_Lady._ Nay, dear sir, not so _very_ young.
_Vapid._ Your pardon, ma"am,--and her youth enhances her other merits.--But, oh! she has one charm that surpa.s.ses all.
_Lady._ Has she, sir?--What may that be?
_Vapid._ Her pa.s.sion for the stage.
_Lady._ Sir!
_Vapid._ Yes, her pa.s.sion for the stage; that, in my mind, makes her the first of her s.e.x.
_Lady._ Sir, she has no pa.s.sion for the stage.
_Vapid._ Yes, yes, she has.
_Lady._ But I protest she has not.
_Vapid._ But I declare and affirm it as a fact, she has a strong pa.s.sion for the stage, and a violent attachment for all the people that belong to it.
_Lady._ Sir, I don"t understand you--explain.
_Vapid._ Hark ye,--we are alone--I promise it shall go no further, and I"ll let you into a secret--I know----
_Lady._ Well, what do you know?
_Vapid._ I know a certain dramatic author with whom she----he had a letter from her this morning.
_Lady._ What?
_Vapid._ Yes,--an a.s.signation--don"t be alarmed--the man may be depended on--he is safe--very safe!--Long in the habit of intrigue--a good person too!--a very good person indeed.
_Lady._ Amazement!
_Vapid._ [_Whispering her._] Hark ye, he means to make her happy in less than half an hour.
_Lady._ [_Rising._] Sir, do you know who you"re talking to?--do you know who I am?
_Vapid._ No,--How the devil should I?
_Lady._ Then know I am Lady Waitfor"t!
_Vapid._ You Lady Waitfor"t!
_Lady._ Yes, sir--the only Lady Waitfor"t!
_Vapid._ Mercy on me!--here"s incident!
_Lady._ Yes, and I am convinced you were sent here by that traitor, Neville.--Speak, is he not your friend?
_Vapid._ Yes, ma"am:--I know Mr Neville.--Here"s equivoque!
_Lady._ This is some trick, some stratagem of his.--He gave you the letter to perplex and embarra.s.s me.
_Vapid._ Gave the letter! "gad that"s great.--Pray, ma"am, give me leave to ask you one question--Did you write to Mr Neville?
_Lady._ Yes, sir,--to confess the truth, I did--but from motives----
_Vapid._ Stop, my dear ma"am, stop--I have it--now,--let me be clear--first, you send him a letter; is it not so? yes: then he gives it to me--very well: then I come (supposing you only twenty) mighty well!--then you turn out ninety--charming!---then comes the embarra.s.sment: then the eclairciss.e.m.e.nt! Oh! it"s glorious!--Give me your hand--you have atoned for every thing.
_Lady._ O! I owe all this to that villain, Neville--I am not revengeful--but "tis a weakness to endure such repeated provocations, and I am convinced the mind, that too frequently forgives bad actions, will at last forget good ones.
_Vapid._ Bravo! encore, encore--it is the very best sentiment I ever heard--say it again, pray say it again--I"ll take it down, and blend it with the incident, and you shall be gratified, one day or other, with seeing the whole on the stage.--"The mind that too frequently forgives bad actions will at last forget good ones."
[_Taking it down in his common place book._
_Lady._ This madman"s folly is not to be borne--if my Lord too should discover him. [_VAPID sits, and takes notes._] Here, the consequences might be dreadful, and the scheme of Ennui"s play all undone.--Sir, I desire you"ll quit my house immediately--Oh! I"ll be revenged, I"m determined. [_Exit._
_Vapid._ What a great exit!----Very well!--I"ve got an incident, however.--"Faith, I have n.o.ble talents--to extract gold from lead has been the toil of numberless philosophers; but I extract it from a baser metal, human frailty--Oh! it"s a great thing to be a dramatic genius!--a very great thing indeed. [_As he is going,_
_Enter LORD SCRATCH._
_Vapid._ Sir, your most devoted,----How d"ye do?
_Lord._ Sir, your most obedient.
_Vapid._ Very warm tragedy weather, sir!--but, for my part, I hate summer, and I"ll tell you why,--the theatres are shut, and when I pa.s.s by their doors in an evening, it makes me melancholy--I look upon them as the tombs of departed friends that were wont to instruct and delight me--I don"t know how you feel--perhaps you are not in my way?
_Lord._ Sir!
_Vapid._ Perhaps you don"t write for the stage--if you do,--hark ye--there is a capital character in this house for a farce.
_Lord._ Why! what is all this--who are you?
_Vapid._ Who am I?--here"s a question! in these times who can tell who he is?--for aught I know I may be great uncle to yourself, or first cousin to Lady Waitfor"t--the very woman I was about to--but no matter--since you"re so very inquisitive, do you know who you are?
_Lord._ Look ye, sir, I am Lord Scratch.
_Vapid._ A peer! pshaw! contemptible;--when I ask a man who he is, I don"t want to know what are his t.i.tles, and such nonsense; no, Old Scratch, I want to know what he has written, when he had the curtain up, and whether he"s a true son of the drama.--Harkye, don"t make yourself uneasy on my account--In my next pantomime, perhaps, I"ll let you know who I am, Old Scratch. [_Exit._
_Lord._ Astonishing! can this be Lady Waitfor"t"s house--"Very warm tragedy weather, sir!" "In my next pantomime, let you know who I am."--Gad, I must go and investigate the matter immediately, and if she has wronged me, by the blood of the Scratches, I"ll bring the whole business before parliament, make a speech ten hours long, reduce the price of opium, and set the nation in a lethargy. [_Exit._
SCENE II.
_A Library in LADY WAITFOR"T"S House.--A Sofa and two Chairs._
_Enter VAPID._