A sort of lethargy had taken firm hold of all my senses. I went about like one dreaming, sighing and weeping, and wishing I were dead. My heart lay like a heavy stone within my breast, and a dark impenetrable gloom seemed to have shut out all the brightness of life from my eyes forever.
It was dreary Autumn weather besides, and that fed my morbid tendencies considerably, the wind was plaintive and the leaves were dying, the very sunshine looked pale and cold.
A few days after my reply to cousin Bessie"s generous offer I received a second letter from her which was earnest and loving, and gentle as the first. She expressed great delight at my decision and ensured me the heartiest of welcomes on my arrival.
It was now the eve of our departure and most of our preparations were consummated. I sat in my usual retreat by the window looking out for the last time upon everything that could remind me of a period when I was less miserable than I was then. Now, that I had nothing to distract or busy me, I could sit with folded hands communing with my past and making uncertain conjectures about my future.
I could be happy with Hortense de Beaumont, I thought, if her family were not so strange--and yet--could I? after what had pa.s.sed. My friendship with her had cost me more than I had ever feared or dreamed of and still it was not her fault nor my own. It had been our fate, that we should both have loved the same man, at least not love him, but be capable of loving him, which is a different thing. She really loved Ernest Dalton and I?--might have loved him at any moment, but that moment must never come now.
Hortense should never have cause to think regretfully of what might have been, were it not for Amey Hampden; I should never stand in her way except to guard her, to shield her from sorrow or harm.
I could imagine too well what the pain would be to love and to lose in this instance, and I should therefore never inflict it upon any heart whose happiness was as dear to me as my own. It is true that up to this, Ernest Dalton had never spoken to me of his love, how could I then presume to sacrifice him, when he was not mine to give or to hold? Ah! whoever does not believe in any love but that which finds an outlet in articulate words, knows little or nothing about its power or depth. There is a voiceless love that is neither seen nor heard by other eyes and ears--and I believe it is the best--underlying the framework of our lives; it is a part of every pulse and fibre of our being, no one may know it, no one may heed it, but it glows on undaunted, with its steady, faithful purpose, ministering to its own great needs out of the fulness and abundance of its own intensity.
Such is the nature of the n.o.blest sentiments which have ever inspired a human heart, the love of G.o.d is a silent love, but it is also an active, self-abnegating love, the love of country is a silent love, too great, too sacred for paltry, feeble words. Is it an active love?
History knows best.
And our love for one another, may it not lean towards this wonderful perfection? May it not be a silent love of that silence which is far more expressive than words? May it not brighten our eyes and quicken our pulse, though our lips look so neutral and dumb? Does any one doubt it? Anyone at least, whose own keen perceptions have left him above the necessity of falling in with the ready-made judgments and opinions of the surface-scanning mult.i.tude?
I do not say that such was Ernest Dalton"s regard for me; I do not say that at this time he loved me, I mean in a particular way; but I do say, because I do think, that he acted as if he could. I was not quite the same to him as every other woman friend, he had not spoken to me on many occasions since my return from school; but though they were few they were sufficient to convince me of this.
If a person be honest and trustworthy, the art of veneering is almost beyond his grasp. His smile is a true smile, and his frown a sincere frown; he will not caress you with one hand and cruelly smite you with the other; he can never be a friend to your face and a foe when your back is turned. If he loves you it is written on every feature of his truthful countenance, if he despises you he will show it to you alone.
I doubt if there ever lived a more honest or trustworthy being than Ernest Dalton.
It was a temptation to fall in love with a man like him, with his depth of character and his strength of feeling, with truth and wisdom on his lips, with honor and virtue in his heart. According to our common ideas of men and what we would like them to be, it was little wonder that Hortense and I both knowing Ernest Dalton, should have leaned towards him impulsively from the first, though his years were double our own. So tall and so dignified as he was, with such a striking face and such engaging manners, so courteous, so clever, so good, and he was not yet old, the sprinkling of gray in the hair that crept over his handsome brow seemed to lend fresh vigour to his looks and confirm the character which his appearance otherwise insinuated.
But all this was nothing to _me now_, no more than if it had been some pa.s.sing dream of summer sun-light and flowers; no more than if some optical illusion had dazzled my eyes and gladdened my heart for a short moment, and left me as suddenly again, with my tame and common-place reality.
I must not even dwell upon the memory of what might have been, for I was pretty sure to marry some one else, and then Ernest Dalton could never come back to me in any other light than that of a devoted friend. "I have saved myself in time," said my thought, as I stood up and went away from the window, "a day might have come when to give him up would be to renounce the happiness of my whole life--that day that I had sometimes fondly, though vainly, dreamed of, with all its witching possibilities and which now lay crumbled to dust at my feet.
"What else could I expect?" said I, with a weary sigh, "Is not pain the fate of the great majority, is not sorrow the portion of the children of men?" Anyhow, I was not likely to see Mr. Dalton ever again. I had sent him his locket, with a few words explaining that "_it had been found_ in the library, and _being identified_ as his, I was happy to return it, hoping that its temporary loss had not caused him uneasiness or worry."
I thought that was the best way of returning it, under the circ.u.mstances, and the safest for me, it would prevent any awkward explanations, and accomplish the chief end as effectually as a personal interview. This opinion, however, was not Mr. Dalton"s, for as I turned from the window I could hear the shrill ringing of a bell below, and a moment later Hannah came to announce--
"Mr. Dalton!"
"I cannot see him!" I said, "I am busy and tired--and--tell him, I do not see any one, that will do!"
"Miss Amelia, I think you"d better come," old Hannah suggested, with a respectful, suasive tone, "he says he is the oldest friend you have, and so interested in your welfare, you might show him a little more deference, that"s just what he said, when he saw me looking reluctant about obeying his wish. You know Miss he"s always been like a limb of the family--and it seems unfair."
"Yes, yes Hannah, I will go!" I interrupted eagerly, "tell him, I shall be down in a moment." I flew to the gla.s.s, and began to smoothen my ruffled hair, it was better after all to go down, as if nothing were the matter, he was only my friend, my good, trustworthy friend, and I was not treating him as he merited to be treated in this capacity.
Having restored some order to my appearance, I followed old Hannah down the broad stairway, and entered the drawing-room. He was standing by the mantel, with his back turned, as I went in; in one hand, he held his hat and stick, in the other some vagrant trifle he had taken from the mantel-piece, and which he was studying with seemingly great interest and attention.
At the sound of my foot-fall, he turned slowly around, and came forward to greet me; his face was very serious, and his manner steady and quiet.
"I am glad you have come Amey!" he said, as he took my hand and held it tenderly for a moment, "I feared you would send me away again to-day--although, I do not wish to intrude upon you in your grief. I hear, you are going away!" he then added, motioning me to a seat, and throwing himself half wearily into another, "Is it true?"
"Yes, my cousin, Mrs. Nyle, has written for me," I answered timidly, "and I have decided to go--to-morrow!"
"To-morrow!" he repeated with some surprise.
"Yes, to-morrow morning, the others take the afternoon train for their destination," I said quietly.
"How long do you think you will remain away?" he next asked.
"I cannot tell, it will all depend upon circ.u.mstances."
"What circ.u.mstances, Amey?"
I coloured a little, and looked across the room. It was his privilege as a friend to ask these questions I supposed, although I was not quite prepared to answer them.
"Whether I like my new home and friends, and whether they like me," I began awkwardly.
"Oh, that is what you mean?" he exclaimed gently, interrupting my reply.
I was silent, this was not a safe subject, what else did he think I could have meant?
"I suppose if I had not called this afternoon, you would have gone without bidding me good-bye," he resumed, after a short pause.
"I have not said any good-byes," I answered with an effort to justify myself. "I didn"t see the use" I added, half scornfully, "I am not the Amey Hampden to the world, now, that I used to be."
"You are to me--you will always be!"
This was a most stable friendship. How good and sincere he was!
"Thank you, Mr. Dalton, it is kind of you to say so, a friend in need, you know, is a friend indeed."
"It is the only time I could ever feel that I was your friend, Amey,"
he said, with a half melancholy voice, "even when you were a little child, you never took much notice of me, unless something had gone wrong."
I liked this allusion to the past, it was timely, and brought out our present relationship clearly and comfortably. I laughed, and looked at him freely, as I answered:
"That must have been pretty often, for it seems to me that things have been going wrong all my life," then fearing to strike a dangerous key-note, I added, hastily, "but I must not complain, there are hundreds of people more miserable than I in the world."
"I know one, at any rate, who is," he interrupted, in an undertone. "I have to thank you for returning my locket," he continued, in the same strain, as if it had been suggested by the first remark, "I had given it up as an irretrievable loss."
"Oh! then you got it safely," I exclaimed, with a forced gratification, "I am so glad it was found, for your sake."
"I would not like to lose it now, it is older than you are, Amey," he observed, without changing his sonorous voice.
"Is it indeed?" I answered, not knowing what else to say.
"I lost it on the day of the Merivales" last "At Home,"" he went on, as if talking to himself, "I had it when I came in here, and I missed it when I went out."
"You were not here on that day, were you?" I interrupted, impulsively, after which I could have bitten the end of my tongue off.
He was confused for a moment; it was the first time I had ever seen him in the least agitated, and in my curious astonishment I lost all self-control.
"I would remember if you had been here, for the day is clearly stamped in my memory: it was cold and stormy," I argued, warmly, "I don"t think anyone went out of doors that could help it; it was drifting and bl.u.s.tering so."