Hilda"s voice in replying held a pained quality; this attack on her family very evidently perplexed her.
"Mamma thinks it comes from papa, and papa, I suppose, doesn"t think about it at all; he knows, too, that I sell my pictures. You mustn"t imagine," she added, with a touch of pride and resentment, "that they would let me teach if they knew; you mustn"t imagine that for one moment. And I don"t mean to let them know, for then I couldn"t help them; as it is, my help is limited. The money goes, for the most part, towards _guarding_ mamma. She could not bear shocks and anxiety."
Odd said nothing for some moments.
"How did it begin? how did you come to think of it?" he asked.
"It began some years ago, at the studio where I worked when I first came to Paris. There was a kind, dull French girl there; she had no talent, and she was very rich. She heard my work praised a good deal, and one day, after I had got a picture into the Salon for the first time, she came and asked me if I would give her lessons. Fifteen francs an hour."
Hilda paused in a way which showed Odd that the recollection was painful to her.
"It seemed a _very_ strange thing to me at first, that she should ask me. I had, I"m afraid, rather silly ideas about Katherine and myself; as though we were very elevated young persons, above all the unpleasant realities of life. But my common sense soon got the better of my pride; or rather, I should say, the false pride made way for the honest. We were _awfully_ poor just then. Papa, of course, never could, never even tried to make money; but that winter he went in for exasperated speculation, and really Katherine and I did not know what was to become of us. To keep it from mamma was the great thing. Katherine was just beginning to go out, and no money for gowns and cabs; no money, even, for mamma"s books. Keeping up with current literature is expensive, you know, and mamma has a horror of circulating libraries. The thought of poor mamma"s empty life soon decided me. I remember she had asked one day for John Addington Symonds"s last book, and Katherine and I looked at one another, knowing that it could not be bought. I realized then, that at all events I could make enough to keep mamma in books and Katherine in gloves. You can"t think how nasty, how egotistic my vulgar hesitation seemed to me. My life so full, so happy, and theirs on the verge of ruin. There is something very selfish about art, you know; it shuts one off so much from real life, makes one so indifferent to sc.r.a.pings and pinchings. I realized that, with my shabby clothes and apparent talent, it was most natural for the French girl to think I should be glad of her offer; and indeed I was. It was soothing, too, to have her so eager. She wanted me very much, so I yielded gracefully."
Hilda gave a little smile of self-mockery. "I have taught her ever since. She lives in that house in the Rue d"a.s.sas; rich, bourgeois people, common, but kind. She has no talent"--Hilda"s matter-of-fact manner of knowledge was really impressive--"but I don"t feel unfair in going on with her, for she really does see things now, and that is the greatest pleasure next to seeing and accomplishing; and, indeed, how rarely one accomplishes. Through her I have a great many pupils, for other girls at the studio heard of her progress with me, and wanted private lessons too. All my afternoons are taken up, and, with fifteen francs an hour, you can see what a lot I make. It rather annoys me to think of people far cleverer than I am who can make nothing, and I, just because I have had luck, making so much. But among my pupils, I really have quite a _vogue_; and I _am_ a good teacher, I really think I am."
"I am sure your pupils are very lucky. You have a great many, you say?"
"Yes, quite a lot. Sometimes I give three lessons in an afternoon. With Mademoiselle Lebon, my first pupil, I spend all the afternoon twice a week. She has a gorgeous studio." Hilda smiled again. "It is very nice working there. To-morrow I go for two hours to an old lady; she lives in the Boulevard St. Germain; she is a dear, and a great deal of talent too; she does flowers exquisitely; not the dreadful feminine vulgarities one usually a.s.sociates with women"s flower-painting; why all the incompetents should fall back on those loveliest and most difficult things, I never could understand. But my pupil really sees and selects.
Only think how funny! Katherine met her son at a dance one night--the Comte de Chalons--insignificant but nice, she said; how little he could have connected Katherine with his mother"s teacher! Indeed, he never saw me," and Hilda"s smile became decidedly clever. "I suppose the comtesse--she really is a dear, too--thinks that for a penniless young teacher I am too pretty. Well, I make on an average thirty francs an afternoon. I give Mademoiselle Lebon and Madame de Chalons double time for their money, as old pupils. It would be easier to have a cla.s.s in my studio, of course, but I would lose many of my most interesting pupils, who don"t care about going out; then, too, it would be almost impossible to keep my misdoings undiscovered. And there is all the mystery!" She leaned forward in the dusk of the cab to smile at him playfully. "I am glad to get it off my mind; glad, too, that you should know why I am so often cross and dull; by the time I reach home I am tired. I always bring Palamon, unless it is as rainy as to-day, and of course he puts omnibuses out of the question; omnibuses mount up, too, when one takes them every day. Excuse these sordid details."
"I should think that a young lady who earns thirty francs an afternoon might afford a cab." Odd found it rather difficult to speak. She was mercifully unaware of the aspect in which her drudging, crushed young life appeared to him.
"And then, what would Palamon and I do for exercise!" said Hilda lightly; "it is the walking that keeps me well, I am sure."
His silence seemed to depress her gayety, for after a moment she added: "And really you don"t know how poor we are. I have no right to cabs, really. As it is, it often seems wrong to me spending the money as I do when we owe so much, so terribly much. Thirty francs is a lot, but we need every penny of it, for mere everyday life. I have paid off some of the smaller debts by instalments, but the weekly bills seem to swallow up everything."
His realization of this silent struggle--the whole weight of her selfish family on her frail shoulders--made Odd afraid of his own indignation. The remembrance of Mrs. Archinard"s whines, the Captain"s taunts, yes, and worst of all, Katherine"s gowns and gayety, almost overcame him. He took her hand in his and held it as they rolled along through the wetly shining streets. His continued silence rather alarmed Hilda. The relief of full confidence was so great that she could not bear it impaired by any misinterpretation.
"You do understand," she said; "you do think I am right? My success seems unmerited to you, perhaps? But I try to give my best. I seem very selfish and unkind to mamma, I know, but I really am kind--don"t you think so?--in keeping the truth from her and letting her misjudge me. I know you have thought of me that I was one of those selfish idiots who neglect their real duties for their art; but I can do more for mamma outside our home. And I read to her in the evening. Oh, how conceited, egotistic, all that sounds! But I do want you to believe that I try to do what seems best and wisest."
"Hilda! Hilda!" he put her hand to his lips and kissed the worn glove.
"You simply astound me," he said, after a moment; "your little life facing this great Paris."
"Oh, I am very careful, very wise," Hilda said quickly.
"Careful? You mean that if you were not you might encounter unpleasantnesses?"
She looked at him with a look of knowledge that went strangely with her delicate face.
"Of course one must be careful. I am young--and pretty. I have learned that."
"My child, what other things have you learned?" And Odd"s hold tightened on her hand.
"That terrifying things might happen if one were not brave. Don"t exaggerate, please. I really have found so few lions in my path, and a girl of dignity cannot be really annoyed beyond a certain point. Lions are very much magnified in popular and conventional estimation. A girl can, practically, do anything she likes here in Paris if she is quiet and self-reliant."
Odd stared at her.
"Of course I have always been a coward, after a fashion; I was frightened at first," said Hilda. He understood now the look of moral courage that had haunted him; natural timidity steeled to endurance.
"The greatest trouble with me is that I am too noticeable, too pretty."
She spoke of her beauty in a tone of matter-of-fact experience; "it is a pity for a working woman."
"My child," Odd repeated. He felt dazed.
"Please don"t exaggerate," Hilda reiterated.
"Exaggerate? Tell me about these lions. How have you vanquished them?"
"I have merely walked past them."
His evident dismay gave her a merry little moment of superior wisdom.
"They frightened me and that was all. One was the husband of a person I taught. He used to lie in wait for me in the dining-room." Hilda gave Odd a rather meditative glance. "You won"t be angry? Angry with _me_ for keeping on in my path of independence?"
"No; I won"t be angry with you." Odd felt that his very lips were white.
"Well, he gave me a letter one day." Hilda paused. "What a despicable man!" she said reflectively; "I taught his wife! I tore the letter in two, gave it back to him, and walked out. Naturally, I never went back again." Her voice suddenly broke. "Oh! it was horrible! I felt--"
"What did you feel?"
"I felt as though I were for evermore set apart from _my_ kind of girl, from girls like Katherine. I felt smirched, as though some one had thrown mud at me. That was morbid. I got over it."
"Heavens!" Odd e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed. "Katherine knows this too?" he asked bitingly.
"Oh no, no! Mr. Odd, you are the only person. Never speak of it, will you? Never, never! Poor Kathy! It would drive her mad!"
"And she knows of your work?"
"Yes; I had to tell her of that. She felt dreadfully about it. She wanted me to go out with her, and have pretty dresses, and meet the clever people she meets. You should have seen how happy she was in London last spring! To have me with her! Wrenched away from my paint! Of course I could not give up my work, even if there had been money enough.
I made her see that, and I can"t say I made her agree, but I made her yield. She takes a false view of it still, and worries over it. She wants me to give up the teaching and paint pictures only; but that would be too risky, they don"t sell so surely. I have several on my hands.
But Katherine knows nothing of lions and unpleasantness. I must keep such things secret, or I should not be allowed to go on."
"You think I am safe. I must allow you, I suppose?"
"Yes, you must." She smiled a very decided little smile, adding gravely, "I have confided in you."
"Trust me." There was silence in the cab for some moments. The tall trees of the Cours la Reine dripped in a misty ma.s.s on one side; on the other was the Seine with its lights.
"And the young man I saw at the door as you came out to-day?" said Odd.
"Oh, that is nothing, I hope. He is Mademoiselle Lebon"s brother. A harmlessly disagreeable creature, I fancy." Odd resumed his brooding silence. "What are you thinking of so solemnly?" she asked.
"Of you."
"Why so solemnly? I am afraid you are laboring under all sorts of false impressions. I have told my story stupidly."
"The true impression has stupefied me. Good heavens! Theoretically I believe in the development of character at all costs, and you have certainly developed a _rara avis_ in the line; but practically, practically, my dear little girl, I would have you taken care of in cotton-wool, guarded, protected; you would always be lovely, and you would have been happy. You have been very unhappy."
Hilda was looking at him with that rather vague look of impersonal contemplation characteristic of her.
"How you exaggerate things," she said, smiling; "I have not been unhappy."