CARVE. Oh, very. Always was. Ever since I"ve known him. You remember his first picture at the Academy?
PASCOE. No, not exactly.
CARVE. Either you remember it exactly or you don"t remember it at all.
Life-size picture of a policeman blowing his whistle.
PASCOE. Yes; it must have been odd, that must.
CARVE. Not a bit. The oddness of the fellow----
PASCOE. What "fellow"--your governor?
CARVE. (Nods.) His oddness came out in this way--although the thing had really a great success, from that day to this he"s never painted another life-size picture of a policeman blowing his whistle.
PASCOE. I don"t see anything very odd there----
CARVE. Don"t you? Well, perhaps you don"t go in for art much. If you did, you"d know that the usual and correct thing for a painter who has made a great success with a life-size picture of a policeman blowing his whistle, is to keep on doing life-size pictures of a policeman blowing his whistle for ever and ever, so that the public can always count on getting from him a life-size picture of a policeman blowing his whistle.
PASCOE. I observe you are one of those comic valets. Nervousness again, no doubt.
CARVE. (Smiling and continuing.) Seeing the way he invariably flouted the public, it"s always been a mystery to me how he managed to make a name, to say nothing of money.
PASCOE. Money! He must make pots. You say I don"t go in for art much, but I always read the big sales at Christie"s. Why, wasn"t it that policeman picture that Lord Leonard Alcar bought for 2000 guineas last year?
CARVE. No, not Alcar. I think the bobby was last bought by Texel.
PASCOE. Texel? Who"s Texel?
CARVE. Collector--United States--one of their kings, I"m told.
PASCOE. Oh, him! Controls all the ink in the United States.
CARVE. Really! That"s what I should call influence. No. It was the "Pelicans feeding their Young" that Alcar bought. Four thousand. You"re getting mixed up.
PASCOE. Perhaps I am. I know I"m constantly seeing Mr. Carve"s name in connection with Lord Leonard Alcar"s. It"s a nice question which is the best known of the two.
CARVE. Then the--governor really is famous in England? You see we never come to England.
PASCOE. Famous--I should think he was. Aren"t they always saying he"s the finest colourist since t.i.tian? And look at his prices!
CARVE. Yes. I"ve looked at his prices. t.i.tian"s prices are higher, but t.i.tian isn"t what you"d call famous with the general public, is he?
What I want to know is--is the governor famous among the general public?
PASCOE. Yes.
CARVE. About how famous should you say he is?
PASCOE. (Hesitating.) Well--(abruptly) that"s a silly question.
CARVE. No, it isn"t. Is he as famous as--er--Harry Lauder?
PASCOE. (Shakes his head.) You mustn"t go to extremes.
CARVE. Is he as famous as Harry Vardon?
PASCOE. Never heard of him.
CARVE. I only see these names in the papers. Is he as famous as Bernard Shaw?
PASCOE. Yes, I should say he was.
CARVE. Oh, well that"s not so bad. Better than I thought! It"s so difficult to judge where one is--er--personally concerned. Especially if you"re never on the spot.
PASCOE. So it"s true Mr. Carve never comes to England?
CARVE. Why should he come to England? He isn"t a portrait painter. It"s true he owns this house, but surely that isn"t sufficient excuse for living in a place like England?
PASCOE. Of course, if you look at it like that, there"s no particular attractiveness in England that I"ve ever seen. But that answer wouldn"t satisfy Redcliffe Gardens. Redcliffe Gardens is persuaded that there must be a special reason.
CARVE. Well, there is.
PASCOE. (Interested, in spite of himself.) Indeed!
CARVE. (Confidentially.) Have a cigarette? (Offering case.)
PASCOE. (Staggered anew, but accepting.) That"s a swagger case.
CARVE. Oh! (Calmly.) He gave it me.
PASCOE. Really?
CARVE. Well, you see we"re more like brothers--been together so long. He gives me his best suits too. Look at this waistcoat. (Motions the hypnotised PASCOE to take a chair. They light their cigarettes.)
(Enter HORNING.)
PASCOE. (Somewhat impatient.) He"s not worse already?
HORNING. Where"s that brandy and water?
PASCOE. Be careful. He"s had about enough of that.
HORNING. Seeing I"ve had no dinner yet--I thought it might suit me.
(Exit with tumbler.)
PASCOE. (To Carve with renewed eagerness.) So there is a special reason why you keep out of England.
CARVE. Yes--shyness.
PASCOE. How--shyness?