She closed her eyes for a moment, and pursed her lips as if she had lost a flock of wayward words and didn" t know where to find them. I" d always known she was a private person, kept the really important history to herself- h.e.l.l, until now I" d never known about the rape, the ice mountain between her mother and father, the specifics of the seven-month marriage- I" d known there" d been a husband briefly; but not what had happened; and I" d known about the foster homes; but again, not how lousy it had been for her- even so, getting this slice of steaming craziness out of her was like using your teeth to pry the spikes out of Jesus" s wrists.
Finally, she said, " I took over the case when Charlie Whilborg had his stroke..."
" I remember."
" He was the best litigator in the office, and if he hadn" t gone down two days before they caught..." she paused, had trouble with the name, went on, " ...before they caught Spanning in Decatur, and if Morgan County hadn" t been so worried about a case this size, and bound Spanning over to us in Birmingham...all of it so fast n.o.body really had a chance to talk to him... I was the first one even got near him, everyone was so d.a.m.ned scared of him, of what they thought he was..."
" Hallucinating, were they?" I said, being a smarta.s.s.
" Shut up.
" The office did most of the donkeywork after that first interview I had with him. It was a big break for me in the office; and I got obsessed by it. So after the first interview, I never spent much actual time with Spanky, never got too close, to see what kind of a man he really... "
I said: " Spanky? Who the h.e.l.l" s "Spanky" ?"
She blushed. It started from the sides of her nostrils and went out both ways toward her ears, then climbed to the hairline. I" d seen that happen only a couple of times in eleven years, and one of those times had been when she" d farted at the opera. Lucia di Lammermoor.
I said it again: " Spanky? You" re putting me on, right? You call him Spanky?" The blush deepened. " Like the fat kid in The Little Rascals... c" mon, I don" t f.u.c.kin" believe this!"
She just glared at me.
I felt the laughter coming.
My face started twitching.
She stood up again. " Forget it. Just forget it, okay?" She took two steps away from the table, toward the street exit. I grabbed her hand and pulled her back, trying not to fall apart with laughter, and I said, " Okay okay okay...I" m sorry...I" m really and truly, honest to goodness, may I be struck by a falling s.p.a.ce lab no kidding 100% absolutely sorry...but you gotta admit...catching me unawares like that...I mean, come on, Ally...Spanky!?! You call this guy who murdered at least fifty-six people Spanky? Why not Mickey, or Froggy, or Alfalfa...? I can understand not calling him Buckwheat, you can save that one for me, but Spanky???"
And in a moment her face started to twitch; and in another moment she was starting to smile, fighting it every micron of the way; and in another moment she was laughing and swatting at me with her free hand; and then she pulled her hand loose and stood there falling apart with laughter; and in about a minute she was sitting down again. She threw the balled-up napkin at me.
" It" s from when he was a kid," she said. " He was a fat kid, and they made fun of him. You know the way kids are...they corrupted Spanning into "Spanky" because The Little Rascals were on television and...oh, shut up, Rudy!"
I finally quieted down, and made conciliatory gestures.
She watched me with an exasperated wariness till she was sure I wasn" t going to run any more dumb gags on her, and then she resumed. " After Judge Fay sentenced him, I handled Spa...Henry" s case from our office, all the way up to the appeals stage. I was the one who did the pleading against clemency when Henry" s lawyers took their appeal to the Eleventh Circuit in Atlanta.
" When he was denied a stay by the appellate, three-to-nothing, I helped prepare the brief when Henry" s counsel went to the Alabama Supreme Court; then when the Supreme Court refused to hear his appeal, I thought it was all over. I knew they" d run out of moves for him, except maybe the Governor; but that wasn" t ever going to happen. So I thought: that" s that.
" When the Supreme Court wouldn" t hear it three weeks ago, I got a letter from him. He" d been set for execution next Sat.u.r.day, and I couldn" t figure out why he wanted to see me."
I asked, " The letter...it got to you how?"
" One of his attorneys."
" I thought they" d given up on him."
" So did I. The evidence was so overwhelming; half a dozen counselors found ways to get themselves excused; it wasn" t the kind of case that would bring any litigator good publicity. Just the number of eyewitnesses in the parking lot of that Winn-Dixie in Huntsville...must have been fifty of them, Rudy. And they all saw the same thing, and they all identified Henry in lineup after lineup, twenty, thirty, could have been fifty of them if we" d needed that long a parade. And all the rest of it..."
I held up a hand. I know, the flat hand against the air said. She had told me all of this. Every grisly detail, till I wanted to puke. It was as if I" d done it all myself, she was so vivid in her telling. Made my jaunting nausea pleasurable by comparison. Made me so sick I couldn" t even think about it. Not even in a moment of human weakness.
" So the letter comes to you from the attorney..."
" I think you know this lawyer. Larry Borlan; used to be with the ACLU; before that he was senior counsel for the Alabama Legislature down to Montgomery; stood up, what was it, twice, three times, before the Supreme Court? Excellent guy. And not easily fooled."
" And what" s he think about all this?"
" He thinks Henry" s absolutely innocent."
" Of all of it?"
" Of everything."
" But there were fifty disinterested random eyewitnesses at one of those slaughters. Fifty, you just said it. Fifty, you could" ve had a parade. All of them nailed him cold, without a doubt. Same kind of kill as all the other fifty-five, including that schoolkid in Decatur when they finally got him. And Larry Borlan thinks he" s not the guy, right?"
She nodded. Made one of those sort of comic pursings of the lips, shrugged, and nodded. " Not the guy."
" So the killer" s still out there?"
" That" s what Borlan thinks."
" And what do you think?"
" I agree with him."
" Oh, jeezus, Ally, my aching boots and saddle! You got to be workin" some kind of off-time! The killer is still out here in the mix, but there hasn" t been a killing like those Spanning slaughters for the three years that he" s been in the joint. Now what do that say to you?"
" It says whoever the guy is, the one who killed all those. people, he" s days smarter than all the rest of us, and he set up the perfect freefloater to take the fall for him, and he" s either long far gone in some other state, working his way, or he" s sitting quietly right here in Alabama, waiting and watching. And smiling." Her face seemed to sag with misery. She started to tear up, and said, " In four days he can stop smiling."
Sat.u.r.day night.
" Okay, take it easy. Go on, tell me the rest of it. Borlan comes to you, and he begs you to read Spanning" s letter and...?"
" He didn" t beg. He just gave me the letter, told me he had no idea what Henry had written, but he said he" d known me a long time, that he thought I was a decent, fair-minded person, and he" d appreciate it in the name of our friendship if I" d read it."
" So you read it." " I read it."
" Friendship. Sounds like you an" him was good friends. Like maybe you and I were good friends?"
She looked at me with astonishment.
I think I looked at me with astonishment.
" Where the h.e.l.l did that come from?" I said.
" Yeah, really," she said, right back at me, " where the h.e.l.l did that come from?" My ears were hot, and I almost started to say something about how if it was okay for her to use our Marx Brothers indiscretion for a lever, why wasn" t it okay for me to get cranky about it? But I kept my mouth shut; and for once knew enough to move along. " Must" ve been some letter," I said.
There was a long moment of silence during which she weighed the degree of s.h.i.t she" d put me through for my stupid remark, after all this was settled; and having struck a balance in her head, she told me about the letter.
It was perfect. It was the only sort of come-on that could lure the avenger who" d put you in the chair to pay attention. The letter had said that fifty-six was not the magic number of death. That there were many, many more unsolved cases, in many, many different states; lost children, runaways, unexplained disappearances, old people, college students. .h.i.tchhiking to Sarasota for Spring Break, shopkeepers who" d carried their day" s take to the night deposit drawer and never gone home for dinner, hookers left in pieces in Hefty bags allover town, and death death death unnumbered and unnamed. Fifty-six, the letter had said, was just the start. And if she, her, no one else, Allison Roche, my pal Ally, would come on down to Holman, and talk to him, Henry Lake Spanning would help her close all those open files. National rep. Avenger of the unsolved. Big time mysteries revealed. " So you read the letter, and you went..."
" Not at first. Not immediately. I was sure he was guilty, and I was pretty certain at that moment, three years and more, dealing with the case, I was pretty sure if he said he could fill in all the blank s.p.a.ces, that he could do it. But I just didn" t like the idea. In court, I was always twitchy when I got near him at the defense table. His eyes, he never took them off me. They" re blue, Rudy, did I tell you that...?"
" Maybe. I don" t remember. Go on."
" Bluest blue you" ve ever seen...well, to tell the truth, he just plain scared me. I wanted to win that case so badly, Rudy, you can never know...not just for me or the career or for the idea of justice or to avenge all those people he" d killed, but just the thought of him out there on the street, with those blue eyes, so blue, never stopped looking at me from the moment the trial began...the thought of him on the loose drove me to whip that case like a howling dog. I had to put him away!"
" But you overcame your fear."
She didn" t like the edge of ridicule on the blade of that remark. " That" s right. I finally "overcame my fear" and I agreed to go see him."
" And you saw him."
"Yes."
" And he didn" t know s.h.i.t about no other killings, right?"
"Yes."
" But he talked a good talk. And his eyes was blue, so blue."
" Yes, you a.s.shole."
I chuckled. Everybody is somebody" s fool.
" Now let me ask you this- very carefully- so you don" t hit me again: the moment you discovered he" d been shuckin" you, lyin" , that he didn" t have this long; unsolved crime roster to tick off, why didn" t you get up, load your attache case, and hit the bricks?"
Her answer was simple. " He begged me to stay a while."
" That" s it? He begged you?"
" Rudy, he has no one. He" s never had anyone." She looked at me as if I were made of stone, some basalt thing, an onyx statue, a figure carved out of melanite, soot and ashes fused into a monolith. She feared she could not, in no way, no matter how piteously or bravely she phrased it, penetrate my rocky surface.
Then she said a thing that I never wanted to hear.
"Rudy..."
Then she said a thing I could never have imagined she" d say. Never in a million years.
"Rudy..."
Then she said the most awful thing she could say to me, even more awful than that she was in love with a serial killer.
" Rudy...go inside...read my mind...I need you to know, I need you to understand...Rudy..."
The look on her face killed my heart.
I tried to say no, oh G.o.d no, not that, please, no, not that, don" t ask me to do that, please please I don" t want to go inside, we mean so much to each other, I don" t want to know your landscape. Don" t make me feel filthy, I" m no peeping-tom, I" ve never spied on you, never stolen a look when you were coming out of the shower, or undressing, or when you were being s.e.xy... I never invaded your privacy, I wouldn"t do a thing like that...we" re friends, I don" t need to know it all, I don" t want to go in there. I can go inside anyone, and it" s always awful...please don" t make me see things in there I might not like, you" re my friend, please don" t steal that from me...
"Rudy, please. Do it."
Oh jeezusjeezusjeezus, again, she said it again!
We sat there. And we sat there. And we sat there longer. I said, hoa.r.s.ely, in fear, " Can" t you just...just tell me?"
Her eyes looked at stone. A man of stone. And she tempted me to do what I could do casually, tempted me the way Faust was tempted by Mefisto, Mephistopheles, Mefistofele, Mephostopilis. Black rock Dr. Faustus, possessor of magical mind-reading powers, tempted by thick, l.u.s.trous eyelashes and violet eyes and a break in the voice and an imploring movement of hand to face and a tilt of the head that was pitiable and the begging word please and all the guilt that lay between us that was mine alone. The seven chief demons. Of whom Mefisto was the one " not loving the light."
I knew it was the end of our friendship. But she left me nowhere to run. Mefisto in onyx.
So I jaunted into her landscape.
I stayed in there less than ten seconds. I didn" t want to know everything I could know; and I definitely wanted to know nothing about how she really thought of me. I couldn" t have borne seeing a caricature of a bug-eyed, shuffling, thick-lipped darkie in there. Mandingo man. Steppin Porchmonkey Rudy Pair...
Oh G.o.d, what was I thinking!
Nothing in there like that. Nothing! Ally wouldn" t have anything like that in there. I was going nuts, going absolutely f.u.c.king crazy, in there, back out in less than ten seconds. I want to block it, kill it, void it, waste it, empty it, reject it, squeeze it, darken it, obscure it, wipe it, do away with it like it never happened. Like the moment you walk in on your momma and poppa and catch them f.u.c.king, and you want never to have known that.
But at least I understood.
In there, in Allison Roche" s landscape, I saw how her heart had responded to this man she called Spanky, not Henry Lake Spanning. She did not call him, in there, by the name of a monster; she called him a honey" s name. I didn" t know if he was innocent or not, but she knew he was innocent. At first she had responded to just talking with him, about being brought up in an orphanage, and she was able to relate to his stories of being used and treated like chattel, and how they had stripped him of his dignity, and made him afraid all the time. She knew what that was like. And how he" d always been on his own. The running-away. The being captured like a wild thing, and put in this home or that lockup or the orphanage " for his own good." Washing stone steps with a tin bucket full of gray water, with a horsehair brush and a bar of lye soap, till the tender folds of skin between the fingers were furiously red and hurt so much you couldn" t make a fist.
She tried to tell me how her heart had responded, with a language that has never been invented to do the job. I saw as much as I needed, there in that secret landscape, to know that Spanning had led a miserable life, but that somehow he" d managed to become a decent human being. And it showed through enough when she was face to face with him, talking to him without the witness box between them, without the adversarial thing, without the tension of the courtroom and the gallery and those parasite creeps from the tabloids sneaking around taking pictures of him, that she identified with his pain. Hers had been not the same, but similar; of a kind, if not of identical intensity.
She came to know him a little.
And came back to see him again. Human compa.s.sion. In a moment of human weakness.
Until, finally, she began examining everything she had worked up as evidence, trying to see it from his point of view, using his explanations of circ.u.mstantiality. And there were inconsistencies. Now she saw them. Now she did not turn her prosecuting attorney" s mind from them, recasting them in a way that would railroad Spanning; now she gave him just the barest possibility of truth. And the case did not seem as incontestable.
By that time, she had to admit to herself, she had fallen in love with him. The gentle quality could not be faked; she" d known fraudulent kindness in her time.
I left her mind gratefully. But at least I understood.
" Now?" she asked.
Yes, now. Now I understood. And the fractured gla.s.s in her voice told me. Her face told me. The way she parted her lips in expectation, waiting for me to reveal what my magic journey had conveyed by way of truth. Her palm against her cheek. All that told me. And I said, " Yes."
Then, silence, between us.
After a while she said, " I didn" t feel anything."
I shrugged. " Nothing to feel. I was in for a few seconds, that" s all."
" You didn" t see everything?"
"No."
" Because you didn" t want to?"
"Because..."