40.
A woman was shouting at her as if Rebecca was slow-witted.
"It will come when it"s d.a.m.n good and ready, hon. And once it"s out, you won"t give a d.a.m.n what led to it."
In the b.u.mpy rear of the Meltzers" low-slung Chevy sedan Rebecca lay spread-eagled, whimpering with pain. Lightning-flashes of pain. These were contractions, she was supposed to be counting between them yet the surprise of the pain! She was not so self-a.s.sured now. She was not so pleased with herself now. She had intended not even to show Edna Meltzer the baby for she feared and disliked the woman and yet here she was in the Meltzers" car being driven to the hospital in Chautauqua Falls. She"d had to call the Meltzers when the pains began. Tignor had promised her, he would not be away at this time. He had promised her, she would not be alone. She had no number for Tignor and so she"d called the Meltzers. Somehow she was upside-down in the backseat of their car. Seeing the rushing landscape outside the car windows, a strip of white sky, from the bottom up. She would have little memory of this drive except Howie Meltzer in his greasy Esso cap behind the wheel chewing a toothpick and Edna Meltzer grunting as she leaned over the back of the pa.s.senger"s seat to grip one of Rebecca"s flailing hands, smiling sternly to show there was no cause for panic.
"Hon, I told you: it will come when it"s d.a.m.n good and ready. You just get a hold of yourself, I got you."
That hand of Edna Meltzer"s Rebecca squeezed, and squeezed.
...a druggy delirium in which waves of excruciating pain were confused with a sound as of high-pitched frantic singing. She called for the baby"s father but the man was nowhere near. Called and called until her throat was sc.r.a.ped raw but the man was nowhere near. Oh but he had promised, he would be with her! He had promised, she would not be alone when the baby was born. When the first of the contractions began and she"d sunk to her knees in shock, though she"d prepared beforehand like a diligent schoolgirl reading and underlining and memorizing pa.s.sages from Your Body, Your Baby & You. She gripped her enormous belly with both hands. She cried for help but there was no one. And no number to call, to reach Niles Tignor. No idea where he was. In her desperation she did what he had not even needed to forbid her ever to do, called Port Oriskany information, the Black Horse Brewery, a disdainful female voice informed her no one by the name of Niles Tignor was employed by the Brewery at the present time.
But he was! Rebecca protested he"d been working as an agent for the Brewery for years!
A disdainful female voice informed her no one by the name of Niles Tignor was employed by the Brewery at the present time.
She would stumble to the Meltzers" house a quarter-mile away.
She would plead for help, she was alone and had no one.
Her nightgown, toiletries were already packed. And a paperback book for reading in the hospital for in her naivete she had thought there might be leisure time for reading...She would waste precious minutes in a futile search for the Certificate of Marriage in case she had to prove to the Chautauqua Falls Hospital authorities that she was a legally married woman, this birth was legitimate.
...a druggy delirium afterward to be described as eleven hours" labor which she, at its center, would recall vaguely as one might recall a film seen long ago in childhood and even at that time not comprehended. As the baby would afterward be described as boy, eight pounds three ounces. Niles Tignor, Jr. who had not yet a name, as he had not yet drawn breath to cry. A fierce thing shoving its head hard and lethal as a bowling ball bizarrely crammed up inside her. And this bowling ball a phenomenon of solid heat inside which, you would wish to believe, a tiny soul translucent as a creek slug dwelled. Something will happen to you, a girl. You would not want. Now that it was too late, she knew what her mother had warned her against.
...druggy delirium out of which nonetheless she emerged to her astonishment hearing what sounded like a cat"s wail, so strangely in this brightly lighted room. Someone was saying Mrs. Tignor? She blinked to clear her occluded vision. She saw hands placing a naked flailing and kicking infant at first against her flattened, flaccid belly, then up between her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Your baby Mrs. Tignor. Baby boy Mrs. Tignor. Such voices came to her from far away. She scarcely heard. For how hard the infant was crying, that deafening cat-wail! She laughed to see how angry it was, and so small; like its father furious, and dangerous; eyes shut and tiny fists flailing. Puckered monkey-face, soft coconut head covered in coa.r.s.e black hairs. She laughed, she saw the tiny p.e.n.i.s and had to laugh. Oh she"d never seen anything like this baby they were saying was hers! Wanting to joke This one"s daddy must"ve been a monkey! but knowing that such a joke at such a time and place might be misinterpreted.
And already her b.r.e.a.s.t.s were leaking milk, one of the nurses was helping the sucking little mouth find its way.
""Give birth." That"s how a man would talk, I guess! Like "birth" was something it was up to you, to "give." My G.o.d."
So dazed and happy now that she was home from the hospital and had her baby it was like the buzz you got drinking draft beer mixed with bourbon. Loving to nurse the hot-skinned little monkey that was hungry every few hours and as he sucked-sucked-sucked greedily at one fat breast and then the other, she, the new Momma, just wanted to talk-talk-talk. Oh, she had so much to say! Oh, she loved this little monkey! All this was sowild-and-strange!
Edna brought the girl a copy of the Chautauqua Falls Weekly. Turned to the back pages, obituaries, weddings, and birth announcements. There were photos of the newly deceased and the newly wed but none of the new mothers who were identified as their husband"s wives. Rebecca read aloud, ""Mrs. Niles Tignor of Poor Farm Road, Four Corners, gave birth to an eight-pound three-ounce boy, Niles Tignor, Jr. at the Chautauqua Falls General Hospital, November 29."" She laughed, her bright harsh laugh that grated against the ear, and tears leaked from her eyes. Going on and on about giving birth as Edna would report like she was drunk, or worse.
To her credit, this girl Rebecca had not been badly prepared for a new baby, Edna had to concede. She had a good supply of diapers, a few baby clothes. A crib and a baby-bath. She"d been studying some baby pamphlet a doctor had given her. There was food, mostly canned things, in the kitchen. And for sure Edna had castoff baby things at their house, to donate. And Elsie Drott had, too. And other women neighbors, if it came to that. Within a circ.u.mference of as many as four miles, women knew of Rebecca Tignor, some of them without knowing her actual name. A new mother, just a girl. No family, it looks like. The father of the baby just ain"t around. Seems like he"s abandoned her, out in the country. That old Wertenbacher house that"s practically falling down.
If the girl was worried about the future, she wasn"t showing it, yet. This, Edna Meltzer found annoying.
"He left you some money, I guess?"
"Oh, yes! Sure he did."
Edna frowned, as if needing to be convinced.
Oh, Rebecca had had enough of Mrs. Meltzer for right now! Baby had ceased nursing and was drowsing slack-mouthed in her arms, here was a rare opportunity for Momma to nap, too.
Sweet delicious sleep like a stone well you could fall into, and fall and fall.
On an evening in early December, twelve days after their baby was born, there stood Tignor in the doorway of their bedroom, staring. Rebecca heard a faint breathy whistle"Jesus!" Tignor"s face was in shadow, she could not see his expression. He stood very still, wary. For a tense moment Rebecca halfway expected him to turn away. "Tignor. Here." Rebecca lifted the baby to Tignor, smiling. Here was a perfect baby, Tignor would see. It had only just awakened from its nap, staring and blinking at the stranger in the doorway. It began to make its comical blowing noises, bubbles of spittle on its lips. It kicked, flailed its tiny fists. Slowly Tignor came to the bedside, to take the baby from Rebecca. In infant astonishment the baby gaped at Tignor"s face, that must have seemed gigantic and luminous as a moon. Gingerly, Tignor held the baby. Rebecca saw that he knew to cup the small head on its delicate neck. Before entering the house he"d tossed away his cigar yet still he smelled of smoke, the baby began to fret. With his nicotine-stained thumb he stroked the baby"s forehead. "It"s mine, is it?"
41.
Hey you night-owl folks this is Buffalo Radio Wonderful WBEN broadcasting the best in jazz through the wee hours. You are listening to Zack Zacharias your all-night host bringing you up-next vintage Thelonious Monk...She was lying awake in the dark, hands clasped behind her head. Thinking of her life strung out behind her like beads of myriad shapes, in memory crowded, confusing as in life each had been singular, and had defined itself with the slowness of the sun"s trajectory across the sky. You knew the sun was moving yet you never saw it move.
In the room adjoining Rebecca"s bedroom, Niley was sleeping. At least she hoped he was sleeping. In his sleep listening to the radio desperate to be not-alone even in his sleep and desperate to hear his father"s voice amid the voices of strangers. Rebecca was thinking how she"d given birth to Niley without knowing who Niley would be, she"d opened her body to pain so excruciating it could not be recalled in consciousness and so it was exactly as Edna Meltzer had predicted Once it"s out you won"t give a d.a.m.n what led up to it.
She smiled, yes this was so. That was the one true fact of her life.
She"d opened her body, too, to Niles Tignor. Without knowing in the slightest who Niles Tignor was. Except for Niley, this had perhaps been a mistake. And yet, Niley was no mistake.
What she knew of Tignor now, she would never have dared approach the man. Yet she could not leave him, he would never allow it. She could not leave him, her heart clenched in antic.i.p.ation simply of seeing him again.
Hey girl: love me?
Christ you know I"m crazy about you.
At the end of the lane, out on the Poor Farm Road, there was a tin mailbox on a rotted wooden post with the faded black letters WERTENBACHER still visible. No mail ever came for Niles Tignor or his wife except advertis.e.m.e.nts, flyers stuffed into the mailbox. But one day back in March, soon after Rebecca had started working at Niagara Tubing (was there some connection? had to be!), she went to empty the mailbox, and discovered amid the trash mail a neatly folded front page from the Port Oriskany Journal. Fascinated, Rebecca read an article with the headline TWO MEN SLAIN, ONE WOUNDED IN LAKESIDE "AMBUSH": two men had died of gunshot wounds and a third wounded, in the parking lot of a popular Port Oriskany tavern and marina, police had made no arrests yet but had taken into custody one Niles Tignor, forty-two, a resident of Buffalo, as a material witness. The attack was believed by police to be related to extortion and racketeering in the Niagara lakeside area.
Rebecca read and reread the article. Her heart beat hard, she worried she might faint. Niley, who"d come with her to empty the mailbox, fretted and nudged against her legs.
Taken into custody! Forty-two years old! Resident of Buffalo!
"Material witness": what did that mean?
At this time Tignor had been away for a week, in the Catskill area. At least, Rebecca believed that Tignor was in that part of the state: he"d called her, once. The ambush had taken place in late February, three weeks before. So whatever had happened, Tignor had been released.
He had told her nothing about this, of course. Nor could Rebecca remember anything unusual in his manner, his mood.
Maybe in fact Tignor had been in an unusually good mood recently.
He"d driven home in a new car: silver-green Pontiac sedan with gleaming chrome fixtures. Taken his little family, as he called them, for a Sunday outing up at Lake Shaheen...
Rebecca would make inquiries, and learned what "material witness" meant: an individual who police had reason to believe might be helpful in an investigation. In the Chautauqua Falls library she searched through back issues of the Port Oriskany newspaper but could find no further information about the shootings. She called the Port Oriskany police to inquire, and was told that the investigation was still under way, and was confidential"And who are you, ma"am? And why do you want to know?"
Rebecca said, "No one. I"m no one. Thank you."
She hung up, and resolved not to think about it. For what good would come of thinking about it...
(Tignor, forty-two years old: she would have thought him years younger. And a resident of Buffalo: how was that possible! He was a resident of Chautauqua Falls.) (What mattered was: he was Niley"s father, and he was her husband. Whoever Niles Tignor was, they loved him. Rebecca had no right to pry into his life apart from her, that had so preceded her.) It was not quite three years since Tignor had come to this house, and into this bedroom, and held his son in his hands for the first time. A lifetime ago it seemed to Rebecca, yet perhaps it was only a beginning.
It"s mine, is it?
Whose else?Rebecca had needed to make a joke of it, to make them both laugh.
But Tignor hadn"t laughed. Rebecca belatedly guessed you didn"t joke with a man about such things. Tignor frowned, looking as he had when Rebecca had uttered the word wh.o.r.e. Holding the squirming infant in the palm of one hand, staring at its flushed, squeezed-in little face. A long moment pa.s.sed before Tignor smiled, and then laughed.
He"s got my temper, eh? Little p.i.s.spot.
Tignor had told Rebecca he was sorry he"d been away, he had not wanted her to be alone at such a time. He had tried to call her several times but always the line was busy. Sure he"d worried about her, alone in the farmhouse. But he"d known that nothing bad would happen, because they had luck on their side.
Luck! Rebecca smiled.
Tignor had brought back things for the house: a bra.s.s floor lamp with a three-way bulb, a jade ashtray on a carved-elephant pedestal. These were showy items fit for a hotel lobby. For Rebecca, a new lacy champagne-colored negligee to replace the old, that was becoming frayed; a black satin dress with a sequined bodice ("for New Year"s Eve"); a pair of high-heeled kidskin shoes (size six, and Rebecca"s feet were size seven and a half). Rebecca shook her head, seeing it was like Tignor had forgotten she"d been pregnant when he"d driven off. It was like Tignor had forgotten there was a baby coming, entirely.
At first, Tignor was enthralled with his son. He seemed always to be bearing him aloft like a prize. He loved to carry the baby on his shoulders, making Niley kick and squeal with excitement. A warm ruddy glow suffused Tignor"s broad face at such times and Rebecca felt a small pang of jealousy even as she thought I can forgive him anything, for this. They laughed that Niley"s first coherent word wasn"t "Ma-ma" but "Da-da" uttered in a cry of infant astonishment. Though Tignor did not wish to get his hands wet bathing Niley, he loved to towel him dry, vigorously. And he was drawn to watch Rebecca nurse the baby, kneeling beside Rebecca"s chair, bringing his face close to the baby"s eagerly sucking little mouth until at last Tignor could not bear it, he had to kiss and suck at Rebecca"s other breast, so aroused he needed to make love to her...Rebecca was still sore from childbirth but knew she must not say no to this man.
But at such times Tignor often wanted her only to stroke him, swiftly and expediently to o.r.g.a.s.m. His face contorted and shut against her, his teeth bared. He was ashamed afterward, he would dislike his wife for being a witness to such raw animal need. He went away from her, drove away in the car and Rebecca was left wondering when he would be back.
The novelty of the new baby began to fade for Tignor after a few months. Even Niley"s delight in Da-da was not enough. For Niley was a fretful baby, refusing food, rarely sleeping for more than three hours at a time. He was lively, alert, curious, yet easily frightened and made anxious. He had his father"s short temper, but not his father"s a.s.surance. His cries were shrill, deafening. You could not believe that such infant-lungs were capable of such a volume of sound. Rebecca became so deprived of sleep she staggered about dazed and hallucinating. No sooner did Tignor return home than he threatened to leave again. "Nurse him, get him to sleep. You"re his mother for Christ sake."
You"re his mother came to be a familiar utterance. Rebecca did not want to think it was an accusation.
"Mom-my? C"n I sleep with you, Mom-my?"there came Niley wanting to crawl into bed with her.
Rebecca protested, "Oh, sweetie! You have your own bed like a big boy, don"t you?"
But Niley wanted to sleep with Mom-my, he was lonely he said.
There were things in that room with him, that scared him. He wanted to sleep with Mom-my.
Rebecca scolded, "All right for now, but when Daddy is back you won"t be able to sleep here. Daddy won"t spoil you like I do."
She hauled the child up inside the covers. They would snuggle together and drift off to sleep listening to WBEN Radio Wonderful in the next room.
42.
It was the first week of October 1959. Twelve days after the man in the panama hat. Now came less seductively HAZEL JONES HAZEL JONES ARE YOU HAZEL JONES in the clamor and burnt-rubber stink of the a.s.sembly line at Niagara Tubing, Rebecca was beginning to forget.
She was a practical-minded young woman. She was the mother of a small child, she would learn for his sake to forget.
And then, Tignor returned.
She came to the Meltzers" to pick up Niley, and was told by Mrs. Meltzer that Tignor had already been there, he"d taken the boy home.
Rebecca stammered, "Here? Tignor ishere? He"s back?"
Edna Meltzer said yes, Tignor was back. Hadn"t Rebecca known her husband was coming home that day?
It was shameful to Rebecca, to be so exposed. Having to say she had not known. She hated it, that Edna Meltzer should see her confusion, and would speak of her pityingly, to others.
She left the Meltzers" house, she ran the rest of the way home. Her heart knocked in her chest. She had expected Tignor the previous Sunday, and he had not come, and he had not called. She had wished to think that he would come to Niagara Tubing to pick her up and drive her home...Niles Tignor in his shining car, at the curb waiting for her. In the new-model silver-green Pontiac at which others would glance in admiration. There was something wrong here, Rebecca could not think what it was. He has taken Niley away. I will never see Niley again.
But there was the Pontiac parked at the end of the weedy driveway. Inside, there was Tignor"s tall broad-backed figure in the kitchen, with Niley; firing questions at Niley in his ebullient radio-announcer voice"And then? Then what? What"d you do? You and "Mom-my"? Eh?"that meant he was talking but not listening, in an elevated mood. The kitchen smelled of cigar smoke and a fresh-opened ale. Rebecca stepped inside, and was stunned to see that something had happened to Tignor...His head was partially shaved. His beautiful thick metallic hair had been shorn, he looked older, uncertain. His eyes swung onto her, he bared his teeth in a grimace of a smile. "You"re back then, girl, are you? From the factory."
It was one of Tignor"s senseless remarks. Like a boxer"s jab. To throw you off balance, to confuse. There was no way to reply that would not sound guilty or defensive. Rebecca murmured, yes she was back. Every night at this time. She came to Tignor, who had not moved toward her, and slid her arms around him. For days she had had such mutinous thoughts of this man, now she was stricken with emotion, she wanted only to hide her face against him, to burrow into his arms. Niley was jumping about them chattering of Dad-dy, Dad-dy. Dad-dy had bought him presents, did Mommy want to see?
Tignor did not kiss Rebecca, but allowed her to kiss him. His jaws were stubbled. His breath was not fresh. He appeared slightly disoriented, as if he"d come to the wrong house. And possibly he was looking over her head, squinting toward the door as if half-expecting someone else to appear. He was stroking her back and shoulders, rather hard, distracted. "Baby. My girl. You missed your old husband, eh? Did you?" Roughly he pulled off the scarf she"d tied around her hair, shook out her hair that was tangled, not very clean, to fall halfway down her back. "Uh. You smell like burnt rubber." But he laughed, he kissed her after all.
Rebecca hesitated to touch Tignor"s head, stroke his hair, that was so changed. "See you looking at me, eh? s.h.i.t, I had a little accident, over in Albany. Had to have a few st.i.tches."
Tignor showed her, at the back of his head, where his hair had been shaved to the scalp, an ugly raw-looking scab of about five inches in length. Rebecca asked what kind of accident and Tignor said, with a shrug, "The kind that won"t be repeated."
"But, Tignorwhat happened?"
"I said, it won"t be repeated."
Tignor had tossed his valise, suitcase, jacket onto chairs in the kitchen. Rebecca helped him carry these into the bedroom at the rear of the house. This room, to Rebecca the special room of their house, she kept in readiness for her husband"s unpredictable return: the bed was made, and covered with a quilted spread; all her clothes were neatly hung away in a closet; all surfaces were free of dust; there was even a vase of straw flowers on the bureau. Tignor stared at the interior of the room as if he"d never seen it before.
Tignor grunted what sounded like Mmmm!
Tignor pushed Niley outside the bedroom, to whimper at the shut door. Suddenly he was aroused, excited. He half-carried Rebecca to the bed, she was kissing him as he pulled at her clothes and his own, and within minutes he"d discharged his pent-up tension into her eager body. Rebecca clutched at his back that was ridged with fleshy muscle. She bit her lower lip to keep from crying. Her voice was low, near-inaudible, pleading. "...love you so, Tignor. Please don"t leave us again. We love you, don"t hurt us..."
Tignor sighed with ma.s.sive pleasure. His face with its curious broken symmetry glowed warm, ruddy. He rolled over onto his back, wiping his forehead with a brawny forearm. Suddenly he was exhausted, Rebecca felt the heaviness in all his limbs. At the latched door Niley was scratching and calling Dad-dy? Mom-my? plaintive as a starving cat. Tignor muttered irritably, "Quiet the kid, will you? I need to sleep."
That first night. Tignor"s return, she had so long awaited.
Not wanting to think what it meant. How long he would be with her this time.
Rebecca left the bedroom silently, carrying her clothes. She would bathe before making supper. She would bathe, and wash her lank greasy hair, to please him. She walked unsteadily as if she"d been mysteriously wounded. Tignor"s lovemaking had been hard, harsh, expedient. He had not made love to her for nearly six weeks. Almost she felt as if this had been the first time, since Niley"s birth.
That ma.s.sive wound of childbirth. Rebecca wondered if you could grow in again, heal completely. Had Hazel Jones ever married? Had Hazel Jones had a baby?
Niley needed to be a.s.sured, Daddy was really home, and would be staying home for a while; Daddy was sleeping now, and did not want to be disturbed. Still, Niley begged to peek through the crack of the doorway.