It was irrational, bone-crumbling fear--something that defied argument, that nothing could allay. It was like the elemental pa.s.sion felt by the hunted animal--not fear of death, but the anguish of the live thing which must perforce struggle to escape death, although prolonged flight is worse than that from which it flies.
Dale had no real fear of death--nor even fear of the gallows. If the worst came, he could face death bravely. He was quite sure of that.
Then, as he told himself thousands of times, it was absurd to be so shaken by terror. Terror of what? And he thought, "It is because of the uncertainty. But there too, how absurdly fullish I am; for there is no _real_ uncertainty. My crime can not and will not be discovered.
If I were to go now and accuse myself, people would not credit me."
He thought also, in intervals between the paroxysms, "I suppose what I"ve been feeling is what all murderers feel. It is this that makes men go and give themselves up to the police after they have got off scot free. They are safe, but they never can believe they"re safe; they can"t stand the strain, and if they didn"t stop it, they"d go mad. So they give themselves up--just go get a bit o" quiet. And that is what I shall do, if this goes on much longer. I"d sooner be turned off short and sharp with a broken neck than die of exhaustion in a padded cell."
Then suddenly chance gave the hateful money an immense value, converted it into a means of escape from the outer life whose monotony and narrowness were a.s.sisting the cruelly wide inner life to drive him mad.
He went to Vine-Pits, and the strangeness of his surroundings, the difficulties, the hard work, produced a salutary effect upon him; but most of all he drew strength and courage from the renewal of love between Mavis and himself. That was most wonderful--like a new birth, rather than a reanimation. They loved each other as a freshly married couple, as a boy and girl who have just returned from their honeymoon, and who say, "We shall feel just the same when the time comes to keep our silver wedding."
So he toiled comfortably, almost happily. Mavis was perfectly happy, and he found increasing solace in the knowledge of this fact.
Thence onward his busy days were free from fear, except for the transient panics which, as he surmised, he would be subject to for the remainder of his life. They did not matter, because he could control them to the extent of preventing the slightest outward manifestation.
All at once while transacting business he would feel the inward collapse, deadly cold, a sensation that his intestines had been changed from close-knitted substance to water; and he would think "This person"--a farmer, a servant, old Mr. Bates, anybody--"suspects my secret. He guessed it a long while ago. Or he has just discovered the proofs of guilt." Nevertheless he went on talking in exactly the same tone of voice, without a contraction of a single facial muscle, with nothing at all shown unless perhaps a bead of perspiration on his forehead.
"Good morning, sir. Many thanks, sir.... Yes, Mr. Envill, the stuff shall be at your stables by one P.M. sharp. I"m making it my pride to obey all orders punctually, whether big or small."
Thus he got on comfortably enough during the daylight waking hours.
But the fear that had gone out of the days had made its home in the night. Sleep was now its stronghold.
His dreams were terrible. They were like immense highly-colored fabrics reeling off the vast gray thought-loom--that dreadful thought machine that worked as well when the workshop was darkened as when all the lamps were burning. Their pattern displayed infinite variety of detail, but a constant similarity in the main design.
They began by his being happy and light-hearted, that is, he was _innocent_; and then gradually the horrible fact returned to his memory. Recently, or a long time ago, he had killed a man. That was always the end of the dream; his lightness and gaiety of spirits vanished, and he felt again the load that he was eternally forced to carry on his conscience.
The details of one form in which the dream worked itself out were repeated hundreds of times. There was a strange man who at first made himself extremely agreeable, and yet in spite of all his amiability Dale did not like him. Nevertheless there was some mysterious necessity to keep friends with him, even to kow-tow to him. And Dale gradually felt sure that he and this man had met before, and that the man knew it, but for some sinister purpose concealed his knowledge.
They went about together in gay and lively scenes, and the man grew more and more hateful to Dale--becoming insolent, making disparaging remarks, sneering openly; and laughing when Dale only t.i.ttered in a nervous way and swallowed all insults. And Dale could not do otherwise, because he was afraid of the man.
And finally this false friend disclosed his true hostile character in some strikingly painful manner.
For instance, the man would make Dale take off his boots for him in some public place. They were together in a place like the lounge of some grand music-hall; the electric light shone brilliantly, a band played at a distance, the gaily dressed crowd gathered round them--young London swells with white waistcoats, pretty painted women, old men and young girls, and all of them watching, all contemptuously amused, all grinning because they understood that, though so big and strong, he was at heart a pitiful sort of poltroon, and that his companion was showing him up publicly. "Yes, you shall take my boots off for me. That"s all you"re fit for." And in spite of his anguish of resentment, Dale dared not refuse. The man had moved to a divan, he reclined upon his back, lifted his feet; and Dale, pretending to laugh it off as a bit of fun, took him by the heels.
Then he uttered a terrified cry--because he saw it was Barradine, dead, battered, with gla.s.sy staring eyes. All the people rushed away screaming, the lights went out, the music ceased: Dale was alone, at dusk, in a rocky wilderness, still dragging the dead man by the heels.
And then he would wake--to find Mavis bending over him, to hear her saying, "My dearest, you are sleeping on your back, and it is making you dream." He clung to her desperately, muttering, "Quite right, Mav.
Don"t let me dream. It"s a fullish trick--dreaming."
Then he would settle himself to sleep again, thinking, "It is all no use. I love my wife; I bless her for the generous way in which she has risked all that money to give me a fresh start; I enjoy the work; I believe I may succeed with the business--but I shall never know real peace of mind. And sooner or later my crime will be brought home to me. It is always so. I"ve read it in the papers a dozen times.
Murderers never get off altogether. Years and years pa.s.s; but at last justice overtakes them."
Already, although he did not recognize it, had come remorse for the wickedness of his deed. He had no regret for the fact itself, and not the slightest pity for the victim. Mr. Barradine had got no more than he deserved, the only proper adequate punishment for his offenses; but Dale knew that, according to the tenets of all religions, G.o.d does not allow private individuals to mete out punishment, however well deserved--especially not the death penalty.
He resolutely revived his idea of the dead man as a thing unfit to live--just a brute, without a man"s healthy instincts--a foul debauchee, ruining sweet and comely innocence whenever he could get at it. Such a wretch would be executed by any sensible community. In new countries they would lynch him as soon as they caught him--"A lot of chaps like myself would ride off their farms, heft him up on the nearest tree, and empty their revolvers into him. And it wouldn"t be a murder: it would be a rough and ready execution. Well, I did the job by myself, without sharing the responsibility with my pals; and I consider myself an executioner, not a murderer."
He could now always make the hate and horror return and be as strong as they had ever been, and thus solidify the argument whereby he found his justification; no mercy is possible for such brutes.
Subconsciously he was always striving to reinforce it; as if the voice of that logical faculty which he admired as his highest attribute were always whispering advice, reminding him: "This is your strong point.
It is the only firm ground you stand on. You can"t possibly hope to justify yourself to other people; but if you don"t justify yourself to yourself, then you are truly done for."
And he used to think: "I have justified myself to myself all along. I was never one who considered human life so sacred as some try to make out. Why should it be? Aren"t we proved to be animals--along with the rest? The parsons own it nowadays themselves, allowing a man"s soul to be what G.o.d counts most important, but not going so far as to say any animal"s soul isn"t immortal too. Then where"s the sacredness? If it"s right to kill a vicious dog or a poisonous snake, how is it so wrong to out a man that won"t behave himself?"
Insensibly this consideration had the greatest possible effect on his conduct. Without advancing step by step in a reasoned progress, he understood that any one holding his views on human life generally should not attach an excessive value to his own individual life. He must carry his life lightly, and be ready to lay it down without a lot of fuss. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. He acted on the maxim, risking his life freely, courting dangers that he would have avoided in the days before the day on which he executed Mr. Barradine.
Executed--yes. But G.o.d would not have authorized him, although Judge Lynch would. G.o.d would say: "It must be left to Me. I will attend to it in My own good time. From My point of view perhaps, keeping the man alive is in truth his punishment, and to kill him is to let him off.
You have come blundering with your finite intelligence into the department of omniscient wisdom. Instead of interpreting My laws, you have set up a law of your own invention."
And Dale sometimes thought: "But there isn"t any G.o.d. All that is my eye and my elbow. I believed it once, but I shall never believe it again."
His thoughts about G.o.d"s laws were curious, and baffling to himself.
They had been always there, always active, but in a manner secondary and faint when compared with his thoughts about his infringement of men"s laws. Faith in G.o.d had seemed to be quite gone. It used to permeate his entire mind; and yet it dropped out as though it had been only in one corner of his mind, and a hole had been made under that corner for it to fall through. Now he sometimes had the notion that it went out through many holes, as if it had been forcibly ejected, and that his whole mind was left in a shattered and unstable condition.
Then it began to seem that the faith had not truly been altogether got rid of. Fragments of it remained.
Rapidly then he reached the certainty that he wished to have the faith back again. His was an orderly solid mind that could not do with cracks and holes in it, trimness, neatness, and firmness of outer wall were necessary to its well-being; openness to windy doubts ruined it.
He felt that an accidental universe was the wrong box for it. He wanted to believe in the G.o.d who created order out of chaos, the G.o.d who settled cut-and-dried plans for the whole of creation--yes, the G.o.d made in man"s image, and yet the Maker and Ruler of man.
And some days he did believe, and some days he couldn"t. But all at once an idea came, first soothing then cheering him. He thought: "Whether I believe or not, I"ll take it for granted. I"ll act as if G.o.d is real."
He did so, acting as if G.o.d were believed in as truly by him as by the most stanch believers. He clung to the idea. It seemed to be the way out of all his troubles. He would make peace with G.o.d--then there would be no need to bother about men, or offer any confession of his guilt to _them_.
He grew calmer now. Doing things had always suited him better than brooding over things. His new determination illuminated the reason for reckless adventures, and lifted their purpose to a higher plane. He thought now that he held his life at G.o.d"s will--to be given back to G.o.d at a moment"s notice.
This thought made him calmer still, made him strong, almost made him happy. A life for a life. He would expiate his offense in G.o.d"s good time. So no danger was too big for William Dale to face; his courage became a byword; gentlefolk and peasants alike admired and wondered.
Out of the consistent course of action came the consistency of the thought that was governing the action. a.s.sumption of the reality of G.o.d as a working hypothesis led to conviction of the existence of G.o.d.
Yet strangely and unexpectedly the attempt to formalize his faith almost shook his faith out of him again. Although throughout the episode of his acceptance by the Baptists he seemed so stolid and matter-of-fact, he was truly suffering storms of emotion. He fell a prey to old illusions; that unreasoning fear returned; he was thrown back into the state of terrified egoism which rendered lofty impersonal meditation beyond attainment.
That evening when for the first time he went to the Baptist Chapel, the illusion was strong upon him that every man, woman, and child in the congregation had discovered his secret. When they all stood up to sing, it seemed that he was naked, defenseless, utterly at their mercy. With every word of their carefully selected hymn they were telling him that they knew all about him. When they began their third verse, they simply roared a denunciation straight at him:
"But thus th" eternal counsel ran: "Almighty love, _arrest that man_.""
And the second and third hymns were just as bad, shaking him to pieces, tumbling him headlong into the terror he had felt when his crime was no more than a week old. The rest of the service entranced and delighted him, made him think: "These people are in touch with G.o.d, and their G.o.d is full of love and mercy. If He would accept me, I should feel safe." At the end of the service he knelt, praying for this to happen. Then he went home and doubted.
The fear was on him again in the beginning of his interview with Mr.
Osborn the pastor. He thought: "This man has seen through me. He knows. Perhaps his past experiences have taught him to be quick in spotting criminals. He may have been a prison chaplain some time or other. Anyhow, he knows; and he"ll try to get a confession out of me, as sure as I sit here." But the beauty of the conception of G.o.d as unfolded by Mr. Osborn banished the fear. He thought: "If I had been told these things before, I should have never ceased to believe. I feel it through and through me. This is G.o.d; and if I am not too late, if He will still accept me, I shall be saved. Christ, the friend, the brother of man--same as described by Mr. Osborn two minutes ago--can do it for me if He will. He can take me home to Father." A verse of one of those hymns echoed in his ears:
"None less than G.o.d"s Almighty Son Can move such loads of sin; The water from His side must run, To wash this dungeon clean."
And once more he prayed to the G.o.d of the Baptists; and then once more doubted.
While he was walking home, he thought: "It is too good to be true.
Perhaps I"m fullish to pin my trust to it. Do I believe in it all, or do I not?" He wanted a sign; and when the storm of thunder and lightning burst like the most tremendous sign one could ask for, he seized this opportunity of risking his life, and said: "Now I stand here for G.o.d to take me or leave me."
He was left, not taken. The fear vanished, the doubt pa.s.sed, and he made his way into the Baptist Church exactly as if, as Mr. Osborn had said, there was an irresistible pressure behind him, and he could not make his way anywhere else.
It was all right after his baptism. He knew then that he would never doubt again. The faith was permanent now: it would last as long as he himself lasted. He had no more evil dreams. He slept soundly, as a man sleeps when he has got home late after a tiring journey. And in the morning and the evening of each day he thanked G.o.d for having accepted him.
Then came the years of tranquillity, the respite from pain, his golden time. He was prosperous, respected; he had a loved and loving wife, and lovely lovable children; he had grain in his barns, money in his bank, peace in his mind. He felt too all the better part in him growing bigger and bigger; religion, in simplifying his ideas, had increased their value; his intellectual power seemed wider and more comprehensive when exercised with regard to all things that can be learned, now that he had entirely ceased to exercise it with regard to things that must not be questioned.