"Laugh," said Deegan. "Shure you"re as funny to me as I am to you."
Eugene laughed again. The Irishman agreed with himself that there was humor in it. He laughed too. Eugene patted his big rough shoulder with his hands and they were friends immediately. It did not take Deegan long to find out from Big John why he was there and what he was doing.
"An arrtist!" he commented. "Shewer he"d better be outside than in. The loikes of him packin" shavin"s and him laughin" at me."
Big John smiled.
"I believe he wants to get outside," he said.
"Why don"t he come with me, then? He"d have a foine time workin" with the guineas. Shewer "twould make a man av him--a few months of that"--and he pointed to Angelo Esposito shoveling clay.
Big John thought this worth reporting to Eugene. He did not think that he wanted to work with the guineas, but he might like to be with Deegan. Eugene saw his opportunity. He liked Deegan.
"Would you like to have an artist who"s looking for health come and work for you, Deegan?" Eugene asked genially. He thought Deegan might refuse, but it didn"t matter. It was worth the trial.
"Shewer!" replied the latter.
"Will I have to work with the Italians?"
"There"ll be plenty av work for ye to do without ever layin" yer hand to pick or shovel unless ye want to. Shewer that"s no work fer a white man to do."
"And what do you call them, Deegan? Aren"t they white?"
"Shewer they"re naat."
"What are they, then? They"re not black."
"Nagurs, of coorse."
"But they"re not negroes."
"Will, begad, they"re naat white. Any man kin tell that be lookin" at thim."
Eugene smiled. He understood at once the solid Irish temperament which could draw this hearty conclusion. There was no malice in it. Deegan did not underestimate these Italians. He liked his men, but they weren"t white. He didn"t know what they were exactly, but they weren"t white. He was standing over them a moment later shouting, "Up with it! Up with it! Down with it! Down with it!" as though his whole soul were intent on driving the last sc.r.a.p of strength out of these poor underlings, when as a matter of fact they were not working very hard at all. His glance was roving about in a general way as he yelled and they paid little attention to him. Once in a while he would interpolate a "Come, Matt!" in a softer key--a key so soft that it was entirely out of keeping with his other voice. Eugene saw it all clearly. He understood Deegan.
"I think I"ll get Mr. Haverford to transfer me to you, if you"ll let me come," he said at the close of the day when Deegan was taking off his overalls and the "Eyetalians," as he called them, were putting the things back in the car.
"Shewer!" said Deegan, impressed by the great name of Haverford. If Eugene could accomplish that through such a far-off, wondrous personality, he must be a remarkable man himself. "Come along. I"ll be glad to have ye. Ye can just make out the O. K. blanks and the repoarts and watch over the min sich times as I"ll naat be there and--well--all told, ye"ll have enough to keep ye busy."
Eugene smiled. This was a pleasant prospect. Big John had told him during the morning that Deegan went up and down the road from Peekskill on the main line, Chatham on the Midland Division, and Mt. Kisco on a third branch to New York City. He built wells, culverts, coal bins, building piers--small brick buildings--anything and everything, in short, which a capable foreman-mason ought to be able to build, and in addition he was fairly content and happy in his task. Eugene could see it. The atmosphere of the man was wholesome. He was like a tonic--a revivifying dynamo to this sickly overwrought sentimentalist.
That night he went home to Angela full of the humor and romance of his new situation. He liked the idea of it. He wanted to tell her about Deegan--to make her laugh. He was destined unfortunately to another kind of reception.
For Angela, by this time, had endured the agony of her discovery to the breaking point. She had listened to his pretences, knowing them to be lies, until she could endure it no longer. In following him she had discovered nothing, and the change in his work would make the chase more difficult. It was scarcely possible for anyone to follow him, for he himself did not know where he would be from day to day. He would be here, there, and everywhere. His sense of security as well as of his unfairness made him sensitive about being nice in the unimportant things. When he thought at all he was ashamed of what he was doing--thoroughly ashamed. Like the drunkard he appeared to be mastered by his weakness, and the psychology of his att.i.tude is so best interpreted. He caressed her sympathetically, for he thought from her drawn, weary look that she was verging on some illness. She appeared to him to be suffering from worry for him, overwork, or approaching malady.
But Eugene in spite of his unfaithfulness did sympathize with Angela greatly. He appreciated her good qualities--her truthfulness, economy, devotion and self-sacrifice in all things which related to him. He was sorry that his own yearning for freedom crossed with her desire for simple-minded devotion on his part. He could not love her as she wanted him to, that he knew, and yet he was at times sorry for it, very. He would look at her when she was not looking at him, admiring her industry, her patience, her pretty figure, her geniality in the face of many difficulties, and wish that she could have had a better fate than to have met and married him.
Because of these feelings on his part for her he could not bear to see her suffer. When she appeared to be ill he could not help drawing near to her, wanting to know how she was, endeavoring to make her feel better by those sympathetic, emotional demonstrations which he knew meant so much to her. On this particular evening, noting the still drawn agony of her face, he was moved to insist. "What"s the matter with you, Angelface, these days? You look so tired. You"re not right. What"s troubling you?"
"Oh, nothing," replied Angela wearily.
"But I know there is," he replied. "You can"t be feeling well. What"s ailing you? You"re not like yourself at all. Won"t you tell me, sweet? What"s the trouble?"
He was thinking because Angela said nothing that it must be a real physical illness. Any emotional complaint vented itself quickly.
"Why should you care?" she asked cautiously, breaking her self-imposed vow of silence. She was thinking that Eugene and this woman, whoever she was, were conspiring to defeat her and that they were succeeding. Her voice had changed from one of weary resignation to subtle semi-concealed complaint and offense, and Eugene noted it. Before she could add any more, he had observed, "Why shouldn"t I? Why, how you talk! What"s the matter now?"
Angela really did not intend to go on. Her query was dragged out of her by his obvious sympathy. He was sorry for her in some general way. It made her pain and wrath all the greater. And his additional inquiry irritated her the more.
"Why should you?" she asked weepingly. "You don"t want me. You don"t like me. You pretend sympathy when I look a little bad, but that"s all. But you don"t care for me. If you could get rid of me, you would. That is so plain."
"Why, what are you talking about?" he asked, astonished. Had she found out anything? Was the incident of the sc.r.a.ps of paper really closed? Had anybody been telling her anything about Carlotta? Instantly he was all at sea. Still he had to pretend.
"You know I care," he said. "How can you say that?"
"You don"t. You know you don"t!" she flared up suddenly. "Why do you lie? You don"t care. Don"t touch me. Don"t come near me. I"m sick of your hypocritical pretences! Oh!" And she straightened up with her finger nails cutting into her palms.
Eugene at the first expression of disbelief on her part had laid his hand soothingly on her arm. That was why she had jumped away from him. Now he drew back, nonplussed, nervous, a little defiant. It was easier to combat rage than sorrow; but he did not want to do either.
"What"s the matter with you?" he asked, a.s.suming a look of bewildered innocence. "What have I done now?"
"What haven"t you done, you"d better ask. You dog! You coward!" flared Angela. "Leaving me to stay out in Wisconsin while you go running around with a shameless woman. Don"t deny it! Don"t dare to deny it!"--this apropos of a protesting movement on the part of Eugene"s head--"I know all! I know more than I want to know. I know how you"ve been acting. I know what you"ve been doing. I know how you"ve been lying to me. You"ve been running around with a low, vile wretch of a woman while I have been staying out in Blackwood eating my heart out, that"s what you"ve been doing. Dear Angela! Dear Angelface! Dear Madonna Doloroso! Ha! What have you been calling her, you lying, hypocritical coward! What names have you for her, Hypocrite! Brute! Liar! I know what you"ve been doing. Oh, how well I know! Why was I ever born?--oh, why, why?"
Her voice trailed off in a wail of agony. Eugene stood there astonished to the point of inefficiency. He could not think of a single thing to do or say. He had no idea upon what evidence she based her complaint. He fancied that it must be much more than had been contained in that little note which he had torn up. She had not seen that--of that he was reasonably sure--or was he? Could she have taken it out of the box while he was in the bath and then put it back again? This sounded like it. She had looked very bad that night. How much did she know? Where had she secured this information? Mrs. Hibberdell? Carlotta? No! Had she seen her? Where? When?
"You"re talking through your hat," he said aimlessly and largely in order to get time. "You"re crazy! What"s got into you, anyhow? I haven"t been doing anything of the sort."
"Oh, haven"t you!" she sneered. "You haven"t been meeting her at bridges and road houses and street cars, have you? You liar! You haven"t been calling her "Ashes of Roses" and "River Nymph" and "Angel Girl."" Angela was making up names and places out of her own mind. "I suppose you used some of the pet names on her that you gave to Christina Channing, didn"t you? She"d like those, the vile strumpet! And you, you dog, pretending to me--pretending sympathy, pretending loneliness, pretending sorrow that I couldn"t be here! A lot you cared what I was doing or thinking or suffering. Oh, I hate you, you horrible coward! I hate her! I hope something terrible happens to you. If I could get at her now I would kill her and you both--and myself. I would! I wish I could die! I wish I could die!"
Eugene was beginning to get the measure of his iniquity as Angela interpreted it. He could see now how cruelly he had hurt her. He could see now how vile what he was doing looked in her eyes. It was bad business--running with other women--no doubt of it. It always ended in something like this--a terrible storm in which he had to sit by and hear himself called brutal names to which there was no legitimate answer. He had heard of this in connection with other people, but he had never thought it would come to him. And the worst of it was that he was guilty and deserving of it. No doubt of that. It lowered him in his own estimation. It lowered her in his and her own because she had to fight this way. Why did he do it? Why did he drag her into such a situation? It was breaking down that sense of pride in himself which was the only sustaining power a man had before the gaze of the world. Why did he let himself into these situations? Did he really love Carlotta? Did he want pleasure enough to endure such abuse as this? This was a terrible scene. And where would it end? His nerves were tingling, his brain fairly aching. If he could only conquer this desire for another type and be faithful, and yet how dreadful that seemed! To confine himself in all his thoughts to just Angela! It was not possible. He thought of these things, standing there enduring the brunt of this storm. It was a terrible ordeal, but it was not wholly reformatory even at that.
"What"s the use of your carrying on like that, Angela?" he said grimly, after he had listened to all this. "It isn"t as bad as you think. I"m not a liar, and I"m not a dog! You must have pieced that note I threw in the paper box together and read it. When did you do it?"
He was curious about that and about how much she knew. What were her intentions in regard to him? What in regard to Carlotta? What would she do next?
"When did I do it?" she replied. "When did I do it? What has that to do with it? What right have you to ask? Where is this woman, that"s what I want to know? I want to find her. I want to face her. I want to tell her what a wretched beast she is. I"ll show her how to come and steal another woman"s husband. I"ll kill her. I"ll kill her and I"ll kill you, too. Do you hear? I"ll kill you!" And she advanced on him defiantly, blazingly.
Eugene was astounded. He had never seen such rage in any woman. It was wonderful, fascinating, something like a great lightning-riven storm. Angela was capable of hurling thunderbolts of wrath. He had not known that. It raised her in his estimation--made her really more attractive than she would otherwise have been, for power, however displayed, is fascinating. She was so little, so grim, so determined! It was in its way a test of great capability. And he liked her for it even though he resented her abuse.
"No, no, Angela," he said sympathetically and with a keen wish to alleviate her sorrow. "You would not do anything like that. You couldn"t!"
"I will! I will!" she declared. "I"ll kill her and you, too!"
And then having reached this tremendous height she suddenly broke. Eugene"s big, sympathetic understanding was after all too much for her. His brooding patience in the midst of her wrath, his innate sorrow for what he could not or would not help (it was written all over his face), his very obvious presentation of the fact by his att.i.tude that he knew that she loved him in spite of this, was too much for her. It was like beating her hands against a stone. She might kill him and this woman, whoever she was, but she would not have changed his att.i.tude toward her, and that was what she wanted. A great torrent of heart-breaking sobs broke from her, shaking her frame like a reed. She threw her arms and head upon the kitchen table, falling to her knees, and cried and cried. Eugene stood there contemplating the wreck he had made of her dreams. Certainly it was h.e.l.l, he said to himself; certainly it was. He was a liar, as she said, a dog, a scoundrel. Poor little Angela! Well, the damage had been done. What could he do now? Anything? Certainly not. Not a thing. She was broken--heart-broken. There was no earthly remedy for that. Priests might shrive for broken laws, but for a broken heart what remedy was there?
"Angela!" he called gently. "Angela! I"m sorry! Don"t cry! Angela!! Don"t cry!"
But she did not hear him. She did not hear anything. Lost in the agony of her situation, she could only sob convulsively until it seemed that her pretty little frame would break to pieces.
CHAPTER XXIX.
Eugene"s feelings on this occasion were of reasonable duration. It is always possible under such circ.u.mstances to take the victim of our brutalities in our arms and utter a few sympathetic or repentant words. The real kindness and repentance which consists in reformation is quite another matter. One must see with eyes too pure to behold evil to do that. Eugene was not to be reformed by an hour or many hours of agony on anyone"s part. Angela was well within the range of his sympathetic interests. He suffered with her keenly, but not enough to outrun or offset his own keen desire for what he considered his spiritual right to enjoy beauty. What harm did it do, he would have asked himself, if he secretly exchanged affectionate looks and feelings with Carlotta or any other woman who fascinated him and in turn was fascinated by him? Could an affinity of this character really be called evil? He was not giving her any money which Angela ought to have, or very little. He did not want to marry her--and she really did not want to marry him, he thought--there was no chance of that, anyhow. He wanted to a.s.sociate with her. And what harm did that do Angela? None, if she did not know. Of course, if she knew, it was very sad for her and for him. But, if the shoe were on the other foot, and Angela was the one who was acting as he was acting now he would not care, he thought. He forgot to add that if he did not care it would be because he was not in love, and Angela was in love. Such reasoning runs in circles. Only it is not reasoning. It is sentimental and emotional anarchy. There is no will toward progress in it.
When Angela recovered from her first burst of rage and grief it was only to continue it further, though not in quite the same vein. There can only be one superlative in any field of endeavor. Beyond that may be mutterings and thunderings or a shining after-glow, but no second superlative. Angela charged him with every weakness and evil tendency, only to have him look at her in a solemn way, occasionally saying: "Oh, no! You know I"m not as bad as that," or "Why do you abuse me in that way? That isn"t true," or "Why do you say that?"
"Because it is so, and you know it"s so," Angela would declare.
"Listen, Angela," he replied once, with a certain amount of logic, "there is no use in brow-beating me in this way. It doesn"t do any good to call me names. You want me to love you, don"t you? That"s all that you want. You don"t want anything else. Will calling me names make me do it? If I can"t I can"t, and if I can I can. How will fighting help that?"
She listened to him pitifully, for she knew that her rage was useless, or practically so. He was in the position of power. She loved him. That was the sad part of it. To think that tears and pleadings and wrath might not really avail, after all! He could only love her out of a desire that was not self-generated. That was something she was beginning to see in a dim way as a grim truth.
Once she folded her hands and sat white and drawn, staring at the floor. "Well, I don"t know what to do," she declared. "I suppose I ought to leave you. If it just weren"t for my family! They all think so highly of the marriage state. They are so naturally faithful and decent. I suppose these qualities have to be born in people. They can"t be acquired. You would have to be made over."
Eugene knew she would not leave him. He smiled at the superior condescension of the last remark, though it was not intended as such by her. To think of his being made over after the model Angela and her relatives would lay down!
"I don"t know where I"d go or what I"d do," she observed. "I can"t go back to my family. I don"t want to go there. I haven"t been trained in anything except school teaching, and I hate to think of that again. If I could only study stenography or book-keeping!" She was talking as much to clear her own mind as his. She really did not know what to do.
Eugene listened to this self-demonstrated situation with a shamed face. It was hard for him to think of Angela being thrown out on the world as a book-keeper or a stenographer. He did not want to see her doing anything like that. In a way, he wanted to live with her, if it could be done in his way--much as the Mormons might, perhaps. What a lonely life hers would be if she were away from him! And she was not suited to it. She was not suited to the commercial world--she was too homey, too housewifely. He wished he could a.s.sure her now that she would not have further cause for grief and mean it, but he was like a sick man wishing he could do the things a hale man might. There was no self-conviction in his thoughts, only the idea that if he tried to do right in this matter he might succeed, but he would be unhappy. So he drifted.
In the meanwhile Eugene had taken up his work with Deegan and was going through a very curious experience. At the time Deegan had stated that he would take him he had written to Haverford, making a polite request for transfer, and was immediately informed that his wishes would be granted. Haverford remembered Eugene kindly. He hoped he was improving. He understood from inquiry of the Superintendent of Buildings that Deegan was in need of a capable a.s.sistant, anyhow, and that Eugene could well serve in that capacity. The foreman was always in trouble about his reports. An order was issued to Deegan commanding him to receive Eugene, and another to Eugene from the office of the Superintendent of Buildings ordering him to report to Deegan. Eugene went, finding him working on the problem of constructing a coal bin under the depot at Fords Centre, and raising as much storm as ever. He was received with a grin of satisfaction.
"So here ye arre. Will, ye"re just in time. I want ye to go down to the ahffice."
Eugene laughed. "Sure," he said. Deegan was down in a freshly excavated hole and his clothes were redolent of the freshly turned earth which surrounded him. He had a plumb bob in his hand and a spirit level, but he laid them down. Under the neat train shed to which he crawled when Eugene appeared and where they stood, he fished from a pocket of his old gray coat a soiled and crumpled letter which he carefully unfolded with his thick and clumsy fingers. Then he held it up and looked at it defiantly.
"I want ye to go to Woodlawn," he continued, "and look after some bolts that arre theyer--there"s a keg av thim--an" sign the bill fer thim, an" ship thim down to me. They"re not miny. An" thin I waant ye to go down to the ahffice an" take thim this O. K." And here he fished around and produced another crumpled slip. "It"s nonsinse!" he exclaimed, when he saw it. "It"s onraisonable! They"re aalways yillen fer thim O. K. blanks. Ye"d think, begad, I was goin" to steal thim from thim. Ye"d think I lived on thim things. O. K. blanks, O. K. blanks. From mornin" "til night O. K. blanks. It"s nonsinse! It"s onraisonable!" And his face flushed a defiant red.
Eugene could see that some infraction of the railroad"s rules had occurred and that Deegan had been "called down," or "jacked up" about it, as the railroad men expressed it. He was in a high state of dudgeon--as defiant and pugnacious as his royal Irish temper would allow.
"I"ll fix it," said Eugene. "That"s all right. Leave it to me."
Deegan showed some signs of approaching relief. At last he had a man of "intilligence," as he would have expressed it. He flung a parting shot though at his superior as Eugene departed.
"Tell thim I"ll sign fer thim when I git thim and naat before!" he rumbled.
Eugene laughed. He knew no such message would be accepted, but he was glad to give Deegan an opportunity to blow off steam. He entered upon his new tasks with vim, pleased with the out-of-doors, the sunshine, the opportunity for brief trips up and down the road like this. It was delightful. He would soon be all right now, that he knew.
He went to Woodlawn and signed for the bolts; went to the office and met the chief clerk (delivering the desired O. K. blanks in person) who informed him of the chief difficulty in Deegan"s life. It appeared that there were some twenty-five of these reports to be made out monthly, to say nothing of endless O. K. blanks to be filled in with acknowledgments of material received. Everything had to be signed for in this way, it mattered not whether it was a section of a bridge or a single bolt or a pound of putty. If a man could sit down and reel off a graphic report of what he was doing, he was the pride of the chief clerk"s heart. His doing the work properly was taken as a matter of course. Deegan was not efficient at this, though he was a.s.sisted at times by his wife and all three of his children, a boy and two girls. He was constantly in hot water.
"My G.o.d!" exclaimed the chief clerk, when Eugene explained that Deegan had thought that he might leave the bolts at the station where they would be safe until he needed them and then sign for them when he took them out. He ran his hands distractedly through his hair. "What do you think of that?" he exclaimed. "He"ll leave them there until he needs them, will he? What becomes of my reports? I"ve got to have those O. K."s. You tell Deegan he ought to know better than that; he"s been long enough on the road. You tell him that I said that I want a signed form for everything consigned to him the moment he learns that it"s waiting for him. And I want it without fail. Let him go and get it. The gall! He"s got to come to time about this, or something"s going to drop. I"m not going to stand it any longer. You"d better help him in this. I"ve got to make out my reports on time."
Eugene agreed that he would. This was his field. He could help Deegan. He could be really useful.
Time pa.s.sed. The weather grew colder, and while the work was interesting at first, like all other things it began after a time to grow monotonous. It was nice enough when the weather was fine to stand out under the trees, where some culvert was being built to bridge a small rivulet or some well to supply the freight engines with water, and survey the surrounding landscape; but when the weather grew colder it was not so nice. Deegan was always interesting. He was forever raising a ruction. He lived a life of hard, narrow activity laid among boards, wheelbarrows, cement, stone, a life which concerned construction and had no particular joy in fruition. The moment a thing was nicely finished they had to leave it and go where everything would be torn up again. Eugene used to look at the wounded ground, the piles of yellow mud, the dirty Italians, clean enough in their spirit, but soiled and gnarled by their labor, and wonder how much longer he could stand it. To think that he, of all men, should be here working with Deegan and the guineas! He became lonesome at times--terribly, and sad. He longed for Carlotta, longed for a beautiful studio, longed for a luxurious, artistic life. It seemed that life had wronged him terribly, and yet he could do nothing about it. He had no money-making capacity.
About this time the construction of a rather pretentious machine shop, two hundred by two hundred feet and four storeys high was a.s.signed to Deegan, largely because of the efficiency which Eugene contributed to Deegan"s work. Eugene handled his reports and accounts with rapidity and precision, and this so soothed the division management that they had an opportunity to see Deegan"s real worth. The latter was beside himself with excitement, antic.i.p.ating great credit and distinction for the work he was now to be permitted to do.
""Tis the foine time we"ll have, Eugene, me bye," he exclaimed, "puttin" up that buildin". "Tis no culvert we"ll be afther buildin" now. Nor no coal bin. Wait till the masons come. Then ye"ll see somethin"."
Eugene was pleased that their work was progressing so successfully, but of course there was no future in it for him. He was lonely and disheartened.
Besides, Angela was complaining, and rightfully enough, that they were leading a difficult life--and to what end, so far as she was concerned? He might recover his health and his art (by reason of his dramatic shake-up and changes he appeared to be doing so), but what would that avail her? He did not love her. If he became prosperous again it might be to forsake her, and at best he could only give her money and position if he ever attained these, and how would that help? It was love that she wanted--his love. And she did not have that, or only a mere shadow of it. He had made up his mind after this last fatal argument that he would not pretend to anything he did not feel in regard to her, and this made it even harder. She did believe that he sympathized with her in his way, but it was an intellectual sympathy and had very little to do with the heart. He was sorry for her. Sorry! Sorry! How she hated the thought of that! If he could not do any better than that, what was there in all the years to come but misery?
A curious fact to be noted about this period was that suspicion had so keyed up Angela"s perceptions that she could almost tell, and that without knowing, when Eugene was with Carlotta or had been. There was something about his manner when he came in of an evening, to say nothing of those subtler thought waves which pa.s.sed from him to her when he was with Carlotta, which told her instantly where he had been and what he had been doing. She would ask him where he had been and he would say: "Oh, up to White Plains" or "out to Scarborough," but nearly always when he had been with Carlotta she would flare up with, "Yes, I know where you"ve been. You"ve been out again with that miserable beast of a woman. Oh, G.o.d will punish her yet! You will be punished! Wait and see."
Tears would flood her eyes and she would berate him roundly.
Eugene stood in profound awe before these subtle outbreaks. He could not understand how it was that Angela came to know or suspect so accurately. To a certain extent he was a believer in spiritualism and the mysteries of a subconscious mind or self. He fancied that there must be some way of this subconscious self seeing or apprehending what was going on and of communicating its knowledge in the form of fear and suspicion to Angela"s mind. If the very subtleties of nature were in league against him, how was he to continue or profit in this career? Obviously it could not be done. He would probably be severely punished for it. He was half terrified by the vague suspicion that there might be some laws which tended to correct in this way all the abuses in nature. There might be much vice and crime going seemingly unpunished, but there might also be much correction going on, as the suicides and deaths and cases of insanity seemed to attest. Was this true? Was there no escape from the results of evil except by abandoning it entirely? He pondered over this gravely.
Getting on his feet again financially was not such an easy thing. He had been out of touch now so long with things artistic--the magazine world and the art agencies--that he felt as if he might not readily be able to get in touch again. Besides he was not at all sure of himself. He had made sketches of men and things at Speonk, and of Deegan and his gang on the road, and of Carlotta and Angela, but he felt that they were weak in their import--lacking in the force and feeling which had once characterized his work. He thought of trying his hand at newspaper work if he could make any sort of a connection--working in some obscure newspaper art department until he should feel himself able to do better; but he did not feel at all confident that he could get that. His severe breakdown had made him afraid of life--made him yearn for the sympathy of a woman like Carlotta, or of a larger more hopeful, more tender att.i.tude, and he dreaded looking for anything anywhere. Besides he hated to spare the time unless he were going to get somewhere. His work was so pressing. But he knew he must quit it. He thought about it wearily, wishing he were better placed in this world; and finally screwed up his courage to leave this work, though it was not until something else was quite safely in his hands.
CHAPTER x.x.x.
It was only after a considerable lapse of time, when trying to live on nine dollars a week and seeing Angela struggle almost hopelessly in her determination to live on what he earned and put a little aside, that he came to his senses and made a sincere effort to find something better. During all this time he had been watching her narrowly, seeing how systematically she did all her own house work, even under these adverse and trying circ.u.mstances, cooking, cleaning, marketing. She made over her old clothes, reshaping them so that they would last longer and still look stylish. She made her own hats, doing everything in short that she could to make the money in the bank hold out until Eugene should be on his feet. She was willing that he should take money and buy himself clothes when she was not willing to spend it on herself. She was living in the hope that somehow he would reform. Consciousness of what she was worth to him might some day strike him. Still she did not feel that things could ever be quite the same again. She could never forget, and neither could he.
The affair between Eugene and Carlotta, because of the various forces that were militating against it, was now slowly drawing to a close. It had not been able to endure all the storm and stress which followed its discovery. For one thing, Carlotta"s mother, without telling her husband, made him feel that he had good cause to stay about, which made it difficult for Carlotta to act. Besides she charged her daughter constantly, much as Angela was charging Eugene, with the utmost dissoluteness of character and was as constantly putting her on the defensive. She was too hedged about to risk a separate apartment, and Eugene would not accept money from her to pay for expensive indoor entertainment. She wanted to see him but she kept hoping he would get to the point where he would have a studio again and she could see him as a star in his own field. That would be so much nicer.
By degrees their once exciting engagements began to lapse, and despite his grief Eugene was not altogether sorry. To tell the truth, great physical discomfort recently had painted his romantic tendencies in a very sorry light for him. He thought he saw in a way where they were leading him. That there was no money in them was obvious. That the affairs of the world were put in the hands of those who were content to get their life"s happiness out of their management, seemed quite plain. Idlers had nothing as a rule, not even the respect of their fellow men. The licentious were worn threadbare and disgraced by their ridiculous and psychologically diseased propensities. Women and men who indulged in these unbridled relations were sickly sentimentalists, as a rule, and were thrown out or ignored by all forceful society. One had to be strong, eager, determined and abstemious if wealth was to come, and then it had to be held by the same qualities. One could not relax. Otherwise one became much what he was now, a brooding sentimentalist--diseased in mind and body.
So out of love-excitement and poverty and ill health and abuse he was coming to see or thought he was this one fact clearly,--namely that he must behave himself if he truly wished to succeed. Did he want to? He could not say that. But he had to--that was the sad part of it--and since apparently he had to, he would do the best he could. It was grim but it was essential.
At this time Eugene still retained that rather ultra artistic appearance which had characterized his earlier years, but he began to suspect that on this score he was a little bizarre and out of keeping with the spirit of the times. Certain artists whom he met in times past and recently, were quite commercial in their appearance--the very successful ones--and he decided that it was because they put the emphasis upon the hard facts of life and not upon the romance connected with their work. It impressed him and he decided to do likewise, abandoning the flowing tie and the rather indiscriminate manner he had of combing his hair, and thereafter affected severe simplicity. He still wore a soft hat because he thought it became him best, but otherwise he toned himself down greatly. His work with Deegan had given him a sharp impression of what hard, earnest labor meant. Deegan was nothing but a worker. There was no romance in him. He knew nothing about romance. Picks and shovels and mortar boards and concrete forms--such was his life, and he never complained. Eugene remembered commiserating him once on having to get up at four A. M. in order to take a train which would get to work by seven. Darkness and cold made no difference to him, however.
"Shewer, I have to be theyre," he had replied with his quizzical Irish grin. "They"re not payin" me me wages fer lyin" in bed. If ye were to get up that way every day fer a year it would make a man of ye!"
"Oh, no," said Eugene teasingly.
"Oh, yes," said Deegan, "it would. An" yere the wan that"s needin" it. I can tell that by the cut av ye."
Eugene resented this but it stayed by him. Deegan had the habit of driving home salutary lessons in regard to work and abstemiousness without really meaning to. The two were wholly representative of him--just those two things and nothing more.
One day he went down into Printing House Square to see if he could not make up his mind to apply at one of the newspaper art departments, when he ran into Hudson Dula whom he had not seen for a long while. The latter was delighted to see him.