I didn"t hear the doorbell." His mom said nothing and somberly shuffl ed away in her slippers.
"Sorry," he said as he took my coat and hung it on the end of the banister. "My mom"s moods alternate between comatose and overly perky these days."
"That was the perky one, right?" I asked. He smiled a small smile, the kind he made that fi rst day we hung out at the elementary school.
-1- "I hope it"s okay if we watch in my room. Mom and Dad com- 0- mandeered the big screen. I have a s.h.i.tty setup, but it works."
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"Sure." I shrugged. "The DVD looks like c.r.a.p anyway, so it will be extra crispy."
"Crispy?" he asked as we walked up the stairs.
"And Dutch."
His bedroom window had been replaced, and his room was rela- tively neat compared to the last time I was up there. As I popped the DVD into his player, Leo lay down on his bed. There was a desk chair, and I considered sitting in it but thought that would be uncool.
He was already on the bed, and it off ered the best view of the TV. I lay down next to him, careful not to touch. He didn"t make any move to get closer. We started the movie, and my back, rigid with tension, eventually softened as the grotesque cast of characters began their journey to their Great Aunt"s house to fi nd out which greedy soul inherited the fortune. Leo and I laughed at the dub and tried to fi gure out what the Dutch words for "eat" and "bludgeon" were. At some point, maybe halfway through, Leo"s arm connected with mine. A laugh moved it there, but he didn"t move it away after the laugh stopped. I inhaled involuntarily and hoped he didn"t notice. I had on a short- sleeved shirt, he had on long sleeves. Maybe he couldn"t even tell we were touching.
As the movie ended, we weakly applauded. "How did you ever manage to live without experiencing the plea sure of Rabid Gran- nies?" I asked.
He answered with a kiss. It was a fi rm kiss, and he held my cheek with one large hand. I needed that kiss. Every part of me needed it.
Not just my body, which screamed at me to touch him ever since I landed on his bed again, but my mind, my heart, my soul. I needed him to show me he forgave me wholly for leaving him, so that I could --1 show Leo how I truly felt for him.
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For minutes, it was kissing, hands everywhere, clothes still on. It was me who wriggled my hand underneath Leo"s shirt.
"Wait." He stopped me. "I don"t want to have s.e.x."
I had said it to him before, more than once, but hearing it said to me made me feel unwanted.
"Why not?" I asked, peeved. I didn"t know if I was mentally ready to go at it again with Leo, but I was afraid to hear why he didn"t want to do it with me.
I sat up and crossed my arms over my chest as though my body was somehow exposed through my black t-shirt.
"Don"t get mad," he told me. "I"m just not ready to go there again yet. We"ve barely talked in months, and I can"t pretend we"re starting where we left off . I mean, s.h.i.t, you dumped my a.s.s where we left off ."
"I was hoping you forgot about that," I said. "Maybe if we had s.e.x you would?" I smiled at him through a cheesy grin.
"Momentarily, I"m sure I would. But, and stop me if you don"t feel this way at all, I"m kind of wanting something more than s.e.x and gore with you."
I hid "s.e.x and gore" away in my brain as a kicka.s.s name for a movie. "No," I said coyly, or as coy as I could muster. "I don"t just want that either. I think I did want that, originally, but things have changed."
I waited for Leo to tell me he was just kidding, that he wanted to make me feel just as s.h.i.tty as I made him feel. But Leo wasn"t like that. He was honest. Open. More so than I could ever be. But I was trying.
"So what"s changed?" Leo asked.
-1- "Do I have to answer that?" I cringed.
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"Yes. I deserve some emoting here, and besides, you"re adorable when you"re all squirmy."
"f.u.c.k you. I"m not adorable." I whacked him in the chest.
"You are until you open your mouth," he decided. "Fess up."
I exhaled a deep sigh. "Fine. But you owe me, like, a foot mas- sage or something for this."
"A foot ma.s.sage?" he laughed.
"Yeah. Isn"t that what couples do for each other?"
"Couples? Are we a couple?"
"You"re killing me, Leo." I covered my face with my hand and attempted to spill. "I just realized that it"s okay to give and get good things sometimes, and it doesn"t make me a bad person if my life isn"t one hundred percent h.e.l.l." There. I said it.
"Aw." He patted my head. "Was that so hard?"
"You"ll fi nd out later when I kill you in your sleep."
"I get so turned on when you talk like that." He moved my hand away from my face and kissed me. I couldn"t fathom how I found a guy who liked me for my good and evil parts. But there I was, in the arms of Leo Dietz again and I wasn"t hating myself for it.
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CHAPTER.
39.
That Monday, as I navigated the hallway at school, I felt diff erent. The dread was still there when I thought about Becca, the "what if " of the rest of her forever- pending test results. But Becca had returned to the person I knew as my best friend. Not fi ghting her discomfort anymore, she chose to stay home from school until she was ready. Her mom was more than okay with that, since it went along with her whole doomed vibe. Luckily, her mom spent so much time out of the house it allowed Caleb that much more time in. Becca drew an old- timey picture in my mind of her recuperating in bed while Caleb sat next to her reading love poems and refreshing her mint juleps.
Jenna Brown strode up to my locker as I fi nagled s.p.a.ce for my backpack. "I hear Becca"s still sick." She pouted overzealously.
"Her mom tell your mom that?" I was ready to jump down her -1- throat.
0- She nodded. "The drama department put some money together
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to get her this." She handed me a small box with a card attached. "It"s an Itunes gift card. So she can download TV shows and movies to keep her busy." Jenna had a slight look of panic as she explained this, as though I would have an abusively snarky comeback. I thought about it, like why it took them so d.a.m.n long or how would her mom know how she was because she was never around anyway. I stopped myself. What they did was a good thing. I couldn"t fault them for tak- ing a while to do it.
"Thanks. I"ll give this to her. I"m sure she"ll appreciate it."
Jenna stood stock still, waiting for the punch line. I thought about fulfi lling her expectations, when we were interrupted by the appearance of a super- tall fi gure behind her. I looked up at him and smiled. If I were one of those people, my eyes might have welled up with tears.
"Excuse me," Leo said to Jenna, and stepped between her and me.
"Hi," I breathed. He didn"t say anything, just leaned down, hands cupping my face, and kissed me. It was my fi rst instance of hallway PDA, something I held so much disdain for I made it a point to mock regular culprits as a sport.
But Leo"s lips on my lips, his hands on my cheeks, and I wasn"t even in the hallway anymore. It was only me and Leo. Heavenly.
Until Jenna interrupted with a giggle and an overly enthusiastic "Are you guys dating? That is so cute!" She squealed.
"Leo and I are not cute," I blasted her. But what was I really fi ghting about? I wrapped an arm around his waist, and he draped his over my shoulder. "And, yes, we are dating. Or what ever," I admitted.
"Adorable!" she squealed again. I willed myself not to kick her --1 in the shin.
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"We have to go," I announced, and pulled Leo along as best I could through the hall to the book closet. When we arrived, Leo fi shed out his key and unlocked the door. Inside for the fi rst time in months, Leo looked around. "Something looks diff erent. Did you rearrange the books?" he asked.
"Maybe. Long story," I dismissed. He kissed me again, and I wanted to pull the clocks off the wall to stop time.
Every day of school after that started the exact same way. I had never looked forward to school, or a guy, as much in my life.
I prayed that the third bad thing had come and gone.
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