O, you think I am bad don"t you, but of the nine men at our house last night I am an angel compared with what they were when they were boys. I got into the bath room to untangle my fish line, and it is next to Pa"s room, and I could hear everything they said, but I went away "cause I thought the conversation would hurt my morals. They would all steal, when they were boys, but darned if I ever stole. Pa has stolen over a hundred wagon loads of water-melons, one deacon used to rob orchards, another one shot tame ducks belonging to a farmer, and another tipped over grindstones in front of the village store, at night, and broke them, and run, another used to steal eggs, and go out in the woods and boil them, and the minister was the worst of the lot, "cause he took a seine, with some other boys, and went to a stream where a neighbor was raising brook trout, and cleaned the stream out, and to ward off suspicion, he went to the man the next day and paid him a dollar to let him fish in the stream, and then kicked because there were no trout, and the owner found the trout were stolen and laid it to some Dutch boys.
I wondered, when those men were telling their experience, if they ever thought of it now when they were preaching and praying, and taking up collections. I should think they wouldn"t say a boy was going to h.e.l.l right off "cause he was a little wild now days, when he has such an example. Well, lately, somebody has been burgling our chicken coop, and Pa loaded an old musket with rock salt, and said he would fill the fellow full of salt if he caught him, and while they were talking up stairs Ma heard a rooster squawk, and she went to the stairway and told Pa there was somebody in the hen house. Pa jumped up and told the visitors to follow him, and they would see a man running down the alley full of salt, and he rushed out with the gun, and the crowd followed him. Pa is shorter than the rest, and he pa.s.sed under the first wire clothes line in the yard all right, and was going for the hen house on a jump, when his neck caught the second wire clothesline just as the minister and two of the deacons caught their necks under the other wire.
You know how a wire, hitting a man on the throat, will set him back, head over appet.i.te. Well, sir, I was looking out of the back window, and I wouldn"t be positive, but I think they all turned double back summersaults, and struck on their ears. Anyway, Pa did, and the gun must have been c.o.c.ked, or it struck the hammer on a stone, for it went off, and it was pointed towards the house, and three of the visitors got salted. The minister was. .h.i.t the worse, one piece of salt taking him in the hind leg, and the other in the back, and he yelled as though it was dynamite."
[Ill.u.s.tration: The minister and deacons salted 110]
"I suppose when you shoot a man with salt, it smarts, like when you get corned beef brine on your chaped hands. They all yelled, and Pa seemed to have been knocked silly, some way, for he pranced around and seemed to think he he had killed them. He swore at the wire clothes line, and then I missed Pa and heard a splash like when you throw a cat in the river, and then I thought of the cistern, and I went down and we took Pa by the collar and pulled him out. O, he was awful damp. No sir, it was no duel at all, but a naxident, and I didn"t have anything to do with it. The gun wasn"t loaded to kill, and the salt only went through the skin, but those men _did_ yell. May be it was my chum that stirred up the chickens, but I don"t know. He has not commenced to lead a different life yet, and he might think it would make our folks sick if nothing occurred to make them pay at-tion. I think where a family has been having a good deal of exercise, the way ours has, it hurts them to break off too suddenly. But the visitors went home, real quick, after we got Pa out of the cistern, and the minister told Ma he always felt when he was in our house, as though he was on the verge of a yawning crater, ready to be engulfed any minute, and he guessed he wouldn"t come any more. Pa changed his clothes and told Ma to have them wire clothes lines changed for rope ones. I think it is hard to suit Pa, don"t you?
"O, your Pa is all right. What he needs is rest. But why are you not working at the livery stable? You haven"t been discharged, have you?"
And the grocery man laid a little lump of concentrated lye, that looked like maple sugar, on a cake of sugar that had been broken, knowing the boy would nibble it.
"No, sir, I was not discharged, but when a livery man lends me a kicking horse to take my girl out riding, that settles it. I asked the boss if I couldn"t have a quiet horse that would drive himself if I wound the lines around the whip, and he let me have one he said would go all day without driving. You know how it is, when a fellow takes a girl out riding he don"t want his mind occupied holding lines. Well, I got my girl in, and we went out on the Whitefish Bay, road, and it was just before dark, and we rode along under the trees, and I wound the lines around the whip, and put one arm around my girl, and patted her under the chin with my other hand, and her mouth looked so good, and and her blue eyes looked up at me and twinkled as much as to dare me to kiss her, and I was all of a tremble, and then my hand wandered around by her ear and I drew her head up to me and gave her a smack. Say, that was no kind of a horse to give to a young fellow to take a girl out riding.
Just as I smacked her I felt as though the buggy had been struck with a pile driver, and when I looked at the horse he was running away and kicking the buggy, and the lines were dragging on the ground. I was scared, I tell you. I wanted to jump out but my girl threw her arms around my neck and screamed, and said we would die together, and just as we were going to die the buggy struck a fence and the horse broke loose and went off, leaving us in the buggy, tumbled down by the dash board, but we were not hurt. The old horse stopped and went to chewing gra.s.s, and looked up at me as though he wanted to say "philopene." I tried to catch him, but he wouldn"t catch, and then we waited till dark and walked home, and I told the livery man what I thought of such treatment, and he said if I had attended to my driving, and not kissed the girl, I would have been all right. He said I ought to have told him I wanted a horse that wouldn"t shy at kissing, but how did I know I was going to get up courage to kiss her. A livery man ought to take it for granted that when a young fellow goes out with a girl he is going to kiss her, and give him a horse according. But I quit him at once. I won"t work for a man that hasn"t got sense. Gosh! What kind of maple sugar is that?
Jerusalem, whew, give me some water. O, my, it is taking the skin off my mouth."
The grocery man got him some water and seemed sorry that the boy had taken the lump of concentrated lye by mistake, and when the boy went out the grocery man pounded his hands on his knees and laughed, and presently he went out in front of the store and found a sign
FRESH LETIS,
BEEN PICKED MORE"N A WEEK,
TUEFER"N TRIPE.
CHAPTER XIII.
THE BAD BOY A THOROUGHBRED--THE BAD BOY WITH A BLACK EYE--A POOR FRIENDLESS GIRL EXCITES HIS PITY--PROVES HIMSELF A GALLANT KNIGHT--THE OLD MAN IS CHARMED AT HIS SON"S COURAGE-- THE GROCERY MAN MORALIZES--FIFTEEN CHRISTS IN MILWAUKEE-- THE TABLES TURNED--THE OLD MAN WEARS THE BOY"S OLD CLOTHES.
"Ah, ha, you have got your deserts at last," said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in with one eye black, and his nose pealed on on one side, and sat down on a board across the the coal scuttle, and began whistling as unconcerned as possible. "What"s the matter with your eye?"
"Boy tried to gouge it out without my consent," and the bad boy took a dried herring out of the box and began peeling it. "He is in bed now, and his ma is poulticing him, and she says he will be out about the last of next week.
"O, you are going to be a prize fighter, ain"t you," said the grocery man, disgusted. "When a boy leaves a job where he is working, and goes to loafing around, he becomes a fighter the first thing. What your Pa ought to do is bind you out with a farmer, where you would have to work all the time. I wish you would go away from here, because you look like one of these fellows that comes up before the police judge Monday morning, and gets thirty days in the house of correction. Why don"t you go out and loaf around a slaughter house, where you would look appropriate?" and the grocery man took a hair-brush and brushed some sugar and tea, that was on the counter, into the sugar barrel.
"Well, if you have got through with your sermon, I will toot a little on my horn," and the boy threw the remains of the herring over behind a barrel of potatoes, and wiped his hands on a coffee sack. "If you had this black eye, and got it the way I did, it would be a more priceless gem in the crown of glory you hope to wear, than any gem you can get by putting quarters in the collection plate, with the holes filled with lead, as you did last Sunday, when I was watching you. O, didn"t you look pious when you picked that filled quarter out, and held your thumb over the place where the lead was. The way of the black eye was this. I got a job tending a soda water fountain, and last night, just before we closed, there was two or three young loafers in the place, and a girl came in for a gla.s.s of soda Five years ago she was one of the brightest scholars in the ward school, when I was in the intermediate department.
She was just as handsome as a peach, and everybody liked her. At recess she used to take my part when the boys knocked me around and she lived near us. She had a heart as big as that cheese box, and I guess that"s what"s the matter. Anyway, she left school, and then it was said she was going to get married to a fellow who is now in the dude business, but he went back on her and after awhile her ma turned her out doors, and for a year or two she was jerking beer in a concert saloon, until the mayor stopped concerts. She tried hard to get sewing to do, but they wouldn"t have her, I guess "cause she cried so much when she was sewing, and the tears wet the cloth she was sewing on. Once I asked Pa why Ma didn"t give her some sewing to do, and he said for me to dry up and never speak to her if I met her on the street. It seemed tuff to pa.s.s her on the street, when she had tears in her eyes as big as marbles, and not speak to her when I know her so well, and she had been so kind to me at school just "cause the dude wouldn"t marry her, but I wanted to obey Pa, so I used to walk around a block when I see her coming, "cause I didn"t want to hurt her feelings. Well, last night she came in the store, looking pretty shabby, and wanted a gla.s.s of soda, and I gave it to her, and O, how her hand trembled when she raised the gla.s.s to her lips, and how wet her eyes were, and how pale her face was. I choked up so I couldn"t speak when she handed me the nickel and when she looked up at me and smiled just like she used to, and said I was getting to be almost a man since we went to school at the old school house, and put her handkerchief to her eyes, by gosh, my eyes got so full I couldn"t tell whether is was a nickel or a lozenger she gave me. Just then one of those loafers began to laugh at her, and call her names, and say the police ought to take her up for stray, and he made fun of her until she cried some more, and I got hot and went around to where he was and told him if he said another unkind word to that girl I would maul him. He laughed and asked if she was my sister, and I told him that a poor friendless girl, who was sick and in distress, and who was insulted, ought to be every boy"s sister, for a minute, and any boy who had a spark of manhood should protect her, and then he laughed and said I ought to be one of the Little Sisters of the Poor, and he took hold of her faded shawl and pulled the weak girl against the showcase, and said something mean to her, and she looked as though she wanted to die, and I mashed that boy one right on the nose. Well, the air seemed to be full of me for a minute, "cause he was bigger than me, and he got me down and got his thumb in my eye. I guess he was going to take my eye out, but I turned him over and got on top and I mauled him until he begged, but I wouldn"t let him up till he asked the girl"s pardon, and swore he would whip any boy that insulted her, and then I let him up, and the girl thanked me; but I told her I couldn"t speak to her "cause she was tuff, and Pa didn"t wan"t me to speak to anybody who was tuff; but if anybody ever insulted her so she had to cry, that I would whip him if I had to take a club. I told Pa about it, and I thought he would be mad at me for taking the part of a girl that was tuff, but, by gosh, Pa hugged me, and the tears came in his eyes, and he said I had got good blood in me, and I did just right; and if I would show him the father of the boy that I whipped, Pa said said he could whip the old man, and Ma said for me to find the poor girl and send her up to the house, and she would give her a job making pillow cases and night shirts. Don"t it seem darn queer to you that everybody goes back on a poor girl "cause she makes a mistake, and the blasted whelp that is to blame gets a chromo. It makes me tired to think of it;" and the boy got up and shook himself, and looked in the cracked mirror hanging upon a post, to see how his eye was getting along.
"Say, young fellow, you are a thoroughbred," said the grocery man, as he sprinkled some water on the asparagus and lettuce, "and you can come in here and get all the herring you want, and never mind the black eye. I wish I had it myself. Yes, it does seem tough to see people never allow a girl to reform. Now, in Bible times, the Savior forgave Mary or somebody, I forget now what her name was, and she was a better girl than ever. What we need is more of the spirit of Christ, and the world would be better."
"What we want is about ten thousand Christs. We ought to have ten or fifteen right here in Milwaukee, and they would find plenty of business, too. But this climate seems to be too rough. Say, did I tell you about Pa and Ma having trouble?"
"No, what"s the row?"
"Well, you see Ma wants to economize all she can, and Pa has been getting thinner since he quit drinking and reformed, and I have kept on growing until I am bigger than he is. Funny, ain"t it, that a boy should be bigger than his Pa? Pa wanted a new suit of clothes, and Ma said she would fix him, and so she took one of my old suits and made it over for Pa; and he wore them a week before he knew it was on old suit made over, but one day he found a handful of dried up angle worms in the pistol pocket that I had forgot when I was fishing, and Pa laid the angle worms to Ma, and Ma had to explain that she made over one of my old suits for Pa. He was mad and took them off and threw them out the back window, and swore he would never humiliate himself by wearing his son"s old clothes.
Ma tried to reason with him, but he was awfully worked up, and said he was no old charity hospital, and he stormed around to find his old suit of clothes, but Ma had sold them to a plaster of Paris image peddlar, and Pa hadn"t anything to wear, and he wanted Ma to go out in the alley and pick up the suit he threw out the window; but a rag man had picked them up and was going away, and Pa, he grabbed a linen duster and put it on and went out after the rag picker, and he run, and Pa after him; and the rag man told a policeman there was an escaped lunatic from the asylum, and he was chasing people all over the city, and the policeman took Pa by the linen ulster, and pulled it off, and he was a sight when they took him to the police station. Ma and me had to go down and bail him out, and the police lent us a tarpaulin to put over Pa, and we got him home, and he is wearing his summer pants while the tailor makes him a new suit of clothes. I think Pa is too excitable, and too particular.
I never kicked on wearing Pa"s old clothes, and I think he ought to wear mine now. Well, I must go down to the sweetened wind factory, and jerk soda," and the boy went out and hung up a sign in front of the store:
SPINAGE FOB GREENS,
THAT THE CAT HAS MADE
A NEST IN OVER SUNDAY.
CHAPTER XIV.
ENTERTAINING Y. M. C. A. DELEGATES--THE BAD BOY MINISTERS AT THE Y. M. C. A. WATER FOUNTAIN--THE DELEGATES FLOOD THEMSELVES WITH SODA--TWO DELEGATES DEALT TO HIS MA--THE NIGHT KEY--THE PALL OF THE FLOWER-STAND--DELEGATES IN THE CELLAR ALL NIGHT--THE BAD BOY"S GIRL IS WORKING HIS REFORMATION.
"Well, how"s your eye?" said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he blew in with the wind on the day of the cyclone, and left the door open.
"Say, shut that door. You want to blow everything out of the store? Had any more fights, protecting girls from dudes?"
"No, everything is quiet so far. I guess since I have got a record as a fighter, the boys will be careful who they insult when I am around. But I have had the hardest week I ever experienced, jerking soda for the Young Men"s Christian a.s.sociation," said the boy, as he peeled a banana.
"What you mean, boy? Don"t cast any reflections on such a n.o.ble a.s.sociation. They don"t drink, do they?""
"Drink! O, no! They don"t drink anything intoxicating, but when it comes to soda they flood themselves. You know there has been a National Convention of delegates from all the Young Men"s Christian a.s.sociations of the whole country, about three hundred, here, and our store is right on the street where they pa.s.sed four times a day, and I never saw such appet.i.tes for soda. There has been, one continual fizz in our store since Wednesday. The boss wanted me to play it on some of them by putting some brandy in with the perfumery a few times, but I wouldn"t do it. I guess a few weeks ago, before I had led a different life, I wouldn"t had to be asked twice to play the game on anybody. But a man can buy soda of me and be perfectly safe. Of course, if a man winks, when I ask him what flavor he wants, and says "never mind," I know enough to put in brandy. That is different. But I wouldn"t smuggle it into a man for nothing. This Christian a.s.sociation Convention has caused a coldness between Pa and Ma though.
"How"s that? Your Pa isn"t jealous, is he?" and the grocery man came around from behind the counter to get the latest gossip to retail to the hired girls who traded with him.
"Jealous nothin"," said the boy> as he took a few raisins out of a box.
"You see, the delegates were shuffled out to all the church members to take care of, and they dealt two to Ma, and she never told Pa anything about it. They came to supper the first night, and Pa didn"t get home, so when they went to the Convention in the evening Ma gave them a night key, and Pa came home from the boxing match about eleven o"clock, and Ma was asleep. Just as Pa got most of his clothes off he heard somebody fumbling at the front door, and he thought it was burglars. Pa has got nerve enough, when he is on the inside of the house and the burglars are on the outside. He opened a window and looked out and saw two suspicious looking characters trying to pick the lock with a skeleton key, and he picked up a new slop-jar that Ma had bought when we moved, cover and all, and dropped it down right between the two del-gates. Gosh, if it had hit one of them there would have been the solemnest funeral you ever saw. Just as it struck they got the door opened and came in the hall, and the wind was blowing pretty hard and they thought a cyclone had taken the cupola off the house. They were talking about being miraculously saved, and trying to strike a match on their wet pants, when Pa went to the head of the stairs and pushed over a wire stand filled with potted plants, which struck pretty near the delegates, and one of them said the house was coming down sure, and they better go into the cellar, and they went down and got behind the furnace. Pa called me up and wanted me to go down cellar and tell the burglars we were onto them, and for them to get out, but I wasn"t very well, so Pa locked his door and went to bed. I guess it must have been half an hour before Pa"s cold feet woke Ma up, and then Pa told her not to move for her life, cause there were two of the savagest looking burglars that ever was, rumaging over the house. Ma smelled Pa"s breath to see if he had got to drinking again, and then she got up and hid her oraide watch in her shoes, and her Onalaska diamond ear-rings in the Bible, where she said no burglar would ever find them, and Pa and Ma laid awake till daylight, and then Pa said he wasn"t afraid, and he and Ma went down cellar. Pa stood on the bottom stair and looked around, and one of the delegates said, "Mister, is the storm over, and is your family safe?" and Ma recognized the voice and said, "Why, its one of the delegates. What are you doing down there?" and Pa said "What"s a delegate?" and then Ma explained it, and Pa apologized, and the delegate said it was no matter, as they had enjoyed themselves real well in the cellar. Ma was mortified most to death, but the delegate told her it was all right. She was mad at Pa, first, but when she saw the broken slop bowl on the front steps, and the potted plants in the hall, she wanted to kill Pa, and I guess she would only for the society of the delegates. She couldn"t help telling Pa he was a bald headed old fool but Pa didn"t retaliate--he is too much of a gentleman to talk back in company. All he said was that a woman who is old enough to have delegates sawed off on to her ought to have sense enough to tell her husband, and then they all drifted off into conversation about the convention and the boxing match, and everything was all right on the surface; but after breakfast, when the delegates went to the convention, I noticed Pa went right down town and bought a new slop-jar and some more plants. Pa and Ma didn"t speak all the forenoon, and I guess they wouldn"t up to this time only Ma"s bonnet came home from the milliner"s and she had to have some money to pay for it. Then she called Pa "pet," and that settled it. When Ma calls Pa "pet," that is twenty-five dollars. "Dear, old darling," means fifty dollars. But, say, those christian young men do a heap of good, don"t they. Their presence seems to make people better. Some boys down by the store were going to tie a can on a dog"s tail, yesterday, and somebody said "here comes the Christian a.s.sociation," and those bad boys let the dog go. They tried to find the dog after the crowd had got by, but the dog knew his business. Well, I must go down and charge the soda fountain for a picnic that is expected from the country."
"Hold on a minute," said the grocery man as he wound a piece of brown paper around a cob and stuck it in a syrup jug he had just filled for a customer, and then licked his fingers. "I want to ask you a question.
What has caused you to change so from being bad. You were about as bad as they make "em, up to a few weeks ago, and now you seem to have a soul, and get in your work doing good about as well as any boy in town.
What is it that ails you?"
"O, sugar, I don"t want to tell," said the boy, as he blushed and wiggled around on one foot, and looked silly; "but if you won"t laugh, I will tell you. It is my girl that has made me good. It may be only temporary. If she goes back on me I may be tuff again; but if she continues to hold out faithful I shall be a daisy all the time. Say, did you ever love a girl? It would do you good, if you loved anybody regular old fashioned the way I do, people could send little children here to trade, and you wouldn"t palm off any wilted vegetables on to them, or give them short weight--if you was in love, and felt that the one you loved saw every act of yours, and you could see her eyes every minute, you would throw away anything that was spoiled, and not try to sell it, for fear you would offend her. I don"t think any man is fit to do business honestly unless he is in love, or has been in love once. Now I couldn"t do anything wrong if I tried, because I should hear the still small voice of my girl saying to me "Hennery, let up on that." I slipped up on a banana peel, yesterday, and hurt myself, and I was just going to say something offul, and I could see my girl"s bangs raise right up, and there was a pained look in her face, and a tear in her eye, and, by gosh, I just smiled and looked tickled till her hair went down and the smile came back again to her lips, though it hurt me like blazes where I struck the sidewalk. Iwas telling Pa about it, and asked him if he ever felt as though his soul was going right out towards somebody, and he said he did once on a steamboat excursion; but he eat a lemon and got over it. Pa thinks it is my liver, and wants me to take pills, but I tell you, boss, it has struck in me too deep for pills, unless it is one that weighs about a hundred and forty pounds, and wears a hat with a feather on. Say, if my girl should walk right into a burning lake of red-hot lava, and beckon me to follow, I would take a hop, skip and jump, and--"
"O give us a rest," said the grocery man, a he took a basin of water and sprinkled the floor preparatory to sweeping out. "You have got the worst case I ever saw, and you better go out and walk around a block," and the boy went out, and forgot to hang out any sign.
CHAPTER XV.
HE TURNS SUPE. THE BAD BOY QUITS JERKING SODA--ENTERS THE DRAMATIC PROFESSION--"WHAT"S A SUPER"--THE PRIVILEGES OP A SUPE"S FATHER--BEHIND THE SCENES--THE BAD BOY HAS PLAYED WITH MC"CULLOUGH--"I WAS THE POPULACE"--PLAYS IT ON HIS SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"I PRITHEE, AU RESERVOIR, I GO HENS!"
"You look pretty sleepy," said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in the store yawning, and stretched himself out on the counter with his head on a piece of brown wrapping paper, in reach of a box of raisins, "what"s the matter? Been sitting up with your girl all night?"
"Naw! I wish I had. Wakefullness with my girl is sweeter and more restful than sleep. No, this is the result of being a dutiful son, and I am tired. You see Pa and Ma have separated. That is, not for keeps, but Pa has got frightened about burglars, and he gets up into the attic to sleep. He says it is to get fresh air, but he knows better. Ma has got so accustomed to Pa"s snoring that she can"t go to sleep without it, and the first night Pa left she didn"t sleep a wink, and yesterday I was playing on an old accordeon that I traded a dog collar for after our dog was poisoned, and when I touched the low notes I noticed Ma dozed oft to sleep, it sounded so much like Pa"s snore, and last night Ma made me set up and play for her to sleep. She rested splendid, but I am all broke up, and I sold the accordeon this morning to the watchman who watches our block, It is queer what a different effect music will have on different people. While Ma was sleeping the sleep of innocence under the influence of my counterfeit of Pa"s snore, the night watchman was broke of his rest by it, and he bought it of me to give it to the son of an enemy of his. Well, I have quit jerking soda.
"No you don"t tell me," said the grocery man as he moved the box of raisins out of reach. "You never will amount to anything unless you stick to one trade or profession. A rolling hen never catches the early angleworm."
"O, but I am all right now. In the soda water business, there is no chance for genius to rise unless the soda fountain explodes. It is all wind, and one gets tired of the constant fizz. He feels that he is a fraud, and when he puts a little syrup in a tumbler, and fires a little sweetened wind and water in it until the soap suds fills the tumbler, and charges ten cents for that which only costs a cent, a sensitive soda jerker, who has reformed, feels that it is worse than three card monte.
I couldn"t stand the wear on my conscience, so I have got a permanent job as a super, and shall open the 1st of September.