"I have the honor, sir," he replied, "to be an infidel--as every philosopher is. The truth of what I am stating to you has been tested by philosophers, and it has been ascertained, that no quant.i.ty of grapes eaten by an individual could make him drunk."
The doctor gave the parson another dig, and winked at him to keep quiet.
"Sir," said the parson, unable, however, to restrain himself, "confound me if ever I heard such infidel opinions expressed in my life. d.a.m.n your philosophy; it is cursed nonsense, and nothing else."
"A vegetable diet," proceeded Cooke, "is a guarantee for health and long life--O Lord!" he exclaimed, "this accursed rheumatism will be the death of me."
"What is he saying?" asked Manifold.
"He is talking philosophy," replied the doctor, with a comic grin, "and recommending a vegetable diet and pure water."
"A devilish scoundrel," said Manifold. "He"s a rat, too. Doolittle"s a rat; but I"ll poison him; yes, I"ll dose him with ratsbane, and then I can eat, drink, and swill away. Is the philosopher"s wife a cripple?"
"He has no wife," replied Doolittle.
"And what the devil, then, is he a philosopher for? What on earth challenges philosophy in a husband so much as a wife,--especially if she"s a cripple and has the use of her tongue?"
"Not being a married man myself," replied the doctor, "I can give you no information on the subject; or rather I could if I would; but it would not be for your comfort:--ask Manifold."
"Ay; but he says there"s something wrong about his head--sprouts pressing up, or something that way. Ask Mrs. Rosebud will she hob or n.o.b with me. Mrs. Rosebud," he proceeded, addressing the widow, "hob or n.o.b?"
Mrs. Rosebud, knowing that he was nothing more nor less than a gouty old parson, bowed to him very coldly, but accepted his challenge, notwithstanding.
"Mrs. Rosebud," he added, "what kind of a man was old Rosebud?"
"His family name," replied the widow, "was not Rosebud but Yellowboy; and, indeed, to speak the truth, my dear old Rosebud had all the marks and tokens of the original family name upon him, for he was as thin as the philosopher there, and as yellow as saffron. His mother, however, the night before he was born, dreamed that she was presented with a rosebud, and the name, being somewhat poetical, was adopted by himself and the family as a kind of set-off against the duck-foot color of the ancestral skin."
The philosopher, in the meantime, finding himself interrupted, stood, with a complacent countenance, awaiting a pause in which he might proceed. At length he got an opportunity of resuming.
"The world," he added, "knows but little of the great founder of so many systems and theories connected with human life and philosophy. It was he who invented the multiplication table, and solved the forty-seventh proposition of the first book of Euclid. It was he who, from his profound knowledge of music, first discovered the music of the spheres--a divine harmony, which, from its unbroken continuity, and incessant play in the heavenly bodies, we are incapable of hearing."
"Where the deuce, then, is the use of it?" cried Captain Culverin; "it must be a very odd kind of music which we cannot hear."
"The great Samian, sir, could hear it; but only in his heart and intellect, and after he had discovered the truthful doctrine of the metempsychosis, or transmigration of souls."
"The transmigration of soles; why, my dear sir, doesn"t every fishwoman understand that?" observed the captain. "Was the fellow a fisherman?"
"His great discovery, however, if mankind would only adopt it, was the healthful one of a vegetable diet, carried out by a fixed determination not to wear any dress made up from the skins or fleeces of animals that have been slain by man, but philosophically to confine himself to plain linen as I do. O Lord! this rheumatism will be the death of me.
Pythagoras was one of the greatest philosophers."
Here the doctor threw another gla.s.s of usquebaugh into the cup which stood before the Pythagorean, which act, in consequence of his great height and short sight, he did not perceive, but imagined that he was drinking the well water.
"Philosopher," said Captain Culverin, "hob or n.o.b, a gla.s.s with you."
"With pleasure, captain," said the Pythagorean, "only I wish you would adopt my principles--a vegetable diet and _aqua pura_.
"Upon my credit," observed Father Mulrenin, "I think the _aqua pura_ is the best of it. It is blessed water, this well water, and it ought to be so, because the parson consecrated it. Hob or n.o.b with me, Mr. Cooke."
"With pleasure, sir," replied Mr. Cooke, again; "and I do a.s.sure you, Father Mulrenin, that I think the parson"s consecration has improved the water."
"Sorra doubt of it," replied the friar; "and I am sure the doctor there will support me in the article of the parson"s consecration."
"The great Samian," proceeded Cooke, "the great Samian--"
"My dear philosopher," said the facetious friar, "never mind your great Samian, but follow up your principles and drink your water."
The mischievous doctor had thrown another gla.s.s into his cup: "Drink your water, and set us all a philosophical example of sobriety."
"That I always do," said the philosopher, staggering a little; "that I always do: the water is delicious, and I think my rheumatism has departed from me. Mr. Manifold, hob or n.o.b!"
"No," replied Manifold, "confound me if I will. You are the fellow that eats nothing but vegetables, and drinks nothing but water. Do you think I will hob or n.o.b with a water-drinking rascal like you? Do you think I will put my wine against your paltry water?"
"Don"t call it paltry," replied the Pythagorean; "it is delicious. You know not how it elevates the spirits and, so to speak, philosophizes the whole system of man. I am beginning to feel extremely happy."
"I think so," replied the friar; "but wasn"t it a fact, as a proof of your metempsychosis, that the great author of your doctrine was at the siege of Troy some centuries before he came into the world as the philosopher Pythagoras?"
"Yes, sir," replied his follower, "he fought for the Greeks in the character of Euphorbus, in the Trojan war, was Hermatynus, and afterwards a fisherman; his next transformation having been into the body of Pythagoras."
"What an extraordinary memory he must have had," said the friar.
"Now, can you yourself remember all the bodies your soul has pa.s.sed through?--but before I expect you to answer me,--hob or n.o.b again,--this is famous water, my dear philosopher."
"It is famous water, Father Mulrenin; and the parson"s consecration has given it a power of exhilaration which is astonishing." The doctor had thrown another gla.s.s of usquebaugh into his cup, of course un.o.bserved.
"Why," said the friar, "if I"m not much mistaken, you will feel the benefit of it. It is purely philosophical water, and fit for a philosopher like you to drink."
The company now were divided into little knots, and the worthy philosopher found it necessary to take his seat. He felt himself in a state of mind which he could not understand; but the delicious flavor of the water still clung to him, and, owing to his shortness of sight, and the doctor"s wicked wit,--if wit it could be called,--he continued drinking spirits and water until he became perfectly--or, in the ordinary phrase--blind drunk, and was obliged to be carried to bed.
In the meantime, a new individual had arrived; and, having ascertained from the servants that there was a great dinner on that day, he inquired if Mr. Goodwin and his family were present at it. He was informed that Mr. Goodwin and Mrs. Goodwin were there, but that Miss Goodwin was unable to come. He asked where Mr. Goodwin and Mrs. Goodwin resided, and, having been informed on this point, he immediately pa.s.sed to the farmer"s house where they lodged.
Now, it so happened that there was a neat garden attached to the house, in which was an arbor of willows where Miss Goodwin was in the habit of sitting, and amusing herself by the perusal of a book. It contained an arm-chair, in which she frequently reclined, sometimes after the slight exertion of walking; it also happened that she occasionally fell asleep. There were two modes of approach to the farmer"s house--one by the ordinary pathway, and another much shorter, which led by a gate that opened into the garden. By this last the guide who pointed out the house to Woodward directed him to proceed, and he did so. On pa.s.sing through, his eye caught the summer house, and he saw at a glance that Alice Goodwin was there, and asleep. She was, indeed, asleep, but it was a troubled sleep, for the demon gaze of the terrible eye which she dreaded, and which had almost blasted her out of life, she imagined was one more fixed upon her. Woodward approached with a stealthy step, and saw that, even although asleep, she was deeply agitated, as was evident by her moanings. He contemplated her features for a brief s.p.a.ce.
"Ah," he said to himself, "I have done my work. Although beautiful, the stamp of death is upon her. One last gaze and it will all be over. I am before her in her dream. My eye is upon her in her morbid and diseased imagination, but what will the consequence be when she awakens and finds it upon her in reality?"
As those thoughts pa.s.sed through his mind, she gave a scream, and exclaimed,--
"O, take him away! take him away! he is killing me!" and as she uttered the words she awoke.
Now, thought he, to secure my twelve hundred a year; now, for one glance, with the power of h.e.l.l in its blighting influence, and all is over; my twelve hundred is safe to me and mine forever.
On awakening from her terrible dream, the first object that presented itself to her was the fixed gaze of that terrific eye. It was now wrought up to such a concentration of malignity as surpa.s.sed all that even her imagination had ever formed of it. Fixed--diabolical in its aspect, and steady as fate itself--it poured upon the weak and alarmed girl such a flood of venomous and prostrating influence that her shrieks were too feeble to reach the house when calling for a.s.sistance. She seemed to have been fascinated to her own destruction. There the eye was fastened upon her, and she felt herself deprived of the power of removing her own from his.
"O my G.o.d!" she exclaimed, "I am lost--help, help; the murderous eye is upon me!"
"It is enough," said Woodward; "good by, Miss Goodwin. I was simply contemplating your beauty, and I am sorry to see that you are in so weak a state. Present my compliments to your father and mother; and I think of me as a man whose affection you have indignantly spurned--a man, however, I whose eye, whatever his heart may be, is not to be trifled with."
He then made her a low bow, and took his departure back through the garden.
"It is over," said he; "_finitum est_, the property is mine; she cannot be saved now; I have taken her life; but no one can say that I have shed her blood. My precious mother will be delighted to hear this. Now, we will be free to act with old c.o.c.kletown and his niece; and if she does not turn out a good wife--if she crosses me in my amours---for amours I will have,--I shall let her, too, feel what my eye can do."