She was horribly frightened. Her mouth was dry, and when at last the words came, her voice sounded unnatural.
"I wanted to burn my ships behind me. I wanted to rea.s.sure myself."
This time it was Alec who did not answer, for he understood now what was on her mind. His heart sank, since he saw already that he must lose her.
But he had faced that possibility long ago in the heavy forests of Africa, and he had made up his mind that Lucy could do without love better than without self-respect.
He made a movement to get up, but quickly Lucy put out her hand. And then suddenly a fire seized him, and a vehement determination not to give way till the end.
"I don"t understand you," he said quietly.
"Forgive me, dear," she said.
She held his hand in hers, and she spoke quickly.
"You don"t know how terrible it is. I stand so dreadfully alone.
Everyone is so bitter against you, and not a soul has a good word to say for you. It"s all so extraordinary and so inexplicable. It seems as if I am the only person who isn"t convinced that you caused poor George"s death. Oh, how callous and utterly heartless people must think me!"
"Does it matter very much what people think?" he said gravely.
"I"m so ashamed of myself. I try to put the thoughts out of my head, but I can"t. I simply can"t. I"ve tried to be brave. I"ve refused to discuss the possibility of there being anything in those horrible charges. I wanted to talk to d.i.c.k--I knew he was fond of you--but I didn"t dare. It seemed treacherous to you, and I wouldn"t let anyone see that it meant anything to me. The first letter wasn"t so bad, but the second--oh, it looks so dreadfully true."
Alec gave her a rapid glance. This was the first he had heard of another communication to the paper. During the frenzied anxiety of those days at the colliery, he had had time to attend to nothing but the pressing work of rescue. But he made no reply.
"I"ve read it over and over again, and I _can"t_ understand. When Bobbie says it"s conclusive, I tell him it means nothing--but--don"t you see what I mean? The uncertainty is more than I can bear."
She stopped suddenly, and now she looked at him. There was a pitiful appeal in her eyes.
"At the first moment I felt so absolutely sure of you."
"And now you don"t?" he asked quietly.
She cast down her eyes once more, and a sob caught her breath.
"I trust you just as much as ever. I know it"s impossible that you should have done a shameful deed. But there it stands in black and white, and you have nothing to say in answer."
"I know it"s very difficult. That"s why I asked you to believe in me."
"I do, Alec," she cried vehemently. "With all my soul. But have mercy on me. I"m not as strong as I thought. It"s easy for you to stand alone.
You"re iron. You"re a mountain of granite. But I"m a weak woman, pitifully weak."
He shook his head.
"Oh, no, you"re not like other women."
"It was easy to be brave where my father was concerned, or George, but now it"s so different. Love has changed me. I haven"t the courage any more to withstand the opinion of all my fellows."
Alec got up and walked once or twice across the room. He seemed to be thinking deeply. Lucy fancied that he must hear the beating of her heart. He stopped in front of her. Her heart was wrung by the great pain that was in his voice.
"Don"t you remember that only a few days ago I told you that I"d done nothing which I wouldn"t do again? I gave you my word of honour that I could reproach myself for nothing."
"Oh, I know," she cried. "I"m so utterly ashamed of myself. But I can"t bear the doubt."
"_Doubt._ You"ve said the word at last."
"I tell myself that I don"t believe a word of these horrible charges. I repeat to myself: I"m certain, I"m certain that he"s innocent."
She gathered strength in the desperation of her love, and now at the crucial moment she had all the courage she needed.
"And yet at the bottom of my heart there"s the doubt. And I _can"t_ crush it."
She waited for him to answer, but he did not speak.
"I wanted to kill that bitter pain of suspicion. I thought if I stood up before them and cried out that my trust in you was so great, I was willing to marry you notwithstanding everything--I should at last have peace in my heart."
Alec went to the window and looked out. The westering sun slanted across the street. Carriages and motors were waiting at the door of the house opposite, and a little crowd of footmen cl.u.s.tered about the steps. They were giving a party, and through the open windows Alec could see a throng of women. The sky was very blue. He turned back to Lucy.
"Will you show me the second letter of which you speak?"
"Haven"t you seen it?" she asked in astonishment.
"I was so busy, I had no time to look at the papers. I suppose no one thought it his business to draw my attention to it."
Lucy went into the second drawing-room, divided from that in which they sat by an archway, and brought him the copy of the _Daily Mail_ for which he asked. She gave it, and he took it silently. He sat down and with attention read the letter through. He observed with bitter scorn the thoroughness with which Macinnery had set out the case against him.
In this letter he filled up the gaps which had been left in the first, adding here and there details which gave a greater coherency to the whole; and his evidence had an air of truth, since he quoted the very words of porters and askari who had been on the expedition. It was wonderful what power had that small admixture of falsehood joined with what was admittedly true, to change the whole aspect of the case. Alec was obliged to confess that Lucy had good grounds for her suspicion.
There was a specious look about the story, which would have made him credit it himself if some other man had been concerned. The facts were given with sufficient exactness, and the untruth lay only in the motives that were ascribed to him; but who could tell what another"s motives were? Alec put the paper on the table, and leaning back, his face resting in his hand, thought deeply. He saw again that scene in his tent when the wind was howling outside and the rain falling, falling; he recalled George"s white face, the madness that came over him when he fired at Alec, the humility of his submission. The earth covered the boy, his crime, and his weakness. It was not easy to save one"s self at a dead man"s expense. And he knew that George"s strength and courage had meant more than her life to Lucy. How could he cause her the bitter pain? How could he tell her that her brother died because he was a coward and a rogue? How could he tell her the pitiful story of the boy"s failure to redeem the good name that was so dear to her? And what proof could he offer of anything he said? Walker had been killed on the same night as George, poor Walker with his cheerfulness in difficulties and his buoyant spirits: his death too must be laid to the charge of George Allerton; Adamson had died of fever. Those two alone had any inkling of the truth; they could have told a story that would at least have thrown grave doubts upon Macinnery"s. But Alec set his teeth; he did not want their testimony. Finally there was the promise. He had given his solemn oath, and the place and the moment made it seem more binding, that he would utter no word that should lead Lucy to suspect even for an instant that her brother had been untrue to the trust she had laid upon him.
Alec was a man of scrupulous truthfulness, not from deliberately moral motives but from mere taste, and he could not have broken his promise for the great discomfort it would have caused him. But it was the least of the motives which influenced him. Even if George had exacted nothing, he would have kept silence. And then, at the bottom of his heart, was a fierce pride. He was conscious of the honesty of his motives, and he expected that Lucy should share his consciousness. She must believe what he said to her because he said it. He could not suffer the humiliation of defending himself, and he felt that her love could not be very great if she could really doubt him. And because he was very proud perhaps he was unjust. He did not know that he was putting upon her a trial which he should have asked no one to bear.
He stood up and faced Lucy.
"What is it precisely you want me to do?" he asked.
"I want you to have mercy on me because I love you. Don"t tell the world if you choose not to. But tell me the truth. I know you"re incapable of lying. If I only have it from your own lips I shall believe. I want to be certain, certain."
"Don"t you realise that I would never have asked you to marry me if my conscience hadn"t been quite clear?" he said slowly. "Don"t you see that the reasons I have for holding my tongue must be overwhelming, or I wouldn"t stand by calmly while my good name was torn from me shred by shred?"
"But I"m going to be your wife, and I love you, and I know you love me."
"I implore you not to insist, Lucy. Let us remember only that the past is gone and that we love one another. It is impossible for me to tell you anything."
"Oh, but you must now," she implored. "If anything has happened, if any part of the story is true, you must give me a chance of judging for myself."
"I"m very sorry. I can"t."
"But you"ll kill my love for you."
She sprang to her feet and pressed both hands to her heart.
"The doubt that lurked at the bottom of my soul, now fills me. How can you let me suffer such maddening torture?"