Yours, Anne P.S. Thoughts: To Peter.
We"ve been missing out on so much here, so very much, and for such a long time. I miss it just as much as you do. I"m not talking about external things, since we"re well provided for in that sense; I mean the internal things. Like you, I long for freedom and fresh air, but I think we"ve been amply compensated for their loss. On the inside, I mean.
This morning, when I was sitting in front of the window and taking a long, deep look outside at G.o.d and nature, I was happy, just plain happy. Peter, as long as people feel that kind of happiness within themselves, the joy of nature, health and much more besides, they"ll always be able to recapture that happiness.
Riches, prestige, everything can be lost. But the happiness in your own heart can only be dimmed; it will always be there, as long as you live, to make you happy again.
Whenever you"re feeling lonely or sad, try going to the loft on a beautiful day and looking outside. Not at the houses and the rooftops, but at the sky. As long as you can look fearlessly at the sky, you"ll know that you"re pure within and will find happiness once more.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1944
My dearest Kitty, From early in the morning to late at night, all I do is think about Peter. I fall asleep with his image before my eyes, dream about him and wake up with him still looking at me.
I have the strong feeling that Peter and I aren"t really as different as we may seem on the surface, and I"ll explain why: neither Peter nor I have a mother. His is too superficial, likes to flirt and doesn"t concern herself much with what goes on in his head. Mine takes an active interest in my life, but has no tact, sensitivity or motherly understanding.
Both Peter and I are struggling with our innermost feelings. We"re still unsure of ourselves and are too vulnerable, emotionally, to be dealt with so roughly. Whenever that happens, I want to run outside or hide my feelings. Instead, I bang the pots and pans, splash the water and am generally noisy, so that everyone wishes I were miles away. Peter"s reaction is to shut himself up, say little, sit quietly and daydream, all the while carefully hiding his true self. But how and when will we finally reach each other?
I don"t know how much longer I can continue to keep this yearning under control.
Yours, Anne M. Frank
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 1944
My dearest Kitty, It"s like a nightmare, one that goes on long after I"m awake. I see him nearly every hour of the day and yet I can"t be with him, I can"t let the others notice, and I have to pretend to be cheerful, though my heart is aching. Peter Schiff and Peter van Daan have melted into one Peter, who"s good and kind and whom I long for desperately. Mother"s horrible, Father"s nice, which makes him even more exasperating, and Margot"s the worst, since she takes advantage of my smiling face to claim me for herself, when all I want is to be left alone.
Peter didn"t join me in the attic, but went up to the loft to do some carpentry work. At every rasp and bang, another chunk of my courage broke off and I was even more unhappy. In the distance a clock was tolling" "Be pure in heart, be pure in mind!"
I"m sentimental, I know. I"m despondent and foolish, I know that too. Oh, help me!
Yours, Anne M. Frank
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1, 1944
Dearest Kitty, My own affairs have been pushed to the background by . . . a break-in. I"m boring you with all my break-ins, but what can I do when burglars take such pleasure in honoring Gies & Go. with their presence? This incident is much more complicated than the last one, in July 1943.
Last night at seven-thirty Mr. van Daan was heading, as usual, for Mr. Kugler"s office when he saw that both the gla.s.s door and the office door were open. He was surprised, but he went on through and was even more astonished to see that the alcove doors were open as well and that there was a terrible mess in the front office.
"There"s been a burglary" flashed through his mind. But just to make sure, he went downstairs to the front door, checked the lock and found everything closed. "Bep and Peter must just have been very careless this evening," Mr. van. D. concluded. He remained for a while in Mr. Kugler"s office, switched off the lamp and went upstairs without worrying much about the open doors or the messy office. Early this morning Peter knocked at our door to tell us that the front door was wide open and that the projector and Mr. Kugler"s new briefcase had disappeared from the closet. Peter was instructed to lock the door. Mr. van Daan told us his discoveries of the night before, and we were extremely worried. The only explanation is that the burglar must have had a duplicate key, since there were no signs of a forced entry. He must have sneaked in early in the evening, shut the door behind him, hidden himself when he heard Mr. van Daan, fled with the loot after Mr. van Daan went upstairs and, in his hurry, not bothered to shut the door.
Who could have our key? Why didn"t the burglar go to the warehouse? Was it one of our own warehouse employees, and will he turn us in, now that he"s heard Mr. van Daan and maybe even seen him?
It"s really scary, since we don"t know whether the burglar will take it into his head to try and get in again. Or was he so startled when he heard someone else in the building that he"ll stay away?
Yours, Anne
P.S. We"d be delighted if you could hunt up a good detective for us. Obviously, there"s one condotion: he must be relied upon not to mform on people in hiding. THURSDAY, MARCH 2, 1944
Dearest Kitty, Margot and I were in the attic together today. I can"t enjoy being there with her the way I imagine it"d be with Peter (or someone else). I know she feels the same about most things as I do!
While doing the dishes, Bep began talking to Mother and Mrs. van Daan about how discouraged she gets. What help did those two offer her? Our tactless mother, especially, only made things go from bad to worse. Do you know what her advice was? That she should think about all the other people in the world who are suffering! How can thinking about the misery of others help if you"re miserable yourself? I said as much. Their response, of course, was that I should stay out of conversations of this sort.
The grown-ups are such idiots! As if Peter, Margot, Bep and I didn"t all have the same feelings. The only thing that helps is a mother"s love, or that of a very, very close friend. But these two mothers don"t understand the first thing about us! Perhaps Mrs. van Daan does, a bit more than Mother. Oh, I wish I could have said something to poor Bep, something that I know from my own experience would have helped. But Father came between us, pushing me roughly aside. They"re all so stupid!
I also talked to Margot about Father and Mother, about how nice it could be here if they weren"t so aggravating. We"d be able to organize evenings in which everyone could take turns discussing a given subject. But we"ve already been through all that. It"s impossible for me to talk here! Mr. van Daan goes on the offensive, Mother i gets sarcastic and can"t say anythina in a normal voice, Father doesn"t feel like taking part, nor does Mr. Dussel, and Mrs. van D. is attacked so often that she just sits there with a red face, hardly able to put up a fight anymore. And what about us? We aren"t allowed to have an opinion! My, my, aren"t they progressive! Not have an opinion! People can tell you to shut up, but they can"t keep you from having an opinion. You can"t forbid someone to have an opinion, no matter how young they are! The only thing that would help Bep, Margot, Peter and me would be great love and devotion, which we don"t get here. And no one, especially not the idiotic sages around here, is capable of understanding us, since we"re more sensitive and much more advanced in our thinking than any of them ever suspect!
Love, what is love? I don"t think you can really put it into words. Love is understanding someone, caring for him, sharing his joys and sorrows. This eventually includes physical love. You"ve shared something, given something away and received something in return, whether or not you"re married, whether or not you have a baby. Losing your virtue doesn"t matter, as long as you know that for as long as you live you"ll have someone at your side who understands you, and who doesn"t have to be shared with anyone else!
Yours, Anne M. Frank
At the moment, Mother"s grouching at me again; she"s clearly jealous because I talk to Mrs. van Daan more than to her. What do I care!
I managed to get hold of Peter this afternoon, and we talked for at least forty-five minutes. He wanted to tell me something about himself, but didn"t find it easy. He finally got it out, though it took a long time. I honestly didn"t know whether it was better for me to stay or to go. But I wanted so much to help him! I told him about Bep and how tactless our mothers are. He told me that his parents fight constantly, about politics and cigarettes and all kinds of things. As I"ve told you before, Peter"s very shy, but not too shy to admit that he"d be perfectly happy not to see his parents for a year or two. "My father isn"t as nice as he looks," he said. "But in the matter of the cigarettes, Mother"s absolutely right."
I also told him about my mother. But he came to Father"s defense. He thought he was a "terrific guy."
Tonight when I was hanging up my ap.r.o.n after doing the dishes, he called me over and asked me not to say anything downstairs about his parents" having had another argument and not being on speaking terms. I promised, though I"d already told Margot. But I"m sure Margot won"t pa.s.s it on.
"Oh no, Peter," I said, you don"t have to worry about me. I"ve learned not to blab everything I hear. I never repeat what you tell me."
He was glad to hear that. I also told him what terrible gossips we are, and said, "Margot"s quite right, of course, when she says I"m not being honest, because as much as I want to stop gossiping, there"s nothing I like better than discussing Mr. Dussel."
"It"s good that you admit it," he said. He blushed, and his sincere compliment almost embarra.s.sed me too.
Then we talked about "upstairs" and "downstairs" some more. Peter was really rather surprised to hear that don"t like his parents. "Peter," I said, "you know I"m always honest, so why shouldn"t I tell you this as well? We can see their faults too."
I added, "Peter, I"d really like to help you. Will you let me? You"re caught in an awkward position, and I know, even though you don"t say anything, that it upsets you."
"Oh, your help is always welcome!"
"Maybe it"d be better for you to talk to Father. You can tell him anything, he won"t pa.s.s it on."
"I know, he"s a real pal."
"You like him a lot, don"t you?"
Peter nodded, and I continued, "Well, he likes you too, you know!" He looked up quickly and blushed. It was really touching to see how happy these few words made him.
"You think so?" he asked.
"Yes," I said. "You can tell from the little things he lets slip now and then." Then Mr. van Daan came in to do some dictating.
Peter"s a "terrific guy," just like Father!
Yours, Anne M. Frank
FRIDAY, MARCH 3,1944
My dearest Kitty, When I looked into the candle tonight, I felt calm and happy again. It seems Grandma is in that candle, and it"s Grandma who watches over and protects me and makes me feel happy again. But. . . there"s someone else who governs all my moods and that"s. . . Peter. I went to get the potatoes today, and while I was standing on the stairway with my pan full, he asked, "What did you do during the lunch break?"
I sat down on the stairs, and we began to talk. The potatoes didn"t make it to the kitchen until five-fifteen (an hour after I"d gone to get them). Peter didn"t say anything more about his parents; we just talked about books and about the past. Oh, he gazes at me with such warmth in his eyes; I don"t think it will take much for me to fall in love with him.
He brought the subject up this evening. I went to his room after peeling potatoes and remarked on how hot it was. "You can tell the temperature by looking at Margot and me, because we turn white when it"s cold and red when it"s hot." I said.
"In love?" he asked.
"Why should I be in love?" It was a pretty silly answer (or, rather, question). "Why not?" he said, and then it was time for dinner.
What did he mean? Today I finally managed to ask him whether my chatter bothered him. All he said was, "Oh, it"s fine with me!" I can"t tell how much of his reply was due to shyness. Kitty, I sound like someone who"s in love and can talk about nothing but her dearest darling. And Peter is a darling. Will I ever be able to tell him that? Only if he thinks the same of me, but I"m the kind of person you have to treat with kid gloves, I know that all too well.
And he likes to be left alone, so I don"t know how much he likes me. In any case, we"re getting to know each other a little better. I wish we dared to say more. But who knows, maybe that time will come sooner than I think! Once or twice a day he gives me a knowing glance, I wink back, and we"re both happy. It seems crazy to talk about his being happy, and yet I have the overwhelming feeling he thinks the same way I do.
Yours, Anne M. Frank
SAt.u.r.dAY, MARCH 4, 1944
Dear Kitty, This is the first Sat.u.r.day in months that hasn"t been tiresome, dreary and boring. The reason is Peter. This morning as I was on my way to the attic to hang up my ap.r.o.n, Father asked whether I wanted to stay and practice my French, and I said yes. We spoke French together for a while and I explained something to Peter, and then we worked on our English. Father read aloud from d.i.c.kens, and I was in seventh heaven, since I was sitting on Father"s chair, close to Peter.
I went downstairs at quarter to eleven. When I went back up at eleven-thirty, Peter was already waiting for me on the stairs. We talked until quarter to one. Whenever I leave the room, for example after a meal, and Peter has a chance and no one else can hear, he says, "Bye, Anne, see you later."
Oh, I"m so happy! I wonder if he"s going to fall in love with me after all? In any case, he"s a nice boy, and you have no idea how good it is to talk to him! Mrs. van D. thinks it"s all right for me to talk to Peter, but today she asked me teasingly, "Can I trust you two up there?" "Of course," I protested. "I take that as an insult!"
Morning, noon and night, I look forward to seeing Peter.
Yours, Anne M. Frank
PS. Before I forget, last night everything was blanketed in snow. Now it"s thawed and there"s almost nothing left.
MONDAY, MARCH 6, 1944
Dearest Kitty, Ever since Peter told me about his parents, I"ve felt a certain sense of responsibthty toward him-don"t you think that"s strange? It"s as though their quarrels were just as much my business as his, and yet I don"t dare bring it up anymore, because I"m afraid it makes him uncomfortable. I wouldn"t want to intrude, not for all the money in the world.
I can tell by Peter"s face that he ponders things just as deeply as I do. Last night I was annoyed when Mrs. van D. scoffed, "The thinker!" Peter flushed and looked embarra.s.sed, and I nearly blew my top.
Why don"t these people keep their mouths shut?
You can"t imagine what it"s like to have to stand on the sidelines and see how lonely he is, without being able to do anything. I can imagine, as if I were in his place, how despondent he must sometimes feel at the quarrels. And about love. Poor Peter, he needs to be loved so much!
It sounded so cold when he said he didn"t need any friends. Oh, he"s so wrong! I don"t think he means it. He clings to his masculinity, his solitude and his feigned indif- ference so he can maintain his role, so he"ll never, ever have to show his feelings. Poor Peter, how long can he keep it up? Won"t he explode from this superhuman effort?
Oh, Peter, if only I could help you, if only you would let me! Together we could banish our loneliness, yours and mine!
I"ve been doing a great deal of thinking, but not saying much. I"m happy when I see him, and happier still if the sun shines when we"re together. I washed my hair yesterday, and because I knew he was next door, I was very rambunctious. I couldn"t help it; the more quiet and serious I am on the inside, the noisier I get on the outside!
Who will be the first to discover the c.h.i.n.k in my armor?
It"s just as well that the van Daans don"t have a daughter. My conquest could never be so challenging, so beautiful and so nice with someone of the same s.e.x! Yours, Anne M. Frank PS. You know I"m always honest with you, so I think I should tell you that I live from one encounter to the next. I keep hoping to discover that he"s dying to see me, and I"m in raptures when I notice his bashful attempts. I think he"d like to be able to express himself as easily as I do; little does he know it"s his awkwardness that I find so touching.
TUESDAY, MARCH 7,1944
Dearest Kitty, When I think back to my life in 1942, it all seems so unreal. The Anne Frank who enjoyed that heavenly existence was completely different from the one who has grown wise within these walls. Yes, it was heavenly. Five admirers on every street corner, twenty or so friends, the favorite of most of my teachers, spoiled rotten by Father and Mother, bags full of candy and a big allowance. What more could anyone ask for?
You"re probably wondering how I could have charmed all those people. Peter says It s ecause I m "attractive," but that isn"t it entirely. The teachers were amused and entertained by my clever answers, my witty remarks, my smthng face and my critical mind. That"s all I was: a terrible flirt, coquettish and amusing. I had a few plus points, which kept me in everybody"s good graces: I was hardworking, honest and generous. I would never have refused anyone who wanted to peek at my answers, I was magnanimous with my candy, and I wasn"t stuck-up.
Would all that admiration eventually have made me overconfident? It"s a good thing that, at the height of my glory, I was suddenly plunged into reality. It took me more than a year to get used to doing without admiration. How did they see me at school? As the cla.s.s comedian, the eternal ringleader, never in a bad mood, never a crybaby. Was it any wonder that everyone wanted to bicycle to school with me or do me little favors?
I look back at that Anne Frank as a pleasant, amusing, but superficial girl, who has nothing to do with me. What did Peter say about me? "Whenever I saw you, you were surrounded by a flock of girls and at least two boys, you were always laughing, and you were always the center of attention!" He was right. What"s remained of that Anne Frank? Oh, I haven"t forgotten how to laugh or toss off a remark, I"m just as good, if not better, at raking people over the coals, and I can still flirt and be amusing, if I want to be . . . But there"s the catch. I"d like to live that seemingly carefree and happy life for an evening, a few days, a week. At the end of that week I"d be exhausted, and would be grateful to the first person to talk to me about something meaningful. I want friends, not admirers. Peo- ple who respect me for my character and my deeds, not my flattering smile. The circle around me would be much smaller, but what does that matter, as long as they"re sincere? In spite of everything, I wasn"t altogether happy in 1942; I often felt I"d been deserted, but because I was on the go all day long, I didn"t think about it. I enjoyed myself as much as I could, trying consciously or unconsciously to fill the void with jokes.
Looking back, I realize that this period of my life has irrevocably come to a close; my happy-go-lucky, carefree schooldays are gone forever. I don"t even miss them. I"ve outgrown them. I can no longer just kid around, since my serious side is always there.
I see my life up to New Year"s 1944 as if I were looking through a powerful magnifying gla.s.s. When I was at home, my life was filled with sunshine. Then, in the middle of 1942, everything changed overnight. The quarrels, the accusations-I couldn"t take it all in. I was caught off guard, and the only way I knew to keep my bearings was to talk back.
The first half of 1943 brought crying spells, loneliness and the gradual realization of my faults and short- comings, which were numerous and seemed even more so. I filled the day with chatter, tried to draw Pim closer to me and failed. This left me on my own to face the difficult task of improving myself so I wouldn"t have to hear their reproaches, because they made me so despondent.