""Mr. Fiddle," says I, "raise the window shade a bit, will you?"
""Biddle," says the young man. "Do you feel like you could eat some ham and eggs, Uncle James?"
""Mr. Mayor," says I, after laying my ear to his right shoulder blade and listening, "you"ve got a bad attack of super-inflammation of the right clavicle of the harpsichord!"
""Good Lord!" says he, with a groan, "Can"t you rub something on it, or set it or anything?"
"I picks up my hat and starts for the door.
""You ain"t going, doc?" says the Mayor with a howl. "You ain"t going away and leave me to die with this--superfluity of the clapboards, are you?"
""Common humanity, Dr. Whoa-ha," says Mr. Biddle, "ought to prevent your deserting a fellow-human in distress."
""Dr. Waugh-hoo, when you get through plowing," says I. And then I walks back to the bed and throws back my long hair.
""Mr. Mayor," says I, "there is only one hope for you. Drugs will do you no good. But there is another power higher yet, although drugs are high enough," says I.
""And what is that?" says he.
""Scientific demonstrations," says I. "The triumph of mind over sarsaparilla. The belief that there is no pain and sickness except what is produced when we ain"t feeling well. Declare yourself in arrears. Demonstrate."
""What is this paraphernalia you speak of, Doc?" says the Mayor. "You ain"t a Socialist, are you?"
""I am speaking," says I, "of the great doctrine of psychic financiering--of the enlightened school of long-distance, sub-conscientious treatment of fallacies and meningitis--of that wonderful in-door sport known as personal magnetism."
""Can you work it, doc?" asks the Mayor.
""I"m one of the Sole Sanhedrims and Ostensible Hooplas of the Inner Pulpit," says I. "The lame talk and the blind rubber whenever I make a pa.s.s at "em. I am a medium, a coloratura hypnotist and a spirituous control. It was only through me at the recent seances at Ann Arbor that the late president of the Vinegar Bitters Company could revisit the earth to communicate with his sister Jane. You see me peddling medicine on the street," says I, "to the poor. I don"t practice personal magnetism on them. I do not drag it in the dust," says I, "because they haven"t got the dust."
""Will you treat my case?" asks the Mayor.
""Listen," says I. "I"ve had a good deal of trouble with medical societies everywhere I"ve been. I don"t practice medicine. But, to save your life, I"ll give you the psychic treatment if you"ll agree as mayor not to push the license question."
""Of course I will," says he. "And now get to work, doc, for them pains are coming on again."
""My fee will be $250.00, cure guaranteed in two treatments," says I.
""All right," says the Mayor. "I"ll pay it. I guess my life"s worth that much."
"I sat down by the bed and looked him straight in the eye.
""Now," says I, "get your mind off the disease. You ain"t sick.
You haven"t got a heart or a clavicle or a funny bone or brains or anything. You haven"t got any pain. Declare error. Now you feel the pain that you didn"t have leaving, don"t you?"
""I do feel some little better, doc," says the Mayor, "darned if I don"t. Now state a few lies about my not having this swelling in my left side, and I think I could be propped up and have some sausage and buckwheat cakes."
"I made a few pa.s.ses with my hands.
""Now," says I, "the inflammation"s gone. The right lobe of the perihelion has subsided. You"re getting sleepy. You can"t hold your eyes open any longer. For the present the disease is checked. Now, you are asleep."
"The Mayor shut his eyes slowly and began to snore.
""You observe, Mr. Tiddle," says I, "the wonders of modern science."
""Biddle," says he, "When will you give uncle the rest of the treatment, Dr. Pooh-pooh?"
""Waugh-hoo," says I. "I"ll come back at eleven to-morrow. When he wakes up give him eight drops of turpentine and three pounds of steak.
Good morning."
"The next morning I was back on time. "Well, Mr. Riddle," says I, when he opened the bedroom door, "and how is uncle this morning?"
""He seems much better," says the young man.
"The mayor"s color and pulse was fine. I gave him another treatment, and he said the last of the pain left him.
""Now," says I, "you"d better stay in bed for a day or two, and you"ll be all right. It"s a good thing I happened to be in Fisher Hill, Mr.
Mayor," says I, "for all the remedies in the cornucopia that the regular schools of medicine use couldn"t have saved you. And now that error has flew and pain proved a perjurer, let"s allude to a cheerfuller subject--say the fee of $250. No checks, please, I hate to write my name on the back of a check almost as bad as I do on the front."
""I"ve got the cash here," says the mayor, pulling a pocket book from under his pillow.
"He counts out five fifty-dollar notes and holds "em in his hand.
""Bring the receipt," he says to Biddle.
"I signed the receipt and the mayor handed me the money. I put it in my inside pocket careful.
""Now do your duty, officer," says the mayor, grinning much unlike a sick man.
"Mr. Biddle lays his hand on my arm.
""You"re under arrest, Dr. Waugh-hoo, alias Peters," says he, "for practising medicine without authority under the State law."
""Who are you?" I asks.
""I"ll tell you who he is," says Mr. Mayor, sitting up in bed. "He"s a detective employed by the State Medical Society. He"s been following you over five counties. He came to me yesterday and we fixed up this scheme to catch you. I guess you won"t do any more doctoring around these parts, Mr. Fakir. What was it you said I had, doc?" the mayor laughs, "compound--well, it wasn"t softening of the brain, I guess, anyway."
""A detective," says I.
""Correct," says Biddle. "I"ll have to turn you over to the sheriff."
""Let"s see you do it," says I, and I grabs Biddle by the throat and half throws him out the window, but he pulls a gun and sticks it under my chin, and I stand still. Then he puts handcuffs on me, and takes the money out of my pocket.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "And I grabs Biddle by the throat."]
""I witness," says he, "that they"re the same bank bills that you and I marked, Judge Banks. I"ll turn them over to the sheriff when we get to his office, and he"ll send you a receipt. They"ll have to be used as evidence in the case."