"We"ll have to cook on the wood stove. Filter the water and boil it. We should clean some big jugs and fill them with water. We can also store water in the three kettles we use for canning, and in the washtub."
"Besides, we still have about two hundred and thirty pounds of winter potatoes in the spice storeroom."
All day long that"s all I hear. Invasion, invasion, nothing but invasion. Arguments about going hungry, dying, bombs, fire extinguishers, sleeping bags, ident.i.ty cards, poison gas, etc., etc. Not exactly cheerful.
A good example of the explicit warnings of the male contingent is the following conversation with Jan: Annex: "We"re afraid that when the Germans retreat, they"ll take the entire population with them."
Jan: "That"s impossible. They haven"t got enough trains."
Annex: "Trains? Do you really think they"d put civilians on trains? Absolutely not. Everyone would have to hoof it." (Or, as Dussel always says, per pedes apostolorum.) Jan: "I can"t believe that. You"re always looking on the dark side. What reason would they have to round up all the civilians and take them along?" Annex: "Don"t you remember Goebbels saying that if the Germans have to go, they"ll slam the doors to all the occupied territories behind them?" Jan: "They"ve said a lot of things."
Annex: "Do you think the Germans are too n.o.ble or humane to do it? Their reasoning is: if we go under, we"ll drag everyone else down with us." Jan: "You can say what you like, I just don"t believe Annex: "It"s always the same old story. No one wants to see the danger until it"s staring them in the face."
Jan: "But you don"t know anything for sure. You"re just making an a.s.sumption." Annex: "Because we"ve already been through it all ourselves, First in Germany and then here. What do you think"s happening in Russia?"
Jan: "You shouldn"t include the Jews. I don"t think anyone knows what"s going on in Russia. The British and the Russians are probably exaggerating for propaganda purposes, just like the Germans."
Annex: "Absolutely not. The BBC has always told the truth. And even if the news is slightly exaggerated, the facts are bad enough as they are. You can"t deny that millions of peace-loving citizens in Poland and Russia have been murdered or ga.s.sed."
I"ll spare you the rest of our conversations. I"m very calm and take no notice of all the fuss. I"ve reached the point where I hardly care whether I live or die. The world will keep on turning without me, and I can"t do anything to change events anyway. I"ll just let matters take their course and concentrate on studying and hope that everything will be all right in the end. Yours, Anne
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1944
Dear Kitty, I can"t tell you how I feel. One minute I"m longing for peace and quiet, and the next for a little fun. We"ve forgotten how to laugh-I mean, laughing so hard you can t stop.
This morning I had "the giggles"; you know, the kind we used to have at school. Margot and I were giggling like real teenagers.
Last night there was another scene with Mother. Margot was tucking her wool blanket around her when suddenly she leapt out of bed and carefully examined the blanket. What do you think she found? A pin! Mother had patched the blanket and forgotten to take it out. Father shook his head meaningfully and made a comment about how careless Mother is. Soon afterward Mother came in from the bathroom, and just to tease her I said, "Du bist doch eine echte Rabenmutter." [Oh, you are cruel.]
Of course, she asked me why I"d said that, and we told her about the pin she"d overlooked. She immediately a.s.sumed her haughtiest expression and said, "You"re a fine one to talk. When you"re sewing, the entire floor is covered with pins. And look, you"ve left the manicure set lying around again. You never put that away either!"
I said I hadn"t used it, and Margot backed me up, since she was the guilty party.
Mother went on talking about how messy I was until I got fed up and said, rather curtly, "I wasn"t even the one who said you were careless. I"m always getting blamed for other people"s mistakes!"
Mother fell silent, and less than a minute later I was obliged to kiss her good-night. This incident may not have been very important, but these days everything gets on my nerves.
Anne Mary Frank
SAt.u.r.dAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1944
Dearest Kitty, The sun is shining, the sky is deep blue, there"s a magnificent breeze, and I"m longing-really longing-for everything: conversation, freedom, friends, being alone. I long. . . to cry! I feel as if I were about to explode. I know crying would help, but I can"t cry. I"m restless. I walk from one room to another, breathe through the crack in the window frame, feel my heart beating as if to say, "Fulfill my longing at last. . ."
I think spring is inside me. I feel spring awakening, I feel it in my entire body and soul. I have to force myself to act normally. I"m in a state of utter confusion, don"t know what to read, what to write, what to do. I only know that I"m longing for something. . .
Yours, Anne
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1944
Dearest Kitty, A lot has changed for me since Sat.u.r.day. What"s happened is this: I was longing for something (and still am), but. . . a small, a very small, part of the problem has been resolved.
On Sunday morning I noticed, to my great joy (I"ll be honest with you), that Peter kept looking at me. Not in the usual way. I don"t know, I can"t explain it, but I suddenly had the feeling he wasn"t as in love with Margot as I used to think. All day long I tried not to look at him too much, because whenever I did, I caught him looking at me and then-well, it made me feel wonderful inside, and that"s not a feeling I should have too often.
Sunday evening everyone, except Pim and me, was cl.u.s.tered around the radio, listening to the "Immortal Music of the German Masters." Dussel kept twisting and turning the k.n.o.bs, which annoyed Peter, and the others too. After restraining himself for half an hour, Peter asked somewhat irritably if he would stop fiddling with the radio. Dussel replied in his haughtiest tone, "Ich mach" das schon!" [I"ll decide that.] Peter got angry and made an insolent remark. Mr. van Daan sided with him, and Dussel had to back down. That was it. The reason for the disagreement wasn"t particularly interesting in and of itself, but Peter has apparently taken the matter very much to heart, because this morning, when I was rummaging around in the crate of books in the attic, Peter came up and began telling me what had happened. I didn"t know anything about it, but Peter soon realized he"d found an attentive listener and started warming up to his subject.
"Well, it"s like this," he said. "I don"t usually talk much, since I know beforehand I"ll just be tongue-tied. I start stuttering and blushing and I twist my words around so much I finally have to stop, because I can"t find the right words. That"s what happened yesterday. I meant to say something entirely different, but once I started, I got all mixed up. It"s awful. I used to have a bad habit, and sometimes I wish I still did: whenever I was mad at someone, I"d beat them up instead of arguing with them. I know this method won"t get me anywhere, and that"s why I admire you. You"re never at a loss for words: you say exactly what you want to say and aren"t in the least bit shy." "Oh, you"re wrong about that," I replied. "Most of what I say comes out very differently from the way I"d planned. Plus I talk too much and too long, and that"s just as bad."
"Maybe, but you have the advantage that no one can see you"re embarra.s.sed. You don"t blush or go to pieces."
I couldn"t help being secretly amused at his words. However, since I wanted him to go on talking quietly about himself, I hid my laughter, sat down on a cushion on the floor, wrapped my arms around my knees and gazed at him intently.
I"m glad there"s someone else in this house who flies into the same rages as I do. Peter seemed relieved that he could criticize Dussel without being afraid I"d tell. As for me, I was pleased too, because I sensed a strong feeling of fellowship, which I only remember having had with my girlfriends. Yours, Anne
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1944
The minor run-in with Dussel had several repercussions, for which he had only himself to blame. Monday evening Dussel came in to see Mother and told her triumphantly that Peter had asked him that morning if he"d slept well, and then added how sorry he was about what had happened Sunday evening-he hadn"t really meant what he"d said. Dussel a.s.sured him he hadn"t taken it to heart. So everYthing was right as rain again. Mother pa.s.sed this story on to me, and I was secretly amazed that Peter, who"d been so angry at Dussel, had humbled himself, despite all his a.s.surances to the contrary.
I couldn"t refrain from sounding Peter out on the subject, and he instantly replied that Dussel had been lying. You should have seen Peter"s face. I wish I"d had a camera. Indignation, rage, indecision, agitation and much more crossed his face in rapid succession.
That evening Mr. van Daan and Peter really told Dussel off. But it couldn"t have been all that bad, since Peter had another dental appointment today. Actually, they never wanted to speak to each other again.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1944
Peter and I hadn"t talked to each other all day, except for a few meaningless words. It was too cold to go up to the attic, and anyway, it was Margot"s birthday. At twelve-thirty he came to look at the presents and hung around chatting longer than was strictly necessary, something he"d never have done otherwise. But I got my chance in the afternoon. Since I felt like spoiling Margot on her birthday, I went to get the coffee, and after that the potatoes. When I came to Peter"s room, he immediately took his papers off the stairs, and I asked if I should close the trapdoor to the attic.
"Sure," he said, "go ahead. When you"re ready to come back down, just knock and I"ll open it for you."
I thanked him, went upstairs and spent at least ten minutes searching around in the barrel for the smallest potatoes. My back started aching, and the attic was cold. Naturally, I didn"t bother to knock but opened the trap-door myself. But he obligingly got up and took the pan out of my hands.
"I did my best, but I couldn"t find any smaller ones."
"Did you look in the big barrel?"
"Yes, I"ve been through them all."
By this time I was at the bottom of the stairs, and he examined the pan of potatoes he was still holding. "Oh, but these are fine," he said, and added, as I took the pan from him, "My compliments!"
As he said this, he gave me such a warm, tender look that I started glowing inside. I could tell he wanted to please me, but since he couldn"t make a long complimentary speech, he said everything with his eyes. I understood him so well and was very grateful. It still makes me happy to think back to those words and that look!
When I went downstairs, Mother said she needed more potatoes, this time for dinner, so I volunteered to go back up. When I entered Peter"s room, I apologized for disturbing him again. As I was going up the stairs, he stood up, went over to stand between the stairs and the wall, grabbed my arm and tried to stop me.
"I"ll go," he said. "I have to go upstairs anyway."
I replied that it wasn"t really necessary, that I didn"t have to get only the small ones this time. Convinced, he let go of my arm. On my way back, he opened the trapdoor and once again took the pan from me. Standing by the door, I asked, "What are you working on?"
"French," he replied.
I asked if I could take a look at his lessons. Then I went to wash my hands and sat down across from him on the divan.
After I"d explained some French to him, we began to talk. He told me that after the war he wanted to go to the Dutch East Indies and live on a rubber plantation. He talked about his life at home, the black market and how he felt like a worthless b.u.m. I told him he had a big inferiority complex. He talked about the war, saying that Russia and England were bound to go to war against each other, and about the Jews. He said life would have been much easier if he"d been a Christian or could become one after the war. I asked if he wanted to be baptized, but that wasn"t what he meant either. He said he"d never be able to feel like a Christian, but that after the war he"d make sure n.o.body would know he was Jewish. I felt a momentary pang. It"s such a shame he still has a touch of dishonesty in him.
Peter added, "The Jews have been and always will be the chosen people!" I answered, "Just this once, I hope they"ll be chosen for something good!" But we went on chatting very pleasantly, about Father, about judging human character and all sorts of things, so many that I can"t even remember them all. I left at a quarter past five, because Bep had arrived.
That evening he said something else I thought was nice. We were talking about the picture of a movie star I"d once given him, which has been hanging in his room for at least a year and a half. He liked it so much that I offered to give him a few more.
"No," he replied, "I"d rather keep the one I"ve got. I look at it every day, and the people in it have become my friends."
I now have a better understanding of why he always hugs Mouschi so tightly. He obviously needs affection too. I forgot to mention something else he was talking about. He said, "No, I"m not afraid, except when it comes to things about myself, but I"m working on that."
Peter has a huge inferiority complex. For example, he always thinks he"s so stupid and we"re so smart. When I help him with French, he thanks me a thousand times. One of these days I"m going to say, "Oh, cut it out! You"re much better at English and geography!"
Anne Frank
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 1944
Dear Kitty, I was upstairs this morning, since I promised Mrs. van D. I"d read her some of my stories. I began with "Eva"s Dream," which she liked a lot, and then I read a few pa.s.sages from "The Secret Annex," which had her in st.i.tches. Peter also listened for a while (just the last part) and asked if I"d come to his room sometime to read more.
I decided I had to take a chance right then and there, so I got my notebook and let him read that bit where Cady and Hans talk about G.o.d. I can"t really tell what kind of impression it made on him. He said something I don"t quite remember, not about whether it was good, but about the idea behind it. I told him I just wanted him to see that I didn"t write only amusing things. He nodded, and I left the room. We"ll see if I hear anything more!
Yours, Anne Frank
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 1944
My dearest Kitty, Whenever I go upstairs, it"s always so I can see "him." Now that I have something to look forward to, my life here has improved greatly. At least the object of my friendship is always here, and I don"t have to be afraid of rivals (except for Margot). Don"t think I"m in love, because I"m not, but I do have the feeling that something beautiful is going to develop between Peter and me, a kind of friendship and a feeling of trust. I go see him whenever I get the chance, and it"s not the way it used to be, when he didn"t know what to make of me. On the contrary, he"s still talking away as I"m heading out the door. Mother doesn"t like me going upstairs. She always says I"m bothering Peter and that I should leave him alone. Honestly, can"t she credit me with some intuition? She always looks at me so oddly when I go to Peter"s room. When I come down again, she asks me where I"ve been. It"s terrible, but I"m beginning to hate her!
Yours, Anne M. Frank
SAt.u.r.dAY, FEBRUARY 19, 1944
Dearest Kitty, It"s Sat.u.r.day again, and that should tell you enough. This morning all was quiet. I spent nearly an hour upstairs making meatb.a.l.l.s, but I only spoke to "him" in pa.s.sing.
When everyone went upstairs at two-thirty to either read or take a nap, I went downstairs, with blanket and all, to sit at the desk and read or write. Before long I couldn"t take it anymore. I put my head in my arms and sobbed my heart out. The tears streamed down my cheeks, and I felt desperately unhappy. Oh, if only" "he" had come to comfort me.
It was past four by the time I went upstairs again. At five o"clock I set off to get some potatoes, hoping once again that we"d meet, but while I was still in the bathroom fixing my hair, he went to see Boche.
I wanted to help Mrs. van D. and went upstairs with my book and everything, but suddenly I felt the tears coming again. I raced downstairs to the bathroom, grabbing the hand mirror on the way. I sat there on the toilet, fully dressed, long after I was through, my tears leaving dark spots on the red of my ap.r.o.n, and I felt utterly dejected.
Here"s what was going through my mind: "Oh, I"ll never reach Peter this way. Who knows, maybe he doesn"t even like me and he doesn"t need anyone to confide in. Maybe he only thinks of me in a casual sort of way. I"ll have to go back to being alone, without anyone to confide in and without Peter, without hope, comfort or anything to look forward to. Oh, if only I could rest my head on his shoulder and not feel so hopelessly alone and deserted! Who knows, maybe he doesn"t care for me at all and looks at the others in the same tender way. Maybe I only imagined it was especially for me. Oh, Peter, if only you could hear me or see me. If the truth is disappointing, I won"t be able to bear it." A little later I felt hopeful and full of expectation again, though my tears were still flowing-on the inside.
Yours, Anne M. Frank
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 1944
What happens in other people"s houses during the rest of the week happens here in the Annex on Sundays. While other people put on their best clothes and go strolling in the sun, we scrub, sweep and do the laundry.
Eight o"clock. Though the rest of us prefer to sleep in, Dussel gets up at eight. He goes to the bathroom, then downstairs, then up again and then to the bathroom, where he devotes a whole hour to washing himself.
Nine-thirty. The stoves are lit, the blackout screen is taken down, and Mr. van Daan heads for the bathroom. One of my Sunday morning ordeals is having to lie in bed and look at Dussel"s back when he"s praying. I know it sounds strange, but a praying Dussel is a terrible sight to behold. It"s not that he cries or gets sentimental, not at all, but he does spend a quarter of an hour-an entire fifteen minutes-rocking from his toes to his heels. Back and forth, back and forth. It goes on forever, and if I don"t shut my eyes tight, my head starts to spin.
Ten-fifteen. The van Daans whistle; the bathroom"s free. In the Frank family quarters, the first sleepy faces are beginning to emerge from their pillows. Then everything happens fast, fast, fast. Margot and I take turns doing the laundry. Since it"s quite cold downstairs, we put on pants and head scarves. Meanwhile, Father is busy in the bathroom. Either Margot or I have a turn in the bathroom at eleven, and then we"re all clean.
Eleven-thirty. Breakfast. I won"t dwell on this, since there"s enough talk about food without my bringing the subject up as well.
Twelve-fifteen. We each go our separate ways. Father, clad in overalls, gets down on his hands and knees and brushes the rug so vigorously that the room is enveloped in a cloud of dust. Mr. Dussel makes the beds (all wrong, of course), always whistling the same Beethoven violin concerto as he goes about his work. Mother can be heard shuffling around the attic as she hangs up the washing. Mr. van Daan puts on his hat and disappears into the lower regions, usually followed by Peter and Mouschi. Mrs. van D. dons a long ap.r.o.n, a black wool jacket and overshoes, winds a red wool scarf around her head, scoops up a bundle of dirty laundry and, with a well-rehea.r.s.ed washerwoman"s nod, heads downstairs. Margot and I do the dishes and straighten up the room. WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23,1944 My dearest Kitty, The weather"s been wonderful since yesterday, and I"ve perked up quite a bit. My writing, the best thing I have, is coming along well. I go to the attic almost every morning to get the stale air out of my lungs. This morning when I went there, Peter was busy cleaning up. He finished quickly and came over to where I was sitting on my favorite spot on the floor. The two of us looked out at the blue sky, the bare chestnut tree glistening with dew, the seagulls and other birds glinting with silver as they swooped through the air, and we were so moved and entranced that we couldn"t speak. He stood with his head against a thick beam, while I sat. We breathed in the air, looked outside and both felt that the spell shouldn"t be broken with words. We remained like this for a long while, and by the time he had to go to the loft to chop wood, I knew he was a good, decent boy. He climbed the ladder to the loft, and I followed; during the fifteen minutes he was chopping wood, we didn"t say a word either. I watched him from where I was standing, and could see he was obviously doing his best to chop the right way and show off his strength. But I also looked out the open window, letting my eyes roam over a large part of Amsterdam, over the rooftops and on to the horizon, a strip of blue so pale it was almost invisible. "As long as this exists," I thought, "this sunshine and this cloudless sky, and as long as I can enjoy it, how can I be sad?"
The best remedy for those who are frightened, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere they can be alone, alone with the sky, nature and G.o.d. For then and only then can you feel that everything is as it should be and that G.o.d wants people to be happy amid nature"s beauty and simplicity.
As long as this exists, and that should be forever, I know that there will be solace for every sorrow, whatever the circ.u.mstances. I firmly believe that nature can bring comfort to all who suffer.
Oh, who knows, perhaps it won"t be long before I can share this overwhelming feeling of happiness with someone who feels the same as I do.