"I went to the side of the ship. Beating my clenched fists on the woodwork, seemed to help a little. Then--I looked over.
"We were surging along through the darkness. I could see the white foam on the waves, far down below.
"Then--Diana, dare I tell you all?--then the black waters tempted me. I was alone up there. It would mean only one headlong plunge--then silence and oblivion. G.o.d forgive me, that in the agony of that moment of Time, I forgot Eternity.
"But, lifting my eyes, I looked away from those black waters to where--clear on the horizon--shone a star.
"Somehow that star brought you nearer. It was a thing you might be seeing also, on this, our wedding-night. I stood very still and watched it, and it seemed to speak of hope.
I prayed to be forgiven the sin of having harboured, even for a moment, that black, cowardly temptation.
"Then, all at once, I remembered something. May I tell you, my wife, my wife? It cannot harm you, after I am dead, that I should tell you. I remembered that you had laid your hand for one moment on the pillow in my bunk. At once, I seemed rich beyond compare. _Your_ hand--your own dear hand!
"I ran down quickly, and in five minutes I was lying in the dark, the scent of violets all about me, and my head where your dear hand had rested. And then--G.o.d gave me sleep.
"My wife, I have often had hard times since then; but never so bad as that first night. And, though I have longed for you always, I would not have had less suffering; because, to have suffered less would have been to have loved you less; and to have loved you less would have been unworthy of you, Diana;--of you and of myself.
"But what an outpouring! And I meant to write entirely of bigger and more vital things, in this last letter. Yet I suppose _I love you_ is the most vital thing of all to me; and, when it came to being able to tell you fully, I felt like writing it all down, exactly as it happened. I think you will understand.
"And now about the present.
"I can"t die, miles away from you! Since death has been coming nearer, a grave out here seems to hold such a horror of loneliness. It would be rest, to lie beneath the ground on which your dear feet tread. Also, I am possessed by a yearning so unutterable to see your face once more, that I doubt if I _can_ die, until I have seen it.
"So I am coming back to England, by the quickest route; and, if I live through the journey, I shall get down into the vicinity of Riverscourt somehow, and just once see you drive by. You will not see me, or know that I am near; so I don"t break our compact, Diana. It may be a sick man"s fancy, to think that I can do it; yet I believe I shall pull it through. So, if this comes into your hands, from an English address, you will know that, most likely, before I died, I had my heart"s desire--one sight of your sweet face; and, having had it, I died content.
"Ah, what a difference love--the real thing--makes in a man"s life! G.o.d forgive me, I can"t think or write of my work. Everything has now slipped away, save thoughts of you. However, you know all the rest.
"I am writing to ask you not to write again, as I shall be coming home--only I daren"t give you that, as the reason!
And also to beg of you not to leave England. Think what it would be, if I reached there, only to find you gone!
"And now about the future, my beloved; _your_ future.
"Oh, that picture! You know,--the big one? I can"t put on paper all I thought about it; but--it showed me--I knew at once--that somehow, some one had been teaching you--what love means.
"Diana, don"t misunderstand me! I trust you always, utterly. But we both made a horrible mistake. Our marriage was an unnatural, unlawful thing. It is no fault of yours, if some one--before you knew what was happening--has made you care, in something the way I suddenly found I cared for you.
"And I want to say, that this possibility makes me glad to leave you free--absolutely free, my wife.
"You must always remember that I want you to have the best, and to know the best. And if some happy man who loves you and is worthy can win you, and fill your dear life with the golden joy of loving--why, G.o.d knows, I wouldn"t be such a dog in the manger, as to begrudge you that joy, or to wish to stand between.
"So don"t give me a thought, if it makes you happier to forget me. Only--if you do remember me sometimes--remember that I have loved you, always, from the very first, with a love which would have gladly lived for you, had that been possible; but, not being possible, gladly dies for you, that you--at last--may have the best.
"And so, good-bye, my wife.
"Yours ever,
"DAVID RIVERS."
CHAPTER x.x.xVII
"GOOD-NIGHT, DAVID"
When Diana had finished reading David"s letter, she folded it, replaced it in the envelope; rose, laid aside her uniform, slipping on a grey cashmere wrapper, with soft white silk frills at neck and wrists.
Then she pa.s.sed down the stone corridor, and quietly entered the darkened room where David was lying.
A screen was drawn partly round the bed.
A nurse sat, silent and watchful, her eyes upon the pillow.
She rose, as Diana entered, and came forward quickly.
"I am left in charge, Mrs. Rivers," she whispered. "I was to call you at once when I saw the change. The doctors have been gone ten minutes. Sir Deryck expects to return in an hour. He is fetching an ant.i.toxin which he proposes trying, if the patient lives until his return. Dr. Walters thinks it useless to attempt anything further. No more strychnine is to be used."
"Thank you," said Diana, gently. "Now you can go into the ward, nurse. I will take charge here. If I want help, I will call. Close the door softly behind you. I wish to be alone."
She stood quite still, while the nurse, after a moment"s hesitation, left the room.
Then she came round to the right side of the bed, knelt down, and drew David into her arms, pillowing his head against her breast. She held him close, resting her cheek upon his tumbled hair, and waited.
At length David sighed, and stirred feebly. Then he opened his eyes.
"Where--am I?" he asked, in a bewildered voice.
"In your wife"s arms," said Diana, slowly and clearly.
"In--my wife"s--arms?" The weak voice, incredulous in its amazed wonder, tore her heart; but she answered, unfaltering:
"Yes, David. In your wife"s arms. Don"t you feel them round you? Don"t you feel her heart beating beneath your cheek? You were found unconscious in the train, and they brought you to the Hospital of the Holy Star, where, thank G.o.d, I chanced to be. My darling, can you understand what I am saying? Oh, David, try to listen! Don"t go, until I have told you. David--I have read your letter; the letter you carried in your breast-pocket. But, oh darling, it has been the same with me as with you! I have loved you and longed for you all the time. Ever since you called me your wife on the boat, ever since our wedding-evening, I have loved you, my Boy, my darling--loved you, and wanted you. David, can you understand?"
"Loved--loved _me_?" he said. Then he lay quite still, as if striving to take in so unbelievable a thing. Then he laughed--a little low laugh, half laugh, half sob--a sound unutterably happy, yet piteously weak.
And, lifting his wasted hand, he touched her lips; then, for very weakness, let it fall upon her breast.
"Tell me--again," whispered David.
She told him again; low and tenderly, as a mother might croon to her sick child, Diana told again the story of her love; and, bending over, she saw the radiance of the smile upon that dying face. She knew he understood.
"Darling, it was love for you which brought the look you saw in the photograph. There was no other man. There never will be, David."
"I want you--to have--the best," whispered David, with effort.
"This _is_ the best, my dearest, my own," she answered, firmly. "To hold you in my arms, at last--at last. David, David; they would have been hungry always, if you had not come back. Now they will try to be content."