I came back to the Warwick and rang for the elevator. I stood in front of the mirrored panel between the two elevator doors, and I stared through my own reflection, into the gla.s.s, looking for an answer.
Then I went up to my room and sat down at the writing desk and rolled a clean sandwich of white bond, carbon, and yellow second sheet into the portable.
I began writing LOVER, KILLER.
It came easily. No one else could write that book.
But, like my father, he hadn"t even said goodbye when I went to get him that gla.s.s of water. That tired old man.. [Want to know more? See Introduction to "Tired Old Man" later in this book.]
Gopher In The Gilly A reminiscence of the carnival Stand behind the tent flap and look at their faces.
You will learn all you"ll ever need to know about the darker side of human nature.
(The Depression leached all joy from the people. Show biz called with its cheap wares, its momentary diversions. The movies did it. Cheap, took you away, and gave you memories to savor later. Carnivals were big. They circled the country. Cheap, gaudy, thrills. Today, no self-respecting carnival will carry a freak bally-a sideshow of malforms and sports. It"s ugly business. Cheap. But in those days, those cheap, ugly days of the Thirties, something was needed to pull in the rubes and the yokels and the kadodies. The freak top. Hurry, hurry, slide right in there, friend, and drag your lady with you, for the most exhilarating, most startling, most unbelievable sights that"ve ever graced your eyes. See Lena, the fattest woman in the world, four hundred pounds of quivering jelly... Lucifer, with a throat of asbestos and a stomach of steel, see him eat fire, chew nails, drink coal oil, wouldn"t it be nice to have him in your living room on a cold Kansas night... Rippo, the fish-boy: where you and I have arms and legs, Rippo has only gills and flippers... see and marvel... see the thing without a name, neither man nor beast, a creature out of bad dreams, he eats snakes, he. bites the heads off chickens, ladies I cannot even describe in public the degradation in which this creature exists... but step up, step inside, see for yourself... see the largest gathering of freaks and marvels ever offered under one big top...) Stand behind the tent flap and look at their faces.
You will learn all you"ll ever need to know about the darker side of human nature.
(Ask any man of forty or fifty, who worked in a carny as a little boy. Ask him if he ever stood behind the flap of the freak top and watched-not the freaks, oh no, not those poor miserable things-ask him if he ever watched the faces of the people. The good people, the solid rural folk with their lives and their morals sunk deep in the Judeo-Christian Ethos. Ask that little boy, now grown to a man, and he will be reluctant to tell you what he saw. But press him nonetheless, and he will tell you of the expressions on the faces of the men as they watched the swaying milk udders of Lena, as they contemplated the s.e.xual wonders implicit in the plastic body of the snake girl. But he will never tell you of the licked lips and bright eyes of the women as they pa.s.sed and lingered to observe the pre-thalidomide monstrosity called the fish-boy, as they let their gaze wander over his barely concealed private parts, as they wondered- nakedly obvious in their rapturous stares-what it would be like to have those flippers touch their bodies, what it would be like to make love to something like that. The little boy will never tell the horror of fascination in the faces of a freak audience, of the women who wanted to couple with the geek, redolent in his own filth, of the men who trembled at the sight of the hermaphrodite; half-man, half-woman, how would one seduce such a thing? Once having stood behind the flap, once having seen the unmasked faces of the secret dreamers, one need never again ask how did the slaughter at My Lai come to be; one need never again wonder what it is in the American character that produces Richard Speck or Charles Manson or Charles Starkweather or Susan Atkins. One need never ask, for it is there in all of us, lying close to the surface of all of us who make up the great freak top audience. The Depression is gone, but the rural rubes are still with us, are still part of all of us. We still need our freaks. Without compa.s.sion, without sympathy, without love... with merely l.u.s.t and fascination and repugnance that attracts more than it repels... we all come to the big show and lick our lips.) I was thirteen years old. Never mind why I ran away from home, that"s another story for another time. I did it; the dream of every middle-American boy in the early 1940s; to run away and join the circus. I had read TOBY TYLER, or Ten Weeks with a Circus, and there was nothing more fascinating, nothing more swashbuckling, nothing more adventurous than to run off and join a circus.
I never found a circus. But I found the ragbag carny those in the circuit called a "gilly." The hit-and-run hundred-mile burn-the-lot operation that figure-eighted across Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and Missouri, looping back through Kentucky to start its pattern all over again. Tri-States Shows it called itself, but you"d never find it listed in Amus.e.m.e.nt Business. It was a pure grifter"s carny, carrying a sorry menagerie, an ugly freak top, and more hanky-panks than I"ve seen at even the grungiest down-at-the-heels county fairs.
What did I do? I was a gopher.
"Hey, kid, go fer some coffee. "
"Hey, kid, go fer some canvas. "
"Hey, kid, go fer that spieler, Sam."
Furless, beardless, clawless, I was a gopher.
I was a honeydipper in the hyena cage, I was a shill for the hanky-panks, I was a lookout for the laws, I was a water boy for the girls working the kootch bally, I was a swamper in the cookhouse. I was three months worth of scut, and didn"t know how crooked the whole operation was, till we got busted in Kansas City, Missouri.
The show had moll dips, it had cannons, it had boosters and paper-hangers, it had everything but a square deal for the marks who frequented the flat stores on the midway and came away lucky to have their shoe soles.
One of the cannons tried to whomp a guy for his wallet in K. C. Turned out the guy was an a.s.sistant D.A., fifteen years on the Force, and he threw the muscle halfway across that time-zone. The entire carny wound up in the K. C. slammer.
Pretty quick, everyone was sprung. The "management" couldn"t afford to have its crew locked up for very long: first, because there were dates that had to be played in towns down the line, and second, because there were enough complaints and warrants out on that show to send everyone away till the next Ice Age. So everyone was sprung.
With two important exceptions.
The first was the geek. The second was me.
Anyone unfamiliar with the term "geek" should seek out and read William Lindsay Gresham"s now-cla.s.sic 1946 novel, NIGHTMARE ALLEY, for the most chillingly accurate description ever set in type. A geek is usually a wetbrain; that is, a young or old man so far gone into alcoholism that his brain has turned to prune-whip yogurt. When he sweats, he sweats sour mash. A gilly locates a skid in whatever town it"s in, and carries him to the next stop, and as many stops as it can get out of him before he either dies or wanders off. For the splendid honorarium of a bottle of gin or two a day, the skid will dress in an animal skin, go without shaving, sleep in a cage, and on cue wallow in his own s.h.i.t, eat dead snakes, bite the head off live chickens. No reputable carny will carry a geek. It is a terrible thing. It plays to the basest hungers and most primal fears in the human repertory. Anyone who could derive enjoyment from watching a debased creature, seemingly only half-human, scuttling across the floor of a foul, stinking pit or pen, smearing itself with feces, rubbing its privates on the gnawed skin of a dead rattlesnake, moaning and rolling its eyes as it devolved before one"s eyes, reverting to a stage of subhuman existence not even Cro-Magnons knew... such a person is beneath contempt, lower even than the poor b.a.s.t.a.r.d in that cage.
I have seen hordes of rural goodfolk, pillars of their communities, churchgoing Christians and advocates of the Protestant Work Ethic, who devoutly enjoyed watching a geek. Stand behind the tent flap. Watch. You"ll learn more about human nature than you ever wished to know.
The geek and I were thrown in the drunk tank, a holding pen, together. He wasn"t sprung because he wasn"t really "carny," he was a pickup, and there were skids all along the road, so why spend hard cash on a slob so beneath notice that he couldn"t even be thought of as human? 1 wasn"t sprung because I wouldn"t give the cops my real name; I didn"t want to go home.
So the gilly took off, minus their geek, minus their gopher.
I spent three days in the K. C. slammer with that old man, that subhuman geek. I"ll bet a month hasn"t gone by since 1947, in that cage in Kansas City, that I haven"t thought of that old drunk.
Three days we were locked together. The hacks, the guards who shepherded us, even they didn"t want to get near us. The smell and look of that geek made them want to puke. They used to slide our food through the bars on the floor, at the end of a pushbroom. I was scared, and ill.
Because they wouldn"t give him anything to drink, and he started having convulsions. He whimpered all through the night, and in the mornings his face was b.l.o.o.d.y and his lips bitten clean through. Along about the second day he went crazy from delerium tremens, and he climbed the bars of the free-standing cage where we were penned, and he began smashing his face against the metal ceiling. He fell and screamed, and lay on his back on the metal floor, moving his legs and arms idly like a turtle on its sh.e.l.l. His face looked like a pound of raw hamburger. And he smelled. A special smell. Not just his pants full of s.h.i.t, and his clothes stinking from the dirt of his carny pen and garbage; he was sweating sour alcohol. A special smell. I"ve never forgotten it. I can"t describe it to you... it smelled like such and such... there is nothing to compare. A million dead bodies turned up in a communal grave, maybe. But I"ve never forgotten that smell.
I don"t drink. I have never drunk.
Finally, on the third day, they took me out. They had to. The Pinkerton Agency men my family had hired to find me had contacted the K. C. police. There had been missing persons flyers sent out on me, dodgers they were called; and someone in K. C. had matched a dodger with my description, even though I wouldn"t tell them my real name or where I was from. And the Pinkertons sent an operative and he came and took me back on the train to Ohio.
I had spent three months with the carny.
And there was very little of romance or adventure or swashbuckling about it. All I came away with was the smell of rotten liquor sweated out through gray, dead skin... an even greater hatred of cops than I"d had to begin with... and the cynical, deadening, utterly inescapable knowledge that if one stands behind the tent flap and watches, one learns more about the darker side of human nature than any kid should ever know.
Strange Wine Two whipcord-lean California Highway Patrolmen supported Willis Kaw between them, leading him from the cruiser to the blanket-covered shape in the middle of the Pacific Coast Highway. The dark brown smear that began sixty yards west of the covered shape disappeared under the blanket. He heard one of the onlookers say, "She was thrown all that way, oh it"s awful," and he didn"t want them to show him his daughter.
But he had to make the identification, and one of the cops held him securely as the other went to one knee and pulled back the blanket. He recognized the jade pendant he had given her for graduation. It was all he recognized.
"That"s Debbie," he said, and turned his head away.
Why is this happening to me, he thought. I"m not from here; I"m not one of them. This should be happening to a human.
"Did you take your shot?"
He looked up from the newspaper and had to ask her to repeat what she had said. "I asked you," Estelle said very softly, with as much kindness as she had left in her, "if you took your insulin." He smiled briefly, recognizing her concern and her attempt to avoid invading his sorrow; and he said he had taken the shot. His wife nodded and said, "Well, I think I"ll go upstairs to bed. Are you coming?"
"Not right now. In a little, maybe."
"You"ll fall asleep in front of the set again."
"Don"t worry about it. I"ll be up in a little while."
She stood watching him for a moment longer, then turned and climbed the stairs. He listened for the sounds of the upstairs ritual-the toilet flushing, the water moving through the pipes to the sink, the clothes closet door squeaking as it was opened, the bedsprings responding as Estelle put herself down for the night. And then he switched on the television set. He switched to Channel 30, one of the empty channels, and turned down the volume control so he did not have to hear the sound of the coaxial" snow."
He sat in front of the set for several hours, his right hand flat against the picture tube, hoping the scanning pattern of the electron bombardment would reveal, through palm flesh grown transparent, the shape of alien bones.
In the middle of the week he asked Harvey Rothammer if he could have the day off Thursday so he could drive out to the hospital in Fontana to see his son. Rothammer was not particularly happy about it, but he didn"t have the heart to refuse. Kaw had lost his daughter, and the son was still ninety-five percent incapacitated, lying in a therapy bed with virtually no hope of ever walking again. So he told Willis Kaw to take the day off, but not to forget that April was almost upon them and for a firm of certified public accountants it was rush season. Willis Kaw said he knew that.
The car broke down twenty miles east of San Dimas; and he sat behind the wheel, in the bludgeoning heat, staring at the desert and trying to remember what the surface of his home planet looked like.
His son, Gilvan, had gone on a vacation to visit friends in New Jersey the summer before. The friends had installed a free-standing swimming pool in the back yard. Gil had dived in and struck bottom; he had broken his back.
Fortunately, they had pulled him out before he could drown, but he was paralyzed from the waist down. He could move his arms, but not his hands. Willis had gone East, had arranged to have Gil flown back to California; and there his son lay in a bed in Fontana.
He could only remember the color of the sky. It was a brilliant green, quite lovely. And things that were not birds, that skimmed instead of flying. More than that he could not remember.
The car was towed back to San Dimas, but the garage had to send off to Los Angeles for the necessary parts. He left the car and took a bus back home. He did not get to see Gil that week. The repair bill was two hundred and eighty-six dollars and forty-five cents, That March the eleven-month drought in Southern California broke. Rain thundered down without end for a week; not as heavily as it does in Brazil, where the drops are so thick and come so close together that people have been known to suffocate if they walk out in the downpour. But heavily enough that the roof of the house sprang leaks. Willis Kaw and Estelle stayed up one entire night, stuffing towels against the baseboards in the living room; but the leaks from the roof apparently weren"t over the outer walls but rather in low spots somewhere in the middle; the water was running down and triculating through.
The next morning, depressed beyond endurance, Willis Kaw began to cry. Estelle heard him as she was loading the soaking towels in the dryer, and ran into the living room. He was sitting on the wet carpet, the smell of mildew rising in the room, his hands over his face, still holding a wet bath towel. She knelt down beside him and took his head in her hands and kissed his forehead. He did not stop crying for a very long time, and when he did his eyes burned.
"It only rains in the evening where I come from," he said to her. But she didn"t know what he meant.
When she realized, later, she went for a walk, trying to decide if she could help her husband.
He went to the beach. He parked on the shoulder just off the Old Malibu Road, locked the car, and trotted down the embankment to the beach. He walked along the sand for an hour, picking up bits of milky gla.s.s worn smooth by the Pacific, and finally he lay down on the slope of a small, weed-thatched dune, and went to sleep.
He dreamed of his home world and-perhaps because the sun was high and the ocean made eternal sounds-he was able to bring much of it back. The bright green sky, the skimmers swooping and rising overhead, the motes of pale yellow light that flamed and then floated up and were lost to sight. He felt himself in his real body, the movement of many legs working in unison, carrying him across the mist sands, the smell of weeping flowers in his mind. He knew he had been born on that world, had been raised there, had grown to maturity and then...
Sent away.
In his human mind, Willis Kaw knew he had been sent away for doing something bad. He knew he had been condemned to this planet, this Earth, for having perhaps committed a crime. But he could not remember what it might have been. And in the dream he could feel no guilt.
But when he awoke, his humanity came back and flooded over him and he felt guilt. And he longed to be back out there, where he belonged, not trapped in this terrible body.
"I didn"t want to come to you," Willis Kaw said. "I think it"s stupid. And if I come, then I seem to be admitting that there"s room for doubt. And I don"t doubt, so..."
The psychiatrist smiled and stirred the cup of cocoa. " And so...you came because your wife insisted."
"Yes." He stared at his shoes. They were brown shoes, he had owned them for three years. They had never fit properly; they pinched and made his big toe on each foot feel as if it were being pressed down by a knife edge, a dull knife edge.
The psychiatrist carefully placed the spoon on a piece of Kleenex, and sipped at his cocoa. "Look, Mr. Kaw: I"m open to suggestion. I don"t want you to be here, nor do you want to be here, if it isn"t going to help you. And," he added quickly, "by help you, I don"t mean convert you to any world-view, any systematized belief, you choose to reject. I"m not entirely convinced, by Freud or Werner Erhard or Scientology or any other rigor, that there is such a thing as" reality." Codified reality. A given, an immutable, a constant. As long as what someone believes doesn"t get him put in a madhouse or a prison, there"s no reason why it should be less acceptable than what we, uh,, straight folks" call reality. If it makes you happy, believe it. What I"d like to do is listen to what you have to say, perhaps offer a few comments, and then see if your reality is compatible with straight folks" reality.
"How does that sound to you?"
Willis Kaw tried to smile back. "It sounds fine. I"m a little nervous."
"Well, try not to be. That"s easy for me to say and hard for you to do, but I mean you no harm; and I"m really quite interested."
Willis uncrossed his legs and stood up. Ills it all right if I just walk around the office a little? It"ll help, I think." The psychiatrist nodded and smiled, and indicated the cocoa. Willis Kaw shook his head. He walked around the psychiatrist"s office and finally said, "I don"t belong in this body. I"ve been condemned to life as a human being, and it"s killing me."
The psychiatrist asked him to explain.
Willis Kaw was a small man, with thinning brown hair and bad eyes. He had weak legs and constantly had need of a handkerchief. His face was set in lines of worry and sadness. He told the psychiatrist all this. Then he said, "I believe this planet is a place where bad people are sent to atone for their crimes. I believe that all of us come from other worlds; other planets where we"ve done something wrong. This Earth is a prison, and we"re sent here to live in these awful bodies that decay and smell bad and run down and die. And that"s our punishment."
"But why do you perceive such a condition, and no one else?" The psychiatrist had set aside the cocoa, and it was growing cold.
"This must be a defective body they"ve put me in," Willis Kaw said. "Just a little extra pain, knowing I"m an alien, knowing I"m serving a prison sentence for something I did, something I can"t remember; but it must have been an awful thing for me to have drawn such a sentence."
"Have you ever read Franz Kafka, Mr. Kaw?"
"No."
"He wrote books about people who were on trial for crimes the nature of which they never learned. People who were guilty of sins they didn"t know they had committed."
"Yes, I feel that way. Maybe Kafka felt that way; maybe he had a defective body, too."
"What you"re feeling isn"t that strange, Mr. Kaw," the psychiatrist said. "We have many people these days who are dissatisfied with their lives, who find out-perhaps too late-that they are transs.e.xual that they should have been living their days as something else, a man, a woman..."
"No, no! That isn"t what I mean. I"m not a candidate for a s.e.x-change. I"m telling you I come from a world with a green sky, with mist sand and light motes that flame and then float up...I have many legs, and webs between the digits and they aren"t fingers..." He stopped and looked embarra.s.sed.
Then he sat down and spoke very softly. "Doctor, my life is like everyone else"s life. I"m sick much of the time, I have bills I cannot pay, my daughter was struck by a car and killed and I cannot bear to think about it. My son was cut off in the prime of his life and he"ll be a cripple from now on. My wife and I don"t talk much, we don"t love each other...if we ever did. I"m no better and no worse than anyone else on this planet and that"s what I"m talking about: the pain, the anguish, the living in terror. Terror of each day. Hopeless. Empty. Is this the best a person can have, this terrible life here as a human being? I tell you there are better places, other worlds where the torture of being a human being doesn"t exist."
It was growing dark in the psychiatrist"s office. Willis Kaw"s wife had made the appointment for him at the last moment and the doctor had taken the little man with the thinning brown hair as a fill-in, at the end of the day.
"Mr. Kaw," the psychiatrist said, "I"ve listened to all you"ve said, and I want you to know that I"m very much in sympathy with your fears." Willis Kaw felt relieved. He felt at last that someone might be able to help him. If not to relieve him of this terrible knowledge and its weight at least to tell him he wasn"t alone. " And frankly, Mr. Kaw," the psychiatrist said, "I think you"re a man with a very serious problem. You"re a sick man and you need intense psychiatric help. I"ll talk to your wife if you like, but if you take my advice, you"ll have yourself placed in a proper inst.i.tution before this condition..."
Willis Kaw closed his eyes.
He pulled the garage door tight and stuffed the cracks with rags. He could not find a hose long enough to feed back into the car from the tail pipe, so he merely opened the car windows and started the engine and let it run. He sat in the back seat and tried to read d.i.c.kens"s DOMBEY AND SoN, a book Gil had once told him he would enjoy.
But he couldn"t keep his attention on the story, on the elegant language, and after a while he let his head fall back, and he tried to sleep, to dream of the other world that had been stolen from him, and the world he knew he would never again see. Finally, sleep took him, and he died.
The funeral service was held at Forest Lawn, and very few people came. It was a weekday. Estelle cried, and Harvey Rothammer held her and told her it was okay. But he was checking his wrist.w.a.tch over her shoulder, because April was almost upon him.
And Willis Kaw was put down in the warm ground, and the dirt of an alien planet was dumped on him by a Chicano with three children, who was forced to moonlight as a dishwasher in a bar and grill because he simply couldn"t meet the payments on his six-piece living room suite if he didn"t.
The many-legged Consul greeted Willis Kaw when he returned. He turned over and looked up at the Consul and saw the bright green sky above. "Welcome back, Plydo," the Consul said.
He looked very sad.
Plydo, who had been Willis Kaw on a faraway world, got to his feet and looked around. Home.
But he could not keep silent and enjoy the moment. He had to know. " Consul, please...tell me...what did I do that was so terrible?"
"Terrible?" The Consul seemed stunned. "We owe you nothing but honor, your grace. Your name is valued above all others." There was deep reverence in his words.
"Then why was I condemned to live in anguish on that other world? Why was I sent away to exist in torment?"
The Consul shook his hairy head, and his mane billowed in the warm breeze. "No, your grace, no! Anguish is what we suffer. Torment is all we know. Only a few, only a very few honored and loved among all the races of the universe can go to that world. Life there is sweet compared to what pa.s.ses for life everywhere else. You are still disoriented. It will all come back to you. You will remember. And you will understand."
And Plydo, who had been, in a better part of his almost eternal life of pain, Willis Kaw, did remember. As time pa.s.sed, he recalled all the eternities of sadness that had been born in him, and he knew that they had given him the only gift of joy permitted to the races of beings who lived in the far galaxies. The gift of a few precious years on a world where anguish was so much less than that known everywhere else.
He remembered the rain, and the sleep, and the feel of beach sand beneath his feet, and ocean rolling in to whisper its eternal song; and on just such nights as those he had despised on Earth, he slept and dreamed good dreams: Of life as Willis Kaw; of life on the pleasure planet.
XNIGHTS & DAYSIN GOOD OLDHOLLYWEIRD.