LORD W. Can you apply it in theory?
PRESS. I believe it is done. But would you allow yourself to be blown up with impunity?
LORD W. Well, that"s a bit extreme. But I quite sympathise with this chap. Imagine yourself in his shoes. He sees a huge house, all these bottles; us swilling them down; perhaps he"s got a starving wife, or consumptive kids.
PRESS. [Writing and murmuring] Um-m! "Kids."
LORD W. He thinks: "But for the grace of G.o.d, there swill I. Why should that blighter have everything and I nothing?" and all that.
PRESS. [Writing] "And all that." [Eagerly] Yes?
LORD W. And gradually--you see--this contrast--becomes an obsession with him. "There"s got to be an example made," he thinks; and--er-- he makes it, don"t you know?
PRESS. [Writing] Ye-es? And--when you"re the example?
LORD W. Well, you feel a bit blue, of course. But my point is that you quite see it.
PRESS. From the other world. Do you believe in a future life, Lord William? The public took a lot of interest in the question, if you remember, at the time of the war. It might revive at any moment, if there"s to be a revolution.
LORD W. The wish is always father to the thought, isn"t it?
PRESS. Yes! But--er--doesn"t the question of a future life rather bear on your point about kindness? If there isn"t one--why be kind?
LORD W. Well, I should say one oughtn"t to be kind for any motive-- that"s self-interest; but just because one feels it, don"t you know.
PRESS. [Writing vigorously] That"s very new--very new!
LORD W. [Simply] You chaps are wonderful.
PRESS. [Doubtfully] You mean we"re--we"re----
LORD W. No, really. You have such a d---d hard time. It must be perfectly beastly to interview fellows like me.
PRESS. Oh! Not at all, Lord William. Not at all. I a.s.sure you compared with a literary man, it"s--it"s almost heavenly.
LORD W. You must have a wonderful knowledge of things.
PRESS. [Bridling a little] Well--I shouldn"t say that.
LORD W. I don"t see how you can avoid it. You turn your hands to everything.
PRESS. [Modestly] Well--yes, Yes.
LORD W. I say: Is there really going to be a revolution, or are you making it up, you Press?
PRESS. We don"t know. We never know whether we come before the event, or it comes before us.
LORD W. That"s--very deep--very dip. D"you mind lending me your note-book a moment. I"d like to stick that down. All right, I"ll use the other end. [THE PRESS hands it hypnotically.]
LORD W. [Jotting] Thanks awfully. Now what"s your real opinion of the situation?
PRESS. As a man or a Press man?
LORD W. Is there any difference?
PRESS. Is there any connection?
LORD W. Well, as a man.
PRESS. As a man, I think it"s rotten.
LORD W. [Jotting] "Rotten." And as a pressman?
PRESS. [Smiling] Prime.
LORD W. What! Like a Stilton cheese. Ha, ha!
[He is about to write.]
PRESS. My stunt, Lord William. You said that.
[He jots it on his cuff.]
LORD W. But look here! Would you say that a strong press movement would help to quiet the country?
PRESS. Well, as you ask me, Lord William, I"ll tell you. No newspapers for a month would do the trick.
LORD W. [Jotting] By Jove! That"s brilliant.
PRESS. Yes, but I should starve. [He suddenly looks up, and his eyes, like gimlets, bore their way into LORD WILLIAM"S pleasant, troubled face] Lord William, you could do me a real kindness.
Authorise me to go and interview the fellow who left the bomb here; I"ve got his address. I promise you to do it most discreetly. Fact is--well--I"m in low water. Since the war we simply can"t get sensation enough for the new taste. Now, if I could have an article headed: "Bombed and Bomber"--sort of double interview, you know, it"d very likely set me on my legs again. [Very earnestly] Look!
[He holds out his frayed wristbands.]
LORD W. [Grasping his hand] My dear chap, certainly. Go and interview this blighter, and then bring him round here. You can do that for one. I"d very much like to see him, as a matter of fact.
PRESS. Thanks awfully; I shall never forget it. Oh! might I have my note-book?
[LORD WILLIAM hands it back.]
LORD W. And look here, if there"s anything--when a fellow"s fortunate and another"s not----
[He puts his hand into his breast pocket.]
PRESS. Oh, thank you! But you see, I shall have to write you up a bit, Lord William. The old aristocracy--you know what the public still expects; if you were to lend me money, you might feel----
LORD W. By Jove! Never should have dreamt----
PRESS. No! But it wouldn"t do. Have you a photograph of yourself.