"Yes, I"m to blame. I was wrong to let you come--after that. And so I forgive you for speaking to me in that way again. But it"s perfectly impossible and perfectly useless for me to hear you any more on that subject; and so-good-bye!"
She rose, and he perforce with her. "And do you mean it?" he asked.
"Forever?"
"Forever. This is truly the last time I will ever see you if I can help it. Oh, I feel sorry enough for you!" she said, with a glance at his face. "I do believe you are in earnest. But it"s too late now. Don"t let us talk about it any more! But we shall, if we meet, and so,--"
"And so good-bye! Well, I"ve nothing more to say, and I might as well say that. I think you"ve been very good to me. It seems to me as if you had been--shall I say it?--trying to give me a chance. Is that so?" She dropped her eyes and did not answer.
"You found it was no use! Well, I thank you for trying. It"s curious to think that I once had your trust, your regard, and now I haven"t it. You don"t mind my remembering that I had? It"ll be some little consolation, and I believe it will be some help. I know I can"t retrieve the past now. It is too late. It seems too preposterous--perfectly lurid--that I could have been going to tell you what a tangle I"d got myself in, and to ask you to help untangle me. I must choke in the infernal coil, but I"d like to have the sweetness of your pity in it--whatever it is."
She put out her hand. "Whatever it is, I do pity you; I said that."
"Thank you." He kissed the band she gave him and went.
He had gone on some such terms before; was it now for the last time? She believed it was. She felt in herself a satiety, a fatigue, in which his good looks, his invented airs and poses, his real trouble, were all alike repulsive. She did not acquit herself of the wrong of having let him think she might yet have liked him as she once did; but she had been honestly willing to see whether she could. It had mystified her to find that when they first met in New York, after their summer in St. Barnaby, she cared nothing for him; she had expected to punish him for his neglect, and then fancy him as before, but she did not. More and more she saw him selfish and mean, weak-willed, narrow-minded, and hard-hearted; and aimless, with all his talent. She admired his talent in proportion as she learned more of artists, and perceived how uncommon it was; but she said to herself that if she were going to devote herself to art, she would do it at first-hand. She was perfectly serene and happy in her final rejection of Beaton; he had worn out not only her fancy, but her sympathy, too.
This was what her mother would not believe when Alma reported the interview to her; she would not believe it was the last time they should meet; death itself can hardly convince us that it is the last time of anything, of everything between ourselves and the dead. "Well, Alma,"
she said, "I hope you"ll never regret what you"ve done."
"You may be sure I shall not regret it. If ever I"m low-spirited about anything, I"ll think of giving Mr. Beaton his freedom, and that will cheer me up."
"And don"t you expect to get married? Do you intend to be an old maid?"
demanded her mother, in the bonds of the superst.i.tion women have so long been under to the effect that every woman must wish to get married, if for no other purpose than to avoid being an old maid.
"Well, mamma," said Alma, "I intend being a young one for a few years yet; and then I"ll see. If I meet the right person, all well and good; if not, not. But I shall pick and choose, as a man does; I won"t merely be picked and chosen."
"You can"t help yourself; you may be very glad if you are picked and chosen."
"What nonsense, mamma! A girl can get any man she wants, if she goes about it the right way. And when my "fated fairy prince" comes along, I shall just simply make furious love to him and grab him. Of course, I shall make a decent pretence of talking in my sleep. I believe it"s done that way more than half the time. The fated fairy prince wouldn"t see the princess in nine cases out of ten if she didn"t say something; he would go mooning along after the maids of honor."
Mrs. Leighton tried to look unspeakable horror; but she broke down and laughed. "Well, you are a strange girl, Alma."
"I don"t know about that. But one thing I do know, mamma, and that is that Prince Beaton isn"t the F. F. P. for me. How strange you are, mamma! Don"t you think it would be perfectly disgusting to accept a person you didn"t care for, and let him go on and love you and marry you? It"s sickening."
"Why, certainly, Alma. It"s only because I know you did care for him once--"
"And now I don"t. And he didn"t care for me once, and now he does. And so we"re quits."
"If I could believe--"
"You had better brace up and try, mamma; for as Mr. Fulkerson says, it"s as sure as guns. From the crown of his head to the sole of his foot, he"s loathsome to me; and he keeps getting loathsomer. Ugh! Goodnight!"
XVI.
"Well, I guess she"s given him the grand bounce at last," said Fulkerson to March in one of their moments of confidence at the office. "That"s Mad"s inference from appearances--and disappearances; and some little hints from Alma Leighton."
"Well, I don"t know that I have any criticisms to offer," said March.
"It may be bad for Beaton, but it"s a very good thing for Miss Leighton.
Upon the whole, I believe I congratulate her."
"Well, I don"t know. I always kind of hoped it would turn out the other way. You know I always had a sneaking fondness for the fellow."
"Miss Leighton seems not to have had."
"It"s a pity she hadn"t. I tell you, March, it ain"t so easy for a girl to get married, here in the East, that she can afford to despise any chance."
"Isn"t that rather a low view of it?"
"It"s a common-sense view. Beaton has the making of a first-rate fellow in him. He"s the raw material of a great artist and a good citizen. All he wants is somebody to take him in hand and keep him from makin" an a.s.s of himself and kickin" over the traces generally, and ridin" two or three horses bareback at once."
"It seems a simple problem, though the metaphor is rather complicated,"
said March. "But talk to Miss Leighton about it. I haven"t given Beaton the grand bounce."
He began to turn over the ma.n.u.scripts on his table, and Fulkerson went away. But March found himself thinking of the matter from time to time during the day, and he spoke to his wife about it when he went home. She surprised him by taking Fulkerson"s view of it.
"Yes, it"s a pity she couldn"t have made up her mind to have him. It"s better for a woman to be married."
"I thought Paul only went so far as to say it was well. But what would become of Miss Leighton"s artistic career if she married?"
"Oh, her artistic career!" said Mrs. March, with matronly contempt of it.
"But look here!" cried her husband. "Suppose she doesn"t like him?"
"How can a girl of that age tell whether she likes any one or not?"
"It seems to me you were able to tell at that age, Isabel. But let"s examine this thing. (This thing! I believe Fulkerson is characterizing my whole parlance, as well as your morals.) Why shouldn"t we rejoice as much at a non-marriage as a marriage? When we consider the enormous risks people take in linking their lives together, after not half so much thought as goes to an ordinary horse trade, I think we ought to be glad whenever they don"t do it. I believe that this popular demand for the matrimony of others comes from our novel-reading. We get to thinking that there is no other happiness or good-fortune in life except marriage; and it"s offered in fiction as the highest premium for virtue, courage, beauty, learning, and saving human life. We all know it isn"t.
We know that in reality marriage is dog cheap, and anybody can have it for the asking--if he keeps asking enough people. By-and-by some fellow will wake up and see that a first-cla.s.s story can be written from the anti-marriage point of view; and he"ll begin with an engaged couple, and devote his novel to disengaging them and rendering them separately happy ever after in the denouement. It will make his everlasting fortune."
"Why don"t you write it, Basil?" she asked. "It"s a delightful idea. You could do it splendidly."
He became fascinated with the notion. He developed it in detail; but at the end he sighed and said: "With this "Every Other Week" work on my hands, of course I can"t attempt a novel. But perhaps I sha"n"t have it long."
She was instantly anxious to know what he meant, and the novel and Miss Leighton"s affair were both dropped out of their thoughts. "What do you mean? Has Mr. Fulkerson said anything yet?"
"Not a word. He knows no more about it than I do. Dryfoos hasn"t spoken, and we"re both afraid to ask him. Of course, I couldn"t ask him."
"No."
"But it"s pretty uncomfortable, to be kept hanging by the gills so, as Fulkerson says."
"Yes, we don"t know what to do."
March and Fulkerson said the same to each other; and Fulkerson said that if the old man pulled out, he did not know what would happen. He had no capital to carry the thing on, and the very fact that the old man had pulled out would damage it so that it would be hard to get anybody else to put it. In the mean time Fulkerson was running Conrad"s office-work, when he ought to be looking after the outside interests of the thing; and he could not see the day when he could get married.
"I don"t know which it"s worse for, March: you or me. I don"t know, under the circ.u.mstances, whether it"s worse to have a family or to want to have one. Of course--of course! We can"t hurry the old man up. It wouldn"t be decent, and it would be dangerous. We got to wait."