CHAPTER III
SHAME IN "THE ROARING GALLANT TOWN"
--"Is it for this I have given away Mine ancient wisdom and austere control?"
""Tres volontiers" repart.i.t le demon. "Vous aimez les tableaux changeants; je veux vous contenter.""
--_Le Sage._
When the door of the house had closed after him, and with Mr.
Amberley"s courteous but grave good-night ringing in his ears, Gilbert Lothian walked briskly away across the Square.
It was very hot. The July sun, that tempest of fire which had pa.s.sed over the town during the day, had sucked up all the sweetness from the air and it was sickly, like air under a blanket which has been breathed many times. As it often is in July, London had been delightfully fresh at dawn, when the country waggons were bringing the sweet-peas and the roses to market, and although his mind had not been fresh as the sun rose over St. James" where he was staying, Lothian had enjoyed the early morning from the window of his bedroom. It had been clear and scentless, like a field with the dew upon it, in the country from which he had come five days ago.
Now his mind was like a field in the full sun of noon, parched and full of hot odours.
He was perfectly aware that he had made a _faux pas_. How far it went, whether he was not exaggerating it, he did not know. The semi-intoxicated person--more especially when speech and gait are more or less normal, as in his case--is quite incapable of gauging the impression he makes on others. In lax and tolerant circles where no outward indication is given him of his state, he goes on his way pleased and confident that he has made an excellent impression, sure that no one has found him out.
But his cunning and self-congratulation quite desert him when he is openly snubbed or reproved. "Was I very far gone?" he afterwards asks some confidential friend who may have been present at his discomfiture.
And whatever form the answer may take, the drunkard is abnormally interested in all the details of the event. Born of the toxic influences in his blood, there is a gaunt and greedy vanity which insists upon the whole scene being re-enacted and commented upon.
Lothian had no one to tell him how far he had gone, precisely what impression he had made upon his hosts and their guests. He felt with a sense of injury that d.i.c.kson Ingworth ought to have come away with him.
The young man owed so much to him in the literary life! It was a treachery not to have come away with him.
As he got into a cab and told the man to drive him as far as Piccadilly Circus, he was still pursuing this train of thought. He had taken Ingworth to the Amberleys", and now the cub was sitting in the drawing room there, with those charming girls! quite happy and at ease. He, Gilbert Lothian himself! was out of it all, shut out from that gracious house and those cultured people whom he had been so glad to meet.
... Again he heard the soft closing of the big front door behind him, and his skin grew hot at the thought. The remembrance of Amberley"s quiet courtesy, but entire change of manner in the hall, was horrible.
He felt as if he had been whipped. The dread of a slight, the fear of a quarrel, which is a marked symptom of the alcoholic--is indeed his torment and curse through life--was heavy upon Lothian now.
The sense of impotence was sickening. What a weak fool he had been to break down and fly like that. To run away! What faltering and trembling incapacity for self-a.s.sertion he had shown. He had felt uneasy with the very servant who gave him his opera hat!
And what had he done after all? Very little, surely.
That prelude of Chopin always appealed to him strongly. He had written about it; Crouchmann had played it privately for him and pointed out new beauties. Certainly he had only met Miss Amberley for the first time that night and he may have been a little over-excited and effusive. His thoughts--a poet"s thoughts after all--had come too quickly for ordered expression. He was too Celtic in manner, too artistic for these staid cold folk.
He tried to depreciate the Amberleys in his thoughts. Amberley was only a glorified trades-man after all! Lothian tried to call up within him that bitter joy which comes from despising that which we really respect or desire. "Yes! d.a.m.n the fellow! He _lived_ on poets and men of letters--privileged people, the salt of the earth, the real forces of life!"
And yet he ought to have stayed on and corrected his mistake. He had made himself ridiculous in front of four women--he didn"t care about the men so much--and that was horribly galling.
As the cab swung down Regent Street, Lothian was sure that if his nerves had not weakened for a moment he would never have given himself away. It was, he felt, very unfortunate. He knew, as he could not help knowing, that not only had he a mind and power of a rare, high quality, but that he possessed great personal charm. What he did not realise was how utterly all these things fled from him when he was not quite sober.
Certainly at this moment he was unable to comprehend it in the slightest. Realisation would come later, at the inevitable punishment hour.
He over-paid his cabman absurdly. The man"s quick and eager deference pleased him. He was incapable of any sense of proportion, and he felt somehow or other reinstated in his own opinion by this trivial and bought servility.
He looked at his watch. It was not very much after ten, and he became conscious of how ridiculously early he had fled from the Amberleys".
But as he stood on the pavement--in the very centre of the pleasure-web of London with its roar and glare--he pushed such thoughts resolutely from him and turned into a luxurious "lounge," celebrated among fast youths and pleasure-seekers, known by an affectionate nick-name at the Universities, in every regimental mess or naval ward-room in Great Britain.
As he went down a carpeted pa.s.sage he saw himself in the long mirror that lined it. He looked quite himself, well-dressed, prosperous, his face under full control and just like any other smart man about town.
At this hour, there were not many people in the place. It would become crowded and noisy later on.
The white and green tiles of the walls gleamed softly in the shaded lights, electric fans and a huge block of ice upon a pedestal kept the air cool. There were palms which refreshed the eye and upon the porphyry counter at which he was served there was a ma.s.s of mauve hydrangea in a copper bowl.
He drank a whiskey and soda very quickly--that was to remove the marked physical exhaustion which had begun to creep over him--ordered another and lit a cigarette.
His nerves responded with magical quickness to the spirit. All day long he had been feeding them with the accustomed poison. The strain of the last half hour had used up more vitality than he had been aware.
For the second time that night--a night so infinitely more eventful than he knew--he became master of himself, calm, happy, even, in the sense of power returned, and complete correspondence with his environment.
The barmaid who served him was--like most of these Slaves of the Still in this part of London--an extremely handsome girl. Her face was painted--all these girls paint their faces--but it was done merely to conceal the pallor and ravages wrought upon it by a hard and feverish life. Lothian felt an immense pity for her, symbolic as she was of all the others, and the few remarks he made were uttered with an instinctive deference and courtesy.
He had been married seven years before this time, and had at once retired into the country with his wife where, by slow degrees, he had felt his way to the work which had at last made him celebrated. But in the past he had known the under side of London well and had chosen it deliberately as his _milieu_.
It had in no way been forced upon him. Struggling journalist and author as he was, good houses had been open to him, for he was a member of a well-known family and had made many friends at Oxford.
But the other life was so much easier! If its pleasures were coa.r.s.e, they were hot and strong! For years, as many a poet has done before him, he lived a bad life, tolerant of vice in himself and others, kind, generous often, but tossed and worn by his pa.s.sions--rivetting the chains link by link upon his soul--until he had met and married Mary.
And no one knew better than he the horrors of life behind the counters of a bar.
He turned away, as two fresh-faced lads came noisily up to the counter, turned away with a sigh of pity. He was quite unconscious--though he would have been interested at the psychological fact--that the girl had wondered at his manner and thought him affected and dull.
She would much rather have been complimented and chaffed. She understood that. Life is full of anodynes. Mercifully enough the rank and file of the oppressed are not too frequently conscious of their miseries. There is a half-truth in the philosophy of Dr. Pangloss, and if fettered limbs go lame, the chains are not always clanking.
The poor barmaid went to bed that night in an excellent humour, for the two lads Lothian had seen brought her some pairs of gloves. And if she had known of Lothian"s pity she would have resented it bitterly.
"Like the fellow"s cheek," she would have said.
Lothian, as he believed, had absolutely recovered his own normal personality. He admitted now, as he left the "lounge," that he had not been his true self at the Amberleys".
"At this moment, as I stand here," he said to himself, ""I am the Captain of my Soul,"" not in the least understanding that when he spoke of his own "soul" he meant nothing more than his five senses.
The man thought he was normal. He was not. On the morrow, when partially recovering from the excesses of to-day, there was a possibility that he might become normal--for a brief period, and until he began to drink again.
For him to become really himself, perfectly clean from the stigmata of the inebriate mind, would have taken him at least six months of total abstinence from alcohol.
Lothian"s health, though impaired, had by no means broken down.
A strong const.i.tution, immense vitality, had preserved it, up to this point. At this period, though a poisoned man, an alcoholised body, there were frequent times of absolute normality--when he was, for certain definite s.p.a.ces of time by the clock, exactly as he would have been had he never become a slave to alcohol at all.
As he stood upon the pavement of Piccadilly Circus, he felt and believed that such a time had come now.
He was mistaken. All that was happening was that there was a temporary lull in the ebb and flow of alcohol in his veins. The brain cells were charged up to a certain point with poison. At this point they gave a false impression of security.
It must be remembered, and it cannot be too strongly insisted on, that the mental processes of the inebriate are _definite_, and are _induced_.
The ordinary person says of an inebriate simply that "he is a drunkard"