"Yes, I let him take it. Oh, you know how mixed all these things are!"
"Yes."
"Of course I didn"t think it out at the time. But I don"t deny that I had a satisfaction in the notion of the hornets" nest he was poking his thick head into. It makes me sick, now, to think I had. I oughtn"t to have let him; he was perfectly innocent in it. After the letter went, I wanted to tell him, but I couldn"t; and then I took the chances too.
I don"t believe he could have ever got forward in politics; he"s too honest--or he isn"t dishonest in the right way. But that doesn"t let me out. I don"t defend myself! I did wrong; I behaved badly. But I"ve suffered for it.
"I"ve had a foreboding all the time that it would come to the worst, and felt like a murderer with his victim when I"ve been alone with Stoller.
When I could get away from him I could shake it off, and even believe that it hadn"t happened. You can"t think what a nightmare it"s been!
Well, I"ve ruined Stoller politically, but I"ve ruined myself, too.
I"ve spoiled my own life; I"ve done what I can never explain to--to the people I want to have believe in me; I"ve got to steal away like the thief I am. Good-by!" He jumped to his feet, and put out his hand to March, and then to Mrs. March.
"Why, you"re not going away now!" she cried, in a daze.
"Yes, I am. I shall leave Carlsbad on the eleven-o"clock train. I don"t think I shall see you again." He clung to her hand. "If you see General Triscoe--I wish you"d tell them I couldn"t--that I had to--that I was called away suddenly--Good-by!" He pressed her hand and dropped it, and mixed with the crowd. Then he came suddenly back, with a final appeal to March: "Should you--do you think I ought to see Stoller, and--and tell him I don"t think I used him fairly?"
"You ought to know--" March began.
But before he could say more, Burnamy said, "You"re right," and was off again.
"Oh, how hard you were with him, my dear!" Mrs. March lamented.
"I wish," he said, "if our boy ever went wrong that some one would be as true to him as I was to that poor fellow. He condemned himself; and he was right; he has behaved very badly."
"You always overdo things so, when you act righteously!"
"Now, Isabel!"
"Oh, yes, I know what you will say. But I should have tempered justice with mercy."
Her nerves tingled with pity for Burnamy, but in her heart she was glad that her husband had had strength to side with him against himself, and she was proud of the forbearance with which he had done it. In their earlier married life she would have confidently taken the initiative on all moral questions. She still believed that she was better fitted for their decision by her Puritan tradition and her New England birth, but once in a great crisis when it seemed a question of their living, she had weakened before it, and he, with no such advantages, had somehow met the issue with courage and conscience. She could not believe he did so by inspiration, but she had since let him take the brunt of all such issues and the responsibility. He made no reply, and she said: "I suppose you"ll admit now there was always something peculiar in the poor boy"s manner to Stoller."
He would confess no more than that there ought to have been. "I don"t see how he could stagger through with that load on his conscience. I"m not sure I like his being able to do so."
She was silent in the misgiving which she shared with him, but she said: "I wonder how far it has gone with him and Miss Triscoe?"
"Well, from his wanting you to give his message to the general in the plural--"
"Don"t laugh! It"s wicked to laugh! It"s heartless!" she cried, hysterically. "What will he do, poor fellow?"
"I"ve an idea that he will light on his feet, somehow. But, at any rate, he"s doing the right thing in going to own up to Stoller."
"Oh, Stoller! I care nothing for Stoller! Don"t speak to me of Stoller!"
Burnamy fond the Bird of Prey, as he no longer had the heart to call him, walking up and down in his room like an eagle caught in a trap. He erected his crest fiercely enough, though, when the young fellow came in at his loudly shouted, "Herein!"
"What do you want?" he demanded, brutally.
This simplified Burnamy"s task, while it made it more loathsome. He answered not much less brutally, "I want to tell you that I think I used you badly, that I let you betray yourself, that I feel myself to blame."
He could have added, "Curse you!" without change of tone.
Stoller sneered in a derision that showed his lower teeth like a dog"s when he snarls. "You want to get back!"
"No," said Burnamy, mildly, and with increasing sadness as he spoke. "I don"t want to get back. Nothing would induce me. I"m going away on the first train."
"Well, you"re not!" shouted Stoller. "You"ve lied me into this--"
"Look out!" Burnamy turned white.
"Didn"t you lie me into it, if you let me fool myself, as you say?"
Stoller pursued, and Burnamy felt himself weaken through his wrath.
"Well, then, you got to lie me out of it. I been going over the d.a.m.n thing, all night--and you can do it for me. I know you can do it," he gave way in a plea that was almost a whimper. "Look here! You see if you can"t. I"ll make it all right with you. I"ll pay you whatever you think is right--whatever you say."
"Oh!" said Burnamy, in otherwise unutterable disgust.
"You kin," Stoller went on, breaking down more and more into his adopted Hoosier, in the stress of his anxiety. "I know you kin, Mr. Burnamy." He pushed the paper containing his letter into Burnamy"s hands, and pointed out a succession of marked pa.s.sages. "There! And here! And this place!
Don"t you see how you could make out that it meant something else, or was just ironical?" He went on to prove how the text might be given the complexion he wished, and Burnamy saw that he had really thought it not impossibly out. "I can"t put it in writing as well as you; but I"ve done all the work, and all you"ve got to do is to give it some of them turns of yours. I"ll cable the fellows in our office to say I"ve been misrepresented, and that my correction is coming. We"ll get it into shape here together, and then I"ll cable that. I don"t care for the money. And I"ll get our counting-room to see this scoundrel"--he picked up the paper that had had fun with him--"and fix him all right, so that he"ll ask for a suspension of public opinion, and--You see, don"t you?"
The thing did appeal to Burnamy. If it could be done, it would enable him to make Stoller the reparation he longed to make him more than anything else in the world. But he heard himself saying, very gently, almost tenderly, "It might be done, Mr. Stoller. But I couldn"t do it.
It wouldn"t be honest--for me."
"Yah!" yelled Stoller, and he crushed the paper into a wad and flung it into Burnamy"s face. "Honest, you d.a.m.n humbug! You let me in for this, when you knew I didn"t mean it, and now you won"t help me out because it a"n"t honest! Get out of my room, and get out quick before I--"
He hurled himself toward Burnamy, who straightened himself, with "If you dare!" He knew that he was right in refusing; but he knew that Stoller was right, too, and that he had not meant the logic of what he had said in his letter, and of what Burnamy had let him imply. He braved Stoller"s onset, and he left his presence untouched, but feeling as little a moral hero as he well could.
x.x.xVIII.
General Triscoe woke in the bad humor of an elderly man after a day"s pleasure, and in the self-reproach of a pessimist who has lost his point of view for a time, and has to work back to it. He began at the belated breakfast with his daughter when she said, after kissing him gayly, in the small two-seated bower where they breakfasted at their hotel when they did not go to the Posthof, "Didn"t you have a nice time, yesterday, papa?"
She sank into the chair opposite, and beamed at him across the little iron table, as she lifted the pot to pour out his coffee.
"What do you call a nice time?" he temporized, not quite able to resist her gayety.
"Well, the kind of time I had."
"Did you get rheumatism from sitting on the gra.s.s? I took cold in that old church, and the tea at that restaurant must have been brewed in a bra.s.s kettle. I suffered all night from it. And that a.s.s from Illinois--"
"Oh, poor papa! I couldn"t go with Mr. Stoller alone, but I might have gone in the two-spanner with him and let you have Mr. or Mrs. March in the one-spanner."
"I don"t know. Their interest in each other isn"t so interesting to other people as they seem to think."
"Do you feel that way really, papa? Don"t you like their being so much in love still?"
"At their time of life? Thank you it"s bad enough in young people."
The girl did not answer; she appeared altogether occupied in pouring out her father"s coffee.