When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed.
When are volunteers not volunteers? When they are mustered (mustard).
Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce.
Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because she"s a-mounting (a mountain).
Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? Because it never does write (right) by itself.
Why are wooden ships, as compared with ironclads, of the female s.e.x?
Because they are the weaker vessels.
At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom? When long experience has made him sage.
When is a sailor not a sailor? When he is aloft.
What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure? Twelve ounces in one pound.
What makes a pair of boots? Two boots.
What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date.
Why is the superintendent of a children"s play-ground like a stranded vessel? Because he runs a-ground.
Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the mountains? Because he makes tracks for his life.
Why is the engineer of a train like an aeronaut? Because he frequently slows down.
Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race course? Because there is always a bettor.
When may a ship be said to be in love? When she wishes for a mate.
What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,--never existed, and still has a name? Nothing.
Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes?
Because it is matchless.
Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by the directions of strangers.
What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it? Noise.
Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit? Because he goes around doing good.
Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows) everything.
What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he"s got one to wag.
What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air.
When is a fast young man nearest heaven? When on a lark.
When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it"s smoked.
When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)? When he"s up late (a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked.
What are the features of the cannon? Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and cannon-eers.
Who always sits with his hat on before the queen? Her coachman.
Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire? Because the sooner it is put out the better.
When is a river not a river? When it is eye water (high water).
What trade never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
What trade is more than full? Fuller.
Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted? Because it is an invisible force.
When is a borough like a ship? When it is under canva.s.s.
Why are guns like trees? People plant them and they shoot.
How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell O! (yellow).
What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band?
The drum.
What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no resentment when the reproof is given? A clock.
Why is the dove a very cautious little dear? Because he minds his peas and coos.
When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it"s a tea thing (teething).
Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student?
Because it is about to enter the ministry.
What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog.
When is a young lady"s cheek not a cheek? When it is a little pale (pail).
When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish (radish).
What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best? One that is for-bidding.
When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye field (a wry).
What is it that walks with its head downward? A nail in a shoe.