"Her Zander Vanderpluckem, the celebrated German conjurer, astrologist, and doctor, who has had the honor of predicting the deaths of three kings, five queens, twenty-one princesses, and seven princes, all of royal blood, and in the best possible state of health at the time the predictions were made, and to all of whom he had himself the honor of being medical attendant and state physician, begs to announce his arrival in this town. He is the seventh son of the great and renowned conjurer, Herr Zander Vanderhoaxem, who made the stars tremble, and the devil sweat himself to powder in a fit of repentance. His influence over the stars and heavenly bodies is tremendous, and it is a well-known fact throughout the universe that he has them in such a complete state of terror and subjection, that a single comet dare not wag his tail unless by his permission. He travels up and down the milky way one night in every month, to see that the dairies of the sky are all right, and that that celebrated path be properly lighted; brings down a pail of the milk with him, which he churns into butyrus, an unguent so efficacious that it cures all maladies under the sun, and many that never existed. It can be had at five shillings a spoonful. He can make Ursa Major, or the Great Bear, dance without a leader, and has taught Pisces, or the Fishes, to live out of water--a prodigy never known or heard of before since the creation of _terra firma_. Such is the power of the great and celebrated Her Vanderpluckem over the stars and planets. But now to come nearer home: he cures all patients of all complaints. No person asking his a.s.sistance need ever be sick, unless when they happen to be unwell.
His insight into futurity is such that, whenever he looks far into it, he is obliged to shut his eyes. He can tell fortunes, discover hidden wealth to any amount, and create such love between sweethearts as will be sure to end in matrimony. He is complete master of the fairies, and has the whole generation of them under his thumb; and he generally travels with the king of the fairies in his left pocket closed up in a snuffbox. He interprets dreams and visions, and is never mistaken; can foretell whether a child unborn will be a boy or a girl, and can also inform the parents whether it will be brought to the bench or the gallows. He can also foretell backwards, and disclose to the individual anything that shall happen to him or her for the last seven years. His philters, concocted upon the profound science of alchemistic philosophy, have been sought for by persons of the highest distinction, who have always found them to produce the very effects for which they were intended, to wit, mutual affection between the parties, uniformly ending in matrimony and happiness. Devils expelled, ghosts and spirits laid on the shortest notice, and at the most moderate terms. Also, recipes to farmers for good weather or rain, according as they may be wanted.
"(Signed,) Her Zander VANDERPLUCKEM,"
"The Greatest Conjurer, Astrologer, and Doctor in the world."
To describe the effect that this bill, which, by the way, was posted against every dead wall in the town, had upon the people, would be impossible. The inn in which he stopped was, in a short time, crowded with applicants, either for relief or information, according as their ills or wishes came under the respective heads of his advertis.e.m.e.nt. The room he occupied was upstairs, and he had a door that led into a smaller one, or kind of closet, at the end of it; here sat an old-looking man, dressed in a black coat, black breeches, and black stockings; the very picture of the mysterious individual who had appeared and disappeared so suddenly at the bonfire. He had on a full-bottomed wig, and a long white beard, depending from the lower part of his face, swept his reverend breast. A large book lay open before him, on the pages of which were inscribed cabalistic characters and strange figures. He only admitted those who wished to consult him, singly; for on no occasion did he ever permit two persons at a time to approach him. All the paraphernalia of astrology were exposed upon the same table, at one end of which he sat in an arm-chair, awaiting the commencement of operations. At length a good-looking country-woman, of about forty-five years, made her appearance, and, after a low courtesy, was solemnly motioned to take a seat.
"Well, Mrs. Houlaghan," said he, "how do you do?"
The poor woman got as pale as death. "Heavenly Father," thought she, "how does it happen that he comes to know my name!"
"Mrs. Houlaghan, what can I do for you? not that I need ask, for I could give a very good guess at it;" and this he added with a very sage and solemn visage, precisely as if he knew the whole circ.u.mstances.
"Why, your honor," she replied--"but, blessed Father, how did you come to know my name?"
"That"s a question," he replied, solemnly, "which you ought not to ask me. It is enough that you see I know it. How is your husband, Frank, and how is your daughter, Mary? She"s complaining of late--is she not?"
This private knowledge of the family completely overwhelmed her, and she felt unable to speak for some time.
"Do not be in a hurry, Mrs. Honlaghan," said he, mildly; "reflect upon what you are about to say, and take your time."
"It"s a ghost, your reverence," she replied--"a ghost that haunts the house."
"Very well, Mrs. Houlaghan; the fee for laying a ghost is five shillings; I will trouble you for that sum; we conjurers have no power until we get money from the party concerned, and then we can work with effect."
The simple woman, in the agitation of the moment, handed him the amount of his demand, and then collected herself to hear the response, and the means of laying the ghost.
"Well, now," said he, "tell me all about this ghost, Mrs. Houlaghan. How long has it been troubling the family?"
"Why, then, ever since Frank lost the use of his sight, now goin" upon five months."
"When does it appear?"
"Why, generally afther twelve at night; and what makes it more strange is, that poor Mary"s more afeard o" me than she is of the ghost. She says it appears to her in her bedroom every night; but she knows I"m so timersome that she keeps her door always locked for fraid I"d see it, poor child."
"Does it terrify her?"
"Not a bit; she says it does her no harm on earth, and that it"s great company for her when she can"t sleep."
"Has Mary many sweethearts?"
"She has two: one o" them rather ould, but wealthy and well to do; her father and myself, wishin" to see her well settled, are doin" all we can to get her consent to marry him."
"Who"s the other?"
"One Brine Oge M"Gaveran, a good-lookin" vagabone, no doubt, but not worth a copper."
"Is she fond of him?"
"Troth, to tell you the truth, I"m afeard she is; he has been often seen about the house in the evenin"s."
"Well, Mrs. Houlaghan, I will tell you how to lay this ghost."
"G.o.d bless you, sir; poor Mary, although she purtends that the ghost is good company for her, is lookin" pale and very quare somehow."
"Well, then, here is the receipt for laying the ghost: Marry her as soon as you possibly can to Brine Oge M"Gaveran--do that and the ghost will never appear again; but if you refuse to do it--I may lay that ghost of course--but another ghost, as like it as an egg is to an egg, will haunt your house until she is married to Brine Oge. You have wealth yourselves, and you can make Brine and her comfortable if you wish.
She is your only child"--("Blessed Father, think of him knowin"
this!")--"and as you are well to do in the world, it"s both a sin and a scandal for you to urge a pretty young girl of nineteen to marry an old miserly runt of fifty. You know now how to lay the ghost, Mrs.
Houlaghan--and that is what I can do for you; but if you do not marry her to Brine Oge, as I said, another ghost will certainly contrive to haunt you. You may now withdraw."
A farmer, with a very shrewd and comic expression of countenance, next made his appearance, and taking his hat off and laying it on the floor with his staff across it, took his seat, as he had been motioned to do, upon the chair which Mrs. Houlaghan had just vacated.
"Well, my friend," said the conjurer, "what"s troubling you?"
"A crock o" b.u.t.ther, your honor."
"How is that? explain yourself."
"Why, sir, a crock o" b.u.t.ther that was stolen from me; and I"m tould for a sartinty that you can discover the thief o" the world that stole it."
"And so I can. Do you suspect anybody?"
"Troth, sir, I can"t say--for I live in a very honest neighborhood.
The only two thieves that were in it--Charley Folliott and George Austin--were hanged not long ago, and I don"t know anybody else in the country side that would stale it."
"What family have you?"
"Three sons, sir."
"How many daughters?"
"One, sir--but she"s only a _girsha_" (a little girl).
"I suppose your sons are very good children to you?"
"Betther never broke bread, sir--all but the youngest."
"What age is he?"
"About nineteen, sir, or goin" an twenty; but he"s a, heart-scald to me and the family--although he"s his mother"s pet; the divil can"t stand him for dress--and, moreover, he"s given to liquor and card-playin", and is altogether goin" to the bad. Widin the last two or three days he has bought himself a new hat, a new pair o" brogues, and a pair o" span-new breeches--and, upon my conscience, it wasn"t from me or mine he got the money to buy them."
The conjurer looked solemnly into his book for some minutes, and then raising his head, fastened his cold, gla.s.sy, glittering eyes on the farmer with a glance that filled him with awe.
"I have found it out," said he; "there are two parties to the theft--your wife and your youngest son. Go to the hucksters of the town, and ask them if they will buy any more b.u.t.ter like the last of yours that they bought, and, depend on it, you will find out the truth."
"Then you think, sir, it was my wife and son between them that stole the b.u.t.ter?"
"Not a doubt of it, and if you tell them that I said so, they will confess it. You owe me five shillings."