"Nickols, Mother Spurlock and poor little Mrs. Burns and--and Mr.
Goodloe have something very real that we haven"t," I faltered and, utterly weary, I laid my head down against his strong shoulder.
"That"s what they say, but they can"t prove it. They can"t pa.s.s it on, so it mustn"t really be anything. They are not tightwads, so they wouldn"t hold back on us with their salvation, would they? Well, then, they haven"t anything. It"s all just a subst.i.tute for love, dear. Mother Spurlock fell back on it when she lost her husband. The little Burns woman wouldn"t have it any more than Nell has if Mike Burns was like Mark Morgan. And Goodloe would lose it in a week if--if he could get you in his arms." As Nickols spoke, his arms about me trembled and strained me to him.
"No!" I exclaimed as if I had heard blasphemy uttered.
"It _is_, dear, it is just suppressed s.e.x. The scientists agree on that and all the religions are just that, from the most primitive to the most evolved. Some are more frank about it than others. The Igorrotes when they have their religious dancing at the mating season are more open than the Methodists about their being one and the same thing, but it all sums up alike. You can"t get away from those facts."
"Then I want to be dead," I said as I drew myself from his arm and stood on the edge of the porch.
"Or you want to love," muttered Nickols under his breath as he watched me sullenly for a second. "Then it"s October, is it?" he asked with one of his infectious, delicious laughs that have always broken across my serious moods and made them froth.
"Yes," I answered steadily.
"Then we"ll tell Nell and Harriet and Jessie and Mrs. Sproul all about it, as I see them coming, on gossip bent I feel sure," he said as he went halfway down the walk to meet the girls before I could restrain him.
I shall always have with me the picture that Nickols made as he stood tall and handsome and smiling against the background of the wonderful garden he had helped to create, with the women smiling and clinging to him as he looked up at me with a great laughing light in his face. In some ways he was the handsomest man I had ever seen and his distinctions sat upon him as easily as the college honors of a boy. A wave of race pride and love swept up in my heart as I looked at him and I felt that in him must be the refuge that I sought. His sophistries always sank deep into me.
"Charlotte, my dear," said Mrs. Sproul, as I led her to a seat beneath the vines in a shady corner, "I wish I was sure that your mother knew of this safe happiness of yours. She adored Nickols and nothing could have given her a greater joy. And, my dear, for you to have held him against the world, as it were, is a triumph, I a.s.sure you. Always remember that men of his kind are--are desirable. I"ll have a long talk with you before you go away with him." And I didn"t know why, but the smile with which Mrs. Sproul whispered and patted my hand made me burn all over with protest.
"I wouldn"t have you for a husband unless we were both convicted together to a chain gang for at least five years after the ceremony, Nickols Powers," said Harriet, with a laugh for which Nickols raised her hand to his lips as he responded.
"You like husbands in safety deposit vaults, don"t you, Harriet?" At which sally they all laughed as they seated themselves around Mrs.
Sproul and me.
"Why will women want husbands to be as stationary as--as. .h.i.tching posts, Mrs. Sproul?" demanded Nickols as he leaned against one of the tall pillars and lighted a cigarette for himself after having lighted one for her and Jessie. Jessie Litton had always smoked, in secret until the last year or two, and Mrs. Sproul had frankly taken up the habit as a comfort for old age, she insisted. I suspect that she had had it for a long time in advance of the fashion. It was a really delicious sight to see the old world grace with which she accomplished it.
"Women have the nestling habit and that is why they want to believe men to be st.u.r.dy oaks in whose branches they can safely anchor a family as well as twine around in their affectionate gourd fashion," answered Mrs.
Sproul, as she daintily puffed a smoke ring at Nickols.
"A lot of times the gourd vine grows so strong that she doesn"t realize she is supporting her family by her own strength long after the oak has faded away in her coils and sprouted up from an acorn in some other locality," said Jessie, as she, too, puffed a ring of smoke in Nickols"
direction.
"Is this agriculture, biology or religion we are discussing?" demanded Harriet with a laugh as we all rose and went to the edge of the porch to meet Billy and Mark and father, who had with them the beloved "Minister."
"Congratulations and condolences, Mr. Powers," said Mrs. Sproul as she laid her hand in father"s.
"On what score, my dear madam," he demanded.
"You know I asked for Charlotte on my fifteenth and her tenth birthday, Judge," Nickols said, with his ready grace in any situation, and he came and stood beside father and took his hand in his with the gentle affection a girl might have shown the older man. "You said "yes" then and it has taken all these years to make her echo the word," and as he finished speaking he held out his arm and drew me close to father and himself.
"Hurrah!" exclaimed Mark, but I saw him exchange a glance of amus.e.m.e.nt with Harriet, and Nell gave him a warning little squeeze of the arm.
"Bless you both," said father, as he gave us both a hug.
All this I saw and noted before I raised my eyes to meet the jeweled eyes under dull gold that I knew were gazing straight at me as Gregory Goodloe stood in the background against the dark vine while the rejoicings over the announcement of my betrothal were enacted. Somehow I felt I could not make myself face their gaze, which yet I knew I must. I met a flash that burned down into the very darkest spots in my nature and illuminated them all. There was not a trace of male anger or demand in the gaze but a cold valuation of me and the entire situation that burned me as ice burns raw flesh, then over all of us there suddenly poured from the same source a tenderness that was as radiant as the summer sun.
"Yes, G.o.d bless us all!" he exclaimed, as he held out his hands to all of us, one of which Nickols took, with a swift challenging glance that in the radiance softened to confidence, and the other father took and fairly clung to in his happiness. I was glad, glad that I didn"t have to endure the touch of his hand on mine after that glance, but not for one instant did my heart accuse his radiance of being dramatics. I rather felt that it came from a warmth within him by which everybody else in the world might be comforted but for which I would forever be cold.
"I _want_ to be worth her, old man," Nickols said to him with a curiously pleading note in his voice, and he, too, seemed to me to be clinging to some of the strength that was not for me.
"Then G.o.d help you," was the answer given with the very essence of gentleness, but with a level glance into Nickols" eyes that was profoundly sad.
"And now let"s hear the wedding plans," demanded Harriet. "This marrying and giving in marriage is the best way I know of to make time pa.s.s, and let"s make Charlotte give us full measure. I"m matron of honor, of course, and I suggest only twelve bridesmaids. I intend to be preceded to the altar by Sue in an embroidered silk muslin I will provide, with a bonnet of tulle in which nestles a pink rose to match the ones in her basket. There will also be a display of pink knees that will be ravishing and--"
"Just let me remind you, Harriet, that this is Charlotte"s wedding and not that of my daughter, Susan, and her often-mentioned knees," said Mark with a laugh that they all echoed.
"I am going to marry Susan"s pink knees when they are ripe," remarked Billy and his suppression lasted long enough for me to attain command enough of myself to manage the plans of my own wedding.
Later when they had all gone by way of the chapel to help Mr. Goodloe decide on some designs for a memorial window to his father he was having made by a great artist he and Nickols had selected, I went in to make my announcement to Mammy and Dabney.
"Well, ram in the cork to the demijohn, honey, and it"ll be all right,"
was Dabney"s semi-cordial consent, but Mammy went on industriously beating her biscuits for supper the one hundred and twenty licks prescribed by her reputation as a cook and her conscientious guarding of that same reputation.
"What do you say, Mammy?" I insisted on her giving her opinion.
"Of course, if you want to eat plain biscuits instead of the s...o...b..ead from before the mercy seat--one hundred and two, one hundred and three--" was the answer given between the licks upon the white dough, and I fled before I should get a clearer manifestation of the disappointment I felt raging in her faithful old heart.
That night a young crescent moon was hung over the very crown of Old Harpeth as I threw the shutters of my window wide to the night breezes after I had put out my light and was ready for bed. I stood in its soft light and looked across to the dark ma.s.s of the chapel opposite and saw that a dim light was still burning from the window by the organ loft.
And as I stood and looked, the empty place that I had felt in the very center of my heart grew colder and more bleak until suddenly across the garden on perfumed waves of sound came the Tristan love song and filled my emptiness with a pain that was both hot and cold. I stood and let the flood dash over me as long as I could and then with a sob I sank on the floor and rested my head on the window seat and began to weep as only women such as I know how to weep. Then into my sorrow very quietly there again stole another strain after the Tristan song had sobbed away into the night and suddenly my own weeping was stilled and again something within me was healed by the great tender voice singing out in the darkness beyond the hedge:
"Abide with me; fast falls the eventide-- ... ... ... ...
Help of the helpless, O abide with me!"
"I don"t know what to do, I don"t know," I cried, and sobbed myself to sleep on my pillow after I had watched the light across the garden go out and after all in the little parsonage beyond the hedge was dark and quiet.
CHAPTER XV
A CLANDESTINE ADVENTURE
It seems a strange, almost savage thing that the few months before a woman"s marriage are always filled so full of the doing of thousands and tens of thousands of small things that she has no time to think of the hugeness of the responsibilities she is a.s.suming. Perhaps if she were given time to realize them she would never a.s.sume them. Once or twice in the long two, nearly three months that I had given myself to get ready to marry Nickols, I paused and found myself thinking of the weighty things of life, but I soon was able to shake off the thought of the future. The time I felt it press most heavily was one morning that Jessie Litton and I sat quietly sewing on some sort of fluff she and Harriet had planned for my adornment, and very suddenly Jessie laid down her ruffle and looked at me as she said:
"Charlotte, I would be frightened, positively frightened, at the prospect of marrying Nickols Powers."
"I am; but why would you be?" I asked her directly.
"I read that long resume of his work in the Review last night and for the first time I really realized what an important person he is to the development of American art. He really is a huge national machine and you"ll be one of the important cogs on which the whole thing runs.
You"ll be ground and ground by his life and you"ll have to make good or be responsible for some sort of a crash."
"No," I answered, slowly drawing my thread through the sheer cloth. "No, Nickols will live his own way regardless of the cogs on which it grinds.
I shall have an enormous task in keeping up with the social side of his life, but Nickols is not the kind of a man who takes a woman into his work."
As I made my answer I was stabbed by the memory of the words that Gregory Goodloe had said to me on that day in the garden: "Separated from you, you going one way and I another, I can do nothing. You short-circuit my force--I am helpless without you." And _he_ had been inviting me into the work for which he had been ordained into the holy Church of Christ. I felt myself groping blindly into the futility of my own life, and I was sick at heart.
"And if that is so, I would be still more frightened," Jessie said, gazing at me with dismayed and honest affection.