After a.n.a.lyzing her for way too long, I decide that it"s not my f.u.c.king problem-she"s not my f.u.c.king problem. I need to move on, cut whatever it is that"s drawing me to her, get over my developing obsession with the mysterious girl who jumps out windows and seems to show up wherever I go. Leaving most of my thoughts of Violet behind, I shove through the crowd and push to the kitchen where the counters are lined with bottles and bottles of alcohol. There are so many choices it"s like Christmas. I select a bottle of Crown Royal and slam back another shot... or two... or three... or four... until they all blur together and I can"t think anymore.
When I"m almost gone, veering on blacking out, I find the first decent-looking girl I come across and flirt with her until we"re heading back to one of the rooms. It doesn"t take long after the door shuts before our clothes are off and I"m thrusting inside her. The headboard bangs against the wall as I pin her hands down to the side of her head and she screams out, not my name because we never got that far. Her head is tipped back, her neck arched, her skin beaded with sweat. As I stare down at her, thrusting our hips together, all I think about is how I can do anything to her right now. For a second it feels right. I don"t feel so helpless and f.u.c.ked up inside. So controlled by the things around me and my past. I feel drunk and high on this girl under me, who"s ready to give me whatever I want. For a brief moment I have control over everything. There"s not all this noise inside me, reminding me of the bad and horrible stuff that makes up my past. I feel content and still inside. Then I"m pulling out of her and the wholeness inside me empties out. The girl rolls over to her side and moments later she pa.s.ses out. The control I felt over the situation is dissipating and I feel like helpless kid again, which is so f.u.c.ked up. I climb out of bed and get dressed, and then I leave her behind, hoping I never cross paths with her again. As I exit the room, the control fleetingly rises again, but once I step out into the living room again it"s all gone. Leaving me to try and outrun it again.
Violet After I leave Luke on the dance floor, I hurry for the back of the house, trying not to run, but I can"t help but walk quickly. The guy I was working before I headed out to Luke catches me by the arm as I"m crossing the kitchen.
"Hey, where"d you go?" he asks as he reaches for a beer on the counter. "I thought we were going to go somewhere and talk."
"We will, but I have to take care of something first." Before he can respond, I jerk my arm out of his hold and leave him behind with his jaw hanging open. I burst out the back door and then stare at the small lake a little ways out in the backyard. There"s a dock stretching out over it and that"s where I head, pushing past the crowd and to the gra.s.s, the sounds and lights of the party disappearing the farther away I get. The closer I get to the water, the quicker I walk, the pain in my ankle tearing at my muscles. When my bare feet brush the wood of the dock, I run as fast as I can toward the edge. My heart thrashes in my chest, my blood pumping furiously. It wants to escape the adrenaline rush, but me, I embrace it, bask in it as the adrenaline pours through me like liquid fire, burning away everything I feel at the moment; the want, the desire, the way I let Luke touch me and how I let myself feel when he touched me. He wasn"t just groping me. What was going on inside my body was very real. Too real. So real I actually briefly considered going back to a room with him and letting him do whatever to me because I wanted him to.
When I reach the end of the dock, I gather every ounce of energy I have left and jump, releasing all the oxygen from my lungs until I"m empty of air. Empty of everything. Seconds later, I crash into the water and the cold water floods over my body, drenching my dress, my skin, my hair. It weighs me down, drags me under, and I don"t fight back. I willingly let it take me over.
I remember when I finally realized that my parents weren"t coming back. That they were dead and the blood I saw all over them wasn"t just in my imagination. That the images of them lying on the floor, their bodies still, and their eyes open wasn"t just a picture I"d drawn up in my head. It was real. The reality that I was alone started to seep in and even at six years old I knew that nothing would ever be the same.
I"d never be the same.
It was hard to feel it, the blunt truth that I didn"t have parents anymore. There was a lot of pain. A lot of razors slicing at me from the inside. Needles stabbing at my veins. A hole rapidly growing inside my heart. I felt it-I felt everything. I"d wake up sometimes at night clawing at my skin, trying to dig the feeling out of me, but all I"d ever get were cuts and scratches.
The first couple that took me in thought I was crazy. I heard them talking about it once, that they worried I"d hurt them or myself and why wouldn"t they after what"d I"d seen. Death. Violence. Murder. The morbid part of life-it was branded into my head, which meant I was going to become morbid myself. It confused me and I think I actually started to believe that it might really happen, that I changed into a violent person. Between the idea that I"d end up hurting someone and the constant pain inside me, I decided to give up feeling all together. Turn it off. Shut down. Self-induced numbness.
It was hard at first, especially at night when my mind seemed insistent on remembering everything. But one night when I woke up from a nightmare, panicked and my head a little muddled, I"d gotten confused and thought I was back at my old house. I"d run out of my room, miscalculating where the stairs started and I ended up tripping. I nearly had a heart attack as I fell down the stairs, the carpet sc.r.a.ping at my back and legs, my life flashing before my eyes. When I finally reached the bottom, I stared up at the ceiling feeling the adrenaline pounding through my body and all the pain and fear I"d felt from my dream was replaced by a rush of energy. For a second, I couldn"t feel the razors or needles or the hole in my heart. My mind and body were content. It was the first real moment of peace I"d felt in a while and it was silently and painfully beautiful.
After that, it became a habit. I"d wake up in a panic and run out of my room and fall down the stairs. I was intentionally doing it and I knew it was insane, but it was making me feel better. My foster parents were heavy sleepers and didn"t notice at first, but I did wake them up occasionally. At first I played it off as being sleepy and confused but by the sixth or seventh time they started to wonder if something was up and they started asking questions. So I told them the truth, hoping they"d understand. They looked at me with fear in their eyes and two weeks later I was moved to a new home. After that, I stopped telling the truth and I found different ways to get my adrenaline rushes. Running out in front of cars, standing on top of buildings, letting myself sink into the water until my lungs felt like they were going to combust.
I know what I"m doing is dangerous, but I don"t care. It"s better than feeling the razors. The needles. The unhealable hole in my heart.
The water is cold but not very deep and I reach the bottom quickly. I let myself sink to the ground, my knees pressing against the muddy bottom. My arms float to my side, my hair in my face. Above my head, the moon glows distortedly and beautifully through the ripples in the water. Everything is silent. The water. The night. The emotion inside me. I shut my eyes. I let myself start to drown. I stay as still as I can until my lungs ache to burst. Until I become light-headed. Until I feel myself start to leave reality. Until I"m at the point where I"m about to no longer exist. Then I push upward. Bubbles float from my mouth as I rise, kicking my feet. I stretch my arms up and moments later I burst through the water, gasping for air. Adrenaline is drowning the inside of my body as my lungs fight to breathe-fight to stay alive. Water drips down my hair into my face as I lie back and float in the water, staring up at the moon, my chest rising and falling, up and down, my body half above the water and half below.
Chapter 6.
Luke I was seven when I realized that there was something really wrong with my home environment. It wasn"t something I"d slowly discovered. It was suddenly forced on me when my mother showed up in the middle of the night after being gone somewhere for hours. She was freaking out, chattering about being sorry. I think she was high out of her mind and it looked like there was blood on her hands and clothes, but when I asked her about it-even though I was scared s.h.i.tless of her answer-she only hugged me for hours, rocking me like a baby, and told me everything was going to be okay. The thing was nothing was ever okay from that point on. It"s still not okay, but livable, as long as I have enough alcohol in my system that the f.u.c.ked-up parts of my life don"t feel real. As long as I have control over the things that I do I"m fine. The problem is that lately the control I"ve worked so hard to get is slipping from my fingers.
School ends in a few days and it"s getting close to the day when I should be heading home, back to the h.e.l.lhole where nothing feels right and I feel like a G.o.d d.a.m.n kid again. Kayden"s already got most of his stuff packed, his side of the room covered in taped-up boxes. He is over at Callie"s dorm helping her out right now and I haven"t even gotten started on my side, the bed still made, my clothes still in the dresser. I"m seriously contemplating lighting it on fire and living in my truck. I haven"t even bothered talking to my father since our last conversation. He"s called a few times, but hasn"t left any messages.
"Look I"m sorry I"m breaking your heart or whatever," I pace the length of my small dorm room between the two beds with the phone pressed up to my ear, shaking my head at pretty much every word she utters, "But I"m seriously going to stay here." I"m so full of s.h.i.t. I officially have nowhere to stay. All the apartments for rent cost too much money. At this point I"ve been searching for a roommate, but I can"t seem to find one. It"s just the wrong time or something and I f.u.c.king hate it because I don"t want to go back to my hometown, Star Grove.
"Lukey," she starts. I hate it when she calls me that and even now it makes me feel nauseous. "You need to come home and take care of me. I"ve started taking my medications again and I need your help."
"Which ones?" I say disdainfully, kicking at the leg of my bed, the need to pound a hole into something rising in me like a flame burning toward a pool of gasoline. "Your heroin? Your crushed-up pain meds? c.o.ke? Whiskey? Which one is it, Mother?"
"You act like I don"t need it," she says, sounding hurt. "I do. I need it, Lukey. I need it more than anything otherwise I think too much and bad stuff happens when I think too much. You know that."
"Bad stuff happens regardless of what you"re on." I slam my boot into the leg of the bed over and over again, the bed slamming into the wall, and my foot starts to hurt. f.u.c.k! "And you know I"m too old to believe that s.h.i.t, Mother. I know you"re just doing drugs for the same reason that everyone else is in the world and that"s to escape whatever it is you"re running from. It"s not some doctor prescription like you convinced me it was when I was six."
"But it is, sweetie." Her voice is high-pitched as if she"s talking to a child. "The doctors just haven"t realized I need it yet."
I hate her. I hate myself for hating her so much. I hate the hate inside me and how out of control it makes me feel. I hate that every time I get even remotely close to anyone, I think of all the horrible things she made me do-the h.e.l.l she put me through. "You know what I think," I say and storm over to the wall. "I think you"ve done too much of it and now you"ve lost it." I pause, wondering how she"s going to respond. I"m usually not so blunt with her, instead avoiding her at all costs. But the moving back is getting to me.
"You think I"m crazy?" she asks in a subdued voice. I hear rustling in the background and I don"t even want to know what she"s doing. "Is that what you think? Does my little boy think his mother is insane?"
I press my fingertips to my temple, the muscles in my arms tightening with my frustration. "I don"t know what I"m saying."
"You"re sounding like all the rest of them," she says and something loud bangs in the background.
"All the rest of who?" I ask, rolling my eyes.
"The neighbors," she whispers and then pauses. "I think they"ve been watching me... And there"s this car parked out front... I think it"s the police watching me again."
"The police aren"t watching you again-they never were. They just questioned you once for G.o.d knows what, you never would tell me."
"They are, too, Lukey. They"re after me again."
I shake my head and the list of what "medication" she"s been taking becomes shorter because there are only a few of them that bring out her paranoia. "No one"s after you and you want to know why? Because no one cares."
"You care about me, though." Panic fills her tone. "Don"t you, Lukey?"
I sink down on the bed and lower my head into my hands. G.o.d, I wish I could just say no. Tell her I hate her. Rid my life of her. But I can"t seem to bring myself to say it aloud, always bound by that stupid little kid that lives inside me, the one that always helped her, felt like he had to because no one else would. "Yeah, sure."
"That"s my good boy," she tells me and I feel the burn of approaching vomit at the back of my throat. "Always taking care of me. I can"t wait for you to come home. We"re going to have so much fun."
I know what her version of fun is-cleaning the house together, having me help her with whatever drugs she"s taking, sit with her, listen to her sing, be her best friend and enter her insane world of drug-induced ranting. I can"t go back and live with her. In that house. In my room. With the insanity. Her telling me she needs me. Needs. Needs. Needs. Just going back for Christmas was enough and I wasn"t even there that much. If I end up with her there I can probably get a job and party a lot just to avoid going home, but in the end I"ll have to go home. I never want to go back. I ran away from all that s.h.i.t when I was sixteen and I can"t go back. I need to get out of going home no matter what it takes. "I have to go." Before she can say anything I hang up.
I toss the phone aside on the bed and rock back and forth, breathing back the impulse to scream and hit something. I know if anyone walked in and saw me like this they"d think I"d lost my mind, but I can"t stop the wave of anger and panic once it surfaces like this. Only three things do it for me. s.e.x and alcohol and violence.
I keeping rocking and rocking but the rage inside me rises and mixes with the vile feeling of shame I always carry with me. I feel a wave of rage building and building as it makes it"s way through my body toward the outside of me. If I don"t do something soon I"m going to end up destroying the room. Finally, I can"t stand it any longer. I jump up from the bed and storm for the wall again. This time I don"t stop. I just bend my arm back and ram my fist against the wall over and over again, heat and rage blasting through my body. After the fifth slam of my fist, I"m trembling from head to toe and there"s a fist-size hole in the wall and each one of my knuckles are split open. Kayden was already worried about fixing the door and now the wall"s messed up. I"m really on a roll. I need to get out of here because it still feels like I need to hit something. Kick something. Beat the s.h.i.t out of something. I need to get the anger building inside me out, before it takes control of me, and there"s only one way to do that and it requires a lot of physical pain and alcohol, but I want it. More than anything.
Violet I"m in a super s.h.i.tty mood today, the invisible razors and needles I haven"t felt in a long time are back, slicing at my skin as my irritation builds. At first it was a slow-building irritation, over life in general. I tried to tell myself over and over again that it was nothing-that I was just in a mood. But I think it might be something deeper, like the fact that I find myself missing a certain someone.
I never miss anyone. And all I want to do is turn it off, yet at the same time I don"t.
It"s confusing and slightly annoying As I"m packing my boxes, telling myself to stop thinking about him, my phone rings and the song playing means it"s an unknown number. When I answer it the person breathes heavily and then hangs up.
"Seriously," I say to the phone, before setting it down on my bed. I move over to the desk, searching through the papers stacked on it, wondering if any of them are mine. As I"m reaching the bottom stack, my phone rings again, same ringtone, unknown number.
I glare at the phone as I pick it up. I don"t even get to h.e.l.lo this time, before the caller hangs up. It happens again and again and finally, after the seventh or eighth I tell the person off.
"Look, if you don"t stop calling me," I say, "I"m going to track you down and cut your b.a.l.l.s off."
"What if I"m a girl?" he asks with a hint of laughter in his tone.
I sit down on my bed and cross my legs. "Then you really need to stop taking so much testosterone since your voice is lower than a normal dude"s voice."
He laughs, like I was amusing, but I"m being serious. "You"re funny."
"I"m not trying to be."
"Well, you are."
I shake my head. "What the h.e.l.l do you want? And who are you?"
"I"m looking for Violet Hayes," he says.
I go rigid. I don"t recognize his voice-he shouldn"t know my last name.
"Who the h.e.l.l is this?" I start to grow nervous as I glance around my empty room. It"s been a long time since I"ve felt uneasy with being alone, but the old feelings are emerging, the feeling that someone is watching me, waiting to hurt me like they should have done twelve years ago.
"The Violet Hayes who was part of the Hayes murder case," he says.
I hang up on him and chuck the phone across the room. It dents the wall and I think I broke it until it rings again. I let it ring and ring, then it silences as it goes to voicemail. But then it starts ringing again, until finally I can"t take it anymore. I get up and track the sound of the ringtone to the corner of the room, where I find the phone wedged between the leg of the desk and the wall. I bend down and fumble around until I get a hold of it.
"What the h.e.l.l do you want, a.s.shole?" I practically shout in the phone as I stand back up.
"Is this Violet Hayes?"
"Oh my G.o.d, are you being serious? I don"t want to talk to you, whoever you are, so stop calling."
He pauses. "This is Detective Stephner. I need to speak to Violet Hayes."
I hesitate as I wander back to my bed. "Did you just call me?"
"No..." He sounds lost and gives an elongated pause. "I"m calling you to see if you can come meet with me. I"d like to talk to you about your parents" murder."
It takes me a second to answer. "Why?" I ask cautiously.
"Because I"m reopening the case," he responds in a formal tone. "And I want to see what you can remember about that night."
"Why are you reopening the case?" I ask, wondering if maybe they found something, feeling a spark of hope. "Did you find something?"
"No, but we"re hoping to," he says and all of my hope simmers out.
"Well, I remember what I told the police thirteen years ago, which isn"t a h.e.l.l of a lot, since I was six and emotionally f.u.c.ked up," I say, telling myself not to get my hopes up but I can already feeling the emotions pressing up, the ache connected to the loss of my parents. "So I don"t really see the point of me coming down there and wasting my time, you asking me the same d.a.m.n questions and shoving the same d.a.m.n mug shots at me even though I told you I barely saw the killers since it was dark."
"I understand your frustration, but answering some questions could help solve your parents" murder," he points out and I hear him shuffling through papers.
"No it won"t," I say, flopping down on the bed on my back, holding the phone to my ear. My muscles are starting to tighten just from the suggestion of going down to the police station and chatting about something I"d laid to rest a long time ago. Case closed. They said so themselves and even though I didn"t like it, I accepted it. Moved on. Lived what life I had. "They couldn"t solve it thirteen years ago and you"re not going to solve it now."
"I"d appreciate it if you"d come down," he tells me, sending me a silent message through his firm tone. You"re going to meet me-it"s not a choice.
"Fine, but I live in Laramie now, not Cheyenne," I say in a tight voice. "And I"m in the middle of moving, so it"ll have to wait a few days." I"m making up excuses on purpose.
"How about next Monday at seven? Downtown at the Laramie police station?" he asks without missing a beat. "Does that work for you?"
I frown. "I guess."
He says good-bye and then I hang up, lying on the bed. I chew on my fingernails, not liking the emotions tormenting me in the quiet. I"d shut that door a long time ago and now I was just supposed to open it up so I could tell him the same things I already told the police thirteen years ago. I"m sure he has all that in his file, so why is he bothering me?
I check my voicemail seeing if creepy, deep-voice guy left a message. He didn"t and an unsettling fear stirs in my stomach. For the first few months after my parents died, I had this overwhelming fear that the people were going to come back to finish me off. It was like I constantly felt I needed to look over my shoulder; if I saw a shadow at night in my room, I thought it was them breaking in. But I managed to get myself out of that place and land where I am now. I worked hard not to be afraid of anything and I refuse to go back to that place.
I barely budge from the bed, drowning in my emotions, and I start to debate my options for a much-needed hit of adrenaline. I have these pills that I"ve taken a couple of times and at the right dose they can put me into darkness and I can still get out. They"re hidden in the computer desk drawer, beside the prescription bottle that holds the stash of weed Preston gave me to make quick sales, right within arm"s reach. Such an easy escape from everything going on around me. It"s not my favorite route to go, because it"s easier for someone to walk in and find me. I don"t want to be found. I want to remain lost because it"s the only thing that"s become serenely and painfully familiar.
But then Callie and Kayden walk in the room with boxes in their hands, ready to pack up the last of her stuff, and I force myself to shove my bed-binding emotions down and move again.
After packing for a while, Callie and Kayden start making out with each other. They actually think they"re in love and the concept is ridiculously absurd to me. I sort of feel sorry for them, because one day down the road they"re going to break up and it"s going to hurt. They"ll cry. They"ll become depressed. They"ll eat lots of ice cream or whatever people do when they mourn the loss of a relationship.
I remember one foster home I lived at when I was about fourteen. The Peircesons, a husband and wife that lived in a townhouse in this decent subdivision where each house was a duplicate of the other. I remember, when I pulled up to it, thinking it was pretty and that worried me because I was anything but pretty. I wore dark clothes, chains for a belt, and I had more studs in my ear than I could count on my fingers. I was going through a misunderstood phase and wanted everyone to know it. The Peircesons were decent, but the husband seemed a little uninterested in having a teenager around. At first, it seemed like my stay there was going to be boring, until I was out back one day on the porch and the next-door neighbor came out, talking on her phone. There was a tall fence, so she couldn"t see me at first, but I could hear her talking dirty to someone on the phone, telling them she would spank them. The conversation got me interested the longer it went on and by the time it was over I was laughing, something I hadn"t done in a while.
The lady must have heard me, too, because when she hung up she peeked her head over the fence. She seemed a little annoyed at first that I was eavesdropping, but her annoyance turned to intrigue when I showed no remorse for listening.
After that, I started hanging out with her during the three hours I had between when school ended and the Peircesons came home from work. She taught me how to light her cigarettes for her and told me the ins and outs of men, even though I told her I"d never fall in love. Her name was Starla, although I never really believed it was her real name, but it seemed fitting. She ran a phone chat operation from her house, which meant she told guys she was doing dirty things to herself, playing into their fetishes while they jerked off. She actually had a part-time job as a saleswoman at a car dealership, living a double life. She reminded me of a starlet from the 1940s when she was at home, her blond hair always curled, she wore a lot of silk, and sometimes even a feather boa. She told me she dressed like that because it made her feel like the s.e.xy seductress she played on the phone. When I asked her why she enjoyed talking to men like she did, she told me it was because it made her feel like she had control over them. That she"d had too many heartbreaks and spent too many nights crying over ice cream and this helped her stay away from that. What was amusing about the whole thing is usually she was cooking dinner or reading a magazine, even watching television when she was talking dirty to the guys. She never actually did any of the stuff she said.
"You like that, Biggie," she"d said once into the phone as she walked around the living room cleaning up the garbage laying around, while wearing her silk robe and slippers. I was hanging out on her couch, waiting until it was time to return home to the boring Peircesons, watching reruns of My So-Called Life, this nineties television show that got canceled after one season, but I found highly entertaining.
I giggled when she called him Biggie and she"d glanced over at me, smiling as she rolled her eyes. "Creeper," she mouthed.
I laughed again. "Aren"t they all." Then I grabbed a handful of chips out of the bag on my lap. A lot of the guys liked her to call them their special nicknames and I was guessing this one asked for her to call him Biggie, probably because he wasn"t.
"Oh yeah, I like that," she said, picking up a few empty gla.s.ses off the coffee table. Then she whisked out of the room and I"d returned to my show.
A few minutes later, after the guy had probably finished himself off, she"d come back into the living room, smoking a cigarette. "Men are exhausting," she said, plopping down on the sofa beside me. The whole house was crammed with gold-trimmed antique furniture, none of which matched, and the teal walls were hung with pictures of bands and actresses she"d met. I loved her place because it was different. Every place I"d lived looked pretty much the same as the others and most of those turned out to be c.r.a.ppy.
"Then why do you work for them?" I"d wondered curiously, kicking my feet up on the coffee table.
She glanced at me as she reached for an ashtray on the coffee table. "Oh my dear, sweet, innocent Violet. They work for me, honey."
She always used endearing terms and it annoyed me, yet I let it slide with her.
I stuffed a few more chips in my mouth. "You know, I seriously wish you would be my foster mother."
She smiled sadly, leaning forward to put the cigarette out. "I can"t be a foster mother, Violet. I can barely take care of myself."
I chewed on the chips as I stared at the television screen. I didn"t get it because it seemed like she took great care of herself, no attachments, doing whatever she wanted. It sounded like such a great life, but maybe she was just saying that because she really didn"t want to be my foster mother.
"So what"s up with the girl with the red hair?" she asked, changing the subject as she reached for the chips. "She seems obsessed with gorgeous eyes right there."
"I don"t think she"s obsessed." I silently shouted at the emotions stirring inside me to shut up, that it doesn"t matter if I have a mother or not because it wouldn"t fix anything-fix me. "Just addicted to him."
"That might be even worse than being obsessed."
"What do you mean?"
"Addiction is dangerous," she said and then patted my head as she rose to her feet. "Especially with men." She"d gone back into the kitchen and moments later the phone rang. I sat on the couch listening to her talk about spanking some guy wondering if she was addicted to guys or whether they were addicted to her. What was the difference?
Even though my time with Starla was fleeting, since the Peircesons quickly got tired of having a foster kid, I learned a lot from her. Not just about manipulation, but about gaining power. Plus she never gave a s.h.i.t about what she did, even though a lot of people would have looked down on her if they found out about it. She would say stuff that most wouldn"t and I idolized her for it.