""Bring new sticks!" he cried, and looking round, he saw me. a.s.suming an air of not knowing me, and with a ferocious, angry frown, he hastily turned away. I felt so utterly ashamed that I didn"t know where to look.
It was as if I had been detected in a disgraceful act. I dropped my eyes, and quickly hurried home. All the way I had the drums beating and the fifes whistling in my ears. And I heard the words, "Brothers, have mercy on me!" or "Will you pat him? Will you?" My heart was full of physical disgust that was almost sickness. So much so that I halted several times on my way, for I had the feeling that I was going to be really sick from all the horrors that possessed me at that sight. I do not remember how I got home and got to bed. But the moment I was about to fall asleep I heard and saw again all that had happened, and I sprang up.
""Evidently he knows something I do not know," I thought about the colonel. "If I knew what he knows I should certainly grasp--understand--what I have just seen, and it would not cause me such suffering."
"But however much I thought about it, I could not understand the thing that the colonel knew. It was evening before I could get to sleep, and then only after calling on a friend and drinking till I; was quite drunk.
"Do you think I had come to the conclusion that the deed I had witnessed was wicked? Oh, no. Since it was done with such a.s.surance, and was recognised by every one as indispensable, they doubtless knew something which I did not know. So I thought, and tried to understand. But no matter, I could never understand it, then or afterwards. And not being able to grasp it, I could not enter the service as I had intended. I don"t mean only the military service: I did not enter the Civil Service either. And so I have been of no use whatever, as you can see."
"Yes, we know how useless you"ve been," said one of us. "Tell us, rather, how many people would be of any use at all if it hadn"t been for you."
"Oh, that"s utter nonsense," said Ivan Vasilievich, with genuine annoyance.
"Well; and what about the love affair?
"My love? It decreased from that day. When, as often happened, she looked dreamy and meditative, I instantly recollected the colonel on the parade ground, and I felt so awkward and uncomfortable that I began to see her less frequently. So my love came to naught. Yes; such chances arise, and they alter and direct a man"s whole life," he said in summing up. "And you say . . ."
ALYOSHA THE POT
ALYOSHA was the younger brother. He was called the Pot, because his mother had once sent him with a pot of milk to the deacon"s wife, and he had stumbled against something and broken it. His mother had beaten him, and the children had teased him. Since then he was nicknamed the Pot.
Alyosha was a tiny, thin little fellow, with ears like wings, and a huge nose. "Alyosha has a nose that looks like a dog on a hill!" the children used to call after him. Alyosha went to the village school, but was not good at lessons; besides, there was so little time to learn. His elder brother was in town, working for a merchant, so Alyosha had to help his father from a very early age. When he was no more than six he used to go out with the girls to watch the cows and sheep in the pasture, and a little later he looked after the horses by day and by night. And at twelve years of age he had already begun to plough and to drive the cart. The skill was there though the strength was not. He was always cheerful. Whenever the children made fun of him, he would either laugh or be silent. When his father scolded him he would stand mute and listen attentively, and as soon as the scolding was over would smile and go on with his work. Alyosha was nineteen when his brother was taken as a soldier. So his father placed him with the merchant as a yard-porter.
He was given his brother"s old boots, his father"s old coat and cap, and was taken to town. Alyosha was delighted with his clothes, but the merchant was not impressed by his appearance.
"I thought you would bring me a man in Simeon"s place," he said, scanning Alyosha; "and you"ve brought me THIS! What"s the good of him?"
"He can do everything; look after horses and drive. He"s a good one to work. He looks rather thin, but he"s tough enough. And he"s very willing."
"He looks it. All right; we"ll see what we can do with him."
So Alyosha remained at the merchant"s.
The family was not a large one. It consisted of the merchant"s wife: her old mother: a married son poorly educated who was in his father"s business: another son, a learned one who had finished school and entered the University, but having been expelled, was living at home: and a daughter who still went to school.
They did not take to Alyosha at first. He was uncouth, badly dressed, and had no manner, but they soon got used to him. Alyosha worked even better than his brother had done; he was really very willing. They sent him on all sorts of errands, but he did everything quickly and readily, going from one task to another without stopping. And so here, just as at home, all the work was put upon his shoulders. The more he did, the more he was given to do. His mistress, her old mother, the son, the daughter, the clerk, and the cook--all ordered him about, and sent him from one place to another.
"Alyosha, do this! Alyosha, do that! What! have you forgotten, Alyosha?
Mind you don"t forget, Alyosha!" was heard from morning till night. And Alyosha ran here, looked after this and that, forgot nothing, found time for everything, and was always cheerful.
His brother"s old boots were soon worn out, and his master scolded him for going about in tatters with his toes sticking out. He ordered another pair to be bought for him in the market. Alyosha was delighted with his new boots, but was angry with his feet when they ached at the end of the day after so much running about. And then he was afraid that his father would be annoyed when he came to town for his wages, to find that his master had deducted the cost of the boots.
In the winter Alyosha used to get up before daybreak. He would chop the wood, sweep the yard, feed the cows and horses, light the stoves, clean the boots, prepare the samovars and polish them afterwards; or the clerk would get him to bring up the goods; or the cook would set him to knead the bread and clean the saucepans. Then he was sent to town on various errands, to bring the daughter home from school, or to get some olive oil for the old mother. "Why the devil have you been so long?" first one, then another, would say to him. Why should they go? Alyosha can go.
"Alyosha! Alyosha!" And Alyosha ran here and there. He breakfasted in s.n.a.t.c.hes while he was working, and rarely managed to get his dinner at the proper hour. The cook used to scold him for being late, but she was sorry for him all the same, and would keep something hot for his dinner and supper.
At holiday times there was more work than ever, but Alyosha liked holidays because everybody gave him a tip. Not much certainly, but it would amount up to about sixty kopeks [1s 2d]--his very own money. For Alyosha never set eyes on his wages. His father used to come and take them from the merchant, and only scold Alyosha for wearing out his boots.
When he had saved up two roubles [4s], by the advice of the cook he bought himself a red knitted jacket, and was so happy when he put it on, that he couldn"t close his mouth for joy. Alyosha was not talkative; when he spoke at all, he spoke abruptly, with his head turned away.
When told to do anything, or asked if he could do it, he would say yes without the smallest hesitation, and set to work at once.
Alyosha did not know any prayer; and had forgotten what his mother had taught him. But he prayed just the same, every morning and every evening, prayed with his hands, crossing himself.
He lived like this for about a year and a half, and towards the end of the second year a most startling thing happened to him. He discovered one day, to his great surprise, that, in addition to the relation of usefulness existing between people, there was also another, a peculiar relation of quite a different character. Instead of a man being wanted to clean boots, and go on errands and harness horses, he is not wanted to be of any service at all, but another human being wants to serve him and pet him. Suddenly Alyosha felt he was such a man.
He made this discovery through the cook Ustinia. She was young, had no parents, and worked as hard as Alyosha. He felt for the first time in his life that he--not his services, but he himself--was necessary to another human being. When his mother used to be sorry for him, he had taken no notice of her. It had seemed to him quite natural, as though he were feeling sorry for himself. But here was Ustinia, a perfect stranger, and sorry for him. She would save him some hot porridge, and sit watching him, her chin propped on her bare arm, with the sleeve rolled up, while he was eating it. When he looked at her she would begin to laugh, and he would laugh too.
This was such a new, strange thing to him that it frightened Alyosha.
He feared that it might interfere with his work. But he was pleased, nevertheless, and when he glanced at the trousers that Ustinia had mended for him, he would shake his head and smile. He would often think of her while at work, or when running on errands. "A fine girl, Ustinia!" he sometimes exclaimed.
Ustinia used to help him whenever she could, and he helped her. She told him all about her life; how she had lost her parents; how her aunt had taken her in and found a place for her in the town; how the merchant"s son had tried to take liberties with her, and how she had rebuffed him.
She liked to talk, and Alyosha liked to listen to her. He had heard that peasants who came up to work in the towns frequently got married to servant girls. On one occasion she asked him if his parents intended marrying him soon. He said that he did not know; that he did not want to marry any of the village girls.
"Have you taken a fancy to some one, then?"
"I would marry you, if you"d be willing."
"Get along with you, Alyosha the Pot; but you"ve found your tongue, haven"t you?" she exclaimed, slapping him on the back with a towel she held in her hand. "Why shouldn"t I?"
At Shrovetide Alyosha"s father came to town for his wages. It had come to the ears of the merchant"s wife that Alyosha wanted to marry Ustinia, and she disapproved of it. "What will be the use of her with a baby?"
she thought, and informed her husband.
The merchant gave the old man Alyosha"s wages.
"How is my lad getting on?" he asked. "I told you he was willing."
"That"s all right, as far as it goes, but he"s taken some sort of nonsense into his head. He wants to marry our cook. Now I don"t approve of married servants. We won"t have them in the house."
"Well, now, who would have thought the fool would think of such a thing?" the old man exclaimed. "But don"t you worry. I"ll soon settle that."
He went into the kitchen, and sat down at the table waiting for his son.
Alyosha was out on an errand, and came back breathless.
"I thought you had some sense in you; but what"s this you"ve taken into your head?" his father began.
"I? Nothing."
"How, nothing? They tell me you want to get married. You shall get married when the time comes. I"ll find you a decent wife, not some town hussy."
His father talked and talked, while Alyosha stood still and sighed. When his father had quite finished, Alyosha smiled.
"All right. I"ll drop it."
"Now that"s what I call sense."
When he was left alone with Ustinia he told her what his father had said. (She had listened at the door.)
"It"s no good; it can"t come off. Did you hear? He was angry--won"t have it at any price."
Ustinia cried into her ap.r.o.n.