The Definite Object.
by Jeffery Farnol.
CHAPTER I
WHICH DESCRIBES, AMONG OTHER THINGS, A PAIR OF WHISKERS
In the writing of books, as all the world knows, two things are above all other things essential--the one is to know exactly when and where to leave off, and the other to be equally certain when and where to begin.
Now this book, naturally enough, begins with Mr. Brimberly"s whiskers; begins at that moment when he coughed and pulled down his waistcoat for the first time. And yet (since action is as necessary to the success of a book as to life itself) it should perhaps begin more properly at the psychological moment when Mr. Brimberly coughed and pulled down the garment aforesaid for the third time, since it is then that the real action of this story commences.
Be that as it may, it is beyond all question that nowhere in this wide world could there possibly be found just such another pair of whiskers as those which adorned the plump cheeks of Mr. Brimberly; without them he might have been only an ordinary man, but, possessing them, he was the very incarnation of all that a butler could possibly be.
And what whiskers these were! So soft, so fleecy, so purely white, that at times they almost seemed like the wings of cherubim, striving to soar away and bear Mr. Brimberly into a higher and purer sphere. Again, what Protean whiskers were these, whose fleecy pomposity could overawe the most superior young footmen and reduce page-boys, tradesmen, and the lower orders generally, to a state of perspiring humility; to his equals how calmly aloof, how blandly dignified; and to those a misguided fate had set above him, how demurely deferential, how obligingly obsequious! Indeed, Mr. Brimberly"s whiskers were all things to all men, and therein lay their potency.
Mr. Brimberly then, pompous, affable, and most sedate, having motioned his visitor into his master"s favourite chair, set down the tray of decanters and gla.s.ses upon the piano, coughed, and pulled down his waistcoat; and Mr. Brimberly did it all with that air of portentous dignity and leisurely solemnity which, together with his whiskers, made him the personality he was.
"And you"re still valeting for Barberton, are you, Mr. Stevens?" he blandly enquired.
"I"ve been with his lordship six months, now," nodded Mr. Stevens.
"Ah!" said Mr. Brimberly, opening a certain carved cabinet and reaching thence a box of his master"s choicest Havanas, "six months, indeed! And "ow is Barberton? I hacted in the capacity of his confidential valet a good many years ago, as I told you, and we always got on very well together, very well, indeed. "ow is Barberton?"
"Oh, "e "d be right enough if it warn"t for "is gout which gets "im in the big toe now and then, and "is duns and creditors and sich-like low fellers, as gets "im everywhere and constant! "E"ll never be quite "imself until "e marries money--and plenty of it!"
"A American hair-ess!" nodded Mr. Brimberly. "Pre-cisely! I very nearly married "im to a rich widder ten years ago. "E"d "ave been settled for life if "e "d took my advice! But Barberton was always inclined to be a little "eadstrong. The widder in question "appened to be a trifle par-say, I"ll admit, also it was "inted that one of "er--lower limbs was cork. But then, "er money, sir--"er jools!" Mr. Brimberly raised eyes and hands and shook his head until his whiskers quivered in a very ecstasy.
"But a wooden leg--" began Mr. Stevens dubiously.
"I said "limb", sir!" said Mr. Brimberly, his whiskers distinctly agitated, "a cork limb, sir! And Lord bless me, a cork limb ain"t to be sniffed at contemptuous when it brings haffluence with it, sir! At least, my sentiments leans that way."
"Oh--ditto, certainly, sir! I"d take haffluence to my "eart if she came with both le--both of "em cork, if it meant haffluence like this!" Mr.
Stevens let his pale, prominent eyes wander slowly around the luxuriant splendour of the room. "My eye!" he exclaimed, "it"s easy to see as your governor don"t have to bother about marrying money, cork limbs or otherwise! Very rich, ain"t "e, Mr. Brimberly?"
Mr. Brimberly set down the decanter he chanced to be holding, and having caressed each fluffy whisker, smiled.
"I think, sir," said he gently, "y-es, I think we may answer "yes" to your latter question. I think we may tell you and admit "ole-"earted and frank, sir, that the Ravenslee fortune is fab"lous, sir, stoopendious and himmense!"
"Oh, Lord!" exclaimed Mr. Stevens, and his pale eyes, much wider, now wandered up from the Persian rug beneath his boots to the elaborately carved ceiling above his head. "My aunt!" he murmured.
"Oh, I think we"re fairly comfortable "ere, sir," nodded Mr. Brimberly complacently, "yes, fairly comfortable, I think."
"Comfortable!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the awe-struck Mr. Stevens, "I should say so!
My word!"
"Yes," pursued Mr. Brimberly, "comfortable, and I ventur" to think, tasteful, sir, for I"ll admit young Ravenslee--though a millionaire and young--"as taste. Observe this costly bricky-brack! Oh, yes, young Har is a man of taste indoobitably, I think you must admit."
"Very much so indeed, sir!" answered Mr. Stevens with his pallid glance on the array of bottles. ""Three Star," I think, Mr. Brimberly?"
"Sir," sighed Mr. Brimberly in gentle reproach, "you "ere be"old Cognac brandy as couldn"t be acquired for twenty-five dollars the bottle! Then "ere we "ave jubilee port, a rare old sherry, and whisky. Now what shall we make it? You, being like myself, a Englishman in this "ere land of eagles, spread and otherwise, suppose we make it a B and a Hess?"
"By all means!" nodded Mr. Stevens.
"I was meditating," said Mr. Brimberly, busied with the bottles and gla.s.ses, "I was cogitating calling hup Mr. Jenkins, the Stanways" butler across the way. The Stanways is common people, parvynoo, Mr. Stevens, parvynoo, but Mr. Jenkins is very superior and plays the banjer very affecting. Our "ousekeeper and the maids is gone to bed, and I"ve give our footmen leave of habsence--I thought we might "ave a nice, quiet musical hour or so. You perform on the piano-forty, I believe, sir?"
"Only very occasional!" Mr. Stevens admitted. "But," and here his pale eyes glanced toward the door, "do I understand as he is out for the night?"
"Sir," said Mr. Brimberly ponderously, "what "e" might you be pleased to mean?"
"I was merely allooding to--to your governor, sir."
Mr. Brimberly glanced at his guest, set down the gla.s.s he was in the act of filling and--pulled down his waistcoat for the second time.
"Sir," said he, and his cherubic whiskers seemed positively to quiver, "I presoom--I say, I presoom you are referring to--Young Har?"
"I meant Mr. Ravenslee."
"Then may I beg that you"ll allood to him "enceforth as Young Har? This is Young Har"s own room, sir. These is Young Har"s own picters, sir.
When Young Har is absent, I generally sit "ere with me cigar and observe said picters. I"m fond of hart, sir; I find hart soothing and restful.
The picters surrounding of you are all painted by Young Har"s very own "and--subjeks various. Number one--a windmill very much out o" repair, but that"s hart, sir. Number two--a lady dressed in what I might term dish-a-bell, sir, and there isn"t much of it, but that"s hart again.
Number three--a sunset. Number four--moonlight; "e didn"t get the moon in the picter but the light"s there and that"s the great thing--effect, sir, effect! Of course, being only studies, they don"t look finished--which is the most hartisticest part about "em! But, lord!
Young Har never finishes anything--too tired! "Ang me, sir, if I don"t think "e were born tired! But then, "oo ever knew a haristocrat as wasn"t?"
"But," demurred Mr. Stevens, staring down into his empty gla.s.s, "I thought "e was a American, your--Young Har?"
"Why, "e is and "e ain"t, sir. His father was only a American, I"ll confess, but his mother was blue blood, every drop guaranteed, sir, and as truly English as--as I am!"
"And is "e the Mr. Ravenslee as is the sportsman? Goes in for boxing, don"t "e? Very much fancied as a heavyweight, ain"t "e? My governor"s seen him box and says "e"s a perfect snorter, by Jove!"
Mr. Brimberly sighed, and soothed a slightly agitated whisker.
"Why, yes," he admitted, "I"m afraid "e does box--but only as a ammitoor, Mr. Stevens, strickly as a ammitoor, understand!"
"And he"s out making a night of it, is "e?" enquired Mr. Stevens, leaning back luxuriously and stretching his legs. "Bit of a rip, ain"t "e?"
"A--wot, sir?" enquired Mr. Brimberly with raised brows.
"Well, very wild, ain"t he--drinks, gambles, and hetceteras, don"t he?"
"Why, as to that, sir," answered Mr. Brimberly, dexterously performing on the syphon, "I should answer you, drink "e may, gamble "e do, hetceteras I won"t answer for, "im being the very hacme of respectability though "e is a millionaire and young."
"And when might you expect "im back?"
"Why, there"s no telling, Mr. Stevens."
"Eh?" exclaimed Mr. Stevens, and sat up very suddenly.