"An" now, my dear brev"ren," said Brother Peter, "while I was a-turnin" dis subjec" ober in my min", an" wonderin" how de women come ter hab jus" seben debbils apiece, I done reckerleck dat bit ob Scripter wot I heerd at Kyarter"s Mills, an" I reckon dat "splains how de debbils got inter woman. De sarpint he done fotch mudder Ebe seben apples, an" ebery one she take a bite out of gib her a debbil."
As might have been expected, this sermon produced a great sensation, and made a deep impression on the congregation. As a rule, the men were tolerably well satisfied with it; and when the services were over many of them made it the occasion of shy but very plainly pointed remarks to their female friends and relatives.
But the women did not like it at all. Some of them became angry, and talked very forcibly, and feelings of indignation soon spread among all the sisters of the church. If their minister had seen fit to stay at home and preach a sermon like this to his own wife (who, it may be remarked, was not present on this occasion), it would have been well enough, provided he had made no allusions to outsiders; but to come there and preach such things to them was entirely too much for their endurance. Each one of the women knew she had not seven devils, and only a few of them would admit of the possibility of any of the others being possessed by quite so many.
Their preacher"s explanation of the manner in which every woman came to be possessed of just so many devils appeared to them of little importance. What they objected to was the fundamental doctrine of his sermon, which was based on his a.s.sertion that the Bible declared every woman had seven devils. They were not willing to believe that the Bible said any such thing. Some of them went so far as to state it was their opinion that Uncle Pete had got this fool notion from some of the lawyers at the court-house when he was on a jury a month or so before. It was quite noticeable that, although Sunday afternoon had scarcely begun, the majority of the women of the congregation called their minister Uncle Pete. This was very strong evidence of a sudden decline in his popularity.
Some of the more vigorous-minded women, not seeing their minister among the other people in the clearing in front of the log church, went to look for him, but he was not to be found. His wife had ordered him to be home early, and soon after the congregation had been dismissed he departed by a short cut through the woods. That afternoon an irate committee, composed princ.i.p.ally of women, but including also a few men who had expressed disbelief in the new doctrine, arrived at the cabin of their preacher, but found there only his wife, cross-grained old Aunt Rebecca. She informed them that her husband was not at home.
"He"s done "gaged hisse"f," she said, "ter cut an" haul wood fur Kunnel Martin ober on Little Mount"n fur de whole ob nex" week. It"s fourteen or thirteen mile" from h"yar, an" ef he"d started ter-morrer mawnm", he"d los" a"mos" a whole day. "Sides dat, I done tole him dat ef he git dar ter-night he"d have his supper frowed in. Wot you all want wid him? Gwine to pay him fur preachin"?"
Any such intention as this was instantaneously denied, and Aunt Rebecca was informed of the subject upon which her visitors had come to have a very plain talk with her husband.
Strange to say, the announcement of the new and startling dogma had apparently no disturbing effect upon Aunt Rebecca. On the contrary, the old woman seemed rather to enjoy the news.
"Reckin he oughter know all "bout dat," she said. "He"s done had three wives, an" he ain"t got rid o" dis one yit."
Judging from her chuckles and waggings of the head when she made this remark, it might be imagined that Aunt Rebecca was rather proud of the fact that her husband thought her capable of exhibiting a different kind of diabolism every day in the week.
The leader of the indignant church-members was Susan Henry; a mulatto woman of a very independent turn of mind. She prided herself that she never worked in anybody"s house but her own, and this immunity from outside service gave her a certain pre-eminence among her sisters. Not only did Susan share the general resentment with which the startling statement of old Peter had been received, but she felt that its promulgation had affected her position in the community. If every woman was possessed by seven devils, then, in this respect, she was no better nor worse than any of the others; and at this her proud heart rebelled. If the preacher had said some women had eight devils and others six, it would have been better. She might then have made a mental arrangement in regard to her relative position which would have somewhat consoled her. But now there was no chance for that. The words of the preacher had equally debased all women.
A meeting of the disaffected church-members was held the next night at Susan Henry"s cabin, or rather in the little yard about it, for the house was not large enough to hold the people who attended it. The meeting was not regularly organized, but everybody said what he or she had to say, and the result was a great deal of clamor, and a general increase of indignation against Uncle Pete.
"Look h"yar!" cried Susan, at the end of some energetic remarks, "is dar enny pusson h"yar who kin count up figgers?"
Inquiries on the subject ran through the crowd, and in a few moments a black boy, about fourteen, was pushed forward as an expert in arithmetic.
"Now, you Jim," said Susan, "you"s been, to school, an" you kin count up figgers. "Cordin" ter de chu"ch books dar"s forty-seben women b"longin" to our meetin", an" ef each one ob dem dar has got seben debbils in her, I jus" wants you ter tell me how many debbils come to chu"ch ebery clear Sunday ter hear dat ole Uncle Pete preach."
This view of the case created a sensation, and much interest was shown in the result of Jim"s calculations, which were made by the aid of a back of an old letter and a piece of pencil furnished by Susan. The result was at last announced as three hundred and nineteen, which, although not precisely correct, was near enough to satisfy the company.
"Now, you jus" turn dat ober in you all"s minds," said Susan. "More"n free hundred debbils in chu"ch ebery Sunday, an" we women fotchin "em.
Does anybody s"pose I"s gwine ter b"lieve dat fool talk?"
A middle-aged man now lifted up his voice and said: "I"s been thinkin"
ober dis h"yar matter and I"s "cluded dat p"r"aps de words ob de preacher was used in a figgeratous form o" sense. P"r"aps de seben debbils meant chillun."
These remarks were received with no favor by the a.s.semblage.
"Oh, you git out!" cried Susan. "Your ole woman"s got seben chillun, sh.o.r.e "nuf, an" I s"pec" dey"s all debbils. But dem sent"ments don"t apply ter all de udder women h"yar, "tic"larly ter dem dar young uns wot ain"t married yit."
This was good logic, but the feeling on the subject proved to be even stronger, for the mothers in the company became so angry at their children being considered devils that for a time there seemed to be danger of an Amazonian attack on the unfortunate speaker. This was averted, but a great deal of uproar now ensued, and it was the general feeling that something ought to be done to show the deep-seated resentment with which the horrible charge against the mothers and sisters of the congregation had been met. Many violent propositions were made, some of the younger men going so far as to offer to burn down the church. It was finally agreed, quite unanimously, that old Peter should be unceremoniously ousted from his place in the pulpit which he had filled so many years.
As the week pa.s.sed on, some of the older men of the congregation who had friendly feelings toward their old companion and preacher talked the matter over among themselves, and afterward, with many of their fellow-members, succeeded at last in gaining the general consent that Uncle Pete should be allowed a chance to explain himself, and give his grounds and reasons for his astounding statement in regard to womankind. If he could show biblical authority for this, of course nothing more could be said. But if he could not, then he must get down from the pulpit, and sit for the rest of his life on a back seat of the church. This proposition met with the more favor, because even those who were most indignant had an earnest curiosity to know what the old man would say for himself.
During all this time of angry discussion, good old Peter was quietly and calmly cutting and hauling wood on the Little Mountain. His mind was in a condition of great comfort and peace, for not only had he been able to rid himself, in his last sermon, of many of the hard thoughts concerning women that had been gathering themselves together for years, but his absence from home had given him a holiday from the hara.s.sments of Aunt Rebecca"s tongue, so that no new notions of woman"s culpability had risen within him. He had dismissed the subject altogether, and had been thinking over a sermon regarding baptism, which he thought he could make convincing to certain of the younger members of his congregation.
He arrived at home very late on Sat.u.r.day night, and retired to his simple couch without knowing anything of the terrible storm which had been gathering through the week, and which was to burst upon him on the morrow. But the next morning, long before church time, he received warning enough of what was going to happen. Individuals and deputations gathered in and about his cabin--some to tell him all that had been said and done; some to inform him what was expected of him; some to stand about and look at him; some to scold; some to denounce; but, alas! not one to encourage; nor one to call him "Brudder Pete,"
that Sunday appellation dear to his ears. But the old man possessed a stubborn soul, not easily to be frightened.
"Wot I says in de pulpit," he remarked, "I"ll "splain in de pulpit, an" you all ud better git "long to de chu"ch, an" when de time fur de sarvice come, I"ll be dar."
This advice was not promptly acted upon, but in the course of half an hour nearly all the villagers and loungers had gone off to the church in the woods; and when Uncle Peter had put on his high black hat, somewhat battered, but still sufficiently clerical looking for that congregation, and had given something of a polish to his cowhide shoes, he betook himself by the accustomed path to the log building where he had so often held forth to his people. As soon as he entered the church he was formally instructed by a committee of the leading members that before he began to open the services, he must make it plain to the congregation that what he had said on the preceding Sunday about every woman being possessed by seven devils was Scripture truth, and not mere wicked nonsense out of his own brain. If he could not do that, they wanted no more praying or preaching from him.
Uncle Peter made no answer, but, ascending the little pulpit, he put his hat on the bench behind him where it was used to repose, took out his red cotton handkerchief and blew his nose in his accustomed way, and looked about him. The house was crowded. Even Aunt Rebecca was there.
After a deliberate survey of his audience, the preacher spoke: "Brev"eren an" sisters, I see afore me Brudder Bill Hines, who kin read de Bible, an" has got one. Ain"t dat so, Brudder?"
Bill Hines having nodded and modestly grunted a.s.sent, the preacher continued. "An" dars" Ann" Priscilla"s boy, Jake, who ain"t a brudder yit, though he"s plenty old "nuf, min", I tell ye; an" he kin read de Bible, fus" rate, an" has read it ter me ober an" ober ag"in. Ain"t dat so, Jake?"
Jake grinned, nodded, and hung his head, very uncomfortable at being thus publicly pointed out.
"An" dar"s good ole Aun" Patty, who knows more Scripter dan ennybuddy h"yar, havin" been teached by de little gals from Kunnel Jasper"s an"
by dere mudders afore "em. I reckin she know" de hull Bible straight froo, from de Garden of Eden to de New Jerus"lum. An" dar are udders h"yar who knows de Scripters, some one part an" some anudder. Now I axes ebery one ob you all wot know de Scripters ef he don" "member how de Bible tells how our Lor" when he was on dis yearth cas" seben debbils out o" Mary Magdalum?"
A murmur of a.s.sent came from the congregation, Most of them remembered that.
"But did enny ob you ebber read, or hab read to you, dat he ebber cas"
"em out o" enny udder woman?"
Negative grunts and shakes of the head signified that n.o.body had ever heard of this.
"Well, den," said the preacher, gazing blandly around, "all de udder women got "em yit."
A deep silence fell upon the a.s.sembly, and in a few moments an elderly member arose. "Brudder Pete," he said, "I reckin you mought as well gib out de hyme."
A DOG"S TALE[1]
[Footnote 1: 1903]
_Mark Twain_ (1835)
I
My father was a St. Bernard, my mother was a collie, but I am a Presbyterian. This is what my mother told me; I do not know these nice distinctions myself. To me they are only fine large words meaning nothing. My mother had a fondness for such; she liked to say them, and see other dogs look surprised and envious, as wondering how she got so much education. But, indeed, it was not real education; it was only show: she got the words by listening in the dining-room and drawing-room when there was company, and by going with the children to Sunday-school and listening there; and whenever she heard a large word she said it over to herself many times, and so was able to keep it until there was a dogmatic gathering in the neighborhood, then she would get it off, and surprise and distress them all, from pocket-pup to mastiff, which rewarded her for all her trouble. If there was a stranger he was nearly sure to be suspicious, and when he got his breath again he would ask her what it meant. And she always told him.
He was never expecting this, but thought he would catch her; so when she told him, he was the one that looked ashamed, whereas he had thought it was going to be she. The others were always waiting for this, and glad of it and proud of her, for they knew what was going to happen, because they had had experience. When she told the meaning of a big word they were all so taken up with admiration that it never occurred to any dog to doubt if it was the right one; and that was natural, because, for one thing, she answered up so promptly that it seemed like a dictionary speaking, and for another thing, where could they find out whether it was right or not? for she was the only cultivated dog there was. By-and-by, when I was older, she brought home the word Unintellectual, one time, and worked it pretty hard all the week at different gatherings, making much unhappiness and despondency; and it was at this time that I noticed that during that week she was asked for the meaning at eight different a.s.semblages, and flashed out a fresh definition every time, which showed me that she had more presence of mind than culture, though I said nothing, of course. She had one word which she always kept on hand, and ready, like a life-preserver, a kind of emergency word to strap on when she was likely to get washed overboard in a sudden way--that was the word Synonymous. When she happened to fetch out a long word which had had its day weeks before and its prepared meanings gone to her dump-pile, if there was a stranger there of course it knocked him groggy for a couple of minutes, then he would come to, and by that time she would be away down the wind on another tack, and not expecting anything; so when he"d hail and ask her to cash in, I (the only dog on the inside of her game) could see her canvas flicker a moment,--but only just a moment,--then it would belly out taut and full, and she would say, as calm as a summer"s day, "It"s synonymous with supererogation," or some G.o.dless long reptile of a word like that, and go placidly about and skim away on the next tack, perfectly comfortable, you know, and leave that stranger looking profane and embarra.s.sed, and the initiated slatting the floor with their tails in unison and their faces transfigured with a holy joy.
And it was the same with phrases. She would drag home a whole phrase, if it had a grand sound, and play it six nights and two matinees, and explain it a new way every time,--which she had to, for all she cared for was the phrase; she wasn"t interested in what it meant, and knew those dogs hadn"t wit enough to catch her, anyway. Yes, she was a daisy! She got so she wasn"t afraid of anything, she had such confidence in the ignorance of those creatures. She even brought anecdotes that she had heard the family and the dinner guests laugh and shout over; and as a rule she got the nub of one chestnut hitched onto another chestnut, where, of course, it didn"t fit and hadn"t any point; and when she delivered the nub she fell over and rolled on the floor and laughed and barked in the most insane way, while I could see that she was wondering to herself why it didn"t seem as funny as it did when she first heard it. But no harm was done; the others rolled and barked too, privately ashamed of themselves for not seeing the point, and never suspecting that the fault was not with them and there wasn"t any to see.
You can see by these things that she was of a rather vain and frivolous character; still, she had virtues, and enough to make up, I think. She had a kind heart and gentle ways, and never harbored resentments for injuries done her, but put them easily out of her mind and forgot them; and she taught her children her kindly way, and from her we learned also to be brave and prompt in time of danger, and not to run away, but face the peril that threatened friend or stranger, and help him the best we could without stopping to think what the cost might be to us. And she taught us, not by words only, but by example, and that is the best way and the surest and the most lasting. Why, the brave things she did, the splendid things! she was just a soldier; and so modest about it--well, you couldn"t help admiring her, and you couldn"t help imitating her; not even a King Charles spaniel could remain entirely despicable in her society. So, as you see, there was more to her than her education.
II