During the week, I decided to go to the beach. The car ride with Aliya and Rob was an interminable hour of silence and I would have had to say goodbye to what remained of my mother.In my mind, I was uncertain on what would have been the appropriate words. I probably did not know her as well as I thought. She never talked about dad or even mentioned him, however, she wanted to rest where they shared memories and emotions together, an affection which I could never understand, since I did not remember him well. Perhaps there was a small remembrance like his unmistakable smell and spiky beard, which tickled me every time he kissed me on the cheek and now he did not know she was gone or maybe he already died. It would have been plausible for the way she rarely talked about him.
While I walked in the warm sand, I began throwing her ashes. I could feel the wind as it caressed me on this exceptional sunny day, perhaps it tried to remind me that no matter how much I could have suffered, I would have never been truly alone.
I thought constantly of what to say to her, while my heart was inflicted by the thousand stings which tortured me every time one of our memories was brought up. I tried to imagine the many directions this speech would have went if she were here, words which I would not want anyone to hear, even though there could not have been an answer from her sweet voice.
These words, I desired them to be known only by us two, the truth of what my mind constantly thought as I believed having her with cancer was excruciating, barely acceptable to cope with and an injustice for my future and now?
I would have given anything to have her by my side, with the limitless power I had, and it would not have been like one of those cliché moments which made me realise in this instant how life is short, or we fully understand the importance of someone when it could be too late to bring them back. No, it might not be easy to convey in words, however, I was still selfish, perhaps this would be the best way to describe the kind of person I might be, because I still required the love of a mother.
I needed her to be beside me and this must have been the most egotistical thought I could ever have had. My heart as my mind persistently screamed her name, as this was the brute reality which I had to live in. I felt lost in my infinite dark thoughts and I missed her deeply with every small, but painful breath I took.