Callimaco has come out of his house along with Siro, his servant, and will shed some light on matters. Watch carefully for you will not get another explanation.
1. This is thought to be a reference to Machiavelli"s lost play This is thought to be a reference to Machiavelli"s lost play Le Maschere Le Maschere, which was said to lampoon many distinguished Florentines of the time.
ACT I I.
SCENE ONE.
Callimaco and SiroCALLIMACO: Siro, don"t go. I want to tell you something. Siro, don"t go. I want to tell you something.SIRO: Here I am. Here I am.CALLIMACO: I imagine you must have been quite surprised by my sudden departure from Paris, and wondering that I have been a whole month here without doing a thing. I imagine you must have been quite surprised by my sudden departure from Paris, and wondering that I have been a whole month here without doing a thing.SIRO: That is true. That is true.CALLIMACO: If I haven"t told you before now what I am about to tell you, it"s not because I don"t trust you, but because in my view it is better for a man not to discuss the things he doesn"t want known unless he has to. But I think I might need your help, so I will tell you everything. If I haven"t told you before now what I am about to tell you, it"s not because I don"t trust you, but because in my view it is better for a man not to discuss the things he doesn"t want known unless he has to. But I think I might need your help, so I will tell you everything.SIRO: I am your servant, and servants should never ask their masters anything or peek into their private affairs. But when the master speaks of his own accord, a servant must serve loyally. That is what I"ve always done and what I will always do. I am your servant, and servants should never ask their masters anything or peek into their private affairs. But when the master speaks of his own accord, a servant must serve loyally. That is what I"ve always done and what I will always do.CALLIMACO: I know, I know. You must have heard me say this a thousand times, but it won"t matter if you hear it a thousand and first time: When I was ten and my mother and father died, my guardians sent me to Paris, where I lived for twenty years. I had been there just ten years when King Charles marched on Italy and the Italian wars began, which ravaged the whole country. I decided to stay in Paris and never return to Italy, as I felt I could live more safely there than here. I know, I know. You must have heard me say this a thousand times, but it won"t matter if you hear it a thousand and first time: When I was ten and my mother and father died, my guardians sent me to Paris, where I lived for twenty years. I had been there just ten years when King Charles marched on Italy and the Italian wars began, which ravaged the whole country. I decided to stay in Paris and never return to Italy, as I felt I could live more safely there than here.SIRO: So it is. So it is.CALLIMACO: And having from Paris commissioned someone to sell all my property in Florence except for my house, I settled down in France and continued living there most happily for another ten years ... And having from Paris commissioned someone to sell all my property in Florence except for my house, I settled down in France and continued living there most happily for another ten years ...SIRO: I know. I know.CALLIMACO: ... dividing my time among studies, pleasure, and business, always striving that no activity should enc.u.mber the others. As you know, I lived a calm life, being of use to everyone and doing my best not to harm anyone, so that from what I could tell I was liked by townspeople and gentlemen, foreigners and locals, rich and poor. ... dividing my time among studies, pleasure, and business, always striving that no activity should enc.u.mber the others. As you know, I lived a calm life, being of use to everyone and doing my best not to harm anyone, so that from what I could tell I was liked by townspeople and gentlemen, foreigners and locals, rich and poor.SIRO: This is true. This is true.CALLIMACO: But Fortune deemed that I was having too good a time, and sent a certain Cammillo Calfucci to Paris. But Fortune deemed that I was having too good a time, and sent a certain Cammillo Calfucci to Paris.SIRO: I am beginning to guess what your trouble is. I am beginning to guess what your trouble is.CALLIMACO: I often invited him to my house, as I invited many other Florentines in Paris. Then one day, as we were conversing, we began to debate which were more beautiful, the women of Italy or the women of France. As I could not evaluate Italian women, since I was young when I left, another Florentine who was present debated for France, and Cammillo for Italy. After many arguments presented by both sides, Cammillo, almost irate, proclaimed that even if all Italian women were monsters, there was one lady of his family who could single-handedly win back their honor. I often invited him to my house, as I invited many other Florentines in Paris. Then one day, as we were conversing, we began to debate which were more beautiful, the women of Italy or the women of France. As I could not evaluate Italian women, since I was young when I left, another Florentine who was present debated for France, and Cammillo for Italy. After many arguments presented by both sides, Cammillo, almost irate, proclaimed that even if all Italian women were monsters, there was one lady of his family who could single-handedly win back their honor.SIRO: Now I see what you mean. Now I see what you mean.CALLIMACO: And he named Madonna Lucrezia, the wife of Messer Nicia Calfucci. He so praised her beauty and grace that he left the rest of us stupefied. He sparked such a desire in me to see her that without further ado, and without giving a thought to war or peace in Italy, I set out for Florence. Here I found to my amazement that Madonna Lucrezia"s beauty far outshines its fame, which so rarely happens. I have been seized by such a desire to be with her that I shall go mad. SIRO: Had you told me about this in Paris, I"d have known how to advise you. But now I don"t know what I can say. And he named Madonna Lucrezia, the wife of Messer Nicia Calfucci. He so praised her beauty and grace that he left the rest of us stupefied. He sparked such a desire in me to see her that without further ado, and without giving a thought to war or peace in Italy, I set out for Florence. Here I found to my amazement that Madonna Lucrezia"s beauty far outshines its fame, which so rarely happens. I have been seized by such a desire to be with her that I shall go mad. SIRO: Had you told me about this in Paris, I"d have known how to advise you. But now I don"t know what I can say.CALLIMACO: I"m not telling you this so you can advise me, but to get it off my chest, and also to have you prepare yourself to help me should the need arise. I"m not telling you this so you can advise me, but to get it off my chest, and also to have you prepare yourself to help me should the need arise.SIRO: I am ready and willing, but what hopes do you have? I am ready and willing, but what hopes do you have?CALLIMACO: Alas, none-or few, if any. Alas, none-or few, if any.SIRO: Oh, why is that? Oh, why is that?CALLIMACO: I"ll tell you. First of all, her nature wages war on me, for she is most virtuous and a stranger to matters of love. Then, she has a husband who is extremely rich and who allows her to rule him in every way, and though he is not prodigiously young, he is not prodigiously old either, from what I can tell. She has no relatives or neighbors with whom she could go to a soiree or a ball, nor does she involve herself in any of the entertainments in which the young delight. No tradesmen ever visit her house. All her maids and servants tremble before her, so there is no possibility of bribery. I"ll tell you. First of all, her nature wages war on me, for she is most virtuous and a stranger to matters of love. Then, she has a husband who is extremely rich and who allows her to rule him in every way, and though he is not prodigiously young, he is not prodigiously old either, from what I can tell. She has no relatives or neighbors with whom she could go to a soiree or a ball, nor does she involve herself in any of the entertainments in which the young delight. No tradesmen ever visit her house. All her maids and servants tremble before her, so there is no possibility of bribery.SIRO: So what do you think you might be able to do? So what do you think you might be able to do?CALLIMACO: No circ.u.mstance is ever so desperate that one cannot nurture some spark of hope. And even if this spark is weak and futile, man is blinded by his will and desire to achieve his goal. No circ.u.mstance is ever so desperate that one cannot nurture some spark of hope. And even if this spark is weak and futile, man is blinded by his will and desire to achieve his goal.SIRO: So what is it that gives you hope? So what is it that gives you hope?CALLIMACO: Two things: One is the foolishness of Messer Nicia, who, though a doctor of law, is the simplest and most foolish man in all of Florence, and the second is his desire to have children. They have been married for six years and have not had any yet, but as they are so rich, they do not wish to die childless. There is also a third thing that gives me hope: Her mother used to enjoy going out on the town a bit, but now she is rich and I"m not sure how she is to be approached. Two things: One is the foolishness of Messer Nicia, who, though a doctor of law, is the simplest and most foolish man in all of Florence, and the second is his desire to have children. They have been married for six years and have not had any yet, but as they are so rich, they do not wish to die childless. There is also a third thing that gives me hope: Her mother used to enjoy going out on the town a bit, but now she is rich and I"m not sure how she is to be approached.SIRO: Have you tried anything yet? Have you tried anything yet?CALLIMACO: Yes, I have, but nothing substantial. Yes, I have, but nothing substantial.SIRO: What do you mean? What do you mean?CALLIMACO: You know Ligurio, who"s always coming around to dine here? He used to be a matchmaker, but now he"s taken to scrounging lunches and dinners. He is a charming man, and he and Messer Nicia have become quite inseparable. Ligurio is swindling him for all he can. Messer Nicia never asks him to dinner, but sometimes lends him money. I"ve befriended Ligurio and told him about my love, and he"s promised to help me body and soul. You know Ligurio, who"s always coming around to dine here? He used to be a matchmaker, but now he"s taken to scrounging lunches and dinners. He is a charming man, and he and Messer Nicia have become quite inseparable. Ligurio is swindling him for all he can. Messer Nicia never asks him to dinner, but sometimes lends him money. I"ve befriended Ligurio and told him about my love, and he"s promised to help me body and soul.SIRO: You must be careful he doesn"t trick you. Such villains aren"t known for their loyalty. You must be careful he doesn"t trick you. Such villains aren"t known for their loyalty.CALLIMACO: True. But when a man will gain from a deal, and you make certain he knows it, he will serve you loyally. I have promised him a good sum of money if he succeeds. And if he doesn"t, he"ll get a lunch and a dinner out of it: That way at least I won"t have to dine alone. True. But when a man will gain from a deal, and you make certain he knows it, he will serve you loyally. I have promised him a good sum of money if he succeeds. And if he doesn"t, he"ll get a lunch and a dinner out of it: That way at least I won"t have to dine alone.SIRO: What has he promised to do so far? What has he promised to do so far?CALLIMACO: He has promised to talk Messer Nicia into taking his wife to a spa this May. He has promised to talk Messer Nicia into taking his wife to a spa this May.SIRO: What good will that do you? What good will that do you?CALLIMACO: What good? A spa might change her nature. In such places all people do is enjoy themselves, and I"d go there and instigate all the fun I could, missing no occasion for extravagance. I would befriend her, her husband ... You never know. One thing leads to another, and time has a habit of steering things. What good? A spa might change her nature. In such places all people do is enjoy themselves, and I"d go there and instigate all the fun I could, missing no occasion for extravagance. I would befriend her, her husband ... You never know. One thing leads to another, and time has a habit of steering things.SIRO: That"s not a bad scheme. That"s not a bad scheme.CALLIMACO: Ligurio left me this morning saying he"d have a word with Messer Nicia and would let me know. Ligurio left me this morning saying he"d have a word with Messer Nicia and would let me know.SIRO: Ah, I see them coming toward us. Ah, I see them coming toward us.CALLIMACO: I shall step a little to the side so I"ll be in time to talk to Ligurio once he has gotten rid of Messer Nicia. In the meantime, go back inside and continue what you were doing. I"ll let you know if I want you to do something for me. I shall step a little to the side so I"ll be in time to talk to Ligurio once he has gotten rid of Messer Nicia. In the meantime, go back inside and continue what you were doing. I"ll let you know if I want you to do something for me.
SCENE TWO.
Messer Nicia and Ligurio.NICIA: That was very good advice you gave me. I had a word with my wife, and she told me she"d let me know today. But to tell you the truth, I can"t say I"m champing at the bit. That was very good advice you gave me. I had a word with my wife, and she told me she"d let me know today. But to tell you the truth, I can"t say I"m champing at the bit.LIGURIO: You"re not? You"re not?NICIA: Home is home, and I don"t like crawling out of my cave. Not to mention having to drag wife, servants, and cartloads of knickknacks across open fields. That"s not my idea of fun. Also, I spoke to all kinds of doctors yesterday: One tells me to go to San Filippo, another to Porretta, another to Villa. They"re all a bunch of frauds! Those d.a.m.n doctors couldn"t find your gizzard if you dangled it before their eyes. Home is home, and I don"t like crawling out of my cave. Not to mention having to drag wife, servants, and cartloads of knickknacks across open fields. That"s not my idea of fun. Also, I spoke to all kinds of doctors yesterday: One tells me to go to San Filippo, another to Porretta, another to Villa. They"re all a bunch of frauds! Those d.a.m.n doctors couldn"t find your gizzard if you dangled it before their eyes.LIGURIO: It"s the idea of leaving Florence that"s putting you on edge. You"re just not used to losing sight of the great cupola. It"s the idea of leaving Florence that"s putting you on edge. You"re just not used to losing sight of the great cupola.NICIA: You"re wrong there. When I was younger I was a great vagabond. I was always the first to stroll over to Prato whenever they had a fair, and there"s not a castle within walking distance of Florence that I haven"t been to! And I"ll have you know that I"ve often taken a stroll over the hill to Pisa or to Livorno, so there! You"re wrong there. When I was younger I was a great vagabond. I was always the first to stroll over to Prato whenever they had a fair, and there"s not a castle within walking distance of Florence that I haven"t been to! And I"ll have you know that I"ve often taken a stroll over the hill to Pisa or to Livorno, so there!LIGURIO: You must have seen the Gleaming Tower of Pisa. You must have seen the Gleaming Tower of Pisa.NICIA: You mean the Leaning Tower? You mean the Leaning Tower?LIGURIO: Oh, yes, the one that leans. And did you manage to see the sea at Livorno? Oh, yes, the one that leans. And did you manage to see the sea at Livorno?NICIA: Of course I did. Of course I did.LIGURIO: How much bigger than our Arno River is it? How much bigger than our Arno River is it?NICIA: How much bigger? Four times bigger! Maybe even six, maybe seven times. You wouldn"t believe it, but all you see is water, water, water! How much bigger? Four times bigger! Maybe even six, maybe seven times. You wouldn"t believe it, but all you see is water, water, water!LIGURIO: I"m surprised that having sown your seed in every corner of the earth you would make such a hullabaloo about going to one of the spas just outside town. I"m surprised that having sown your seed in every corner of the earth you would make such a hullabaloo about going to one of the spas just outside town.NICIA: What a milksop you are! Do you think it"s a trifle to pack up a whole house? But I"m so eager to have children that I"m ready to do anything. Go have a talk with those doctors and see which of the spas that they suggest would be best for me to go to. I"ll be with my wife in the meantime. I will see you later. What a milksop you are! Do you think it"s a trifle to pack up a whole house? But I"m so eager to have children that I"m ready to do anything. Go have a talk with those doctors and see which of the spas that they suggest would be best for me to go to. I"ll be with my wife in the meantime. I will see you later.LIGURIO: That is a good idea. That is a good idea.
SCENE THREE.
Ligurio and Callimaco.LIGURIO [aside]: [aside]: I cannot believe you"ll find a more foolish man in all the world! And yet how Fortune has favored him: He is rich, and he has a beautiful wife who is wise, has every grace, and is fit to rule a kingdom. People say about marriage, "Like meets like," but if you ask me, that is rarely the case. You often see a man of substance married to a beast of a woman, or a wise woman on the arm of a fool. But Callimaco has something to hope for from this man"s foolishness. [ I cannot believe you"ll find a more foolish man in all the world! And yet how Fortune has favored him: He is rich, and he has a beautiful wife who is wise, has every grace, and is fit to rule a kingdom. People say about marriage, "Like meets like," but if you ask me, that is rarely the case. You often see a man of substance married to a beast of a woman, or a wise woman on the arm of a fool. But Callimaco has something to hope for from this man"s foolishness. [Enter Callimaco] Ah, there he is. h.e.l.lo, have you been lingering in the shadows?CALLIMACO: I saw you with Messer Nicia and was waiting for you to get rid of him so you can tell me what you"ve accomplished. I saw you with Messer Nicia and was waiting for you to get rid of him so you can tell me what you"ve accomplished.LIGURIO: You know what kind of man he is: of very little wisdom and even less spirit. He resists leaving Florence, but I"ve warmed him up to the idea, and he has finally agreed to everything. I believe he will follow our lead should we decide on that plan. Only I"m not sure we can reach our goal that way. You know what kind of man he is: of very little wisdom and even less spirit. He resists leaving Florence, but I"ve warmed him up to the idea, and he has finally agreed to everything. I believe he will follow our lead should we decide on that plan. Only I"m not sure we can reach our goal that way.CALLIMACO: Why not? Why not?LIGURIO: Well, you know all kinds of people go to those spas, and some man might show up who will find Madonna Lucrezia as appealing as you do, a man richer than you and of a more pleasing countenance, so that you run the risk of exerting yourself only for the benefit of others; or else the large number of compet.i.tors will make her more reticent, or once you have overcome her reticence, she will favor someone else, not you. Well, you know all kinds of people go to those spas, and some man might show up who will find Madonna Lucrezia as appealing as you do, a man richer than you and of a more pleasing countenance, so that you run the risk of exerting yourself only for the benefit of others; or else the large number of compet.i.tors will make her more reticent, or once you have overcome her reticence, she will favor someone else, not you.CALLIMACO: I know what you are saying is true. But what can I do? What path can I choose? Where can I turn? I must try something, be it momentous, be it dangerous, harmful, underhanded! It is better to die than to live like this. If I could sleep at night, if I could eat, if I could converse, if I could take pleasure in anything at all, I would be more patient and wait for the right moment. But there is no remedy, and if I cannot be kept in hope by some scheme, I shall die! Hence, if I am bound to die, I don"t see why I should be afraid of anything! I"m even ready to throw myself into a scheme that is wild, cruel, abominable! I know what you are saying is true. But what can I do? What path can I choose? Where can I turn? I must try something, be it momentous, be it dangerous, harmful, underhanded! It is better to die than to live like this. If I could sleep at night, if I could eat, if I could converse, if I could take pleasure in anything at all, I would be more patient and wait for the right moment. But there is no remedy, and if I cannot be kept in hope by some scheme, I shall die! Hence, if I am bound to die, I don"t see why I should be afraid of anything! I"m even ready to throw myself into a scheme that is wild, cruel, abominable!LIGURIO: Don"t say such things! Restrain such impulses! Don"t say such things! Restrain such impulses!CALLIMACO: You know well enough that it is in order to restrain these impulses that I am entertaining such thoughts. Therefore we must either pursue sending him to a spa, or set out on some other path that will give me hope-some false hope at least-so that I can sustain a thought that will at least help a.s.suage my suffering. You know well enough that it is in order to restrain these impulses that I am entertaining such thoughts. Therefore we must either pursue sending him to a spa, or set out on some other path that will give me hope-some false hope at least-so that I can sustain a thought that will at least help a.s.suage my suffering.LIGURIO: You"re right, and I"ll be the one to help you. You"re right, and I"ll be the one to help you.CALLIMACO: I believe you will, even though I know you make a profession of duping people. Anyway, I don"t believe that I will be one of your dupes, because if you try to hoodwink me I will take revenge, and you will lose the use of my house and any hope of getting all that I have promised you. I believe you will, even though I know you make a profession of duping people. Anyway, I don"t believe that I will be one of your dupes, because if you try to hoodwink me I will take revenge, and you will lose the use of my house and any hope of getting all that I have promised you.LIGURIO: You mustn"t doubt my loyalty: Even if there were not the profit you mentioned, and which I am hoping for, I feel that your temperament mirrors mine, and I am quite as eager for you to fulfill your desire as you are yourself. But let us leave all that aside. Messer Nicia has commissioned me to find a doctor to see which spa would be best for him to go to. What I suggest is this: You will tell him that you have studied medicine, and that you have had ample experience in Paris. It will be easy to convince him, fool that he is, and as you are a man of letters, you will be able to spout a few words of Latin at him. You mustn"t doubt my loyalty: Even if there were not the profit you mentioned, and which I am hoping for, I feel that your temperament mirrors mine, and I am quite as eager for you to fulfill your desire as you are yourself. But let us leave all that aside. Messer Nicia has commissioned me to find a doctor to see which spa would be best for him to go to. What I suggest is this: You will tell him that you have studied medicine, and that you have had ample experience in Paris. It will be easy to convince him, fool that he is, and as you are a man of letters, you will be able to spout a few words of Latin at him.CALLIMACO: Where will that get us? Where will that get us?LIGURIO: It will get him to the spa that we choose, and will help me put into effect another scheme I"ve thought up, one that will be quicker, more certain, and quite possibly more successful than the spa. It will get him to the spa that we choose, and will help me put into effect another scheme I"ve thought up, one that will be quicker, more certain, and quite possibly more successful than the spa.CALLIMACO: What do you mean? What do you mean?LIGURIO: What I mean is that if you have courage and put your trust in me, by this time tomorrow I shall present you with a fait accompli. Then, even if Messer Nicia were a clever enough man-which he isn"t-to realize that you are not really a doctor, our fast action will ensure either that he will not have time to weigh the matter, or, if he does, that he won"t have time to interfere with our plan. What I mean is that if you have courage and put your trust in me, by this time tomorrow I shall present you with a fait accompli. Then, even if Messer Nicia were a clever enough man-which he isn"t-to realize that you are not really a doctor, our fast action will ensure either that he will not have time to weigh the matter, or, if he does, that he won"t have time to interfere with our plan.CALLIMACO: Your words fill me with life! This is too great a promise, and gives me too great a hope. How do you intend to do it? Your words fill me with life! This is too great a promise, and gives me too great a hope. How do you intend to do it?LIGURIO: You will find out when the time is ripe. For now there is no need for me to tell you, for we barely have time to put things into action, let alone discuss them. Go back home and wait for me there. I shall go find Messer Nicia. If I bring him to you, I want you to follow my lead and play along with anything I say. You will find out when the time is ripe. For now there is no need for me to tell you, for we barely have time to put things into action, let alone discuss them. Go back home and wait for me there. I shall go find Messer Nicia. If I bring him to you, I want you to follow my lead and play along with anything I say.CALLIMACO: I will do it, even though you"re filling me with hopes that I fear might end up drifting away like smoke. I will do it, even though you"re filling me with hopes that I fear might end up drifting away like smoke.
ACT II II.
SCENE ONE.
Ligurio, Messer Nicia, and SiroLIGURIO: As I have told you, I believe G.o.d has sent us this doctor so you can fulfill your desire! He has had endless experience in Paris, and you mustn"t wonder at his not practicing here in Florence: First of all, he is rich, and second, he"s planning to return to Paris any day now. As I have told you, I believe G.o.d has sent us this doctor so you can fulfill your desire! He has had endless experience in Paris, and you mustn"t wonder at his not practicing here in Florence: First of all, he is rich, and second, he"s planning to return to Paris any day now.NICIA: He"s planning to return to Paris? I don"t want him to get me all tied up in a tangle and leave me dangling! He"s planning to return to Paris? I don"t want him to get me all tied up in a tangle and leave me dangling!LIGURIO: Don"t worry about that. What we need to worry about is whether he will agree to take you on. If he does, he will see you all the way through. Don"t worry about that. What we need to worry about is whether he will agree to take you on. If he does, he will see you all the way through.NICIA: As far as that goes, I shall place myself in your hands; but as for his medical knowledge, I"ll tell you after I"ve spoken to him whether he"s a man of learning or a charlatan quack. As far as that goes, I shall place myself in your hands; but as for his medical knowledge, I"ll tell you after I"ve spoken to him whether he"s a man of learning or a charlatan quack.LIGURIO: It is because I know you well that I"m taking you to him so you can talk to him. And if his presence, learning, and discourse do not strike you as those of a man in whose lap you could lay your head, then you may say that I am not I, but someone else entirely! It is because I know you well that I"m taking you to him so you can talk to him. And if his presence, learning, and discourse do not strike you as those of a man in whose lap you could lay your head, then you may say that I am not I, but someone else entirely!NICIA: So be it, by the Archangel in Heaven! Let"s go. But where are his lodgings? So be it, by the Archangel in Heaven! Let"s go. But where are his lodgings?LIGURIO: He lives on this square. That"s his door, the one right in front of us. He lives on this square. That"s his door, the one right in front of us.NICIA: I pray that all this comes to some good! You knock. I pray that all this comes to some good! You knock.LIGURIO: Here I go. Here I go.SIRO: Who"s there? Who"s there?LIGURIO: Is Callimaco home? Is Callimaco home?SIRO: Yes, he is. Yes, he is.NICIA: How is it that you don"t ask for How is it that you don"t ask for Doctor Doctor Callimaco? Callimaco?LIGURIO: He does not care for such trifles. He does not care for such trifles.NICIA: Still, you must address him correctly, and if he doesn"t like it he can drop his pants and you know what. Still, you must address him correctly, and if he doesn"t like it he can drop his pants and you know what.
SCENE TWO.
Callimaco, Messer Nicia, and Ligurio.CALLIMACO: Who is asking for me? Who is asking for me?NICIA: Bona dies, domine magister Bona dies, domine magister.CALLIMACO: Et vobis bona, domine Et vobis bona, domine2LIGURIO [ [aside to Nicia]: What do you think?NICIA [aside to Ligurio]: [aside to Ligurio]: First-rate, by the Holy Gospels! First-rate, by the Holy Gospels!LIGURIO: But if you want me to stay, you"d better drop the Latin and speak so I can understand too, otherwise we"ll be stoking two fires to spit a single roast. But if you want me to stay, you"d better drop the Latin and speak so I can understand too, otherwise we"ll be stoking two fires to spit a single roast.CALLIMACO: How may I be of service? How may I be of service?NICIA: It"s a long story. I suppose I"m looking for the two things from which another man might run as from a burning house. It"s trouble I"m looking for, both for myself and for others. In short, I have no brats but want some. So you could say I"ve come to trouble you to make some trouble for myself. It"s a long story. I suppose I"m looking for the two things from which another man might run as from a burning house. It"s trouble I"m looking for, both for myself and for others. In short, I have no brats but want some. So you could say I"ve come to trouble you to make some trouble for myself.CALLIMACO: Being of service to you or any gentleman of quality and standing like yourself can hardly be considered trouble. The only reason I toiled away in Paris all those many years, studying so hard, was to be of service to gentlemen like yourself. Being of service to you or any gentleman of quality and standing like yourself can hardly be considered trouble. The only reason I toiled away in Paris all those many years, studying so hard, was to be of service to gentlemen like yourself.NICIA: I thank you most prodigiously. And should you ever need my legal services, I will be most happy to oblige. But I thank you most prodigiously. And should you ever need my legal services, I will be most happy to oblige. But ad rem nostram ad rem nostram3 Have you given thought to which spa I should take my wife to so that she might conceive? I know Ligurio has spoken to you on this matter. Have you given thought to which spa I should take my wife to so that she might conceive? I know Ligurio has spoken to you on this matter.CALLIMACO: Yes, he has. But in order for you to fulfill your desire we must find the cause of your wife"s sterility. You see, there can be many reasons: Yes, he has. But in order for you to fulfill your desire we must find the cause of your wife"s sterility. You see, there can be many reasons: nam cause sterilitatis sunt: aut in semine, aut in matrice, aut in instrumentis seminariis, aut in virga, aut in causa extrinseca nam cause sterilitatis sunt: aut in semine, aut in matrice, aut in instrumentis seminariis, aut in virga, aut in causa extrinseca4NICIA [aside]: [aside]: We could not have found a worthier doctor! We could not have found a worthier doctor!CALLIMACO: Then again, if you are impotent, you yourself could be the cause of the sterility. If that is the case, then I can offer no cure. Then again, if you are impotent, you yourself could be the cause of the sterility. If that is the case, then I can offer no cure.NICIA: Me, impotent? You make me laugh! You will not find a more stalwart and virile man than myself in all of Florence! Me, impotent? You make me laugh! You will not find a more stalwart and virile man than myself in all of Florence!CALLIMACO: If that is so, then I can a.s.sure you we shall find a cure. If that is so, then I can a.s.sure you we shall find a cure.NICIA: Might there not be another remedy than the spa? You see, I"m not too happy about the inconvenience of going there, and my wife is not too happy about leaving Florence. Might there not be another remedy than the spa? You see, I"m not too happy about the inconvenience of going there, and my wife is not too happy about leaving Florence.LIGURIO: There is another remedy, if I may be so bold-the doctor is circ.u.mspect to a fault, so I shall permit myself to speak on his behalf. [ There is another remedy, if I may be so bold-the doctor is circ.u.mspect to a fault, so I shall permit myself to speak on his behalf. [To Callimaco] Did you not mention that you can concoct a certain potion that unfailingly leads to pregnancy?CALLIMACO: Yes, I did. But I am usually reticent about mentioning that among people I do not know well, as I would not want them to think me a quack. Yes, I did. But I am usually reticent about mentioning that among people I do not know well, as I would not want them to think me a quack.NICIA: Do not worry about me! You have already amazed me with the extent of your learning: there"s nothing I would not believe or do at your bidding. Do not worry about me! You have already amazed me with the extent of your learning: there"s nothing I would not believe or do at your bidding.LIGURIO [to Callimaco]: [to Callimaco]: I believe you need to see a specimen from Madonna Lucrezia. I believe you need to see a specimen from Madonna Lucrezia.CALLIMACO: Yes, definitely, I must see a specimen! Yes, definitely, I must see a specimen!LIGURIO [aside to Callimaco]: [aside to Callimaco]: Call Siro and have him accompany Nicia to his house to get a specimen and bring it here. We"ll wait inside. Call Siro and have him accompany Nicia to his house to get a specimen and bring it here. We"ll wait inside.CALLIMACO [calling into the house]: [calling into the house]: Siro, I want you to accompany that gentleman. [ Siro, I want you to accompany that gentleman. [To Nicia] And if it please you, Messer Nicia, I would be grateful if you would come back here as soon as possible, so that we might initiate matters.NICIA: If it please me? I shall be back in a flash! I have more faith in you than a wild Hungarian has in his spade. [ If it please me? I shall be back in a flash! I have more faith in you than a wild Hungarian has in his spade. [Callimaco and Ligurio go back into the house]
SCENE THREE.
Messer Nicia and Siro.NICIA: This master of yours is a very capable man. This master of yours is a very capable man.SIRO: More than you imagine. More than you imagine.NICIA: The King of France must regard him highly. The King of France must regard him highly.SIRO: Very highly. Very highly.NICIA: That is why I suppose he wants to live in France. That is why I suppose he wants to live in France.SIRO: I believe so. I believe so.NICIA: He does well to want to stay there. This place is full of bricks.h.i.tters with no appreciation for a man"s skill and accomplishment. If he stayed here, there wouldn"t be a man who"d look him in the eye. You wouldn"t believe what I had to go through: I had to s.h.i.t my guts out to learn a word or two of Latin, and if I had to earn my living off that, I"d be out in the cold, let me tell you! He does well to want to stay there. This place is full of bricks.h.i.tters with no appreciation for a man"s skill and accomplishment. If he stayed here, there wouldn"t be a man who"d look him in the eye. You wouldn"t believe what I had to go through: I had to s.h.i.t my guts out to learn a word or two of Latin, and if I had to earn my living off that, I"d be out in the cold, let me tell you!SIRO: Surely you earn at least a hundred ducats a year? Surely you earn at least a hundred ducats a year?NICIA: Not even a hundred lire, or a hundred Not even a hundred lire, or a hundred grossi grossi, I"ll have you know! And the reason is that here in Florence, if you"re not in with the ruling party and don"t have good connections, you can"t even get a dog to bark at you. All you can do is lounge about at funerals and weddings and loaf all day on a bench on the Via del Proconsolo. But I don"t give a d.a.m.n! See if I care! And that goes for those worse off than me, too! But don"t repeat any of this, as I don"t want to end up being slapped with a fine or having a leek shoved up my a.s.s.SIRO: I won"t say a word. I won"t say a word.NICIA: Here we are, this is my house. Wait for me here, I"ll be right back. Here we are, this is my house. Wait for me here, I"ll be right back.SIRO: Go ahead. Go ahead.
SCENE FOUR.
Siro alone.SIRO: If all learned men were like him, we"d all be tipping rocks into our stoves. If all learned men were like him, we"d all be tipping rocks into our stoves.5 One thing that"s certain is that that crook Ligurio and my besotted master will lead Messer Nicia to shame. And that"s fine by me, as long as word doesn"t get around, because if it does my life will be in danger, not to mention the danger to my master"s life and property. He"s suddenly turned himself into a doctor: I don"t know what plan they"re hatching and where their deception is heading. But here comes Messer Nicia with a chamber pot! How can anyone help laughing at such a dupe? One thing that"s certain is that that crook Ligurio and my besotted master will lead Messer Nicia to shame. And that"s fine by me, as long as word doesn"t get around, because if it does my life will be in danger, not to mention the danger to my master"s life and property. He"s suddenly turned himself into a doctor: I don"t know what plan they"re hatching and where their deception is heading. But here comes Messer Nicia with a chamber pot! How can anyone help laughing at such a dupe?
SCENE FIVE.
Messer Nicia and Siro.NICIA [ [talking through the door to Lucrezia]: I"ve always done things your way, but this time I want you to do things my way. If I"d believed I wasn"t going to have children, I"d rather have taken a peasant wench than you! [To Siro, handing him the chamber pot] Here you are, Siro. Follow me. You wouldn"t believe what I went through to squeeze this d.a.m.n sample out of that wife of mine! I"m not saying she"s not eager to have children-she grieves about it even more than I do-but the moment I want to do something about it, that"s another story.SIRO: A little patience should do the trick. "Whisper a woman a sweet word or two, and she"ll be happy enough to follow you." A little patience should do the trick. "Whisper a woman a sweet word or two, and she"ll be happy enough to follow you."NICIA: A sweet word or two after she"s rattled me to the bone? Hurry and tell the doctor and Ligurio that I"ve arrived. A sweet word or two after she"s rattled me to the bone? Hurry and tell the doctor and Ligurio that I"ve arrived.SIRO: Here they are: They"re coming out. Here they are: They"re coming out.
SCENE SIX.
Ligurio, Callimaco, Messer Nicia, and Siro.LIGURIO [aside to Callimaco]: [aside to Callimaco]: Messer Nicia will be easy enough to sway-the hard part will be convincing his wife. But there"s no lack of means. Messer Nicia will be easy enough to sway-the hard part will be convincing his wife. But there"s no lack of means.CALLIMACO [to Messer Nicia]: [to Messer Nicia]: Do you have the sample? Do you have the sample?NICIA: Siro has it there, covered up. Siro has it there, covered up.CALLIMACO [to Siro]: [to Siro]: May I have it? [ May I have it? [He examines the sample] Aha, this sample reveals a weakness of the kidneys.NICIA: It does seem a little cloudy, though she produced it only a few minutes ago. It does seem a little cloudy, though she produced it only a few minutes ago.CALLIMACO: You must not be surprised. You must not be surprised. Nam mulieris urine sunt semper Nam mulieris urine sunt semper maioris grossitiei et albedinis, et minoris pulchritudinis, quam virorum. Huius autem, inter caetera, causa est amplitudo ca.n.a.lium, mixtio eorum quae ex matrice exeunt c.u.m urinis. maioris grossitiei et albedinis, et minoris pulchritudinis, quam virorum. Huius autem, inter caetera, causa est amplitudo ca.n.a.lium, mixtio eorum quae ex matrice exeunt c.u.m urinis.6NICIA [aside]: [aside]: By Saint Puccio"s p.u.s.s.y! That man is so refined he could trickle through your clenched fist! How wonderfully he explains things! By Saint Puccio"s p.u.s.s.y! That man is so refined he could trickle through your clenched fist! How wonderfully he explains things!CALLIMACO: I fear she might be lying exposed at night, hence the impurity of her urine. I fear she might be lying exposed at night, hence the impurity of her urine.NICIA: She"s got an excellent blanket, but insists on kneeling by the bed for hours at a time every night, rattling off the Lord"s Prayer over and over before she climbs in. That woman can outlast the st.u.r.diest heifer in the cold. She"s got an excellent blanket, but insists on kneeling by the bed for hours at a time every night, rattling off the Lord"s Prayer over and over before she climbs in. That woman can outlast the st.u.r.diest heifer in the cold.CALLIMACO: Well, Messer Nicia, the question is whether you have faith in me or not, and whether I shall offer you a certain remedy-or not. I do have a remedy to offer you, and if you believe in me, you can have it. And if within a year from today your wife is not cradling her very own child in her arms, I shall give you two thousand ducats. Well, Messer Nicia, the question is whether you have faith in me or not, and whether I shall offer you a certain remedy-or not. I do have a remedy to offer you, and if you believe in me, you can have it. And if within a year from today your wife is not cradling her very own child in her arms, I shall give you two thousand ducats.NICIA: Your word is my command! I shall follow you blindly and trust you more than my father confessor. Your word is my command! I shall follow you blindly and trust you more than my father confessor.CALLIMACO: It is a fact that nothing is more certain to make a woman conceive than to give her a potion made from mandrake. I have tried it out half a dozen times, and have found it to work every time. If it wasn"t for this potion, the queen of France would be barren, as would countless other French princesses. It is a fact that nothing is more certain to make a woman conceive than to give her a potion made from mandrake. I have tried it out half a dozen times, and have found it to work every time. If it wasn"t for this potion, the queen of France would be barren, as would countless other French princesses.NICIA: Can that be? Can that be?CALLIMACO: It is just as I say. Fortune has smiled upon you, for I have brought with me all the ingredients that go into the potion, so you can have it at your pleasure. It is just as I say. Fortune has smiled upon you, for I have brought with me all the ingredients that go into the potion, so you can have it at your pleasure.NICIA: When would she have to take it? When would she have to take it?CALLIMACO: This evening after dinner. The moon is favorably positioned, and the time could not be more propitious. This evening after dinner. The moon is favorably positioned, and the time could not be more propitious.NICIA: There is no problem, then. You mix it and I"ll get her to drink it. There is no problem, then. You mix it and I"ll get her to drink it.CALLIMACO: There is one thing you need to be cognizant of, however: The first man to have intimate relations with her after she has drunk the potion will die within eight days. Nothing in the world can save him. There is one thing you need to be cognizant of, however: The first man to have intimate relations with her after she has drunk the potion will die within eight days. Nothing in the world can save him.NICIA: Well, I"ll s.h.i.t my guts out! In that case I want nothing to do with that nasty pigs will! You"re trying to put one over on me! Well, I"ll s.h.i.t my guts out! In that case I want nothing to do with that nasty pigs will! You"re trying to put one over on me!CALLIMACO: Calm yourself, there is a remedy. Calm yourself, there is a remedy.NICIA: What remedy? What remedy?CALLIMACO: You must have another man sleep with her for one night, drawing all the mandrake"s poison out of her. Then you can lie with her without putting yourself in peril. You must have another man sleep with her for one night, drawing all the mandrake"s poison out of her. Then you can lie with her without putting yourself in peril.NICIA: I will have nothing to do with this! I will have nothing to do with this!CALLIMACO: Why not? Why not?NICIA: I"m not going to turn my wife into a wh.o.r.e and me into a cuckold! I"m not going to turn my wife into a wh.o.r.e and me into a cuckold!CALLIMACO: My dear Messer Nicia, I took you for a wiser man. What can I say if you hesitate to do what the King of France and so many gentlemen there have done? My dear Messer Nicia, I took you for a wiser man. What can I say if you hesitate to do what the King of France and so many gentlemen there have done?NICIA: Who can you find who would take part in such a harebrained scheme? If I tell the man he will die within a week, he won"t want to do it, and if I don"t tell him, I"ll be breaking the law, and I"ll end up being dragged before the High Council of Justice. It"ll be my neck in the noose! Who can you find who would take part in such a harebrained scheme? If I tell the man he will die within a week, he won"t want to do it, and if I don"t tell him, I"ll be breaking the law, and I"ll end up being dragged before the High Council of Justice. It"ll be my neck in the noose!CALLIMACO: If that is all that is worrying you, leave it to me. If that is all that is worrying you, leave it to me.NICIA: What will you do? What will you do?CALLIMACO: I"ll tell you: I shall hand you the potion this evening after dinner. You will have you wife drink it and then have her immediately go to bed. That should be around nine o"clock. Then you, Ligurio, Siro, and I shall disguise ourselves and scour the New Market and the Old Market, and we will gag the first young fellow we come across strolling about and march him back to your house and into your bedchamber in the dark. There we"ll put him in the bed and tell him what he has to do-I doubt he"ll cause any problems. In the morning you"ll send him off before dawn, have your wife washed, and then you can lie with her at your leisure without any danger at all. I"ll tell you: I shall hand you the potion this evening after dinner. You will have you wife drink it and then have her immediately go to bed. That should be around nine o"clock. Then you, Ligurio, Siro, and I shall disguise ourselves and scour the New Market and the Old Market, and we will gag the first young fellow we come across strolling about and march him back to your house and into your bedchamber in the dark. There we"ll put him in the bed and tell him what he has to do-I doubt he"ll cause any problems. In the morning you"ll send him off before dawn, have your wife washed, and then you can lie with her at your leisure without any danger at all.NICIA: I like the idea, since you tell me that princes and gentlemen have followed that path. But above all, word must not leak out, for the love of the High Council of Justice! I like the idea, since you tell me that princes and gentlemen have followed that path. But above all, word must not leak out, for the love of the High Council of Justice!CALLIMACO: Who would say a word? Who would say a word?NICIA: There"s only one hurdle left, a considerable one. There"s only one hurdle left, a considerable one.CALLIMACO: What hurdle? What hurdle?NICIA: Getting my good lady to play along-I don"t think she"d ever agree. Getting my good lady to play along-I don"t think she"d ever agree.CALLIMACO: I can see that is a problem. I just don"t know how one can marry a woman before one tames her to do as one bids. I can see that is a problem. I just don"t know how one can marry a woman before one tames her to do as one bids.LIGURIO: I have a solution. I have a solution.NICIA: You do? You do?LIGURIO: Her confessor. Her confessor.CALLIMACO: And who is going to sway her confessor-you? And who is going to sway her confessor-you?LIGURIO: I, money, our roguery-and that of the confessor. I, money, our roguery-and that of the confessor.NICIA: I"m worried that she"ll dig in her heels about going to her confessor if I command her to go see him. I"m worried that she"ll dig in her heels about going to her confessor if I command her to go see him.LIGURIO: There"s a solution for that too. There"s a solution for that too.CALLIMACO: Yes? Yes?LIGURIO: We can have her mother take her. We can have her mother take her.NICIA: Yes, yes, she trusts her! Yes, yes, she trusts her!LIGURIO: And I know for a fact that her mother sees things as we do. Off we go! Time is not on our side. Callimaco, you go on a walk, and make sure we"ll find you at home with the potion ready by four. Messer Nicia and I shall go to her mother"s house and prepare her, as I know her well. Then we will go to the friar, at which point we will inform you of what we"ve achieved. And I know for a fact that her mother sees things as we do. Off we go! Time is not on our side. Callimaco, you go on a walk, and make sure we"ll find you at home with the potion ready by four. Messer Nicia and I shall go to her mother"s house and prepare her, as I know her well. Then we will go to the friar, at which point we will inform you of what we"ve achieved.CALLIMACO [aside to Ligurio]: [aside to Ligurio]: I say, you"re not leaving me alone, are you? I say, you"re not leaving me alone, are you?LIGURIO [aside to Callimaco]: [aside to Callimaco]: You look as if you"re at the end of your tether! You look as if you"re at the end of your tether!CALLIMACO [aside to Ligurio]: [aside to Ligurio]: Where am I supposed to go now? Where am I supposed to go now?LIGURIO [aside to Callimaco]: [aside to Callimaco]: Here, there, along that street, along the other: Florence is a big city. Here, there, along that street, along the other: Florence is a big city.CALLIMACO [in a low voice]: [in a low voice]: I"m at my wits" end. I"m at my wits" end.2. Latin: "Good day, Doctor." "And to you, Sir." Latin: "Good day, Doctor." "And to you, Sir."3. Latin: "To the matter at hand." Latin: "To the matter at hand."4. Latin: "For the causes of sterility are: either in the seed, or in the uterus, or in the t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es, or in the p.e.n.i.s, or in some extrinsic cause." Latin: "For the causes of sterility are: either in the seed, or in the uterus, or in the t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es, or in the p.e.n.i.s, or in some extrinsic cause."5. Machiavelli"s creativity in creating colorful idioms in Machiavelli"s creativity in creating colorful idioms in The Mandrake The Mandrake had baffled Francesco Guicciardini, who asked for an explanation of some of the expressions. In a letter from October 1525, Machiavelli explains that "if we were all like Messer Nicia, we would be tipping rocks into our stoves, in other words doing things that only a madman would do." had baffled Francesco Guicciardini, who asked for an explanation of some of the expressions. In a letter from October 1525, Machiavelli explains that "if we were all like Messer Nicia, we would be tipping rocks into our stoves, in other words doing things that only a madman would do."6. Latin: "For a woman"s urine is always of greater thickness and whiteness, and of lesser beauty, than a man"s. This is because, among other things, of the width of the ca.n.a.l and the mixture of matters that flow out of the matrix with the urine." Latin: "For a woman"s urine is always of greater thickness and whiteness, and of lesser beauty, than a man"s. This is because, among other things, of the width of the ca.n.a.l and the mixture of matters that flow out of the matrix with the urine."
ACT III III.
SCENE ONE.
Sostrata, Messer Nicia, and Ligurio.SOSTRATA: People always say that a wise man must choose the lesser of two evils. If this is the only solution for having children, you must take it, so long as it does not weigh too heavily on your conscience. People always say that a wise man must choose the lesser of two evils. If this is the only solution for having children, you must take it, so long as it does not weigh too heavily on your conscience.NICIA: I agree with you. I agree with you.LIGURIO: If you go get your daughter, Messer Nicia and I shall go find her confessor, Friar Timoteo, so we can inform him of the matter. That way you won"t have to tell him yourself. Let"s see what he"ll say. If you go get your daughter, Messer Nicia and I shall go find her confessor, Friar Timoteo, so we can inform him of the matter. That way you won"t have to tell him yourself. Let"s see what he"ll say.SOSTRATA: That should work. You go that way, and I shall go find Lucrezia and see to it that she speaks to the friar. That should work. You go that way, and I shall go find Lucrezia and see to it that she speaks to the friar.
SCENE TWO.
Messer Nicia and Ligurio.NICIA: I suppose, Ligurio, you"re taken aback that we"ve had to go through all that folderol to get my wife to see her confessor. But if you knew the half of it, you wouldn"t be the least bit surprised. I suppose, Ligurio, you"re taken aback that we"ve had to go through all that folderol to get my wife to see her confessor. But if you knew the half of it, you wouldn"t be the least bit surprised.LIGURIO: I suppose it"s because all women have suspicious minds. NICIA: No, no, that"s not it. She was the sweetest woman in the world and the most pliable. But then one of the neighborhood wives told her that if she made a solemn vow to go forty times in a row to matins at the Friars of the Servites, she would conceive. She went for twenty mornings or so, and then, wouldn"t you know, one of those d.a.m.n friars crept up behind her, after which she refused to go. It"s terrible that those who ought to be setting us a good example are of that ilk. Isn"t that true? I suppose it"s because all women have suspicious minds. NICIA: No, no, that"s not it. She was the sweetest woman in the world and the most pliable. But then one of the neighborhood wives told her that if she made a solemn vow to go forty times in a row to matins at the Friars of the Servites, she would conceive. She went for twenty mornings or so, and then, wouldn"t you know, one of those d.a.m.n friars crept up behind her, after which she refused to go. It"s terrible that those who ought to be setting us a good example are of that ilk. Isn"t that true?LIGURIO: The devil if it isn"t! The devil if it isn"t!NICIA: Ever since that day she"s been as jumpy as a hare. And the moment you tell her something, she rattles off a thousand objections. Ever since that day she"s been as jumpy as a hare. And the moment you tell her something, she rattles off a thousand objections.LIGURIO: I"m not surprised. But what about her solemn vow to attend the forty matins in a row? I"m not surprised. But what about her solemn vow to attend the forty matins in a row?NICIA: We purchased a dispensation. We purchased a dispensation.LIGURIO: That"s good. But give me twenty-five ducats, if you happen to have them on you. It"s the amount one needs in a case like ours if one wants to befriend a friar quickly and with ease, as long as one can convince him there"s more to come. That"s good. But give me twenty-five ducats, if you happen to have them on you. It"s the amount one needs in a case like ours if one wants to befriend a friar quickly and with ease, as long as one can convince him there"s more to come.NICIA: Here, take them, I don"t mind, I"ll find a way to cut back elsewhere. Here, take them, I don"t mind, I"ll find a way to cut back elsewhere.LIGURIO: These friars are cunning and shrewd, which is to be expected, since they know our sins as well as their own. Anyone who isn"t accustomed to their ways is easily hoodwinked, and quickly finds he"s getting nowhere with them. But we don"t want you to start talking and ruining everything, because a man like you who spends all day in his study might know his way around books, but is not wise in the ways of the world. [ These friars are cunning and shrewd, which is to be expected, since they know our sins as well as their own. Anyone who isn"t accustomed to their ways is easily hoodwinked, and quickly finds he"s getting nowhere with them. But we don"t want you to start talking and ruining everything, because a man like you who spends all day in his study might know his way around books, but is not wise in the ways of the world. [Aside] This man is such a fool that I"m afraid he"ll ruin everything.NICIA: Tell me what you want me to do. Tell me what you want me to do.LIGURIO: Let me do the talking, and don"t say a word unless I give you a sign. Let me do the talking, and don"t say a word unless I give you a sign.NICIA: That"s fine by me. What sign? That"s fine by me. What sign?LIGURIO: I shall close one eye and bite my lip ... No, no, we"ll do it differently. How long has it been since you last spoke to the friar? I shall close one eye and bite my lip ... No, no, we"ll do it differently. How long has it been since you last spoke to the friar?NICIA: More than ten years now. More than ten years now.LIGURIO: That"s good, I"ll tell him you"ve gone deaf. And don"t answer or say a thing unless we talk loudly to you. That"s good, I"ll tell him you"ve gone deaf. And don"t answer or say a thing unless we talk loudly to you.NICIA: Agreed. Agreed.LIGURIO: You must also not be alarmed if I say something that doesn"t tally with anything, because, as you will see, in the end everything will turn out the way we want. You must also not be alarmed if I say something that doesn"t tally with anything, because, as you will see, in the end everything will turn out the way we want.NICIA: Well, good luck to us. Well, good luck to us.LIGURIO: Ah, I see the friar talking to a woman. Let"s wait till he gets rid of her. Ah, I see the friar talking to a woman. Let"s wait till he gets rid of her.
SCENE THREE.
Friar Timoteo and a woman.FRIAR: If you"d like to confess, I will be pleased to oblige. If you"d like to confess, I will be pleased to oblige.WOMAN: Not today, thank you. I"m expected, and just wanted to pop by to get a few things quickly off my chest. Have you said those Ma.s.ses for Our Lady? Not today, thank you. I"m expected, and just wanted to pop by to get a few things quickly off my chest. Have you said those Ma.s.ses for Our Lady?FRIAR: I have. I have.WOMAN: Here"s a florin for you to say a requiem for my dead husband"s soul every Monday for the next two months. He was a rough brute of a man, but my flesh is weak and I can"t help feeling all aflutter whenever I think of him. Do you believe he"s in Purgatory? Here"s a florin for you to say a requiem for my dead husband"s soul every Monday for the next two months. He was a rough brute of a man, but my flesh is weak and I can"t help feeling all aflutter whenever I think of him. Do you believe he"s in Purgatory?FRIAR: He definitely is. He definitely is.WOMAN: I am not so sure myself. You remember what he used to do to me from time to time. Oh, how often I came running to you about that! I used to try and get away from him, but he always managed to corner me! Ah, G.o.d in Heaven! I am not so sure myself. You remember what he used to do to me from time to time. Oh, how often I came running to you about that! I used to try and get away from him, but he always managed to corner me! Ah, G.o.d in Heaven!FRIAR: Have no fear, the Lord"s mercy is boundless. As long as man has the desire to repent, there is always ample time to do so. Have no fear, the Lord"s mercy is boundless. As long as man has the desire to repent, there is always ample time to do so.WOMAN: Speaking of which, do you think the Turks will invade Italy this year? Speaking of which, do you think the Turks will invade Italy this year?FRIAR: They will if you do not say your prayers! They will if you do not say your prayers!WOMAN: Heaven forbid! G.o.d save us from their devilish ways! My hair stands on end when I think about all that impaling they do. But I see a woman here in church who"s got some of my cloth: I need to have a word with her. I wish you a good day. Heaven forbid! G.o.d save us from their devilish ways! My hair stands on end when I think about all that impaling they do. But I see a woman here in church who"s got some of my cloth: I need to have a word with her. I wish you a good day.FRIAR: Bless you. Bless you.
SCENE FOUR.
Friar Timoteo, Ligurio, and Messer Nicia.FRIAR [aside]: [aside]: Women are the most charitable creatures, and the most troublesome. He who shuns women pa.s.ses up the trouble, but also the benefits. He who puts up with them gains the benefits, but also the trouble. As the saying goes, there"s no honey without bees. [ Women are the most charitable creatures, and the most troublesome. He who shuns women pa.s.ses up the trouble, but also the benefits. He who puts up with them gains the benefits, but also the trouble. As the saying goes, there"s no honey without bees. [To Ligurio and Messer Nicia] What brings you here, my good gentlemen? Is that Messer Nicia I see? What brings you here, my good gentlemen? Is that Messer Nicia I see?LIGURIO: Speak louder, as he"s grown so deaf he can barely hear a word. Speak louder, as he"s grown so deaf he can barely hear a word.FRIAR: Welcome, gentlemen! Welcome, gentlemen!LIGURIO: Louder! Louder!FRIAR: Welcome! Welcome!NICIA: Greetings, Friar! Greetings, Friar!FRIAR: What brings you here? What brings you here?NICIA: I"m doing quite well, thank you. I"m doing quite well, thank you.LIGURIO: It is better that you speak to me, Friar, because if you want him to understand what you are saying, you"ll have the whole square running for cover. It is better that you speak to me, Friar, because if you want him to understand what you are saying, you"ll have the whole square running for cover.FRIAR: How can I help you? How can I help you?LIGURIO: Messer Nicia here, and another gentleman of standing, wish to distribute several hundred ducats to charity. Messer Nicia here, and another gentleman of standing, wish to distribute several hundred ducats to charity.NICIA: Well, I"ll s.h.i.t my guts out! Well, I"ll s.h.i.t my guts out!LIGURIO [to Nicia in a low voice]: [to Nicia in a low voice]: Be quiet, d.a.m.n it! It won"t be that much! [ Be quiet, d.a.m.n it! It won"t be that much! [Turning back to the friar] You mustn"t be surprised at the things he says, Friar. He might be deaf, but he has the impression he can hear, and then he says things that don"t make the slightest bit of sense.FRIAR: Go on, and let him say whatever he likes. Go on, and let him say whatever he likes.LIGURIO: I have some of the money here with me. The gentlemen would like you to be the one to distribute it. I have some of the money here with me. The gentlemen would like you to be the one to distribute it.FRIAR: With pleasure. With pleasure.LIGURIO: But before this charity is provided, we must ask your help in a strange matter that has befallen Messer Nicia, a matter in which only you can be of a.s.sistance. The honor of his house is at stake. But before this charity is provided, we must ask your help in a strange matter that has befallen Messer Nicia, a matter in which only you can be of a.s.sistance. The honor of his house is at stake.FRIAR: How can I help? How can I help?LIGURIO: I"m not sure if you know Cammillo Calfucci, Messer Nicia"s nephew. I"m not sure if you know Cammillo Calfucci, Messer Nicia"s nephew.FRIAR: Yes, I do. Yes, I do.LIGURIO: He went to France on business a year ago, and as he is a widower, he left his marriageable daughter in the care of a certain convent. He went to France on business a year ago, and as he is a widower, he left his marriageable daughter in the care of a certain convent.FRIAR: And what happened? And what happened?LIGURIO: What happened was that through either negligence on the nuns" part or the girl"s frivolity she is now four months pregnant, so that if the matter is not handled with prudence we shall see Messer Nicia, the nuns, the girl, Cammillo, and the whole house of Calfucci disgraced. Messer Nicia is so apprehensive about this shame that he has vowed to give three hundred ducats for the love of