"You make it sound like a mortal sin to do what I want. All I ask for is one friend. Do you want me to be lonely?"
"Listen to me, Ryan."
"I said I"m listening."
"There is only one girl you should be involved with. That is the one who has the silver eagle, and-"
"It"s been ten years, and you act as if it will be tomorrow. Your grand plans, Uncle-you even order who I must love. Or what if she is the one? You did not think of that." There was a silence. "Or what if she really is a relative of your brother, as you say?"
"It makes no difference if she is. That is in the past now. You do not need to spend all your time with her. What you need to do is fence, study the stars, and practice archery. And you need to know everything about your country that you can possibly know, or else-"
"Or else what? What Malonian gives a d.a.m.n if I"m not the world archery champion or I don"t know who won the Battle of the Eastern Fields, or-"
"Ca.s.sius Ryan Angel Donahue." There was a pause, and then the man laughed, but half exasperatedly. "I am serious, though. Do you have any idea what it is like in Malonia under Lucien"s rule? Do you? Because I have been trying to tell you but you do not listen."
"But, Uncle-"
"But what? The people want a king who can dance, make patriotic speeches, ride a horse, fence. They don"t want someone new or different or unique. They want someone safe. Do you understand? Until you are certain you can meet your responsibilities, no more going to see this girl."
"I never asked for-"
"It makes no difference. You cannot choose your duty, and you would do well to accept it."
"But listen-"
"Enough." His footsteps were fading across the gravel of the beach. "The discussion is finished. Map the positions of the major constellations, and think about the significance of these patterns for those who are expecting revolution. I will be in the library, working."
There was a silence. Then the door of the house, far away across the lawn, banged shut. In the darkness, Ryan said, "Anna?"
She came out from the trees and walked back to him. "I thought you might have gone," he said.
"You told me to wait."
"Did you hear-"
"Yes." He did not reply. "Ryan, what were you saying about me? That I am a relative of your uncle"s?"
"You should not have overheard that," he said. "But I will explain. It is only fair to explain."
She twisted her fingers through the chain of her necklace. He watched the moonlight glinting on it and frowned slightly, as though he was thinking of something else. And then his eyes changed. "What is it?" she said.
"I never much looked at it before, your necklace. Is it a bird? Let me see." He caught hold of it. "And that jewel has always been missing?"
"Yes. But, Ryan-"
"Tell me where you got this," he said.
"My Nan gave it to me when I was a baby."
She turned away. He caught her arm. "She is the lady in the photograph, isn"t she? The one who looks like you? And she gave you this necklace?"
She did not answer. "Please, Anna," he said. "Tell me about her."
She hesitated, then turned back to him. "There isn"t much to tell. She was the one who brought me up when I was little. And then-she pa.s.sed away. It was a car crash, near here. I was in it as well, and-"
"But tell me where she got the necklace from," he interrupted.
For a few seconds neither of them spoke. Then she said, "I should go...." She raised her hands to her face.
"I"m sorry, Anna. I see I have upset you; I did not mean-"
"I hardly know you, Ryan. I don"t want to tell you about my Nan any more than you wanted to tell me this afternoon about your parents."
"I am sorry. I did not realize this was something that mattered so much to you, or I never would have-"
"Of course it"s something that matters to me!" she said. The moonlight showed up the tears on her face. "Ryan, you don"t understand anything! You were angry for half an hour this morning when I just mentioned your parents."
"I told you, I wasn"t angry with you."
"Then who were you angry with?"
"No one. I wasn"t. I don"t want to discuss this, please." And then she saw the tears in his eyes, threatening to fall. "I don"t want to discuss it," he repeated. He looked away and raised his hands to his head as though in exasperation. "Anna, why do you have to bring all this back to me?" he said. "I"m not going to explain the history of my life to you. And if I was, I would have to know where your grandmother got that necklace from first."
"Why?" she said, more quietly. The moon disappeared behind a cloud, and in the darkness they were separated.
"I can"t explain," said Ryan"s voice. "I wish I could, because-" He paused. "I want to tell you. Honestly, I do."
In the darkness, his hand found hers. "Then tell me," she said.
And then someone was calling from the lighted window. "Ryan, come in! Now. Straightaway."
They looked at each other for a minute. Then Ryan turned. "I have to go."
He glanced back once as he walked away from her; then his uncle called again and he broke into a run toward the house.
Anna turned and walked away down the beach, without looking back. But she could still feel exactly how his hand had caught hers, like a lasting imprint on her palm.
I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, when Father Dunstan came in, so at first I did not see him. I was thinking that the last time I had lain here, which seemed to me so recent, was back in the days when I used to be the Leo that I was-the ordinary boy who had a brother called Stirling. And now, so soon-three days later-I was an only child who had lost a brother. That wasn"t really me. It was so sudden. It was not just Stirling who was gone. I was not myself anymore. I had lost a part of my ident.i.ty-a large part. I was forgetting who I was. I had only ever been Leo in relation to Stirling. I had a strange feeling that I was a lost soul, in the wrong situation, in the wrong body. I did not recognize myself in the mirror. Everything was different. was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, when Father Dunstan came in, so at first I did not see him. I was thinking that the last time I had lain here, which seemed to me so recent, was back in the days when I used to be the Leo that I was-the ordinary boy who had a brother called Stirling. And now, so soon-three days later-I was an only child who had lost a brother. That wasn"t really me. It was so sudden. It was not just Stirling who was gone. I was not myself anymore. I had lost a part of my ident.i.ty-a large part. I was forgetting who I was. I had only ever been Leo in relation to Stirling. I had a strange feeling that I was a lost soul, in the wrong situation, in the wrong body. I did not recognize myself in the mirror. Everything was different.
Father Dunstan shut the door, and I heard him and sat up. "Sorry, Leo," he said. "I wanted to talk to you." I swung my legs over the side of my bed, rested my elbows on my knees, and stared at him. He drew the chair round so that he could sit in front of me. "I wanted to ask you about the service," he said. "Your grandmother and I both thought it would be nice if you said something." I gave him a questioning look. "Perhaps you could take one of the readings from the Bible, or you could talk before the service starts. I know that it would be difficult, but you were the one closest to Stirling in the world, and those who loved him would like to hear what you have to say about him. I know that it is difficult at the time, when something like this happens, but people often regret not taking their chance to do this." He looked uneasy when he saw my face. "Could you do one of the readings, perhaps?" I just went on looking at him. "Of course, you do not have to. Think about it, that"s all." I nodded reluctantly.
"Leo, there was something else," he said. "You are not talking." I shook my head. "Remember, the longer you go on with something like this, the harder it is to stop it." I stared at him and said nothing. "And it can lead to misunderstandings. Sometimes it is better to talk about things rather than contain them." When still I did not reply, he spoke again. "How about if you agreed to speak now, and we talked about this, and then after that, if you still think it is the right thing to do, you can remain silent again?" He did not understand. "Will you write, then? I want to speak with you." I nodded eventually, though I did not want to write. That was not the point. The point was that I did not communicate at all.
"Here," he said, handing me a pencil from his pocket and a crumpled piece of paper. "Why are you not talking?" he asked me.
"Why the h.e.l.l is it your business?" said the voice in my head.
A lot of reasons, I wrote, my hand trembling from the pressure I exerted on the pencil. The lead broke.
He took a penknife out of his pocket, sharpened the pencil silently, knocked the shreds of wood onto the floor with the back of his hand, and then, handing it back to me, said, "What kind of reasons?"
So I don"t have to answer stupid questions, I wrote.
"Any others?"
I am tired with words, I wrote. There are not enough. There are not enough.
"Not enough for what?" he asked.
To say what I want to say.
He sat silent for a moment. Then he said, "You know, Stirling would not necessarily wish you to do this. Perhaps he would have preferred you to speak, if only for the sake of supporting your grandmother and reading at his memorial service. He would want you to do what is right."
"How dare you say that?" said the voice in my head. "When you just said, the moment before, that I was the closest to Stirling in the world. How can you know what Stirling would have wanted?"
Anyway he is dead so he will not know, I wrote.
"Do you think that?" he asked quietly. "Do you not think that he can see you, or know what you are doing?" I didn"t answer.
"Often it seems the right thing to do, to become absorbed by a vow like not speaking," he continued. "But it might actually be a trap, preventing you from getting back to normality."
How can I get back to normality? I wrote. I wrote.
"Normality may have to be redefined," he said. "But eventually, though it does not seem like it now, you will get back to some degree of ordinary life."
So I should talk?
"That is up to you," he said. "Only, I think that Stirling would be glad that you spoke for the sake of others, rather than angry that you broke the promise."
We sat in silence. I traced a line on the paper from one corner toward the other, but it never got there and I gave up and dropped the pencil. "Are there any other reasons that you decided not to talk?" he said. "As a sort of punishment, perhaps?"
He waited, but I did not pick up the pencil again and answer him. "It"s important to remember that there is no reason for you to be punished, Leo," he said eventually. "You were not to blame for Stirling"s death, and punishing yourself for it will do no good." He looked at me.
I picked up the pencil again and wrote, You can"t make me talk. You can"t make me talk.
He sighed. "I know it, Leo. But I think that it would be the best for you. How about if you talked only when it was necessary? Only when you need to communicate. You don"t have to talk about your feelings. You could just answer questions people ask you, for example."
Sometimes I don"t want to answer. Then what?
"You could just say so."
I will think about it, I wrote.
"Thank you, Leo," he said. "Thank you. Good lad."
"Don"t patronize me," said the voice in my head.
"Sorry," he said, seeing me frown. "But thank you. And about reading at the service ... I would like you to do it. I really would. Stirling would have too, I think."
I said I"ll think about it, I wrote, and then I shoved the paper and pencil back at him and lay down on my bed and turned to the window. He bent down to pick up the pencil from where it had fallen. "Thank you, Leo," he said. I bit my lip to keep back a loud sob until he had left.
I did think about speaking at the service. I went to Stirling"s grave the next day. I sat at the end of it and looked at the wooden cross with Stirling"s name and wondered what I should do. Suddenly he was cut out of my life, where once he had been so important, and I could no longer do anything for him except the dull, dead things-taking a bunch of flowers, clipping the gra.s.s on his grave, or perhaps speaking at his memorial service. I wanted so badly to talk to him, like I used to. He was the only one I ever really talked to. I wanted to ask him if I should read at the service, like I would have done before.
"What should I do, Stirling?" I asked, in my head. There was no answer. "What do you think I should do?" I imagined him as he was when we laughed about something, or when he asked me a question, or when he talked about the Bible. What would he have said? "Should I speak at your memorial service, Stirling?" There was a silence that was not just the lack of response; it seemed the opposite of a response. "This is stupid," said the voice in my head, and I went home.
Grandmother was not there. I a.s.sumed that she was downstairs in the bathroom or out at the market, perhaps. But there was nothing to do at home, and when a couple of hours had pa.s.sed, and I had checked that she was not in the building or the yard or the bathroom, and a storm was rising outside, I decided to go out to look for her. I wrote a note-Grandmother, Gone to look for you. I will be back-and left it on the table.
It was beginning to rain. It had been raining on and off since I had got back from the barracks at Ositha. Clouds had been gathering all day, and suddenly they burst. Thunder and lightning cracked against the buildings, as if they were an enemy force attacking the vulnerable island city. I did not know where I was going, but I concentrated hard on thinking about where Grandmother would have gone, and I thought, strangely, of school. There was no reason for her to have gone there, but I went west anyway.
I cannot remember walking through the city, but I remember running up the street toward school. The rain was falling hard, and the lightning flared against the buildings. I could hear shouting and laughter and someone chanting a song. It must be afternoon break, I realized. That school was still going on seemed to me stupid. But they were all there in the yard, those boys I used to know. cannot remember walking through the city, but I remember running up the street toward school. The rain was falling hard, and the lightning flared against the buildings. I could hear shouting and laughter and someone chanting a song. It must be afternoon break, I realized. That school was still going on seemed to me stupid. But they were all there in the yard, those boys I used to know.
I suddenly saw Grandmother silhouetted against the fence. She was staring into the yard. A couple of the younger boys were glancing at her uneasily. I ran up and touched her arm. "Harold?" she asked. I shook my head and tried to pull her away. She was talking to me urgently, but I could not understand.
"North!" said someone then, and I realized it was Seth Blackwood crossing the yard at a jog. I went on trying to pull Grandmother away. "Why haven"t you been in school?" he called. " We were all wondering. It isn"t your brother, is it?"
I did not answer. Seth reached the fence and looked through it at me. "You should take this lady home," he said, lowering his voice. "The teachers are edgy these days, because of the a.s.sa.s.sination attempt and the situation with the war, you know." I must have looked blank, because he started telling me about it-about how a madman had tried to a.s.sa.s.sinate Lucien, and after that my platoon had been sent back to school with all the other cadets. I didn"t listen to much of it. But I remembered suddenly what had happened at Ositha and what the sergeant had said about prison. I did not want to meet any of the teachers.
I prized Grandmother"s fingers from the fence and steered her away. She began to sing as we walked. I motioned to her to be quiet. She was not watching me. She started muttering something to herself, and her eyes darted as she talked, as if there were demons in her. I almost spoke, but I bit back the words and pulled her by the hand, and she followed me.
"You should talk," said the Voice. "You should talk to her." I ignored it. I heard someone shouting behind us, maybe Seth Blackwood, or else one of the teachers. I pulled Grandmother into a run, though she could hardly manage it.
Somewhere on the way home, she came back and began asking me what was happening. But I could not speak. I went on dragging her along behind me.
When we got home, I bolted the door. Then I fetched a piece of paper and explained. I told her everything, even that she had been calling me Harold.
"Is this true?" she said when she had read it. She put her hand to her head, looking frightened. "I have no recollection ... I cannot remember what I did.... I went out to go to the graveyard after you had left ... but beyond that, there is just darkness." She sat down heavily opposite me at the table. "I think I had an idea that Stirling had been kept in late. I wanted to go and fetch him." She began to cry then. "Leo, I fear that I am losing my mind."
Perhaps it is only because of Stirling, I wrote. You are not old. You are not old.
"I am sixty-five, Leo. That"s old. And then where will you be?"
Where will I be when?
"When I am dead."
You are not going to die, I wrote. You are just upset. You are just upset.
"You"re probably right," she said, but she still looked frightened. "At least I have never done this before." I didn"t tell her about the time at the graveyard, when I was back from Ositha. I didn"t see any benefit in it. "I"ll ask Father Dunstan when he comes tomorrow," she said, and pretended to put it out of her mind.
Father Dunstan told Grandmother not to worry. I don"t think that he could have told her anything else. I said it wasn"t madness, but I think now that it was. Why not madness? I was losing my own mind in those days. It"s easy to do. Easier than going on living, pretending everything is still as it used to be.
Father Dunstan asked me again about speaking at the service. I agreed, reluctantly, to take one of the readings. "Thank you, Leo," he said. "It would mean a lot to Stirling." I didn"t know how I was going to speak, but I knew that I was going to manage it somehow. I had to do it.