Why is the letter T like Easter? Because it"s the last of Lent.
When does a blacksmith make a row in the alphabet? When he makes a poke-R and shove-L.
What did the old woman say when she looked into the empty flour barrel? O I C U R M T.
Why did Noah object to the letter D? Because it made the ark dark.
Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s in both.
What are the worst letters of recommendation? I O U.
Why is the letter D like a sailor? It follows the C (sea).
If I were in the sun and you out of it, what would the sun become?
Sin.
I am neither flesh, fish, nor fowl, yet I frequently stand upon one leg; if you behead me I stand upon two; if you again decapitate me I stand upon four. I shall think you are related to me if you do not now recognize me. Gla.s.s--la.s.s--a.s.s.
Three letters three rivers proclaim. Ex, Wye, Dee.
Three letters an ode give to fame. L E G (elegy).
Three letters an attribute name. N R G (energy).
Three letters a compliment claim. U X L (You excel).
The beginning of eternity, The end of time and s.p.a.ce, The beginning of every end, The end of every race. Letter E.
One letter"s a tree? U (yew).
One means to agree? A (aye).
One is to drink? T (tea).
One a bird, think? J (jay).
Now of letters that rhyme You must guess them in time; One is an insect busy all day? B (bee).
One is a river that wends on its way? D (Dee).
One is a slang word it is best not to say? G (Gee).
These two letters are not at all hard? E Z (easy).
These letters form a literary composition? S A (essay).
These letters will decompose? D K (decay).
These letters form a material to wear? P K (pique).
These letters do the best of all? X L (excel).
These letters form a tree? L M (elm).
The meaning of these letters is not full? M T (empty).
CHAPTER IX
GENERAL CONUNDRUMS
Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? Because it is first cradled, then threshed, and afterward becomes the flower of the family.
What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have pistils.
What is the worst thing to catch afire? Nothing.
Why is a man who has parted from his bed like one obliged to keep it?
He is bedridden.
What is the oldest coupler in use? The wedding ring.
Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? Because they make the b.u.t.terfly.
What is the difference between a mouse and a young lady? The one harms the cheese, the other charms the "he"s."
When is a man thinner than a lath? When he is a-shaving.
Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is surrounded by felloes (fellows).
Of what religious persuasion is the sea? A Quaker--for it has a broad brim.
Though I dance at a ball, yet am I nothing at all. A shadow.
What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
When is a sailor not a sailor? When he"s a-board.
What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper?
One watches the p.a.w.n, the other p.a.w.ns the watch.
Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse.
What sort of tune do we all enjoy most? For-tune, made up of bank-notes.
Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters behind to settle.
Why is English grammar like gout? Because it"s torture (taught yer).
Why is an office with no work to do like a good dinner eaten by an invalid? Because it"s a sign-o"-cure (sinecure).
Why is a s...o...b..ack like an editor? Because he polishes the understandings of his patrons.
Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of entering a room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling).
Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they are always for-getting everything.
What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, one bringing the other, but which if we do get them, the one bringing the other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune.
When is sugar like a pig"s tooth? When in a hog"s head.