I stuck to my conviction that housewives were reactionaries. No "machines for living"; just gadgets to replace the extinct domestic servant, that is, for cleaning and cooking and baby tending.
I got to thinking about dirty windows and that ring around the bathtub that is so hard to scrub, as you have to bend double to get at it. It turned out that an electrostatic device could make dirt go spung! off any polished silica surface, window gla.s.s, bathtubs, toilet bowls-anything of that sort. That was Window Willie and it"s a wonder that somebody hadn"t thought of him sooner. I held him back until I had him down to a price that people could not refuse. Do you know what window washing used to cost by the hour?
I held Willie out of production much longer than suited Miles. He wanted to sell it as soon as it was cheap enough, but I insisted on one more thing: Willie had to be easy to repair. The great shortcoming of most household gadgets was that the better they were and the more they did, the more certain they were to get out of order when you needed them most-and then require an expert at five dollars an hour to make them move again. Then the same thing will happen the following week, if not to the dishwasher, then to the air conditioner... usually late Sat.u.r.day night during a snowstorm.
I wanted my gadgets to work and keep on working and not to cause ulcers in their owners.
But gadgets do get out of order, even mine. Until that great day when all gadgets are designed with no moving parts, machinery will continue to go sour. If you stuff a house with gadgets some of them will always be out of order.
But military research does get results and the military had licked this problem years earlier. You simply can"t lose a battle, lose thousands or millions of lives, maybe the war itself, just because some gadget the size of your thumb breaks down. For military purposes they used a lot of dodges: "fail safe," stand-by circuits, "tell me three times," and so forth. But one they used that made sense for household equipment was the plug-in component principle.
It is a moronically simple idea: don"t repair, replace. I wanted to make every part of Window Willie which could go wrong a plug-in unit, then include a set of replacements with each Willie. Some components would be thrown away, some would be sent out for repair, but Willie himself would never break down longer than necessary to plug in the replacement part.
Miles and I had our first row. I said the decision as to when to go from pilot model to production was an engineering one; he claimed that it was a business decision. If I hadn"t retained control Willie would have gone on the market just as maddeningly subject to acute appendicitis as all other sickly, half-engineered "laborsaving" gadgets.
Belle Darkin smoothed over the row. If she had turned on the pressure I might have let Miles start selling Willie before I thought it was ready, for I was as goofed up about Belle as is possible for a man to be.
Belle was not only a perfect secretary and office manager, she also had personal specs which would have delighted Praxiteles and a fragrance which affected me the way catnip does Pete. With topnotch office girls as scarce as they were, when one of the best turns out to be willing to work for a shoestring company at a below-standard salary, one really ought to ask "why?", but we didn"t even ask where she had worked last, so happy were we to have her dig us out of the flood of paper work that marketing Hired Girl had caused.
Later on I would have indignantly rejected any suggestion that we should have checked on Belle, for by then her bust measurement had seriously warped my judgment. She let me explain how lonely my life had been until she came along and she answered gently that she would have to know me better but that she was inclined to feel the same way.
Shortly after she smoothed out the quarrel between Miles and myself she agreed to share my fortunes. "Dan darling, you have it in you to be a great man... and I have hopes that I am the sort of woman who can help you."
"You certainly are!"
"Shush, darling. But I am not going to marry you right now and burden you with kids and worry you to death. I"m going to work with you and build up the business first. Then we"ll get married."
I objected, but she was firm. "No, darling, we are going a long way, you and I. Hired Girl will be as great a name as General Electric. But when we marry I want to forget business and just devote myself to making you happy. But first I must devote myself to your welfare and your future. Trust me, dear."
So I did. She wouldn"t let me buy her the expensive engagement ring I wanted to buy; instead I signed over to her some of my stock as a betrothal present. I went on voting it, of course. Thinking back, I"m not sure who thought of that present.
I worked harder than ever after that, thinking about wastebaskets that would empty themselves and a linkage to put dishes away after the dishwasher was through. Everybody was happy...everybody but Pete and Ricky, that is. Pete ignored Belle, as he did anything he disapproved of but could not change, but Ricky was really unhappy.
My fault. Ricky had been "my girl" since she was a six-year-old at Sandia, with hair ribbons and big solemn dark eyes. I was "going to marry her" when she grew up and we would both take care of Pete. I thought it was a game we were playing, and perhaps it was, with little Ricky serious only to the extent that it offered her eventual full custody of our cat. But how can you tell what goes on in a child"s mind?
I am no: sentimental about kids. Little monsters, most of them, who don"t civilize until they are grown and sometimes not then. But little Frederica reminded me of my own sister at that age, and besides, she liked Pete and treated him properly. I think she liked me because I never talked down (I had resented that myself as a child) and took her Brownie activities seriously. Ricky was okay; she had quiet dignity arid was not a banger, not a squealer, not a lap climber. We were friends, sharing the responsibility for Pete, and, so far as I knew, her being "my girl" was just a sophisticated game we were playing.
I quit playing it after my sister and mother got it the day they bombed us. No conscious decision -I just didn"t feel like joking and never went back to it. Ricky was seven then; she was ten by the time Belie joined us and possibly eleven when Belle and I became engaged. She hated Belle with an intensity that I think only I was aware of, since it was expressed only by reluctance to talk to her-Belle called it "shyness" and I think Miles thought it was too.
But I knew better and tried to talk Ricky out of it. Did you ever try to discuss with a subadolescent something the child does not want to talk about? You"ll get more satisfaction shouting in Echo Canyon. I told myself it would wear off as Ricky learned how very lovable Belle was.
Pete was another matter, and it I had not been in love I would have seen it as a clear sign that Belle and I would never understand each other. Belle "liked" my eat-oh, sure, sure! She adored cats and she loved my incipient bald spot and admired my choice in restaurants and she liked everything about me.
But liking cats is hard to fake to a cat person. There are cat people and there are others, more than a majority probably, who "cannot abide a harmless, necessary eat." If they try to pretend, out of politeness or any reason, it shows, because they don"t understand how to treat eats-and cat protocol is more rigid than that of diplomacy.
It is based on self-respect and mutual respect and it has the same flavor as the dignidad de hombre of Latin America which you may offend only at risk to your life.
Cats have no sense of humor, they have terribly inflated egos, and they are very touchy. If somebody asked me why it was worth anyone"s time to cater to them I would be forced to answer that there is no logical reason. I would rather explain to someone who detests sharp cheeses why he "ought to like" Limburger. Nevertheless, I fully sympathize with the mandarin who cut off a priceless embroidered sleeve because a kitten was sleeping on it.
Belle tried to show that she "liked" Pete by treating him like a dog... so she got scratched. Then, being a sensible cat, he got out in a hurry and stayed out a long time-which was well, as I would have smacked him, and Pete has never been smacked, not by me. Hitting a eat is worse than useless; a cat can be disciplined only by patience, never by blows.
So I put iodine on Belle"s scratches, then tried to explain what she had done wrong. "I"m sorry it happened: I"m terribly sorry! But it will happen again if you do that again!"
"But I was just petting him!"
"Uh, yes... but you weren"t cat-petting him; you were dogpetting him. You must never pat a eat, you stroke it. You must never make sudden movements in range of its claws. You must never touch it without giving it a chance to see that you are about to... and you must always watch to see that it likes it. If it doesn"t want to be petted, it will put up with a little out of politeness-eats are very polite-but you can tell if it is merely enduring it and stop before its patience is exhausted." I hesitated. "You don"t like cats, do you?"
"What? Why, how silly! Of course I like cats." But she added, "I haven"t been around them much, I suppose. She"s pretty touchy, isn"t she?"
""He." Pete is a he-male cat. No, actually he"s not touchy, since he"s always been well treated. But you do have to learn how to behave with cats. Uh, you must never laugh at them."
"What? Forevermore, why?"
"Not because they aren"t funny; they"re extremely comical. But they have no sense of humor and it offends them. Oh, a cat won"t scratch you for laughing; he"ll simply stalk off and you"ll have trouble making friends with him. But it"s not too important. Knowing how to pick up a cat is much more important. When Pete comes back in I"ll show you how."
But Pete didn"t come back in, not then, and I never showed her. Belle didn"t touch him after that. She spoke to him and acted as if she liked him, but she kept her distance and he kept his. I put it out of my mind; I couldn"t let so trivial a thing make me doubt the woman who was more to me than anything in life.
But the subject of Pete almost reached a crisis later. Belle and I were discussing where we were going to live. She still wouldn"t set the date, but we spent a lot of time on such details. I wanted a ranchette near the plant; she favored a flat in town until we could afford a Bel-Air estate.
I said, "Darling, it"s not practical; I"ve got to be near the plant. Besides, did you ever try to take care of a tomcat in a city apartment?"
"Oh, that! Look, darling, I"m glad you mentioned it. I"ve been studying up on cats, I really have. We"ll have him altered. Then he"ll be much gentler and perfectly happy in a flat."
I stared at her, unable to believe my ears. Make a eunuch of that old warrior? Change him into a fireside decoration? "Bell; you don"t know what you"re saying!"
She tut-tutted me with the old familiar "Mother knows best," giving the stock arguments of people who mistake cats for property... how it wouldn"t hurt him, that it was really for his own good, how she knew how much I valued him and she would never think of depriving me of him, how it was really very simple and quite safe and better for everybody.
I cut in on her. "Why don"t you arrange it for both of us?"
"What, dear?"
"Me, too. I"d be much more docile and I"d stay home nights and I"d never argue with you. As you pointed out, it doesn"t hurt and I"d probably be a lot happier."
She turned red. "You"re being preposterous."
"So are you!"
She never mentioned it again. Belle never let a difference of opinion degenerate into a row; she shut up and bided her time. But she never gave up, either. In some ways she had a lot of cat in her... which may have been why I couldn"t resist her.
I was glad to drop the matter. I was up to here in Flexible Frank. Willie and Hired Girl were bound to make us lots of money, but I had a bee in my bonnet about the perfect, all-work household automaton, the general-purpose servant. All right, call it a robot, though that is a much-abused word and I had no notion of building a mechanical man.
I wanted a gadget which could do anything inside the home-cleaning and cooking, of course, but also really hard jobs, like changing a baby"s diaper, or replacing a typewriter ribbon. Instead of a stable of Hired Girls and Window w.i.l.l.i.e.s and Nursemaid Nans and Houseboy Harries and Gardener Guses I wanted a man and wife to be able to buy one machine for, oh, say about the price of a good automobile, which would be the equal of the Chinese servant you read about but no one in my generation had ever seen.
If I could do that it would be the Second Emanc.i.p.ation Proclamation, freeing women from their age-old slavery. I wanted to abolish the old saw about how "women"s work is never done." Housekeeping is repet.i.tious and unnecessary drudgery; as an engineer it offended me.
For the problem to be within the scope of one engineer, almost all of Flexible Frank had to be standard parts and must not involve any new principles. Basic research is no job for one man alone; this had to be development from former art or I couldn"t do it Fortunately there was an awful lot of former art in engineering and I had not wasted my time while under a "Q" clearance. What I wanted wasn"t as complicated as the things a guided missile was required to do.
Just what did I want Flexible Frank to do? Answer: any work a human being does around a house. He didn"t have to play cards, make love, eat, or sleep, but he did have to clean up after the card game, cook, make beds, and tend babies-at least he had to keep track of a baby"s breathing and call someone if it changed. I decided he did not have to answer telephone calls, as AT&T was already renting a gadget for that. There was no need for him to answer the door either, as most new houses were being equipped with door answerers.
But to do the mult.i.tude of things I wanted him to do, he had to have hands, eyes, ears, and a brain... a good enough brain.
Hands I could order from the atomics-engineering equipment companies who supplied Hired Girl"s hands, only this time I would want the best, with wide-range servos and with the delicate feedback required for microa.n.a.lysis manipulations and for weighing radioactive isotopes. The same companies could supply eyes-only they could be simpler, since Frank would not have to see and manipulate from behind yards of concrete shielding the way they do in a reactor plant.
The ears I could buy from any of a dozen radio-TV houses-though I might have to do some circuit designing to have his hands controlled simultaneously by sight, sound, and touch feedback the way the human hand is controlled.
But you can do an awful lot in a small s.p.a.ce with transistors and printed circuits.
Frank wouldn"t have to use stepladders. I would make his neck stretch like an ostrich and his arms extend like lazy tongs. Should I make him able to go up and down stairs?
Well, there was a powered wheel chair that could. Maybe I should buy one and use it for the cha.s.sis, limiting the pilot model to a s.p.a.ce no bigger than a wheel chair and no heavier than such a chair could carry-that would give me a set of parameters. I"d tie its power and steering into Frank"s brain.
The brain was the real hitch. You can build a gadget linked like a man"s skeleton or even much better. You can give it a feedback control system good enough to drive nails, scrub floors, crack eggs-or not crack eggs. But unless it has that stuff between the ears that a man has, it is not a man, it"s not even a corpse.
Fortunately I didn"t need a human brain; I just wanted a docile moron, capable of largely repet.i.tive household jobs.
Here is where the Thorsen memory tubes came in. The intercontinental missiles we had struck back with "thought" with Thorsen tubes, and traffic-control systems in places like Los Angeles used an idiot form of them. No need to go into theory of an electronic tube that even Bell Labs doesn"t understand too well, the point is that you can hook a Thorsen tube into a control circuit, direct the machine through an operation by manual control, and the tube will "remember" what was done and can direct the operation without a human supervisor a second time, or any number of times. For an automated machine tool this is enough; for guided missiles and for Flexible Frank you add side circuits that give the machine "judgment." Actually it isn"t judgment (in my opinion a machine can never have judgment); the side circuit is a hunting circuit, the programming of which says "look for so-and-so within such-and-such limits; when you find it, carry out your basic instruction." The basic instruction can be as complicated as you can crowd into one Thorsen memory tube-which is a very wide limit indeed!-and you can program so that your "judgment" circuits (moronic back-seat drivers, they are) can interrupt the basic instructions any time the cycle does not match that originally impressed into the Thorsen tube.
This meant that you need cause Flexible Frank to clear the table and sc.r.a.pe the dishes and load them into the dishwasher only once, and from then on he could cope with any dirty dishes he ever encountered. Better still, he could have an electronically duplicated Thorsen tube stuck into his head and could handle dirty dishes the first time he ever encountered them.. -and never break a dish.
Stick another "memorized" tube alongside the first one and he could change a wet baby first time, and never, never, never stick a pin in the baby.
Frank"s square head could easily hold a hundred Thorsen tubes, each with an electronic "memory" of a different household task. Then throw a guard circuit around all the "judgment" circuits, a circuit which required him to hold still and squawk for help if he ran into something not covered by his instructions-that way you wouldn"t use up babies or dishes.
So I did build Frank on the framework of a powered wheel chair. He looked like a hat rack making love to an octopus but, boy, how he could polish silverware!
Miles looked over the first Frank, watched him mix a martini and serve it, then go around emptying and polishing ash trays (never touching ones that were clean), open a window arid fasten it open, then go to my bookcase and dust and tidy the books in it. Miles took a sip of his martini and said, "Too much vermouth."
"It"s the way I like them. But we can tell him to fix yours one way and mine another; he"s got plenty of blank tubes in him. Flexible."
Miles took another sip. "How soon can he be engineered for production?"
"Uh, I"d like to fiddle with him for about ten years." Before he could groan I added, "But we ought to be able to put a limited model into production in five."
"Nonsense! We"ll get you plenty of help and have a Model-T job ready in six months."
"The devil you will. This is my magnum opus. I"m not going to turn him loose until he is a work of art... about a third that size, everything plug-in replaceable but the Thorsens, and so all out flexible that he"ll not only wind the cat and wash the baby, he"ll even play ping-pong if the buyer wants to pay for the extra programming." I looked at him; Frank was quietly dusting my desk and putting every paperback exactly where he found it. "But ping-pong with him wouldn"t be much fun; he"d never miss. No, I suppose we could teach him to miss with a random-choice circuit. Mmm...yes, we could. We will, it would make a nice selling demonstration."
"One year, Dan, and not a day over. I"m going to hire somebody away from Loewy to help you with the styling."
I said, "Miles, when are you going to learn that I boss the engineering? Once I turn him over to you, he"s yours.. -but not a split second before."
Miles answered, "It"s still too much vermouth."
I piddled along with the help of the shop mechanics until I had Frank looking less like a three-car crash and more like something you might want to brag about to the neighbors. In the meantime I smoothed a lot of bugs out of his control system. I even taught him to stroke Pete and scratch him under the chin in such a fashion that Pete liked it-and, believe me, that takes negative feedback as exact as anything used in atomics labs. Miles didn"t crowd me, although he came in from time to time and watched the progress. I did most of my work at night, coming back after dinner with Belle and taking her home. Then I would sleep most of the thy, arrive late in the afternoon, sign whatever papers Belle had for me, see what the shop had done during the day, then take Belle out to dinner again. I didn"t try to do much before then, because creative work makes a man stink like a goat. After a hard night in the lab shop n.o.body could stand me but Pete.
Just as we were finishing dinner one day Belie said to me, "Going back to the shop, dear?"
"Sure. Why not?"
"Good. Because Miles is going to meet us there."
"Huh?"
"He wants a stockholders" meeting."
"A stockholders" meeting? Why?"
"It won"t take long. Actually, dear, you haven"t been paying much attention to the firm"s business lately. Miles wants to gather up loose ends and settle some policies."
"I"ve been sticking close to the engineering. What else am I supposed to do for the firm?"
"Nothing, dear. Miles says it won"t take long."
"What"s the trouble? Can"t Jake handle the a.s.sembly line?"
"Please, dear. Miles didn"t tell me why. Finish your coffee."
Miles was waiting for us at the plant and shook hands as solemnly as if we had not met in a month. I said, "Miles, what"s this all about?"
He turned to Belle. "Get the agenda, will you?" This alone should have told me that Belle had been lying when she claimed that Miles had not told her what he had in mind. But I did not think of it-h.e.l.l, I trusted Belle!-and my attention was distracted by something else, for Belle went to the safe, spun the k.n.o.b, and opened it.
I said, "By the way, dear, I tried to open that last night and couldn"t. Have you changed the combination?"
She was hauling papers out and did not turn. "Didn"t I tell you? The patrol asked me to change it after that burglar scare last week."
"Oh. You"d better give me the new numbers or some night I"ll have to phone one of you at a ghastly hour."
"Certainly." She closed the safe and put a folder on the table we used for conferences.
Miles cleared his throat and said, "Let"s get started."
I answered, "Okay. Darling, if this is a formal meeting, I guess you had better make pothooks... Uh, Wednesday, November eighteenth, 1970, 9:20 P.M., all stockholders present-put our names down-D.B. Davis, chairman of the board and presiding. Any old business?"
There wasn"t any. "Okay, Miles, it"s your show. Any new business?"
Miles cleared his throat. "I want to review the firm"s policies, present a program for the future, and have the board consider a financing proposal."
"Financing? Don"t be silly. We"re in the black and doing better every month. What"s the matter, Miles? Dissatisfied with your drawing account? We could boost it."
"We wouldn"t stay in the black under the new program. We need a broader capital structure."
"What new program?"
"Please, Dan. I"ve gone to the trouble of writing it up in detail. Let Belle read it to us."
"Well... okay."
Skipping the gobbledegook-like all lawyers, Miles was fond of polysyllables-Miles wanted to do three things: (a) take Flexible Frank away from me, hand it over to a production-engineering team, and get it on the market without delay; (-but I stopped it at that point.) "No!"