The Heart of Una Sackville.
by Mrs. George de Horne Vaizey.
CHAPTER ONE.
_May 13th, 1895_.
Lena Streatham gave me this diary. I can"t think what possessed her, for she has been simply hateful to me sometimes this last term. Perhaps it was remorse, because it"s awfully handsome, with just the sort of back I like--soft Russia leather, with my initials in the corner, and a clasp with a dear little key, so that you can leave it about without other people seeing what is inside. I always intended to keep a diary when I left school and things began to happen, and I suppose I must have said so some day; I generally do blurt out what is in my mind, and Lena heard and remembered. She"s not a bad girl, except for her temper, but I"ve noticed the hasty ones are generally the most generous. There are hundreds and hundreds of leaves in it, and I expect it will be years before it"s finished. I"m not going to write things every day--that"s silly! I"ll just keep it for times when I want to talk, and Lorna is not near to confide in. It"s quite exciting to think all that will be written in these empty pages! What fun it would be if I could read them now and see what is going to happen! About half way through I shall be engaged, and in the last page of all I"ll scribble a few words in my wedding-dress before I go on to church, for that will be the end of Una Sackville, and there will be nothing more to write after that. It"s very nice to be married, of course, but stodgy--there"s no more excitement.
There has been plenty of excitement to-day, at any rate. I always thought it would be lovely when the time came for leaving school, and having nothing to do but enjoy oneself, but I"ve cried simply bucketfuls, and my head aches like fury. All the girls were so fearfully nice. I"d no idea they liked me so much. Irene May began crying at breakfast-time, and one or another of them has been at it the whole day long. Maddie made me walk with her in the crocodile, and said, "Croyez bien, ma cherie, que votre Maddie ne vous...o...b..iera jamais." It"s all very well, but she"s been a perfect pig to me many times over about the irregular verbs! She gave me her photograph in a gilt frame--not half bad; you would think she was quite nice-looking.
The kiddies joined together and gave me a purse--awfully decent of the poor little souls--and I"ve got simply dozens of books and ornaments and little picture things for my room. We had cake for tea, but half the girls wouldn"t touch it. Florence said it was sickening to gorge when your heart was breaking. She is going to ask her mother to let her leave next term, for she says she simply cannot stand our bedroom after I"m gone. She and Lorna don"t get on a bit, and I was always having to keep the peace. I promised faithfully I would write sheets upon sheets to them every single week, because my leaving at half term makes it harder for them than if they were going home too.
"We shall be so flat and dull without you, Circle!" Myra said. She calls me "Circle" because I"m fat--not awfully, you know, but just a little bit, and she"s so thin herself. "I think I"ll turn over a new leaf and go in for work. I don"t seem to have any heart for getting into sc.r.a.pes by myself!"
"Well, we _have_ kept them going, haven"t we!" I said. "Do you remember," and then we talked over the hairbreadth escapes we had had, and groaned to think that the good times were pa.s.sed.
"I will say this for Una," said Florence, "however stupid she may be at lessons, I never met a girl who was cleverer at scenting a joke!"
When Florence says a thing, she _means_ it, so it was an awful compliment, and I was just trying to look humble when Mary came in to say Miss Martin wanted me in the drawing-room. I did feel bad, because I knew it would be our last real talk, and she looked simply sweet in her new blue dress and her Sunday afternoon expression. She can look as fierce as anything and snap your head off if you vex her, but she"s a darling all the same, and I adore her. She"s been perfectly sweet to me these three years, and we have had lovely talks sometimes--serious talks, I mean--when I was going to be confirmed, and when father was ill, and when I"ve been homesick. She"s so good, but not a bit goody, and she makes you long to be good too. She"s just the right person to have a girls" school, for she understands how girls feel, and that it isn"t natural for them to be solemn, unless of course they are prigs, and they don"t count.
I sat down beside her and we talked for an hour. I wish I could remember all the things she said, and put them down here to be my rules for life, but it"s so difficult to remember.
She said my gaiety and lightness of heart had been a great help to them all, and like sunshine in the school. Of course, it had led me into sc.r.a.pes at times, but they had been innocent and kindly, and so she had not been hard upon me. But now I was grown up and going out into the battle of life, and everything was different.
"You know, dear, the gifts which G.o.d gives us are our equipments for that fight, and I feel sure your bright, happy disposition has been given to you to help you in some special needs of life."
I didn"t quite like her saying that! It made me feel creepy, as if horrid things were going to happen, and I should need my spirit to help me through. I want to be happy and have a good time. I never can understand how people can bear troubles, and illnesses, and being poor, and all those awful things. I should die at once if they happened to me.
She went on to say that I must make up my mind from the first not to live for myself; that it was often a very trying time when a girl first left school and found little or nothing to occupy her energies at home, but that there were so many sad and lonely people in the world that no one need ever feel any lack of a purpose in life, and she advised me not to look at charity from a general standpoint, but to narrow it down till it came within my own grasp.
"Don"t think vaguely of the poor all over the world; think of one person at your own gate, and brighten that life. I once heard a very good man say that the only way he could reconcile himself to the seeming injustice between the lots of the poor and the rich was by believing that each of the latter was deputed by G.o.d to look after his poorer brother, and was _responsible_ for his welfare. Find someone whom you can take to your heart as your poor sister in G.o.d"s great family, and help her in every way you can. It will keep you from growing selfish and worldly. In your parents" position you will, of course, go a great deal into society and be admired and made much of, as a bright, pretty girl. It is only natural that you should enjoy the experience, but don"t let it turn your head. Try to keep your frank, unaffected manners, and be honest in words and actions. Be especially careful not to be led away by greed of power and admiration. It is the best thing that can happen to any woman to win the love of a good, true man, but it is cruel to wreck his happiness to gratify a foolish vanity. I hope that none of my girls may be so forgetful of all that is true and womanly."
She looked awfully solemn. I wonder if she flirted when she was young, and he was furious and went away and left her! We always wondered why she didn"t marry. There"s a photograph of a man on her writing-table, and Florence said she is sure that was him, for he is in such a lovely frame, and she puts the best flowers beside him like a shrine.
Florence is awfully clever at making up tales. She used to tell us them in bed, (like that creature with the name in the _Arabian Nights_). We used to say:
"Now then, Florence, go on--tell us Fraulein"s love-story!" and she would clear her throat, and cough, and say--"It was a glorious summer afternoon in the little village of Eisenach, and the sunshine peering down through the leaves turned to gold the tresses of young Elsa Behrend as she sat knitting under the trees."
It was just like a book, and so true too, for Fraulein is always knitting! The Romance de Mademoiselle was awfully exciting. There was a duel in it, and one man was killed and the other had to run away, so she got neither of them, and it was that that soured her temper.
I really must go to bed--Lorna keeps calling and calling--and Florence is crying still--I can hear her sniffing beneath the clothes. We shall be perfect wrecks in the morning, and mother won"t like it if I go home a fright. Heigho! the very last night in this dear old room! I hate the last of anything--even nasty things--and except when we"ve quarrelled we"ve had jolly times. It"s awful to think I shall never be a school-girl any more! I don"t believe I shall sleep a wink all night.
I feel wretched.
PS--Fancy calling me pretty! I"m so pleased. I shall look nicer still in my new home clothes.
CHAPTER TWO.
Bed-time; my own room. May 14th.
It is different from school! My room is simply sweet, all newly done up as a surprise for me on my return. White paint and blue walls, and little bookcases in the corners, and comfy chairs and cushions, and a writing-table, and such lovely artistic curtains--dragons making faces at fleur-de-lys on a dull blue background. I"m awfully well off, and they are all so good to me, I ought to be the happiest girl in the world, but I feel sort of achey and strange, and a little bit lonely, though I wouldn"t say so for the world. I miss the girls.
It was awful this morning--positively awful. I should think there was a flood after I left--all the girls howled so, and I was sticking my head out of the carriage window all the journey to get my face cool before I arrived. Father met me at the station, and we spanked up together in the dog-cart. That was scrumptious. I do love rushing through the air behind a horse like Firefly, and father is such an old love, and always understands how you feel. He is very quiet and shy, and when anyone else is there he hardly speaks a word, but we chatter like anything when we are together. I have a kind of idea that he likes me best, though Spencer and Vere are the show members of the family. Spencer is the heir, and is almost always away because he is a soldier, and Vere is away a lot too, because she hates the country, and likes visiting about and having a good time. She"s awfully pretty, but--No! I won"t say it.
I hereby solemnly vow and declare that I shall never say nasty things of anyone in this book, only, of course, if they do nasty things, I shall have to tell, or it won"t be true. She isn"t much with father, anyway, and he likes to be made a fuss of, because he"s so quiet himself. Isn"t it funny how people are like that! You"d think they"d like you to be prim and quiet too, but they don"t a bit, and the more you plague them the better they"re pleased.
"Back again, my girl, are you? A finished young lady, eh?" said father, flicking his whip.
"Very glad of it, I can tell you. I"m getting old, and need someone to look after me a bit." He looked me up and down, with a sort of anxious look, as if he wanted to see if I were changed. "We had good times together when you were a youngster and used to trot round with me every morning to see the dogs and the horses, but I suppose you won"t care for that sort of thing now. It will be all dresses and running about from one excitement to another. You won"t care for tramping about in thick boots with the old father!"
I laughed, and pinched him in his arm. "Don"t fish! You know very well I"ll like it better than anything else. Of course, I shall like pretty dresses too, and as much fun as I can get, but I don"t think I shall ever grow up properly, father--enough to walk instead of run, and smile sweetly instead of shrieking with laughter as we do at school. It will be a delightful way of letting off steam to go off with you for some long country rambles, and have some of our nice old talks."
He turned and stared at me quite hard, and for a long time. He has such a lot of wrinkles round his eyes, and they look so tired. I never noticed it before. He looked sort of sad, and as if he wanted something. I wonder if he has been lonely while I was away. Poor old dad! I"ll be a perfect angel to him. I"ll never neglect him for my own amus.e.m.e.nt like Resolution number one! Sentence can"t be finished.
"How old are you, child?" father said at last, turning away with a sigh and flicking Firefly gently with the whip, and I sat up straight and said proudly--
"Nearly nineteen. I begged to stay on another half year, you know, because of the exam, but I failed again in that hateful arithmetic: I"m a perfect dunce over figures, father; I hope you don"t mind. I can sing very well; my voice was better than any of the other girls, and that will give you more pleasure than if I could do all the sums in the world. They tried to teach me algebra, too. Such a joke; I once got an equation right. The teacher nearly had a fit. It was the most awful fluke."
"I don"t seem to care much about your arithmetical prowess," father said, smiling. "I shall not ask you to help me with my accounts, but it will be a pleasure to hear you sing, especially if you will indulge me with a ballad now and then which I can really enjoy. You are older than I thought; but keep as young as you can, child. I don"t want to lose my little playfellow yet awhile. I"ve missed her very badly these last years."
I liked to hear that. It was sad for him, of course, but I simply love people to love me and feel bad when I"m gone. I was far and away the most popular girl at school, but it wasn"t all chance as they seemed to think. I"m sure I worked hard enough for the position. If a girl didn"t like me I was so fearfully nice to her that she was simply forced to come round. I said something like that to Lorna once, and she was quite shocked, and called it self-seeking and greed for admiration, and all sorts of horrid names. I don"t see it at all; I call it a most amiable weakness. It makes you pleasant and kind even if you feel horrid, and that must be nice. I felt all bubbling over with good resolutions when father said that, and begged him to let me be not only his playmate but his helper also, and to tell me at once what I could do.
He smiled again in that sad sort of way grown-up people have, which seems to say that they know such a lot more than you, and are sorry for your ignorance.
"Nothing definite, darling," he said; "an infinite variety of things indefinite! Love me, and remember me sometimes among the new distractions--that"s about the best you can do;" and I laughed, and pinched him again.
"You silly old dear! As if I could ever forget!" and just at that moment we drove up to the porch.
If it had been another girl"s mother, she would have been waiting at the door to receive me. I"ve been home with friends, so I know; but my mother is different. I don"t think I should like it if she did come!
It doesn"t fit into my idea of her, some way. Mother is like a queen-- everyone waits upon her, and goes up to her presence like a throne-room.
I peeped into the mirror in the hall as I pa.s.sed, and tucked back some ends of hair, and straightened my tie, and then the door opened, and there she stood--the darling!--holding out her arms to welcome me, with her eyes all soft and tender, as they used to be when she came to say "good night." Mother is not demonstrative as a rule, so you simply love it when she is. She looks quite young, and she was the beauty of the county when she was a girl, and I never did see in all my life anybody so immaculately perfect in appearance! Her dresses fit as if she had been melted into them; her skirts stand out, and go crinkling in and out into folds just exactly like the fashion-plates; her hair looks as if it had been done a minute before--I don"t believe she would have a single loose end if she were out in a tornado. It"s the same, morning, noon and night; if she were wrecked on a desert island she would be a vision of elegance. It"s the way she was born. I can"t think how I came to be her daughter, and I know I"m a trial to her with my untidiness.
We hugged each other, and she put her hands on each side of my face, and we kissed and kissed again. She is taller than I am, and very dark, with beautiful aquiline features, and deep brown eyes. She is very slight--I"m sure my waist is about twice as big--and her hands look so pretty with the flashing rings. I"m awfully proud of my mother!
"My darling girl! How rejoiced I am to have you back. Sit down here and let me see you. How well you look, dear--not any thinner yet, I see! It will be delightful to have you at home for good, for Vere is away so much that I have felt quite bereft. Sit up, darling--don"t stoop! It will be so interesting to have another girl to bring out!
There are plenty of young people about here now, so you need not be dull, and I hope we shall be great companions. You were a sad little hoyden in the old days, but now that you have pa.s.sed eighteen you will be glad to settle down, won"t you, dear, and behave like the woman you are. Have you no little brooch, darling, to keep that collar straight at the neck? It is all adrift, and looks so untidy. Those little things are of such importance. I had such a charming letter from Miss Martin, full of nice speeches about you. She says you sing so sweetly.
You must have some good lessons, for nothing is more taking than a young voice properly trained, and I hope you have no foolish nervousness about singing in public. You must get over it, if you have, for I rely on you to help me when we have visitors."
"I want to help you, mother. I will truly try," I said wistfully. I don"t know why exactly, but I felt depressed all of a sudden. I wanted her to be so pleased at my return that she didn"t notice anything but just me, and it hurt to be called to order so soon. I looked across the room, and caught a glimpse of our two figures reflected in a gla.s.s--such a big, fair, tousled creature as I looked beside her, and my heart went down lower then ever. I shall disappoint her, I know I shall! She expects me to be an elegant, accomplished young lady like Vere, and I feel a hoyden still, and not a bit a grown-up woman; besides, father said I was to keep young. How am I to please them both, and have time left over to remember Miss Martin"s lessons? It strikes me, Una Sackville, you have got your work cut out.
Mother brought me up to see my room. She has looked after it all herself, and taken no end of trouble making the shades. It looked sweet in the sunshine, and I shall love sitting in the little round window writing my adventures in this book; but now that it"s dark I miss the girls: I wonder what Lorna and Florence are doing now? Talking of me, I expect, and crying into their pillows. It seems years since we parted, and already I feel such miles apart. It seems almost impossible to believe that last night I was eating thick bread-and-b.u.t.ter for supper and lying down in the middle bed in the bare old dormitory. Now already I feel quite grown up and responsible. Oh, if I live to be a hundred years old, I shall never, never be at school again! I"ve been so happy.
I wonder, I wonder shall I ever be as happy again?
CHAPTER THREE.
_June 20th_.
I"ve been home a month. I"ve got tails to my dresses and silk linings, and my hair done up like the people in advertis.e.m.e.nts, and parasols with frills, and a pearl necklace to wear at nights with real evening dresses. I wear white veils, too, and such sweet hats--I don"t mind saying it here where no one will see, but I really do look most awfully nice. I should just simply love to be lolling back in the victoria, all frills and feathers, and the crocodiles to march by. Wouldn"t they stare! It was always so interesting to see how the girls looked grown up.