"He won"t think that." ("I wish he could," said Kitty to herself.)
They were waiting for the visit of Sir Wilfrid Spence. The Harmouth doctor had desired a higher light on the mysterious illness that kept Lucia lying for ever on her back. It might have been explained, he said, if she had suffered lately some deep mental or moral shock; but Lucia had not confessed to either, and in the absence of any mental cause it would be as well, said the Harmouth doctor, to look for a physical one. The fear at the back of the Harmouth doctor"s mind was sufficiently revealed by his choice of the specialist, Sir Wilfrid Spence.
"_Do_ you think I"m shamming, Kitty? Sometimes I think I am, and sometimes I"m not quite sure. You know, if you think about your spine long enough you can imagine that it"s very queer. But I haven"t been thinking about my spine. It doesn"t interest me. Dr. Robson would have told me if he thought I was shamming, because I asked him to. There"s one thing makes me think it isn"t fancy. I keep on wanting to do things. I want--you don"t know how I want to go to the top of Harcombe Hill. And my ridiculous legs won"t let me. And all the while, Kitty, I want to play. It"s such a long time since I made my pretty music."
A long time indeed, as Kitty was thinking sadly. Lucia had not made her pretty music since that night six months ago when she had played to please Keith Rickman.
"Things keep on singing in my head, and I want to play them. It stands to reason that I would if I could. But I _can"t_. Oh, how I do talk about myself! Kitty, there must be a fine, a heavy fine, of sixpence, every time I talk about myself."
"I shouldn"t make much by it," said Kitty.
Lucia closed her eyes, and Kitty went on with the ma.n.u.script she was copying. After a silence of twenty minutes Lucia opened her eyes again. They rested longingly on Kitty at her work.
"Kitty," she said, "Do you know, I sometimes think it would be better to sell those books. I can"t bear to do it when he gave them to me.
But I do believe I ought to. The worst of it is I should have to ask him to do it for me."
"Don"t do anything in a hurry, dear. Wait and see," said Kitty cheerfully.
It seemed to Lucia that there was nothing to wait for now. She wondered why Kitty said that, and whether it meant that they thought her worse than they liked to say and whether that was why Sir Wilfrid Spence was coming?
"Kitty," she said again, "I want you to promise me something.
Supposing--it"s very unlikely--but supposing after all I were to go and die--"
"I won"t suppose anything of the sort. People don"t go and die of nervous exhaustion. You"ll probably do it fifty years hence, but that is just the reason why I won"t have you harrowing my feelings this way now."
"I know I"ve had such piles of sympathy for my nervous exhaustion that it"s horrid of me to try and get more for dying, too. I only meant if I did do it, quite unexpectedly, of something else--you wouldn"t tell him, would you?"
"Well, dear, of course I won"t mention it if you wish me not to--but he"d be sure to see it in the papers."
"Kitty--you know what I mean. He couldn"t see _that_ in the papers. He couldn"t see it anywhere unless you told him. And if you did, it might make him very uncomfortable, you know."
Poor Kitty, trying to be cheerful under the shadow of Sir Wilfrid Spence, was tortured by this conversation. She had half a mind to say, "You don"t seem to think how uncomfortable you"re making _me_." But she forbore. Any remark of that sort would rouse Lucia to efforts penitential in their motive, and more painful to bear than this pitiful outburst, the first in many months of patience and reserve.
She remembered how Lucia had once nursed her through a long illness in Dresden. It had not been, as Kitty expressed it, "a pretty illness,"
and she had been distinctly irritable in her convalescence; but Lucy had been all tenderness, had never betrayed impatience by any look or word.
"I shouldn"t mind anything, if only I"d been with him when _he_ was ill. But perhaps he"d rather I hadn"t been there. I think it"s that, you know, that I really cannot bear."
Kitty would have turned to comfort her, but for the timely entrance of Robert. He brought a letter for Lucia which Kitty welcomed as an agreeable distraction. It was from Horace Jewdwine. "Any news?" she asked presently.
"Yes. What _do_ you think? He"s going to Paris to-morrow. Then he"s going on to Italy--to Ala.s.sio, with Mr. Maddox."
"Horace Jewdwine and Mr. Maddox? What next?"
"It isn"t Horace that"s going." She gave the letter to Kitty because she had shrunk lately from speaking of Keith Rickman by his name.
"That"s a very different tale," said Kitty
"I"m so glad he"s going. That was what he always wanted to do. Do you remember how I asked him to be my private secretary? Now I"m his private secretary; which is as it should be."
"You mean _I_ am."
"Yes. Do you think you could hurry up so that he"ll get them before he goes? Poor Kitty--I can"t bear your having all these things to do for me."
"Why not? You"d do them for me, if it was I, not you."
"I wish it were you. I mean I wish I were doing things for you. But you haven"t done them all, Kitty. I did some. I forget how many."
"You did three, darling."
"Only three? And there are nine and twenty. Still, he"ll see that I began them. Kitty--do you think he"ll wonder and guess why I left off?"
"Oh no, he isn"t as clever as all that."
"You mustn"t tell him. You"re writing the letter, dear, now, aren"t you? You mustn"t say a word about my illness. Only tell him I"m so glad to hear he"s going to Ala.s.sio with Mr. Maddox."
"I don"t think any the better of him for that. Fancy going to Italy with that brute of a man!"
"He wasn"t really a brute. He only said those things because he cared for him. You can"t blame him for that."
"I don"t blame him for that. I blame him for being a most appalling bounder."
"Do you mind not talking about him any more?"
"No dear, I don"t a bit."
Lucia lay very quiet for some time before she spoke again. "They can"t say now I sacrificed his genius to my pride. You _will_ catch the post, won"t you? What a plague I am, but if they"re posted before seven he"ll get them in the morning and he"ll have time to write.
Perhaps he won"t be starting till the afternoon."
In the morning she again betrayed her mind"s preoccupation. "He must have got them by now. Kitty, did you hear how the wind blew in the night? He"ll have an awful crossing."
"Well then, let"s hope he won"t be very ill; but he isn"t going by the Bay of Biscay, dear."
The wind blew furiously all morning, and when it dropped a little towards evening it was followed by a pelting rain.
"He"s at Dover now."
"In a mackintosh," said Kitty by way of consolation. But Lucia, uncomforted, lay still, listening to the rain. It danced like a thousand devils on the gravel of the courtyard. Suddenly she sat up, raising herself by her hands.
"Kitty!" she cried. "He"s coming. He is really. By the terrace. Can"t you hear?"
Kitty heard nothing but the rain dancing on the courtyard. And the terrace led into it by the other wing. It was impossible that Lucia could have heard footsteps there.
"But I _know_, Kitty, I know. It"s his walk. And he always came that way."
She slipped her feet swiftly on to the floor, and to Kitty"s amazement sat up unsupported. Kitty in terror ran to her and put her arm round her, but Lucia freed herself gently from her grasp. She was trembling in all her body. Kitty herself heard footsteps in the courtyard now.
They stopped suddenly and the door-bell rang.
"Do go to him, Kitty--and tell him. And send him here to me."