Peter helped her look, rummaging around in her cosmetics drawer. "Don"t make such a mess, Peter," she grumbled.
I didn"t catch Peter"s reply, but it must have been insolent, because she cuffed him on the arm. He cuffed her back, she punched him with all her might, and Peter pulled his arm away with a look of mock horror on his face. "Come on, old girl!"
Mrs. van D. stayed put. Peter grabbed her by the wrists and pulled her all around the room. She laughed, cried, scolded and kicked, but nothing helped. Peter led his prisoner as far as the attic stairs, where he was obliged to let go of her. Mrs. van D. came back to the room and collapsed into a chair with a loud sigh.
"Die Enifu"hruna der Mutter,". I joked. [* The Abduction of Mother, a possible reference to Mozart"s opera The Abduction from the Seraglio.]
"Yes, but he hurt me."
I went to have a look and cooled her hot, red wrists with water. Peter, still by the stairs and growing impa- tient again, strode into the room with his belt in his hand, like a lion tamer. Mrs. van D. didn"t move, but stayed by her writing desk, looking for a handkerchief. "You"ve got to apologize first." "All right, I hereby offer my apologies, but only because if I don"t, we"ll be here till midnight."
Mrs. van D. had to laugh in spite of herself. She got up and went toward the door, where she felt obliged to give us an explanation. (By us I mean Father, Mother and me; we were busy doing the dishes.) "He wasn"t like this at home," she said. "I"d have belted him so hard he"d have gone flying down the stairs [!]. He"s never been so insolent. This isn"t the first time he"s deserved a good hiding. That"s what you get with a modern upbringing, modern children. I"d never have grabbed my mother like that. Did you treat your mother that way, Mr. Frank?" She was very upset, pacing back and forth, saying whatever came into her head, and she still hadn"t gone upstairs. Finally, at long last, she made her exit.
Less than five minutes later she stormed back down the stairs, with her cheeks all puffed out, and flung her ap.r.o.n on a chair. When I asked if she was through, she replied that she was going downstairs. She tore down the stairs like a tornado, probably straight into the arms of her Putti.
She didn"t come up again until eight, this time with her husband. Peter was dragged from the attic, given a merciless scolding and showered with abuse: ill-mannered brat, no-good b.u.m, bad example, Anne this, Margot that, I couldn"t hear the rest.
Everything seems to have calmed down again today!
Yours, Anne M. Frank
P.S. Tuesday and Wednesday evening our beloved Queen addressed the country. She"s taking a vacation so she"ll be in good health for her return to the Netherlands.
She used words like "soon, when I"m back in Holland," "a swift liberation," "heroism" and "heavy burdens."
This was followed by a speech by Prime Minister Gerbrandy. He has such a squeaky little child"s voice that Mother instinctively said, "Oooh." A clergyman, who must have borrowed his voice from Mr. Edel, concluded by asking G.o.d to take care of the Jews, all those in concentration camps and prisons and everyone working in Germany.
Since I"ve left my entire "junk box"-including my fountain pen-upstairs and I"m not allowed to disturb the grown-ups during their nap time (until two-thirty), you"ll have to make do with a letter in pencil.
I"m terribly busy at the moment, and strange as it may sound, I don"t have enough time to get through my pile of work. Shall I tell you briefly what I"ve got to do? Well then, before tomorrow I have to finish reading the first volume of a biography of Galileo Galilei, since it has to be returned to the library. I started reading it yesterday and have gotten up to page 220 out of 320 pages, so I"ll manage it. Next week I have to read Palestine at the Cross- roads and the second volume of Galilei. Besides that, I finished the first volume of a biography of Emperor Charles V yesterday, and I still have to work out the many genealogical charts I"ve collected and the notes I"ve taken. Next I have three pages of foreign words from my various books, all of which have to be written down, memorized and read aloud. Number four: my movie stars are in a terrible disarray and are dying to be straightened out, but since it"ll take several days to do that and Professor Anne is, as she"s already said, up to her ears in work, they"ll have to put up with the chaos a while longer. Then there"re Theseus, Oedipus, Peleus, Orpheus, Jason and Hercules all waiting to be untangled, since their various deeds are running crisscross through my mind like mul- ticolored threads in a dress. Myron and Phidias are also urgently in need of attention, or else I"ll forget entirely how they fit into the picture. The same applies, for example, to the Seven Years" War and the Nine Years" War. Now I"m getting everything all mixed up. Well, what can you do with a memory like mine! Just imagine how forgetful I"ll be when I"m eighty!
Oh, one more thing. The Bible. How long is it going to take before I come to the story of the bathing Susanna? And what do they mean by Sodom and Gomorrah? Oh, there"s still so much to find out and learn. And in the meantime, I"ve left Charlotte of the Palatine in the lurch.
You can see, can"t you, Kitty, that I"m full to bursting?
And now something else. You"ve known for a long time that my greatest wish is to be a journalist, and later on, a famous writer. We"ll have to wait and see if these grand illusions (or delusions!) will ever come true, but up to now I"ve had no lack of topics. In any case, after the war I"d like to publish a book called The Secret Annex. It remains to be seen whether I"ll succeed, but my diary can serve as the basis.
I also need to finish "Cady"s Life." I"ve thought up the rest of the plot. After being cured in the sanatorium, Cady goes back home and continues writing to Hans. It"s 1941, and it doesn"t take her long to discover Hans"s n.a.z.i sympathies, and since Cady is deeply concerned with the plight of the Jews and of her friend Marianne, they begin drifting apart. They meet and get back together, but break up when Hans takes up with another girl. Cady is shattered, and because she wants to have a good job, she studies nursing. After graduation she accepts a position, at the urging of her father"s friends, as a nurse in a TB sanatorium in Switzerland. During her first vacation she goes to Lake Como, where she runs into Hans. He tells her that two years earlier he"d married Cady"s successor, but that his wife took her life in a fit of depression. Now that he"s seen his little Cady again, he realizes how much he loves her, and once more asks for her hand in marriage. Cady refuses, even though, in spite of herself, she loves him as much as ever. But her pride holds her back. Hans goes away, and years later Cady learns that he"s wound up in England, where he"s struggling with ill health.
When she"s twenty-seven, Cady marries a well-to-do man from the country, named Simon. She grows to love him, but not as much as Hans. She has two daughters and a son, Lthan, Judith and Nico. She and Simon are happy together, but Hans is always in the back of her mind until one night she dreams of him and says farewell.
. . . It"s not sentimental nonsense: it"s based on the story of Father"s life. Yours, Anne M. Frank
SAt.u.r.dAY, MAY 13, 1944
My dearest Kitty, Yesterday was Father"s birthday, Father and Mother"s nineteenth wedding anniversary, a day without the cleaning lady. . . and the sun was shining as it"s never shone before in 1944. Our chestnut tree is in full bloom. It"s covered with leaves and is even more beautiful than last year.
Father received a biography of Linnaeus from Mr. Kleiman, a book on nature from Mr. Kugler, The Ca.n.a.ls of Amsterdam from Dussel, a huge box from the van Daans (wrapped so beautifully it might have been done by a professional), containing three eggs, a bottle of beer, a jar of yogurt and a green tie. It made our jar of mola.s.ses seem rather paltry. My roses smelled wonderful compared to Miep and Bep"s red carnations. He was thoroughly spoiled. Fifty pet.i.ts fours arrived from Siemons"
Bakery, delicious! Father also treated us to spice cake, the men to beer and the ladies to yogurt. Everything was scrumptious!
Yours, Anne M. Frank
TUESDAY, MAY 16, 1944
My dearest Kitty, just for a change (since we haven"t had one of these in so long) I"ll recount a little discussion between Mr. and Mrs. van D. last night: Mrs. van D.: "The Germans have had plenty of time to fortify the Atlantic Wall, and they"ll certainly do everything within their power to hold back the British. It"s amazing how strong the Germans are!"
Mr. van D.: "Oh, yes, amazing.
Mrs. van D.: "It is!"
Mr. van D.: "They are so strong they"re bound to win the war in the end, is that what you mean?"
Mrs. van D.: "They might. I"m not convinced that they won"t."
Mr. van D.: "I won"t even answer that."
Mrs. van D.: "You always wind up answering. You let yourself get carried away, every single time."
Mr. van D.: "No, I don"t. I always keep my answers to the bare minimum." Mrs. van D.: "But you always do have an answer and you always have to be right! Your predictions hardly ever come true, you know!"
Mr. van D.: "So far they have."
Mrs. van D.: "No they haven"t. You said the invasion was going to start last year, the Finns were supposed to have been out of the war by now, the Italian campaign ought to have been over by last winter, and the Russians should already have captured Lemberg. Oh no, I don"t set much store by your predictions."
Mr. van D. (leaping to his feet): "Why don"t you shut your trap for a change? I"ll show you who"s right; someday you"ll get tired of needling me. I can"t stand your bellyaching a minute longer. just wait, one day I"ll make you eat your words!" (End of Act One.) Actually, I couldn"t help giggling. Mother couldn"t either, and even Peter was biting his lips to keep from laughing. Oh, those stupid grown-ups. They need to learn a few things first before they start making so many remarks about the younger generation!
Since Friday we"ve been keeping the windows open again at night. Yours, Anne M. Frank What Our Annex Family Is Interested In (A Systematic Survey of Courses and Readina Matter) Mr. van Daan. No courses; looks up many things in Knaur"s Encyclopedia and Lexicon; likes to read detective stories, medical books and love stories, exciting or trivial.
Mrs. van Daan. A correspondence course in English; likes to read biographical novels and occasionally other kinds of novels.
Mr. Frank. Is learning English (d.i.c.kens!) and a bit of Latin; never reads novels, but likes serious, rather dry descriptions of people and places. Mrs. Frank. A correspondence course in English; reads everything except detective stories.
Mr. Dussel. Is learning English, Spanish and Dutch with no noticeable results; reads everything; goes along with the opinion of the majority.
Peter van Daan. Is learning English, French (correspondence course), shorthand in Dutch, English and German, commercial correspondence in English, woodworking, economics and sometimes math; seldom reads, sometimes geography. Margot Frank. Correspondence courses in English, French and Latin, shorthand in English, German and Dutch, trigonometry, solid geometry, mechanics, phys- ics, chemistry, algebra, geometry, English literature, French literature, German literature, Dutch literature, bookkeeping, geography, modern history, biology, economics; reads everything, preferably on religion and medicine. Anne Frank. Shorthand in French, English, German and Dutch, geometry, algebra, history, geography, art history, mythology, biology, Bible history, Dutch literature; likes to read biographies, dull or exciting, and history books (sometimes novels and light reading).
FRIDAY, MAY 19, 1944
Dearest Kitty, I felt rotten yesterday. Vomiting (and that from Anne!), headache, stomachache and anything else you can imagine. I"m feeling better today. I"m famished, but I think I"ll skip the brown beans we"re having for dinner.
Everything"s going fine between Peter and me. The poor boy has an even greater need for tenderness than I do. He still blushes every evening when he gets his good-night kiss, and then begs for another one. Am I merely a better subst.i.tute for Boche? I don"t mind. He"s so happy just knowing somebody loves him. After my laborious conquest, I"ve distanced myself a little from the situation, but you mustn"t think my love has cooled. Peter"s a sweetheart, but I"ve slammed the door to my inner self; if he ever wants to force the lock again, he"ll have to use a harder crowbar!
Yours, Anne M. Frank
SAt.u.r.dAY, MAY 20, 1944
Dearest Kitty, Last night when I came down from the attic, I noticed, the moment I entered the room, that the lovely vase of carnations had fallen over. Mother was down on her hands and knees mopping up the water and Margot was fishing my papers off the floor. "What happened?" I asked with anxious foreboding, and before they could reply, I a.s.sessed the damage from across the room. My entire genealogy file, my notebooks, my books, everything was afloat. I nearly cried, and I was so upset I started speaking German. I can"t remember a word, but according to Margot I babbled something about "unlioersehbarer Schaden, schrecklich, entsetzlich, nie zu ersetzen"* [* Incalculable loss, terrible, awful, irreplaceable.] and much more. Fadier burst out laughing and Modier and Margot joined in, but I felt like crying because all my work and elaborate notes were lost.
I took a closer look and, luckily, die "incalculable loss" wasn"t as bad as I"d expected. Up in die attic I carefully peeled apart die sheets of paper diat were stuck togedier and dien hung diem on die clodiesline to dry. It was such a funny sight, even I had to laugh. Maria de" Medici alongside Charles V, William of Orange and Marie Antoinette.
"It"s Ra.s.senschande,"* Mr. van Daan joked. [An affront to racial purity.] After entrusting my papers to Peter"s care, I went back downstairs. "Which books are ruined?" I asked Margot, who was going dirough them. "Algebra," Margot said.
But as luck would have it, my algebra book wasn"t entirely ruined. I wish it had fallen right in the vase. I"ve never loathed any book as much as that one. Inside the front cover are the names of at least twenty girls who had it before I did. It"s old, yellowed, full of scribbles, crossed-out words and revisions. The next time I"m in a wicked mood, I"m going to tear the darned thing to pieces!
Yours, Anne M. Frank
MONDAY, MAY 22,1944
Dearest Kitty, On May 20, Father lost his bet and had to give five jars of yogurt to Mrs. van Daan: the invasion still hasn"t begun. I can safely say that all of Amsterdam, all of Holland, in fact the entire western coast of Europe, all the way down to Spain, are talking about the invasion day and night, debating, making bets and . . . hoping.
The suspense is rising to fever pitch; by no means has everyone we think of as "good" Dutch people kept their faith in the English, not everyone thinks the English bluff is a masterful strategical move. Oh no, people want deeds-great, heroic deeds.
No one can see farther than the end of their nose, no one gives a thought to the fact that the British are fighting for their own country and their own people; everyone thinks it"s England"s duty to save Holland, as quickly as possible. What obligations do the English have toward us? What have the Dutch done to deserve the generous help they so clearly expect? Oh no, the Dutch are very much mistaken. The English, despite their bluff, are certainly no more to blame for the war than all the other countries, large and small, that are now occupied by the Germans. The British are not about to offer their excuses; true, they were sleeping during the years Germany was rearming itself, but all the other countries, especially those bordering on Germany, were asleep too. England and the rest of the world have discovered that burying your head in the sand doesn"t work, and now each of them, especially England, is having to pay a heavy price for its ostrich policy.
No country sacrifices its men without reason, and certainly not in the interests of another, and England is no exception. The invasion, liberation and freedom will come someday; yet England, not the occupied territories, will choose the moment.
To our great sorrow and dismay, we"ve heard that many people have changed their att.i.tude toward us Jews. We"ve been told that anti-Semitism has cropped up in circles where once it would have been unthinkable. This fact has affected us all very, very deeply. The reason for the hatred is understandable, maybe even human, but that doesn"t make it right. According to the Christians, the Jews are blabbing their secrets to the Germans, denouncing their helpers and causing them to suffer the dreadful fate and punishments that have already been meted out to so many. All of this is true. But as with everything, they should look at the matter from both sides: would Christians act any differently if they were in our place? Could anyone, regardless of whether they"re Jews or Christians, remain silent in the face of German pressure? Everyone knows it"s practically impossible, so why do they ask the impossible of the Jews? It"s being said in underground circles that the German Jews who immigrated to Holland before the war and have now been sent to Poland shouldn"t be allowed to return here. They were granted the right to asylum in Holland, but once Hitler is gone, they should go back to Germany.
When you hear that, you begin to wonder why we"re fighting this long and difficult war. We"re always being told that we"re fighting for freedom, truth and justice! The war isn"t even over, and already there"s dissension and Jews are regarded as lesser beings. Oh, it"s sad, very sad that the old adage has been confirmed for the umpteenth time: "What one Christian does is his own responsibthty, what one Jew does reflects on all Jews."
To be honest, I can"t understand how the Dutch, a nation of good, honest, upright people, can sit in judgment on us the way they do. On us-the most oppressed, unfortunate and pitiable people in all the world.
I have only one hope: that this anti-Semitism is just a pa.s.sing thing, that the Dutch will show their true colors, that they"ll never waver from what they know in their hearts to be just, for this is unjust!
And if they ever carry out this terrible threat, the meager handful of Jews still left in Holland will have to go. We too will have to shoulder our bundles and move on, away from this beautiful country, which once so kindly took us in and now turns its back on us.
I love Holland. Once I hoped it would become a fatherland to me, since I had lost my own. And I hope so still!
Yours, Anne M. Frank
THURSDAY, MAY 25, 1944
Dearest Kitty, Bep"s engaged! The news isn"t much of a surprise, though none of us are particularly pleased. Bertus may be a nice, steady, athletic young man, but Bep doesn"t love him, and to me that"s enough reason to advise her against marrying him.
Bep"s trying to get ahead in the world, and Bertus is pulling her back; he"s a laborer, without any interests or any desire to make something of himself, and I don"t think that"ll make Bep happy. I can understand Bep"s wanting to put an end to her indecision; four weeks ago she decided to write him off, but then she felt even worse. So she wrote him a letter, and now she"s engaged. There are several factors involved in this engagement. First, Bep"s sick father, who likes Bertus very much. Second, she"s the oldest of the Voskuijl girls and her mother teases her about being an old maid. Third, she"s just turned twenty-four, and that matters a great deal to Bep.
Mother said it would have been better if Bep had simply had an affair with Bertus. I don"t know, I feel sorry for Bep and can understand her loneliness. In any case, they can get married only after the war, since Bertus is in hiding, or at any rate has gone underground. Besides, they don"t have a penny to their name and nothing in the way of a hope chest. What a sorry prospect for Bep, for whom we all wish the best. I only hope Bertus improves under her influence, or that Bep finds another man, one who knows how to appreciate her! Yours, Anne M. Frank THE SAME DAY There"s something happening every day. This morning Mr. van Hoeven was arrested. He was hiding two Jews in his house. It"s a heavy blow for us, not only because those poor Jews are once again balancing on the edge of an abyss, but also because it"s terrible for Mr. van Hoeven.
The world"s been turned upside down. The most decent people are being sent to concentration camps, prisons and lonely cells, while the lowest of the low rule over young and old, rich and poor. One gets caught for black marketeering, another for hiding Jews or other un- fortunate souls. Unless you"re a n.a.z.i, you don"t know what"s going to happen to you from one day to the next. Mr. van Hoeven is a great loss to us too. Bep can"t possibly lug such huge amounts of potatoes all the way here, nor should she have to, so our only choice is to eat fewer of them. I"ll tell you what we have in mind, but it"s certainly not going to make life here any more agreeable. Mother says we"ll skip breakfast, eat hot cereal and bread for lunch and fried potatoes for dinner and, if possible, vegetables or lettuce once or twice a week. That"s all there is. We"re going to be hungry, but nothing"s worse than being caught. Yours, Anne M. Frank
FRIDAY, MAY 26, 1944
My dearest Kitty, At long, long last, I can sit quietly at my table before the crack in the window frame and write you everything, everything I want to say. I feel more miserable than I have in months. Even after the break-in I didn"t feel so utterly broken, inside and out. On the one hand, there"s the news about Mr. van Hoeven, the Jewish question (which is discussed in detail by everyone in the house), the invasion (which is so long in coming), the awful food, the tension, the misera- ble atmosphere, my disappointment in Peter. On the other hand, there"s Bep"s engagement, the Pentecost reception, the flowers, Mr. Kugler"s birthday, cakes and stories about cabarets, movies and concerts. That gap, that enormous gap, is always there. One day we"re laugh- ing at the comical side of life in hiding, and the next day (and there are many such days), we"re frightened, and the fear, tension and despair can be read on our faces.
Miep and Mr. Kugler bear the greatest burden for us, and for all those in hiding-Miep in everything she does and Mr. Kugler through his enormous responsibthty for the eight of us, which is sometimes so overwhelming that he can hardly speak from the pent-up tension and strain. Mr. Kleiman and Bep also take very good care of us, but they"re able to put the Annex out of their minds, even if it"s only for a few hours or a few days. They have their own worries, Mr. Kleiman with his health and Bep with her engagement, which isn"t looking very promising lat the moment. But they also have their outings, their visits with friends, their everyday lives as ordinary people, so that the tension is sometimes relieved, if only for a short while, while ours never is, never has been, not once in the two years we"ve been here. How much longer will this increasingly oppressive, unbearable weight press I down on us? The drains are clogged again. We can"t run the wa- ter, or if we do, only a trickle; we can"t flush the toilet, so we have to use a toilet brush; and we"ve been putting our dirty water into a big earthenware jar. We can man- age for today, but what will happen if the plumber can"t fix it on his own? The Sanitation Department can"t come until Tuesday.
Miep sent us a raisin bread with "Happy Pentecost" written on top. It"s almost as if she were mocking us, since our moods and cares are far from "happy." We"ve all become more frightened since the van Hoeven business. Once again you hear "shh" from all I sides, and we"re doing everything more quietly. The police forced the door there; they could just as easily do that here too! What will we do if we"re ever. . . no, I mustn"t write that down. But the question won"t let itself be pushed to the back of my mind today; on the contrary, all the fear I"ve ever felt is looming before me in all its horror.
I had to go downstairs alone at eight this evening to use the bathroom. There was no one down there, since they were all listening to the radio. I wanted to be brave, but it was hard. I always feel safer upstairs than in that huge, silent house; when I"m alone with those mysterious m.u.f.fied sounds from upstairs and the honking of horns in the street, I have to hurry and remind myself where I am to keep from getting the shivers.
Miep has been acting much nicer toward us since her talk with Father. But I haven"t told you about that yet. Miep came up one afternoon all flushed and asked Father straight out if we thought they too were infected with the current anti-Semitism. Father was stunned and quickly talked her out of the idea, but some of Miep"s suspicion has lingered on. They"re doing more errands for us now and showing more of an interest in our troubles, though we certainly shouldn"t bother them with our woes. Oh, they"re such good, n.o.ble people!
I"ve asked myself again and again whether it wouldn"t have been better if we hadn"t gone into hiding, if we were dead now and didn"t have to go through this misery, especially so that the others could be spared the burden. But we all shrink from this thought. We still love life, we haven"t yet forgotten the voice of nature, and we keep hoping, hoping for. . . everything. Let something happen soon, even an air raid. Nothing can be more crushing than this anxiety. Let the end come, however cruel; at least then we"ll know whether we are to be the victors or the vanquished.
Yours, Anne M. Frank
WEDNESDAY, MAY 31, 1944
Dearest Kitty, Sat.u.r.day, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday it was too hot to hold my fountain pen, which is why I couldn"t write to you. Friday the drains were clogged, Sat.u.r.day they were fixed. Mrs. Kleiman came for a visit in the afternoon and told us a lot about Jopiej she and Jacque van Maa.r.s.en are in the same hockey club. Sunday Bep dropped by to make sure there hadn"t been a break-in and stayed for breakfast. Monday (a holiday because of Pentecost), Mr. Gies served as the Annex watchman, and Tuesday we were finally allowed to open the windows. We"ve seldom had a Pentecost weekend that was so beautiful and warm. Or maybe "hot" is a better word. Hot weather is horrible in the Annex. To give you an idea of the numerous complaints, I"ll briefly describe these sweltering days. Sat.u.r.day: "Wonderful, what fantastic weather," we all said in the morning. "If only it weren"t quite so hot," we said in the afternoon, when the windows had to be shut.
Sunday: "The heat"s unbearable, the b.u.t.ter"s melt- ing, there"s not a cool spot anywhere in the house, the bread"s drying out, the milk"s going sour, the windows can"t be opened. We poor outcasts are suffocating while everyone else is enjoying their Pentecost." (According to Mrs. van D.) Monday: "My feet hurt, I have nothing cool to wear, I can"t do the dishes in this heat!" Grumbling from early in the morning to late at night. It was awful. I can"t stand the heat. I"m glad the wind"s come up today, but that the sun"s still shining.