x.x.xIV
ONCE or twice, in the days that followed, Justine found herself thinking that she had never known happiness before. The old state of secure well-being seemed now like a dreamless sleep; but this new bliss, on its sharp pinnacle ringed with fire--this thrilling conscious joy, daily and hourly s.n.a.t.c.hed from fear--this was living, not sleeping!
Wyant acknowledged her gift with profuse, almost servile thanks. She had sent it without a word--saying to herself that pity for his situation made it possible to ignore his baseness. And the days went on as before.
She was not conscious of any change, save in the heightened, almost artificial quality of her happiness, till one day in March, when Mr.
Langhope announced that he was going for two or three weeks to a friend"s shooting-box in the south. The anniversary of Bessy"s death was approaching, and Justine knew that at that time he always absented himself.
"Supposing you and Amherst were to carry off Cicely till I come back?
Perhaps you could persuade him to break away from work for once--or, if that"s impossible, you could take her with you to Hanaford. She looks a little pale, and the change would be good for her."
This was a great concession on Mr. Langhope"s part, and Justine saw the pleasure in her husband"s face. It was the first time that his father-in-law had suggested Cicely"s going to Hanaford.
"I"m afraid I can"t break away just now, sir," Amherst said, "but it will be delightful for Justine if you"ll give us Cicely while you"re away."
"Take her by all means, my dear fellow: I always sleep on both ears when she"s with your wife."
It was nearly three months since Justine had left Hanaford--and now she was to return there alone with her husband! There would be hours, of course, when the child"s presence was between them--or when, again, his work would keep him at the mills. But in the evenings, when Cicely was in bed--when he and she sat alone, together in the Westmore drawing-room--in Bessy"s drawing-room!... No--she must find some excuse for remaining away till she had again grown used to the idea of being alone with Amherst. Every day she was growing a little more used to it; but it would take time--time, and the full a.s.surance that Wyant was silenced. Till then she could not go back to Hanaford.
She found a pretext in her own health. She pleaded that she was a little tired, below par...and to return to Hanaford meant returning to hard work; with the best will in the world she could not be idle there. Might she not, she suggested, take Cicely to Tuxedo or Lakewood, and thus get quite away from household cares and good works? The pretext rang hollow--it was so unlike her! She saw Amherst"s eyes rest anxiously on her as Mr. Langhope uttered his prompt a.s.sent. Certainly she did look tired--Mr. Langhope himself had noticed it. Had he perhaps over-taxed her energies, left the household too entirely on her shoulders? Oh, no--it was only the New York air...like Cicely, she pined for a breath of the woods.... And so, the day Mr. Langhope left, she and Cicely were packed off to Lakewood.
They stayed there a week: then a fit of restlessness drove Justine back to town. She found an excuse in the constant rain--it was really useless, as she wrote Mr. Langhope, to keep the child imprisoned in an over-heated hotel while they could get no benefit from the outdoor life.
In reality, she found the long lonely hours unendurable. She pined for a sight of her husband, and thought of committing Cicely to Mrs. Ansell"s care, and making a sudden dash for Hanaford. But the vision of the long evenings in the Westmore drawing-room again restrained her. No--she would simply go back to New York, dine out occasionally, go to a concert or two, trust to the usual demands of town life to crowd her hours with small activities.... And in another week Mr. Langhope would be back and the days would resume their normal course.
On arriving, she looked feverishly through the letters in the hall. None from Wyant--that fear was allayed! Every day added to her rea.s.surance. By this time, no doubt, he was on his feet again, and ashamed--unutterably ashamed--of the threat that despair had wrung from him. She felt almost sure that his shame would keep him from ever attempting to see her, or even from writing again.
"A gentleman called to see you yesterday, madam--he would give no name,"
the parlour-maid said. And there was the sick fear back on her again!
She could hardly control the trembling of her lips as she asked: "Did he leave no message?"
"No, madam: he only wanted to know when you"d be back."
She longed to return: "And did you tell him?" but restrained herself, and pa.s.sed into the drawing-room. After all, the parlour-maid had not described the caller--why jump to the conclusion that it was Wyant?
Three days pa.s.sed, and no letter came--no sign. She struggled with the temptation to describe Wyant to the servants, and to forbid his admission. But it would not do. They were nearly all old servants, in whose eyes she was still the intruder, the upstart sick-nurse--she could not wholly trust them. And each day she felt a little easier, a little more convinced that the unknown visitor had not been Wyant.
On the fourth day she received a letter from Amherst. He hoped to be back on the morrow, but as his plans were still uncertain he would telegraph in the morning--and meanwhile she must keep well, and rest, and amuse herself....
Amuse herself! That evening, as it happened, she was going to the theatre with Mrs. Ansell. She and Mrs. Ansell, though outwardly on perfect terms, had not greatly advanced in intimacy. The agitated, decentralized life of the older woman seemed futile and trivial to Justine; but on Mr. Langhope"s account she wished to keep up an appearance of friendship with his friend, and the same motive doubtless inspired Mrs. Ansell. Just now, at any rate, Justine was grateful for her attentions, and glad to go about with her. Anything--anything to get away from her own thoughts! That was the pa.s.s she had come to.
At the theatre, in a proscenium box, the publicity, the light and movement, the action of the play, all helped to distract and quiet her.
At such moments she grew ashamed of her fears. Why was she tormenting herself? If anything happened she had only to ask her husband for more money. She never spoke to him of her good works, and there would be nothing to excite suspicion in her asking help again for the friend whose secret she was pledged to keep.... But nothing was going to happen. As the play progressed, and the stimulus of talk and laughter flowed through her veins, she felt a complete return of confidence. And then suddenly she glanced across the house, and saw Wyant looking at her.
He sat rather far back, in one of the side rows just beneath the balcony, so that his face was partly shaded. But even in the shadow it frightened her. She had been prepared for a change, but not for this ghastly deterioration. And he continued to look at her.
She began to be afraid that he would do something conspicuous--point at her, or stand up in his seat. She thought he looked half-mad--or was it her own hallucination that made him appear so? She and Mrs. Ansell were alone in the box for the moment, and she started up, pushing back her chair....
Mrs. Ansell leaned forward. "What is it?"
"Nothing--the heat--I"ll sit back for a moment." But as she withdrew into the back of the box, she was seized by a new fear. If he was still watching, might he not come to the door and try to speak to her? Her only safety lay in remaining in full view of the audience; and she returned to Mrs. Ansell"s side.
The other members of the party came back--the bell rang, the foot-lights blazed, the curtain rose. She lost herself in the mazes of the play. She sat so motionless, her face so intently turned toward the stage, that the muscles at the back of her neck began to stiffen. And then, quite suddenly, toward the middle of the act, she felt an undefinable sense of relief. She could not tell what caused it--but slowly, cautiously, while the eyes of the others were intent upon the stage, she turned her head and looked toward Wyant"s seat. It was empty.
Her first thought was that he had gone to wait for her outside. But no--there were two more acts: why should he stand at the door for half the evening?
At last the act ended; the entr"acte elapsed; the play went on again--and still the seat was empty. Gradually she persuaded herself that she had been mistaken in thinking that the man who had occupied it was Wyant. Her self-command returned, she began to think and talk naturally, to follow the dialogue on the stage--and when the evening was over, and Mrs. Ansell set her down at her door, she had almost forgotten her fears.
The next morning she felt calmer than for many days. She was sure now that if Wyant had wished to speak to her he would have waited at the door of the theatre; and the recollection of his miserable face made apprehension yield to pity. She began to feel that she had treated him coldly, uncharitably. They had been friends once, as well as fellow-workers; but she had been false even to the comradeship of the hospital. She should have sought him out and given him sympathy as well as money; had she shown some sign of human kindness his last letter might never have been written.
In the course of the morning Amherst telegraphed that he hoped to settle his business in time to catch the two o"clock express, but that his plans were still uncertain. Justine and Cicely lunched alone, and after luncheon the little girl was despatched to her dancing-cla.s.s. Justine herself meant to go out when the brougham returned. She went up to her room to dress, planning to drive in the park, and to drop in on Mrs.
Ansell before she called for Cicely; but on the way downstairs she saw the servant opening the door to a visitor. It was too late to draw back; and descending the last steps she found herself face to face with Wyant.
They looked at each other a moment in silence; then Justine murmured a word of greeting and led the way to the drawing-room.
It was a snowy afternoon, and in the raw ash-coloured light she thought he looked more changed than at the theatre. She remarked, too, that his clothes were worn and untidy, his gloveless hands soiled and tremulous.
None of the degrading signs of his infirmity were lacking; and she saw at once that, while in the early days of the habit he had probably mixed his drugs, so that the conflicting symptoms neutralized each other, he had now sunk into open morphia-taking. She felt profoundly sorry for him; yet as he followed her into the room physical repulsion again mastered the sense of pity.
But where action was possible she was always self-controlled, and she turned to him quietly as they seated themselves.
"I have been wishing to see you," she said, looking at him. "I have felt that I ought to have done so sooner--to have told you how sorry I am for your bad luck."
He returned her glance with surprise: they were evidently the last words he had expected.
"You"re very kind," he said in a low embarra.s.sed voice. He had kept on his shabby over-coat, and he twirled his hat in his hands as he spoke.
"I have felt," Justine continued, "that perhaps a talk with you might be of more use----"
He raised his head, fixing her with bright narrowed eyes. "I have felt so too: that"s my reason for coming. You sent me a generous present some weeks ago--but I don"t want to go on living on charity."
"I understand that," she answered. "But why have you had to do so? Won"t you tell me just what has happened?"
She felt the words to be almost a mockery; yet she could not say "I read your history at a glance"; and she hoped that her question might draw out his wretched secret, and thus give her the chance to speak frankly.
He gave a nervous laugh. "Just what has happened? It"s a long story--and some of the details are not particularly pretty." He broke off, moving his hat more rapidly through his trembling hands.
"Never mind: tell me."
"Well--after you all left Lynbrook I had rather a bad break-down--the strain of Mrs. Amherst"s case, I suppose. You remember Bramble, the Clifton grocer? Miss Bramble nursed me--I daresay you remember her too.
When I recovered I married her--and after that things didn"t go well."
He paused, breathing quickly, and looking about the room with odd, furtive glances. "I was only half-well, anyhow--I couldn"t attend to my patients properly--and after a few months we decided to leave Clifton, and I bought a practice in New Jersey. But my wife was ill there, and things went wrong again--d.a.m.nably. I suppose you"ve guessed that my marriage was a mistake. She had an idea that we should do better in New York--so we came here a few months ago, and we"ve done decidedly worse."
Justine listened with a sense of discouragement. She saw now that he did not mean to acknowledge his failing, and knowing the secretiveness of the drug-taker she decided that he was deluded enough to think he could still deceive her.
"Well," he began again, with an attempt at jauntiness, "I"ve found out that in my profession it"s a hard struggle to get on your feet again, after illness or--or any bad set-back. That"s the reason I asked you to say a word for me. It"s not only the money, though I need that badly--I want to get back my self-respect. With my record I oughtn"t to be where I am--and you can speak for me better than any one."
"Why better than the doctors you"ve worked with?" Justine put the question abruptly, looking him straight in the eyes.