his face, or like his individual personality had vanished from him altogether.
He was neither smiling nor showing any signs of liking or disliking the situation. But he wasn"t being cold, either. I had no doubt that he was showing his utmost courtesy and respect to the other party.
You, whom I know, are wearing a face that I don"t know and are interacting with a person whom I don"t know.
That was all it was. That was really all it was, and yet I felt like I had been thrust aside.
Miss Seraphina looked at me quietly from the side as she saw the steep furrows that had appeared on my brows.
"That"s Princess Lorensia."
"Huh?"
"The person whom Mr. Ricardo is speaking with. She"s the third princess of our kingdom. A lovely flower. She is idolized as a loving person because she frequently makes sympathy calls at hospitals."
I was terribly overwhelmed by how exalted her rank was, even though I should have known that there was no way that I could possibly compare.
Why was I so unsettled? I didn"t understand.
I remembered how I had touched Ricardo"s skin just the other day and grew so vexed at the fact that my hands couldn"t feel his touch now that I felt trapped by my own feelings.
I had never cared so much about where those cerulean eyes were looking as I did now.
Miss Seraphina looked straight at me with her strong gaze, as though she was looking straight through the fact that I was feeling so unpleasant that, like a child, I could barely control it.
"Let"s go, Mr. Halka. We must."
Miss Seraphina grasped tightly onto my arm and I understood that she did not mean to let me escape.
But, while on one hand it felt like she had become as chains that were dragging me forward, on the other, she was also supporting me up gently by the arm.
"It"ll be all right. ……I"ll be right here with you."
The tension left my body somewhat as her gentle voice seemed to wrap itself around me.
"Yes, you"re right. Let"s go."
There was something that I had to do before I figured out the cause behind my change in mood.
The people around them stepped back and made a path for us when we approached them. Princess Lorensia and Ricardo both looked to us at the same time when we got close enough.
Ricardo smiled like he always did when he saw me. This provided me a great measure of relief.
Princess Lorensia smiled at me like she had to everyone else. No one could stand next to her. Hers was the beloved face of someone who stood at the very peak.
I managed to bow to Princess Lorensia with Miss Seraphina despite how nervous I was.
"Good evening."
When Princess Lorensia called out to me, I nervously responded,
"It is an honor to meet you. My name is Halka Glark."
"It has been too long. Seraphina Dreagum Solspara, at your service."
Ricardo stood up and introduced us.
"Princess, Lady Seraphina is a good friend of mine, and Lord Halka is……someone to whom I owe a great debt."
"My, is he now?"
Princess Lorensia opened her eyes a little wider in surprise and walked closer to me.
The smile that never left her face felt like a mask to me. Was it my heart that made me feel this way?
"My name is Lorensia. I"ve heard much about you. Like how you"re quite close to Ricardo."
"Yes, it"s a great honor to have gotten to know him."
"I"ve heard much about you from Graham, since he guards me often. Ricardo used to be my guard before Graham. Right?"
"Yes,"
Ricardo replied immediately with a nod when Princess Lorensia looked to him for a response.
I hadn"t heard about this from Ricardo before, and I found it rather difficult to cut myself in between their new relationship.
I was overwhelmed by the impulse to turn around and run away even if it meant being rude.
"I will guarantee that he is as steady in his friendship as he is cordial."
Her words, which seemed to suggest that she knew Ricardo better than I did, threw my heart into disarray.
I don"t need you to tell me that,
I said, but only in my heart. I was astonished by how rude the words and impulses of my heart were.
I held back my uneasiness and tried to act as decently as I could when I replied to her.
"Meeting Ricardo was the best thing that happened in my life."
I think I"d hardly ever spoken so straightforwardly before.
Princess Lorensia looked back and forth between Ricardo, the subject of our conversation, and me before placing a hand at her lips and laughing.
"You truly are quite close."
"Yes, they are,"
Miss Seraphina concurred so firmly that I didn"t have the leisure to feel embarra.s.sed or humble.
"Ricardo disciplined himself strictly to serve both myself and the kingdom. He is a person worthy of your trust. Please do take good care of Ricardo, Mr. Glark."
"……Yes."
I couldn"t find any way to answer other than to nod. Our difference in status limited the things that I could say.
After that, Miss Seraphina took over while I struggled to find something to talk about and exchanged two or three words about her territory with Princess Lorensia.
"……It looks like there are still a few people who with to speak with you, Princess Lorensia, so we will be taking our leave,"
Miss Seraphina said just as the conversation began to die down, and the three of us bowed together.
"I was able to enjoy my time tonight thanks to all of you."
Princess Lorensia saw us off with her unchanging smile.
Miss Seraphina walked quietly while we were still in front of Princess Lorensia, but she sped up as soon as we had gotten far enough away that we couldn"t see the princess any longer.
I, whose arm she was still clinging onto, had no choice but to speed up as well.
When we had put enough distance between ourselves and Ricardo, she drew closer to my ear and whispered,
"Mr. Halka. What do you say about staying over at my place today?"
"Miss Seraphina?"
"I especially don"t wish to part with you today, for some reason. It"s all right, yes? Both my parents and my brothers are home, so there is nothing for you to worry about."
I nodded, just as she wanted me to, at the strong insistence in her voice.
When Ricardo caught up to us, Miss Seraphina smiled in such a way that would not allow him to refuse her and said,
"Mr. Ricardo. I will be borrowing Mr. Halka for the night. I would like to speak with him at leisure."
"Lady Seraphina? ……Is this all right with you, Lord Halka?"
Ricardo looked puzzled by her sudden request and turned to me for confirmation.
I, too, was unable to properly follow where this conversation was going. I failed to answer.
"Mr. Halka, you nodded when I asked you earlier."
"……Yes, I did."
I had no choice but to consent, as Miss Seraphina was being pushier than she normally was.
"In that case, I will come pick you up tomorrow evening. Please call for me immediately should anything happen."
It was decided that I would be staying the night at Miss Seraphina"s place before I knew what was going on and I found myself sitting in a carriage.
I tried to ask her what was going on, but she simply dodged the question with a smile.
I had no choice but to follow after her, anxious because I couldn"t figure out what the future held in store.
I was bewildered and wrung my hands tightly together like a young child because the situation was unfolding in a way that had nothing to do with my own will.
Was something horribly scary about to happen?
When I looked into my heart, I found that the situation had already grown so dire that I could no longer remain at peace.
And I had no doubt that Miss Seraphina would be the one to expose it.
*
I borrowed a guest room for a night and was received as could be normally expected until early next morning.
But now, I was sitting in wait at a table in a well-kept garden that was so far away from the building that I could only just barely hear the bells that called for the servants.
There were baked sweets and tea at the table, but this was clearly a place meant for holding secret talks.
There weren"t many trees around us, and neither were there many places where someone could hide. There was no need to worry that we would ever be eavesdropped on here. Miss Seraphina had personally poured me some tea when I sat down.
"Please, have some."
"Thank you."
A saccharine taste filled my mouth when I took a mouthful of the baked sweets.
There was something nostalgic about their taste, and I ended up eating the small sweets one after another.
"They"re delicious."
"I"m glad they"re to your liking."
Miss Seraphina ate some of the sweets too, but didn"t comment on their taste. It looked like she didn"t intend to make small talk.
We sat in silence and sipped our tea for a while, surrounded by the gentle breeze, before Miss Seraphina put down her cup and opened her mouth to speak.
"As I told you yesterday, Mr. Ricardo once served under Princess Lorensia as a member of the royal guard. Serving as a part of the royal guard is the fastest way for a knight to gain peerage in our kingdom. And so, it is a profession allowed only to those who possess infallible ability, and it is a path that only the most trustworthy of individuals are ever allowed to tread……. But Mr. Ricardo was recognized for his abilities and character and was quickly welcomed into the castle. He served under Princess Lorensia for a bit, but he ultimately left the royal guard of his own accord to head for war."
I hadn"t known about the peerage because it was something that was known only to those who had learned about knightly rankings, so this was new information.
But, I still didn"t know why she was telling me about the paths that Ricardo had taken up until now.
"Miss Seraphina, I don"t understand. What are you trying to tell me?"
No, that was a lie. I don"t want to know.
Miss Seraphina drew closer to me and seemed to be peering deep into my eyes.
"I hadn"t planned to inquire about your relationship with Mr. Ricardo until you were ready to tell me yourself, Mr. Halka. He only told me that he had found you, Mr. Halka, and that he was my ally in wanting to support our kingdom, but I could guess even without anyone telling me. That you and Mr. Ricardo are bound together by something grand even before your shared interests regarding the kingdom."
It was certainly true that I had never told Miss Seraphina anything about Ricardo and myself.
This wasn"t because I didn"t trust her, but rather because I thought that I shouldn"t speak out thoughtlessly about my master-servant relationship with Ricardo since it wasn"t of the normal kind.
But there was no way that Miss Seraphina, who knew about my att.i.tude toward Ricardo, wouldn"t have noticed anything.
I still didn"t know why she had pulled me aside for conversation today, but I felt as though no harm could be done in telling her about my relationship with Ricardo.
"Ricardo is my knight. He vowed himself to me."
"……I knew it. I"d already a.s.sumed as much. Or rather, I was simply confirming the fact. Since neither of you really tried to hide it when others weren"t looking."
Miss Seraphina took a deep breath and stared at me straight in the eye. Then, she continued,
"I"m about to ask you something that might be rather unpleasant. Would you please forgive me?"
"I don"t mind."
"Last night. When we met Princess Lorensia. What were you thinking at that time?"
I recalled the scene from last night vividly in my heart.
They had both been so beautiful that they were picturesque. They belonged in a perfect world in which no one else could intrude.
Miss Seraphina lowered her eyes as I started to break out in gooseb.u.mps and closed my hands into tight fists and said,
"You"re in love with him."
I cried out almost in reflex. I got up from my chair and slammed my hands down hard against the table.
"No!"
I didn"t want to acknowledge it. Please, not that. I wasn"t allowed to look at him with such wretched feelings.
"He is a n.o.ble knight! And I am his master. I return his respect for me with only perfect fondness. There are no imperfections! I don"t feel anything that would taint our relationship!"
"Mr. Halka……"
Because if I did, then I would never be able to repay him.
Because what Ricardo wished for was a master whom he could serve.
I wanted to be what Ricardo wanted of me, no matter what that meant I would become. I had to.
He was the one who had come in and filled up the hole that had been left in my heart after my teacher had pa.s.sed away.
He was more precious to me than anything else. That was why I couldn"t let myself hold any wicked feelings toward him, not when he had vowed himself to me as a knight.
And yet.
……And yet.
The straightforward desire that my arisen in my heart back then…
No. No, no, no, no.
Please, turn his eyes toward me! Please, let me be the one reflected in his eyes!
I"m the person who"s supposed to stand by your side, Ricardo!
Just who are your eyes looking at when I was sure without a doubt that you were mine?!
Ricardo! Please. Look at me.
Ahh, what kind of stupid wishes had arisen in my heart back then?
The truth differed vastly from what was ideal. My feelings were so strong that I wanted only to turn a blind eye toward them.
Miss Seraphina got up from her seat and came up to me as I stood there petrified.
Why do you look like you"re about to cry? You"re a strong woman, aren"t you?
"My parents opposed quite vehemently when I told them that I wished to fight on the battlefield alongside my brothers. I understood that their reaction was only natural because I am a daughter from a n.o.ble household, but I could not accept it in my heart. But……now I feel like I can empathize with my parents for refusing me."
Miss Seraphina"s strong-willed eyes were br.i.m.m.i.n.g with unshed tears. She continued,
"You"re a woman, aren"t you?"
I found myself at as loss for words when she correctly guessed my true gender.
I did not want to accept that my behavior had been to effeminately jealous that she had figured out that I was actually a woman.
"You had to give up everything so that you wouldn"t be looked down upon, didn"t you? After all, you wouldn"t be able to protect the kingdom if you didn"t do at least that much."
Gender didn"t matter if you were a magician.
But that wasn"t the case for everything else that wasn"t related to magic.
I doubted that a male-dominated society like the military would follow my lead if they knew that I was a woman.
"Who on earth would follow me if they knew who I really am?"
That was why I had no choice but to lie.
"How long do you plan to keep this up?"
There was something incredibly cruel about that question.
If I was asked, then I had to answer. And once I answered, it would become a declaration.
I was not cunning enough to keep my mouth shut. After all, I already had my answer.
I swallowed everything that I had realized about myself just now and said,
"Forever, and as long as I must."
Because that was why I was here.
I would resign myself to the fact that no one would know me for who I really am.
Finally, a single tear fell from the corner of Miss Seraphina"s eye.
"I once told you that I wished I was a man. And so, I don"t intend to speak out against what you"re doing, Miss Halka. But our kingdom isn"t so weak that it must rest upon the shoulders of one single woman."
Did that mean that Miss Seraphina had wished that she was someone like me?
To mingle amongst the men, to fight with them, and to become as a shield to protect the kingdom.
But, did that also mean that I looked so pained right now that even Miss Seraphina, who had wished to do like I had done, looked at me in pity?
I"d thought that I had finally solved the riddle, but it looked like there were still things that I didn"t understand.
"Miss Seraphina. I feel like I"m about to lose my way because of you. Am I wrong? Do I look foolish to you? Will I not be able to protect the kingdom by continuing down my path?"
"Please let me say this as your friend. This kingdom is not worth protecting if it means that my precious friend cannot be true to herself."
Ever so gently, her words carved themselves into my heart.
"……It looks like your escort has arrived."
I saw Ricardo, who had come to pick me up, at the end of Miss Seraphina"s gaze.
I could not bring myself to look directly at his face.
"I"ll be heading back now."
I turned my back on Miss Seraphina and walked straight toward Ricardo without ever looking back.
Her endlessly kind words followed after me from behind as I walked away.
"I will be praying that the end of the path you"ve chosen is bright and br.i.m.m.i.n.g with hope, Miss Halka."
I slipped past Ricardo, who was bewildered by the unusual mood in the air, and hurried toward the gates.
I felt Ricardo"s presence as he followed after me.
That was all it took to put my heart at ease, though I was sure that it was all just an illusion.
"What"s wrong, Lord Halka? Did something unpleasant happen to you?"
Ricardo asked upon seeing how strangely Miss Seraphina and I were acting.
"……No. It was nothing."
I had absolutely no intention of telling him anything. I steeled myself and said my next words as to brush it all away.
"Nothing happened that you need to worry about."
*
I was forced to accept how difficult it was to kill off my feelings as I looked back at my reflection in the mirror. I would spit out the contents of my heart so that no one would find out.
What kind of face it that? I look like a woman who"s been thrown away.
I hated the unreliable distortions that appeared in my face when I was supposed to look like a boy.
I buried the feelings that weren"t supposed to exist within me deep into my heart. I glared at the image in the mirror as sternly as though I was standing before the enemy. The image glared back at me spitefully when I did.
I thought that I at least looked a little better now. Still, I felt like it was only exposing yet another foolish aspect of myself, so I fished out a piece of cloth that I had on hand and threw it at the mirror to put an end to our stupid exchange.
It was only then that I finally realized that someone had been watching me.
Alfred was standing in wait while erasing his presence so that he wouldn"t get in my way as usual, but his gaze as he looked at me was clearly emitting a sort of pressure that refused to allow me to turn away.
He uttered only a few words, instead of saying many.
"How weak you are."
I thought I would die of embarra.s.sment. My face flushed red and I grew outraged at this man who had overstepped his bounds as a servant.
"What do you mean by that?"
"What happened at Lady Solspara"s place? You"ve been making faces one after another. Did she bully you or something? Or, perhaps, has she betrayed you?"
"No, never."
"Then, why do you look so wounded? You look so weak right now that I feel like I could blow you away just by breathing in your direction."
I made no effort to respond. Now wasn"t the time to be so shaken by something as trivial as this, and yet it looked like I would be made a fool of by Alfred for my immaturity as well. He continued,
"Or, perhaps you"ve found something that you want but can never have."
With terrifying precision, Alfred guessed at the biggest obstacle to me that I was trying so desperately to turn away from.
This man, who was so talented that it was a waste that he was serving under me, was not so naïve that he would miss even the slight pause when I had caught my breath.
"You should just make it yours no matter what you have to do to make it happen. All the more so if it"s your weakness."
"It"s something that would shatter if it ever became mine. It"s best that I continue to simply look at it, as I have been. Isn"t that enough, Alfred? Please stop this."
Finally, I tried to end this conversation by throwing up the white flag of surrender. After all, Alfred was saying this without knowing what it was that I wanted anyway. He had simply poked at me in curiosity because I had been making strange faces —there was no deeper meaning to it.
And yet, Alfred continued on persistently as though he was keeping me from offhandedly ending our conversation.
"Wouldn"t it make you happier to make it yours, even if it meant breaking it, rather than to simply wring your hands and watch from a distance?"
"Having its broken fragments in my hands would only make me happy for an instant. And that happiness would quickly turn into despair over how empty it had become."
"But even then, you would not be able to taste that despair until you have what you want. Have you never felt that you wanted to make both the joy and the despair yours?"
I could not help but falter before the powerful words he had thrust at me. I found myself squaring off against Alfred before I knew it.
There was no deeper meaning to this.
But was that really true?
He didn"t know what it was that I wanted.
But was that really true?
Alfred normally looked like a man of gentle features who was easily lost in a crowd, but now I was being made to understand vividly that he gave off that impression on purpose to hide his true nature.
There was a sharp blaze in his eyes that reminded me of a starved beast staring down its newfound prey. Someone like me would never be able to run away now that he had exposed his true nature.
"You were shouldered with a t.i.tle that you never even wanted, and yet you won"t even run away. How very earnest you are. Then, at least one. Don"t you think you should be allowed to have at least one thing that you wanted?"
His gaze was hot as it met mine. It was so hot that I wanted to escape it, but his eyes had captured me and refused to allow me to escape them. It was like my heart was being burned by invisible flames. His feelings came beating down at me without hesitation.
His words seemed to suggest that he was trying to urge me into action, but I felt like the man before me would swallow me whole the very moment I concurred.
I was made to realize how foolish I was for taking things easy against him. He was by my side all day every day. And he observed me carefully all the while.
Alfred. This man. He knew everything.
How long had he known? What was the purpose of his questioning? And why did he have such a ferocious look on his face, like he"s about to devour me?
"Weak. Weak. So weak. You"re always so defenseless before me. You"re always exposing yourself to me."
Alfred drew closer to me. I took a step back without breaking off eye contact. But, unfortunately, I could not back away any further than that because my back had hit against a wall. His smile, which was like that of a beast licking its lips, closed in on me. He pulled closer to me, oozing of fierce allure, and whispered from up so close that he was practically touching my cheek.
"……Just say it. That it"s all right to take what you want even if it means breaking it in the process."
I couldn"t breathe. My heart was running wild inside my chest.
Just who on earth is this person?
I had never seen this fervor in his eyes before. It made me want to reach out and touch them, even though I knew I would get burned if I did.
"You want to devour it so badly you can"t help yourself. You"re so close, and yet so far away. That"s the kind of feelings you"re experiencing, aren"t you?"
Alfred said decisively, as if he was the one who was struggling to control such feelings.
He stroked my hair with gentle hands, as though he was expressing his pity for me.
"It"s understandable. You"ve been watching over such a fine specimen of man from up close all this time, after all. It"s only natural that you"re attracted to him."
It couldn"t be helped. It was his fault for swaying my heart. Just make him mine. I already have the means to make it happen.
Dark words sprang up from my heart and overlapped with Alfred"s.
Suddenly, I understood why he was looking at me with those eyes while urging me to make Ricardo mine.
He was similar to me. He was showing me that the feelings that I was so desperately trying to seal away were nothing special.
The intensity of the very thing that I was trying so hard to ignore was being thrust right in front of my eyes.
And, as sweetly as the devil himself, Alfred was trying to expose me.
"……I mean, after all. You"re a…"
"Don"t say it!"
I stopped his ruinous words right before he could say them. He would no longer be able to stay here if those words ever left his mouth.
I would not be able to protect him if I acknowledged that Alfred was looking at me in that way. Regardless of how skilled he was. And that was why I had no choice but to reprimand him.
"Don"t look down on me, Alfred. Just who do you think you"re talking to?! I am Ricardo"s master. I"ll admit that I"m immature. I"ll admit that I"m not perfect. But I won"t allow you to deny the fact that I"m doing my best to answer to the honest loyalty that is directed at me!"
I straightened out my back, which I had been arching backwards because I was cornered, and glared at him.
The light in the burning flames of Alfred"s eyes changed color when I stood firm on my legs, as though to declare that I was of no mind to lose.
"……So weak and yet so strong. You"re rather strange. For someone to possess both qualities at once…"
The ecstasy in his eyes was so saccharine and dense that I could hardly believe that it was directed at me.
It dispersed in the span of a few blinks. Alfred put away his ferocious nature and smiled after returning to the amicable visage he usually wore.
"I won"t say it. And, there"s no way that I would purposefully trip over someone who"s currently fighting."
His change in behavior was a quick as his words were deflating. All traces of the beast had vanished from Alfred"s being as if it had all been but a dream.
I finally gained some time to think about his behavior now that he had returned to his normal gentle expression.
Alfred had declared that he would not speak about that which he had already noticed.
It was essentially the same thing as saying that he would hide away that fervor he was carrying within him again. And it was all undoubtedly for my sake.
"Please remain standing strong. I will be loyal to you for as long as you do."
I realized something and removed the cloth that I had thrown on the mirror to confirm it. Looking back at me was the face I wore when I went to battle —one which left no openings for my enemies to exploit.
I finally understood that our exchange from earlier was his rather extreme way of encouraging me.
He had felt the need to corner me so far because I had been so shaken.
I had made him do that. I shuddered at the weight of the sins I had committed against him. And I couldn"t even atone for what I had done.
All I could do was to nod at him quietly, since I couldn"t allow myself to lower my head so easily either.
What would have happened if I had given in to temptation and uttered my desires out loud?
I felt like, if I had, I would have been broken so thoroughly by that violent beast that there was nothing of me left.