I"ve not a-had one since before the war. A kind lady brought me in that bit of "eather; "tes wonderful sweet stuff when the "oney"s in et. When I was a little gell I used to zet in the "eather gatherin"
the whorts, an" me little mouth all black wi" eatin" them. "Twas in the "eather I used to zet, Sundays, courtin". All flesh is gra.s.s-- an" "tesn"t no bad thing--gra.s.s.
PRESS. [Writing] "The old paganism of the country." What is your view of life, Mrs. Lemmy?
LEMMY. [Suddenly] Wot is "er voo of life? Shall I tell yer mine?
Life"s a disease--a blinkin" oak-apple! Daon"t myke no mistyke. An"
"umen life"s a yumourous disease; that"s all the difference. Why-- wot else can it be? See the bloomin" promise an" the blighted performance--different as a "eadline to the noos inside. But yer couldn"t myke Muvver see vat--not if yer talked to "er for a wok.
Muvver still believes in fings. She"s a country gell; at a "undred and fifty she"ll be a country gell, won"t yer, old lydy?
MRS. L. Well, "tesn"t never been "ome to me in London. I lived in the country forty year--I did my lovin" there; I burried father therr. Therr bain"t nothin" in life, yu know, but a bit o" lovin"-- all said an" done; bit o" lovin", with the wind, an" the stars out.
LEMMY. [In a loud apologetic whisper] She "yn"t often like this. I told yer she"d got a glawss o" port in "er.
MRS. L. "Tes a brave pleasure, is lovin". I likes to zee et in young folk. I likes to zee "em kissin"; shows the "eart in "em.
"Tes the "eart makes the world go round; "tesn"t nothin" else, in my opinion.
PRESS. [Writing] "--sings the swan song of the heart."----
MRS. L. [Overhearing] No, I never yeard a swan sing--never! But I tell "ee what I "eve "eard; the Bells singin" in th" orchard "angin"
up the clothes to dry, an" the cuckoos callin" back to "em.
[Smiling] There"s a-many songs in the country-the "eart is freelike in th" country!
LEMMY. [Soto voce] Gi" me the Strand at ar" past nine.
PRESS. [Writing] "Town and country----"
MRS. L. "Tidn"t like that in London; one day"s jest like another.
Not but what therr"s a "eap o" kind"eartedness "ere.
LEMMY. [Gloomily] Kind-"eartedness! I daon"t fink "Boys an" Gells come out to play."
[He plays the old tune on his fiddle.]
MRS. L. [Singing] "Boys an" Gells come out to play. The mune is shinin" bright as day." [She laughs] I used to sing like a lark when I was a gell.
[LITTLE AIDA enters.]
L. AIDA. There"s "undreds follerin" the corfin. "Yn"t you goin", Mr. Lemmy--it"s dahn your wy!
LEMMY. [Dubiously] Well yus--I s"pose they"ll miss me.
L. AIDA. Aoh! Tyke me!
PRESS. What"s this?
LEMMY. The revolution in "Yde Pawk.
PRESS. [Struck] In Hyde Park? The very thing. I"ll take you down.
My taxi"s waiting.
L. AIDA. Yus; it"s breathin" "ard, at the corner.
PRESS. [Looking at his watch] Ah! and Mrs. Lemmy. There"s an Anti-Sweating Meeting going on at a house in Park Lane. We can get there in twenty minutes if we shove along. I want you to tell them about the trouser-making. You"ll be a sensation!
LEMMY. [To himself] Sensytion! "E cawn"t keep orf it!
MRS. L. Anti-Sweat. Poor fellers! I "ad one come to see we before the war, an" they"m still goin" on? Wonderful, an"t it?
PRESS. Come, Mrs. Lemmy; drive in a taxi, beautiful moonlit night; and they"ll give you a splendid cup of tea.
MRS. L. [Unmoved] Ah! I cudn"t never du without my tea. There"s not an avenin" but I thinks to meself: Now, me dear, yu"ve a-got one more to fennish, an" then yu"ll "eve yore cup o" tea. Thank you for callin", all the same.
LEMMY. Better sicc.u.mb to the temptytion, old lydy; joyride wiv the Press; marble floors, pillars o" gold; conscientious footmen; lovely lydies; scuppers runnin" tea! An" the revolution goin" on across the wy. "Eaven"s nuffink to Pawk Lyne.
PRESS. Come along, Mrs. Lemmy!
MRS. L. [Seraphically] Thank yu,--I"m a-feelin" very comfortable.
"Tes wonderful what a drop o" wine"ll du for the stomach.
PRESS. A taxi-ride!
MRS. L. [Placidly] Ah! I know"em. They"m very busy things.
LEMMY. Muvver shuns notority. [Sotto voce to THE PRESS] But you watch me! I"ll rouse "er.
[He takes up his fiddle and sits on the window seat. Above the little houses on the opposite side of the street, the moon has risen in the dark blue sky, so that the cloud shaped like a beast seems leaping over it. LEMMY plays the first notes of the Ma.r.s.eillaise. A black cat on the window-sill outside looks in, hunching its back. LITTLE AIDA barks at her. MRS. LEMMY struggles to her feet, sweeping the empty dish and spoon to the floor in the effort.]
The dish ran awy wiv the spoon! That"s right, old lydy! [He stops playing.]
MRS. L. [Smiling, and moving her hands] I like a bit o" music. It du that move "ee.
PRESS. Bravo, Mrs. Lemmy. Come on!
LEMMY. Come on, old dear! We"ll be in time for the revolution yet.
MRS. L. "Tes "earin" the Old "Undred again!
LEMMY. [To THE PRESS] She "yn"t been aht these two years. [To his mother, who has put up her hands to her head] Nao, never mind yer "at. [To THE PRESS] She "yn"t got none! [Aloud] No West-End lydy wears anyfink at all in the evenin"!
MRS. L. "Ow"m I lukin", Bob?
LEMMY. First-clawss; yer"ve got a colour fit to toast by. We"ll show "em yer"ve got a kick in yer. [He takes her arm] Little Aida, ketch "old o" the sensytions.
[He indicates the trousers THE PRESS takes MRS. LEMMY"S other arm.]
MRS. L. [With an excited little laugh] Quite like a gell!
And, smiling between her son and THE PRESS, she pa.s.ses out; LITTLE AIDA, with a fling of her heels and a wave of the trousers, follows.