CHAPTER VI
BRECK SEWALL AGAIN
As I stood there in my devastated room, hugging to me a little sc.r.a.p of a dog, a desire to conceal my present poverty swept over me, just as I had always wanted to hide the tell-tale economies of our household years ago from my more affluent friends. I did not want pity. I was Ruth, of whom my family had predicted great things--vague great things, I confess. Never had I been quite certain what they were to be--but something rather splendid anyhow.
We become what those nearest to us make us. The family made out of my oldest brother Tom counselor and wise judge; out of my sister Lucy chief cook and general-manager; out of me b.u.t.terfly and ornament. In the eyes of the family I have always been frivolous and worldly, and though they criticize these qualities of mine, underneath their righteous veneer I discover them marveling. They disparage my extravagance in dressing, and then admire my frocks. In one breath they ridicule social ambition, and in the next inquire into my encounters and triumphs. A desire to remain in my old position I offer now as the least contemptible excuse of any that I can think of for the following events of my life. I didn"t want to resign my place like an actress who can no longer take ingenue parts because of wrinkles and gray hairs. When I came home that day and discovered how unimportant I was, how weak had become my applause, instead of trying to play a new part by making myself useful and necessary--helping with the housework, putting away laundry, mending, and so on--I went about concocting ways and methods of filling more dazzlingly my old role.
Although my fever had practically disappeared by the time I went to bed that night, I lolled down to the breakfast table the next morning later than ever, making an impression in a sh.e.l.l-pink tea-gown; luxuriously dawdled over a late egg and coffee; and then lazily borrowed a maid about eleven o"clock and allowed her to unpack for me. Meanwhile I lay back on the couch, criticized to Edith the tone of gray of the paper in my room, carelessly suggested that there were too many articles on the shelf from an artistic point of view, and then suffered myself to be consulted on an invitation list for a party Edith was planning to give.
The description of my past two months" gaieties, recited in rather a bored and blase manner, lacked none of the usual color. My references to attentions from various would-be suitors proved to Edith and Alec that I was keeping up my record.
One Sat.u.r.day afternoon not long after my return to Hilton, Edith and I attended a tea at the Country Club. The terrace, open to the sky and covered with a dozen small round tables, made a pretty sight--girls in light-colored gowns and flowery hats predominating early in the afternoon, but gradually, from mysterious regions of lockers and shower-baths below, joined by men in white flannels and tennis-shoes.
Edith"s and my table was popular that day. I had been away from Hilton for so long that a lot of our friends gathered about us to welcome me home. I was chatting away to a half dozen of them, when I saw two men strolling up from the seventeenth green. One of the men was Breckenridge Sewall. I glanced over the rim of my cup the second time to make certain. Yes, it was Breck--the same old blase, dissipated-looking Breck. I had thought he was still in Europe. To reach the eighteenth tee the men had to pa.s.s within ten feet of the terrace. My back would be toward them. I didn"t know if a second opportunity would be offered me. Gra.s.smere, the Sewall estate, was not open this year. Breck might be gone by the next day. I happened at the time to be talking about a certain tennis tournament with a man who had been an eye-witness. I rose and put down my cup of tea.
"Come over and tell me about it, please," I said, smiling upon him.
"I"ve finished. Take my chair, Phyllis," I added sweetly to a young girl standing near. "Do, dear. Mr. Call and I are going to decorate the bal.u.s.trade."
I selected a prominent position beside a huge earthen pot of flowering geraniums. It was a low bal.u.s.trade with a flat top, designed to sit upon. I leaned back against the earthen jar and proceeded to appear engrossed in tennis. Really, though, I was wondering if Breck would see me after all, and what I should say if he did.
What I did say was conventional enough--simply, "Why, how do you do," to his eager, "h.e.l.lo, Miss Vars!" while I shook hands with him as he stood beneath me on the ground.
"Saw you on Fifth Avenue a week ago," he went on, "hiking for some place in a taxi. Lost you in the crowd at Forty-second. Thought you might be rounding up here before long. So decided I"d run up and say howdy. Look here, wait for me, will you? I"ve got only one hole more to play. Do.
Wait for me. I"ll see that you get home all right."
Edith returned alone in the automobile that afternoon.
"I"ll come along later," I explained mysteriously.
She hadn"t seen Breck, thank heaven! She would have been sure to have blundered into a dinner invitation, or some such form of effusion. But she surmised that something unusual was in the air, and was watching for me from behind lace curtains in the living-room when I returned two hours later. She saw a foreign-made car whirl into the drive and stop at the door. She saw me get out of it and run up the front steps. The features of the man behind the big mahogany steering-wheel could be discerned easily. When I opened the front door my sister-in-law was in the vestibule. She grasped me by both my arms just above my elbows.
"Breck Sewall!" she e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed. "My dear! Breck Sewall again!"
The ecstasy of her voice, the enthusiasm of those hands of hers grasping my arms soothed my hurt feelings of a week ago. I was led tenderly--almost worshipfully--upstairs to my room.
"I believe he is as crazy as ever about you," Edith exclaimed, once behind closed doors. "I honestly think"--she stopped abruptly--"What if----" she began again, then excitedly kissed me. "You little wonder!"
she said. "There"s no one in the whole family to match you. I"ll wager you could become a veritable gateway for us all to pa.s.s into New York society if you wanted to. You"re a marvel--you are! Tell me about it."
Her eyes sparkled as she gazed upon me. I realized in a flash just what the splendid thing was that I might do. Of course! How simple! I might marry Breck!
"Well," I said languidly, gazing at my reflection in the mirror and replacing a stray lock, "I suppose I"d rather be a gateway than a fifth wheel."
The next time that Breck asked me to marry him, I didn"t call him absurd. I was older now. I must put away my dolls and air-castles. The time had come, it appeared, for me to a.s.sume a woman"s burdens, among which often is an expedient marriage. I could no longer offer my tender years as an excuse for side-stepping a big opportunity. I musn"t falter. The moment had arrived. I accepted Breck, and down underneath a pile of stockings in the back of my lowest bureau drawer I hid a little velvet-lined jewel-box, inside of which there lay an enormous diamond solitaire--promise of my brilliant return to the footlights.
CHAPTER VII
THE MILLIONS WIN
Some people cannot understand how a girl can marry a man she doesn"t love. She can do it more easily than she can stay at home, watch half her friends marry, and feel herself slowly ossifying into something worthless and unessential. It takes more courage to sit quietly, wait for what may never come, and observe without misgiving the man you might have had making some other woman"s life happy and complete.
I couldn"t go on living in guest-rooms forever. I was tired of traveling, and sick to death of leading a life that meant nothing to anybody but Dandy. As a debutante I had had a distinct mission--whether worthy or unworthy isn"t the point in question--worked for it hard, schemed, devised, and succeeded. As Mrs. Breckenridge Sewall I could again accomplish results. Many women marry simply because they cannot endure an arid and purposeless future.
Some people think that a girl who marries for position is hard and calculating. Why, I entered into my engagement in the exalted mood of a martyr! I didn"t feel hard--I felt self-sacrificing, like a girl in royal circles whose marriage may distinguish herself and her people to such an extent that the mere question of her own personal feelings is of small importance. The more I considered marrying Breck the more convinced I became that it was the best thing I could do. With my position placed upon my brow, like a crown on a king, freed at last from all the mean and besmirching tricks of acquiring social distinction, I could grow and expand. When I looked ahead and saw myself one day mistress of Gra.s.smere, the London house, the grand mansion in New York; wise and careful monitor of the Sewall millions; gracious hostess; kind ruler; I felt as nearly religious as ever before in my life. I meant to do good with my wealth and position and influence. Is that hard and calculating?
I accepted Breck"s character and morals as a candidate chosen for the honorable office of governor of a state must accept the condition of politics, whether they are clean or rotten. Clean politics are the exception. So also are clean morals. I knew enough for that. Way back in boarding-school days, we girls had resigned ourselves to the acceptance of the deplorable state of the world"s morals. We had statistics. I had dimly hoped that one of the exceptions to the rule might fall to my lot, but if not, I wasn"t going to be prudish.
Breck"s early career could neither surprise nor alarm me. I, like most girls in this frank and open age, had been prepared for it. So when Lucy, who is anything but worldly wise, and Will, her husband, who is a scientist and all brains, came bearing frenzied tales of Breck"s indiscretions during his one year at the university where Will is now located, I simply smiled. Some people are so terribly nave and unsophisticated!
The family"s att.i.tude toward my engagement was consistent--deeply impressed, but tainted with disapproval. Tom came way on from Wisconsin to tell me how contemptible it was for a girl to marry for position, even for so amazingly a distinguished one. Elise, his wife, penned me a long letter on the emptiness of power and wealth. Malcolm wrote he hoped I knew what I was getting into, and supposed after I became Mrs. Breckenridge Sewall I"d feel too fine to recognize him, should we meet on Fifth Avenue. Oliver was absolutely "flabbergasted"
at first, he wrote, but must confess it would save a lot of expense for the family, if they could stop with Brother Breck when they came down to New York. "How"d you pull it off, Toots?" he added. "Hope little Cupid had something to do with it."
Alec waited until Edith had gone to Boston for a day"s shopping, and took me for a long automobile ride. Alec, by the way, is one of this world"s saints. He has always been the member of the Vars family who has resigned himself to circ.u.mstances. It was Tom who went West and made a brilliant future for himself; Alec who remained in Hilton to stand by father"s dying business. It was the twins who were helped to graduate from college in spite of difficulties; Alec who cheerfully gave up his diploma to offer a helping hand at home. When Alec married Edith Campbell it appeared that at last he had come into his own. She was immensely wealthy. Father"s business took a new lease of life. At last Alec was prosperous, but he had to go on adapting and resigning just the same. With the arrival of the Summer Colony Edith"s ambitions burst into life, and of course he couldn"t be a drag on her future--and mine--any more than on Tom"s or the twins". He acquiesced; he fitted in without reproach. Today in regard to my engagement he complained but gently.
"We"re simple New England people after all," he said. "A girl is usually happier married to a man of her own sort. You weren"t born into the kind of life the Sewalls lead. You weren"t born into even the kind of life you"re leading now. Edith--Edith"s fine, of course, and I"ve always been glad you two were so congenial--but she does exaggerate the importance of the social game. She plays it too hard. I don"t want you to marry Sewall. I"m afraid you won"t be happy."
When Edith came home that night I asked her if she knew how Alec felt.
"Of course I do. The dear old fogey! But this is the way I look at it, Ruth. Some people _not_ born into a high place get there just the same through sheer nerve and determination, and others spend their whole worthless lives at home on the farm. It isn"t what a person is born into, but what he is equal to, that decides his success. Mercy, child, don"t let a dear, silly, older brother bother you. Sweet old Al doesn"t know what he"s talking about. I"d like to know what he _would_ advise doing with his little sister, if, after all the talk there is about her and Breck, he could succeed in breaking off her engagement. She"d be just an old glove kicking around. That"s what she"d be. Al is simply crazy. I"ll have to talk to him!"
"Don"t bother," I said, "I"m safe. I have no intention of becoming an old glove."
Possibly in the privacy of my own bed at night, where so often now I lay wide-awake waiting for the dawn, I did experience a few misgivings. But by the time I was ready to go down to breakfast I had usually persuaded myself into sanity again. I used to reiterate all the desirable points about Breck I could think of and calm my fears by dwelling upon the many demands of my nature that he could supply--influence, power, delight in environment, travel, excitement.
When I was a child I was instructed by my drawing-teacher to sketch with my stick of charcoal a vase, a book, and a red rose, which he arranged in a group on a table before me. I had a great deal of difficulty with the rose; so after struggling for about half an hour I got up and, un.o.bserved, put the rose behind the vase, so that only its stem was visible to me. Then I took a fresh page and began again. The result was a very fair portrayal of the articles as they then appeared. So with my ideal of marriage--when I found its arrangement impossible to portray in my life--I simply slipped out of sight that for which the red rose is sometimes the symbol (I mean love) and went ahead sketching in the other things.
I explained all this to Breck one day. I wanted to be honest with him.
"Say, what are you driving at? Red roses! Drawing lessons! What"s that got to do with whether you"ll run down to Boston for dinner with me tonight? You do talk the greatest lot of stuff! But have it your own way. I"m satisfied. Just jump in beside me! Will you? Darn it! I haven"t the patience of a saint!"
CHAPTER VIII
THE HORSE SHOW
Conventions may sometimes appear silly and absurd, but most of them are made for practical purposes. Ignore them and you"ll discover yourself in difficulty. Leave your spoon in your cup and your arm will unexpectedly hit it sometime, and over will go everything on to the tablecloth. If I had not ignored certain conventions I wouldn"t be crying over spilled milk now.
I allowed myself to become engaged to Breck; accepted his ring and hid it in my lowest bureau drawer; told my family my intentions; let the world see me dining, dancing, theater-ing and motoring like mad with Breck and draw its conclusions; and all this, mind you, before I had received a word of any sort whatsoever from my prospective family-in-law. This, as everybody knows, is irregular, and as bad form as leaving your spoon in your cup. No wonder I got into difficulty!
My prospective family-in-law consisted simply of Breck"s mother, Mrs. F.
Rockridge Sewall--a very elegant and perfectly poised woman she seemed to me the one time I had seen her at close range, as she sat at the head of the sumptuous table in the tapestry-hung dining-room at Gra.s.smere. I admired Mrs. Sewall. I used to think that I could succeed in living up to her grand manners with better success than the other rather hoidenish young ladies who chanced to be the guests at Gra.s.smere the time I was there. Mrs. Sewall is a small woman, always dressed in black, with a superb string of pearls invariably about her neck, and lots of brilliant diamonds on her slender fingers. Breck with his heavy features, black hair brushed straight back, eyes half-closed as if he was always riding in a fifty-mile gale, deep guffaw of a laugh, and inelegant speech does not resemble his mother. It is strange, but the picture that I most enjoyed dwelling upon, when I contemplated my future life, was one of myself creeping up Fifth Avenue on late afternoons in the Sewalls" crested automobile, seated, not beside Breck, but in intimate conversation beside my aristocratic mother-in-law.
As humiliating as it was to me to continue engaged to a man from whose mother there had been made no sign of welcome or approval, I did so because Breck plead that Mrs. Sewall was on the edge of a nervous break-down, and to announce any startling piece of news to her at such a time would be unwise. I was foolish enough to believe him. I deceived myself into thinking that my course was allowable and self-respecting.
Breck used to run up from New York to Hilton in his car for Sunday; and sometimes during the week, in his absurd eagerness, he would dash up to our door and ring the bell as late as eleven o"clock, simply because he had been seized with a desire to bid me good-night.