_VAPID, putting his head in._
Walk in, sir, walk in.
_Vapid._ No, ma"am, I"d rather stay here.
_Lady._ I beg you"ll be seated, Mr Vapid--I have something of consequence to impart to you.
_Enter VAPID, gently._
_Vapid._ I"d never have ventured but in hopes of seeing my dear Marianne.
_Lady._ Indeed I will not detain you a moment.
_Vapid._ Very well, ma"am, if that"s the case----[_Slowly seating himself._] It"s very alarming. [_Aside._
_Lady._ Letty, leave the room, and fasten the door. [_Exit LETTY._
_Vapid._ No, no!--don"t do that, I beseech you!
_Lady._ You"re very much frightened, Mr Vapid;--I hope you don"t suppose I have any design against you?
_Vapid._ I don"t know, really, ma"am--such things are perfectly dramatic.
_Lady._ Well, but, to release you from your fears, I"ll tell you why I have given you this trouble--My business, Mr Vapid, was to converse with you on the farcical affair that happened at Neville"s.
_Vapid._ Farcical!
_Lady._ Yes, sir, the farcical affair that happened at Mr Neville"s.
_Vapid._ Farcical?--what, my epilogue, ma"am?--I hope you don"t mean to reflect on that?
_Lady._ No, sir, far from it--I have no doubt but it is a very elegant composition.
_Vapid._ Doubt!--here it is, read it!--the very first production of the age! A regular climax of poetic beauty!--the last line the _ne plus ultra_ of genius.
_Lady._ But, to be serious, Mr Vapid----
_Vapid._ Why, I am serious:--and I"ll tell you, lady Waitfor"t, "tis the last line of an epilogue, and the last scene of a comedy, that always distracts me--"tis the reconciliation of lovers--there"s the difficulty!--You find it so in real life, I dare say?
_Lady._ Yes.--But Mr Vapid, this affair concerns me excessively, and I wish to know what is to be done.
_Vapid._ I"ll tell you,--write a play,--and, bad as it may possibly be, say it"s a translation from the French, and interweave a few compliments on the English, and, my life on"t, it does wonders.--Do it, and say you had the thought from me.
_Lady._ Sir, do you mean to deride me?
_Vapid._ No.--But only be cautious in your style--women are in general apt to indulge that pruriency and warm luxuriancy of fancy they possess,--but do be careful--be decent--if you are not, I have done with you.
_Lady._ Sir, I desire you"ll be more respectful.--I don"t understand it at all. [_Rising._
_Enter MARIANNE._
_Vapid._ Then here comes one that will explain every thing.
"There"s in her all that we believe of Heaven; Amazing brightness, purity, and truth, Eternal joy, and everlasting love!"
My dear sweet little partner, I rejoice to see you!
_Mari._ And, my dear sweet Mr Poet, I rejoice to see you!
_Lady._ Provoking!--Have I not told you a thousand times, never to break in upon me when I am alone?
_Mari._ Alone, my lady! do you call Mr Vapid n.o.body, then?
_Lady._ Suppose I should,--what is that to you?
_Mari._ Then I have a wrong notion of your n.o.bodies.--I always thought them harmless, unmeaning things; but Mr Vapid"s not so very harmless either--are you, Mr Vapid?
_Vapid._ Indeed, ma"am, I am not.
_Mari._ There now,--I told you so.--Upon my word, you rely too much on your time of life,--you do indeed. You think, because you"re a little the worse for wear, you may trust yourself any where,--but you"re mistaken--you"re not near so bad as you imagine--nay, I don"t flatter, do I, Mr Vapid?
_Vapid._ Indeed, ma"am, you do not.
_Lady._ Look ye, miss,--your insolence is not to be borne--you have been the chief cause of all my perplexities.
_Mari._ Nay, aunt, don"t say that.
_Lady._ No matter,--your behaviour is shameless, and it is high time I exerted the authority of a relation--you are a disgrace to me--to yourself, and your friends--therefore, I am determined to put into execution a scheme I have long thought of.
_Mari._ What is it? something pleasant I hope.
_Lady._ No, you shall retire to a convent, till you take possession of your fortune.
_Mari._ A convent! Oh lord! I can"t make up my mind to it, now don"t, pray don"t think of it--I declare it"s quite shocking.
_Lady._ It is a far better place than you deserve; my resolution is fixed, and we shall see whether a life of solitude and austerity will not awaken some sense of shame in you.
_Mari._ Indeed, I can"t bear the thoughts of it.--Oh do speak to her, Mr Vapid--tell her about the nasty monks, now do,--a convent! mercy! what a check to the pa.s.sions! Oh! I can"t bear it. [_Weeping._
_Vapid._ Gad, here"s a sudden touch of tragedy--pray, Lady Waitfor"t, reflect--you can"t send a lady to a convent when the theatres are open.
_Mari._ It will be the death of me! pray, my dear aunt----
_Lady._ Not a word--I am determined--to-morrow you shall leave this country, and then I have done with you for ever.
_Mari._ Oh! my poor heart! Oh, oh!
_Vapid._ See! she"ll faint!