"Those are the cardinal rules--church and work until you"ve landed your heiress. After that you can move back to civilisation.... Now as soon as you strike your town you want to make arrangements for board and lodging in some old woman"s house--preferably an old maid. You"ll be sure to find at least half a dozen of "em, willing to take boarders, but you want to be equally sure to pick out the one that talks the most, so that she"ll tell the neighbours all about you. Don"t worry about that, though, they all talk. When you"ve moved In, stock up your room with about twenty of the driest-looking books in the world--law books look most imposing; fix up a table with lots of stationery--pens and pencils, red and black ink and all that sort of thing; make the room look as if you were the most sincere student ever. And by no means neglect to have a well-worn Bible prominently in evidence: you can buy one second-hand at some book-store before you start out."
"I"d have to, of course. I thank you for the flattery. Proceed with the programme of the gay, mad life I must lead. I"m going to have a swell time: that"s perfectly plain."
"As soon as you"re shaken down in your room, make the rounds of the stores and ask for work. Try and get into the dry-goods emporium if you can: the girls all shop there. But anything will do, except a grocery or a hardware store and places like that. You mustn"t consider any employment that would soil your clothes or roughen your lily-white hands."
"You expect me to believe I"d have any chance of winning a millionaire"s daughter if I were a ribbon-clerk in a dry-goods store?"
"The best in the world. The ribbon-clerk is her social equal; he calls her Mary and she calls him Joe."
"Done with you: me for the ribbon counter. Anything else?"
"The storekeepers aren"t apt to employ you at first; they"ll be suspicious of you."
"They will be afterwards, all right. However--?"
"So you must simply call on them--walk in, locate the boss and tell him: "I"m looking for employment." Don"t press it; just say it and get out."
"No trouble whatever about that; it"s always that way when I ask for work."
"They"ll send for you before long, when they make up their minds that you"re a decent, moral young man; for they know you"ll draw trade. And every Sunday--"
"I know: church!"
"Absolutely.... Pick out the one the rich folks go to. Go in quietly and do just as they do: stand up and kneel, look up the hymns and sing, just when they do. Be careful not to sing too loud, or anything like that: just do it all modestly, as if you were used to it. Better go to church here two or three times and get the hang of it...."
"Here, now--"
"Nearly all the wealthy codgers in such towns are deacons, you see, and though they may not speak to you for months on the street, it"s their business to waylay you after the service is over and shake hands with you and tell you they hope you enjoyed the sermon and ask you to come again. And you can bank on it, they"ll all take notice from the first."
"It"s no wonder Bartlett made you a partner, Harry."
"Now behave. I want you to get in right. ... If you follow the rules I"ve outlined, not only will all the girls in town be falling over themselves to get to you first, but their fond parents will be egging them on. Then all you"ve got to do is to pick out the one with the biggest bundle and--"
"Make a play for her?"
"Not on your life. That would be fatal. Your part is to put yourself in her way. She"ll do all the courting, and when she scents the psychological moment she"ll do the proposing."
"It doesn"t sound natural, but you certainly seem to know what you"re drooling about."
"You can anchor to that, Nat."
"And are you finished?"
"I am. Of course I"ll probably think of more things to wise you to, before you go."
Duncan laughed shortly and tilted back in his chair, selecting another cigarette. "And you"re the chap who wanted me to go to some bromidic old show to-night! Harry, you"re immense. Why didn"t you ever let me suspect you had all this romantic imagination in your system?"
"Imagination be blowed, son. This is business." Kellogg removed the stopper from the decanter and filled both gla.s.ses again. "Well, what do you say?"
"I"ve just said my say, Harry. It"s amazing; I"m proud of you."
"But will you do it?"
"Everything else aside, how can I? I"ve got to live, you know."
"But I propose to stake you."
Duncan came down to earth. "No, you won"t; not a cent. I"m in earnest about this thing: no more sponging on you, Harry. Besides--"
"No, seriously, Nat: I mean this, every word of it. I want you to do it--to please me, if you like; I"ve a notion something will come of it.
And I believe from the bottom of my heart there"s not the slightest risk if you"ll play the cards as they fall, according to Hoyle."
"Harry, I believe you do."
"I do, firmly. And I"ll put the proposition on a business basis, if you like."
"Go on; there"s no holding you."
"You start out to-morrow and order your war kit. Get everything you need, and plenty of it, and have the bills sent to me. You can be ready inside a fortnight. The day you start I"ll advance you five hundred dollars. When you"re married you can repay me the amount of the advances with interest at ten per cent, and I"ll consider it a mighty good deal for myself. Now, will you?"
"You mean it?"
"Every word of it. Well?"
For a moment longer Duncan hesitated; then the vision of what he must return to, otherwise, decided him. In desperation he accepted. "It"s a drowning man"s straw," he said, a little breathlessly. "I"m sure I shouldn"t. But I will."
Kellogg flung a hand across the table, palm uppermost.
"Word of honour, Nat?"
Duncan let his hand fall into it. "Word of honour! I"ll see it through."
"Good! It"s a bargain." Kellogg lifted his gla.s.s high in air. "To the fortune hunter!" he cried, half laughing.
Duncan nervously fingered the stem of his gla.s.s. "G.o.d help the future Mrs. Duncan!" he said, and drank.
IV
TRIUMPH OF MR. HOMER LITTLEJOHN
The twenty-first of June was a day of memorable triumph to me, a day of memorable events for Radville.
Only the evening previous Will Bigelow and I had indulged in acrimonious argument in the office of the Bigelow House, the subject of contention being the importance of the work to which I am devoting my declining years, to wit, the recording of _The History of Radville Township, Westerly County, Pennsylvania_; Will maintaining with that obstinacy for which he is famous, that nothing ever had happened, does happen, can or will happen in our community, I insisting gently but firmly that it knows no day unmarked by important occurrence (for it would ill become me, as the only literary man in Radville, to yield a point in dispute with the proprietor of the town tavern). Besides, he was wrong, even as I was indisputably right--only he had not the grace to admit it. We ended vulgarly with a bet, Will wagering me the best five-cent Clear Havana in the Bigelow House sample-room that nothing worth mentioning would take place in Radville before sundown of the following day.
I left him, returning to my room at Miss Carpenter"s (Will and I are old friends, but I refuse to eat the food he serves his guests), warmed by the prospect of certain triumph if a little appalled by the prospect of winning the stake; and sympathising a little with Will, who, for all his egregious stubborness, has some excuse for upholding his unreasonable and ridiculous views. He knows no better, having never had the opportunity to find out for himself how utterly absurd are his claims for the outside world. Whereas I have.