She went down to the lodge gate where they had parted, and remembered the chill misery of the moment, the gray morning light, the pelting rain.
Ah--with a sudden pang--she only thought of it now. How wet he must have been! He had lent her his one umbrella, and she had kept it; she had it still; she had allowed him to walk back in the rain without wrap or protection, of any kind.
And now she came to think of it, he had never changed his things after he had rescued her. He never did think of himself--the most selfless man alive; and she, alas! had never thought of him--never considered his comfort in anything. Oh, remorse! If only she could have those times all over again, or even one of those times so recklessly misspent! He might have lost his life through that wetting. Or what if he lost his voice?
Singers have notoriously delicate throats. But happily nothing so untoward had resulted; she was saved the blame of a crowning disaster--she knew, because she had heard of him going to the cathedral as usual; she had taken the trouble to inquire, not daring to go herself, and she had seen in that day"s paper that he would sing the anthem to-morrow, so evidently he had not suffered, which was some comfort--and yet--how could he go to the cathedral every day and sing as usual, just as if nothing had happened? It might be fort.i.tude, but, considering the circ.u.mstances, it was far more likely to be indifference. And so she continued to torment herself; thinking, always thinking, without any power to stop.
The next day Mr. Kilroy returned to town alone. He had only once again alluded to his wish that she should accompany him, and that he did quite casually, for she had succeeded in making him content that she should refuse. She had convinced him that her exuberant spirits were altogether too much for him. He had not had an hour"s peace since his arrival, though the place would have held a regiment comfortably; and what would it be if he shut her up in London, in a confined s.p.a.ce comparatively speaking, and against her will too? He left by an early afternoon train, and she drove to the station with him to see him off. She had enjoyed his visit very much--so she said--especially the last part of it, when she had surpa.s.sed herself in ingenious devices to exact attention. All that, while it lasted, really had distracted her; but the occupation was not happiness--far from it! It was a sort of intoxicant rather, which made her oblivious for the moment of her discontent. At every pause, however, remorse possessed her, remorse for the past; yet it never occurred to her that her present misdemeanours would be past in time, and might also entail consequences which would in turn come to be causes of regret.
But, now, when she had succeeded in getting rid of Mr. Kilroy, she was sorry. She stood on the platform watching the train until it was out of sight, and then she returned to her carriage with a distinct feeling of loss and pain. What should she do with the rest of the day? She even thought of the next, and the next, and the next; a long vista of weary days, through which she must live alone and to no purpose, a waste of life, a waste of life--a barren waste, a land of sand and thorns. She wished she was a child again playing pranks with Diavolo; and she also wished that she had never played pranks, since it was so hard to break herself of the habit; yet she enjoyed them still, and a.s.sured herself that she was only discontented now because she had absolutely n.o.body left to torment. Then she tried to imagine what it would be to have Diavolo with her in her present mood, and instantly a squall of conflicting emotions burst in her breast, angry emotions for the most part, because he was no longer with her in either sense of the word, because he was indifferent to all that concerned her inmost soul, and was content to live like a lady himself, a trivial idle life, the chief business of which was pleasure, unremunerative pleasure, upon which he would have had her expend her highest faculties in return for what? Admiring glances at herself--and her gowns _perhaps_!
"But what should she do with the rest of the day?" Her handsome horses were prancing through Morningquest as she asked herself the question; and there was a little milliner on the footway looking up with kindly envy at the lady no older than herself, sitting alone in her splendid carriage with her coachman and footman and _everything_--nothing to do included, very much included, being, in fact, the princ.i.p.al item.
"I should be helping her," thought Angelica. "She is ill-fed, overworked, and weakly, while I am pampered and strong; but there is no rational way for me to do it. If I took her home with me and kept her in luxurious idleness for the rest of her days, as I could very well afford to do, I should only have dragged her down from the dignity of her own honest exertions into the slough of self-indulgence in which I find myself, and made bad worse. _She_ should have more and _I_ should have less; but how to arrive at that? Isolated efforts seem to be abortive--yet--"
she stopped the carriage, and looked back. The girl had disappeared. She desired the coachman to return, and kept him driving up and down some time in the hope of finding her, but the girl was nowhere to be seen, nor could they trace her upon inquiry. "Another opportunity lost," thought Angelica.
"A few pounds in her pocket would have been a few weeks" rest for her, a few good meals, a few innocent pleasures--she would have been strengthened and refreshed; and I should have been the better too for the recollection of a good deed done."
The carriage had pulled up close to the curb, and the footman stood at the door waiting for orders.
"What is there to do?" thought Angelica. "Where shall I go? Not home. The house is empty. Calls? I might as well waste time in that way as any other." She gave the order, and pa.s.sed the next two hours in making calls.
Toward the end of the afternoon, she found herself within about a mile of Hamilton House, and determined to go and see her mother. There was no real confidence between them, but Lady Adeline"s presence was soothing, and Angelica thought she would just like to go and sit in the same room with her, have tea there, and not be worried to talk. These peaceful intentions were frustrated, however, by the presence of some visitors who were there when she arrived, and of others who came pouring in afterward in such numbers, that it seemed as if the whole neighbourhood meant to call that afternoon. Mr. Hamilton-Wells was making tea, and talking as usual with extreme precision. Angelica found him seated at a small but solid black ebony table, with a ma.s.sive silver tea-service before him. He folded his hands when she entered, and, without rising, awaited the erratic kiss which it was her habit to deposit somewhere about his head when she met him; which ceremony concluded, he gravely poured her out a cup of tea, with sugar _and_ milk, but _no_ cream, as he observed; and then he peeped into the teapot, and proceeded to fill it up from the great urn which was bubbling and boiling in front of him. He always made tea in his own house; it was a fad of his, and the more people he had to make it for the better pleased he was. A servant was stationed at his elbow, whose duty it was to place the cups as his master filled them on a silver salver held by another servant, who took them to offer to the visitors who were seated about the room. Angelica knew the ceremony well, and slipped away into a corner, as soon as she could escape from her father"s punctilious inquiries about her own health and her husband"s; and there she became wedged by degrees, as the room grew gradually crowded. Beside her was a mirror, in which she could see all who arrived and all that happened, and involuntarily she became a silent spectator, the medium of the mirror imparting a curious unreality to the scene, which invested it with all the charm of a dream; and, as in a dream, she looked and listened, while clearly, beneath the main current of conversation, and unbroken by the restless change and motion of the people, her own thoughts flowed on consciously and continuously. Half turned from the rest of the room, she sat at a table, listlessly turning the leaves of an alb.u.m, at which she glanced when she was not looking into the mirror.
She saw the party from Morne enter the room--Aunt Fulda and her eternal calm! She looked just the same in the market-place at Morningquest, that unlucky night when the Tenor met the Boy. She was always the same. Is it human to be always the same?
"Who is that lady?" Angelica heard a girl ask of a benevolent looking elderly clergyman who was standing with his back to her. "Oh, that is Lady Fulda Guthrie, the youngest daughter of the Duke of Morningquest," he replied. "She is a Roman Catholic, a pervert as we say, but still a very n.o.ble woman. Religious, too, in spite of the errors of Rome, one must confess it. A pity she ever left us, a great pity--but of course _her_ loss as well as ours. We require such women now, though; but somehow we do not keep them. And I cannot think why."
"Too cold," Angelica"s thoughts ran on. "Hollow, shallow, inconsistent--loveless. Catholicism equals a modern refinement of pagan principles with all the old deities on their best behaviour thrown in; while Protestantism is an ecclesiastical system founded on fetish--"
"You are a stranger in the neighbourhood?" the benevolent old clergyman was saying. "Only on a visit? Ah! then of course you don"t know. They are a remarkable family, somewhat eccentric. Ideala, as they call her, is no relation, only an intimate friend of Lady Claudia Beaumont"s, and of the Marquis of Dawne. The three are usually together. The New Order is an outcome of their ideas, a sort of feminine _vehmgericht_ so well as I can make out. But no good can come out of that kind of thing, and I trust as you are a very young lady--"
"Not so young--I am twenty-two."
"Indeed!" with a smile and a bow--"I should not have thought you more than nineteen. But twenty-two is not a great age either! and I do hope you will not be drawn into that set. They are sadly misguided. The ladies scoff at the wisdom of men, look for inconsistencies, and _laugh_ at them--actually! It is very bad taste, you know; and they call it an impertinence for us to presume to legislate exclusively in matters which specially concern their s.e.x, and also object to the interference of the Church, as being a distinctly masculine organization, in the regulation of their lives. Men, they declare, have always said that they do not understand women, and it is of course the height of folly for them to presume to express opinions upon a subject they do not understand. Now, can anything be more absurd? And it is dangerous besides--absolutely dangerous."
"Yet I hear that they are very good women," the girl ventured, and Angelica thought that she detected a note of derision, levelled at the clerical exponent of these reprehensible ideas, beneath the demure remark.
"Oh, saintlike!" he answered cordially; "but still to blame. Misguided, you know, so I venture to warn you. How can they presume to reject proper direction? Their pride is excessive, but the Church will receive them, and extend her benefits to them still if only they will humble themselves--"
Conversation over the room entered upon a _crescendo_ pa.s.sage at this moment, and Angelica lost the rest of the sentence in the general outburst.
A new voice presently claimed her attention. The speaker was a young man addressing another young man, and both had their backs turned to her, and were looking hard at a portrait of herself hung so low on the wall that they had to stoop to look into it.
"Painted by a good man," were the first words she heard.
"Rather fine face; who is it?"
"Daughter of the house, don"t you know? Old duke"s granddaughter. Married old Kilroy of Ilverthorpe."
"Ah! Then that was done some time ago, I expect."
"Oh, dear, no! Only last year. It was exhibited in the last Academy."
"Then she"s still young?" He peered into the portrait once more with an evident increase of interest. "She looks as if she might be larky."
"Can"t make her out, on my word," was the response, delivered in a tone of strong disapproval. "Married to an elderly chap--not old exactly, but a good twenty years older than herself; who gives her her head to an unlimited extent, yet she says she doesn"t care to have a lot of men bothering about, and, by Jove! she acts as if she meant it. It"s beastly unnatural, you know."
"Well, I must say I like a woman to be a woman," the other rejoined, surveying the portrait from this new point of view. "But that"s the way with all that Guthrie lot--and you know Dawne himself is _pi_!"--so what can you expect of the rest? the tone implied.
Suddenly Angelica felt her face flush. One of her ungovernable fits of fury was upon her. She sprang to her feet, upsetting her chair with a crash, and turned upon the two young men, who, recognizing her, changed colour and countenance, and shrank back apologetically.
Her uncle, seeing something wrong, had hurried across the room to her with anxious eyes.
"Who are those people?" she asked him, indicating the two young men.
Lord Dawne, always all courtesy and consideration himself, was shocked by her tone.
"I think you have met Captain Leicester before," he gravely reminded her.
"Let me introduce--"
"No, for Heaven"s sake!" Angelica broke forth, glaring angrily at the offenders.
She walked away abruptly with the words on her lips, leaving Lord Dawne to settle with the delinquents as he thought fit. Her mother, who was seated at the farther end of the room talking to a charming-looking old lady Angelica did not know, stretched out a hand to her as she approached, and drew her to a seat beside her; and instantly Angelica felt herself in another moral atmosphere.
"This is my daughter, Mrs. Kilroy of Ilverthorpe," Lady Adeline said to the old lady, then added smiling: "There are so many Mrs. Kilroys in this neighbourhood, one is obliged to specify. Angelica, dear, Mrs. Power."
Angelica bowed, and then leaned back in her chair so that she might not have to join in the conversation, but she listened in an absent sort of way, feeling soothed the while by the tone of refinement, of earnestness and sincerity, in which every word was uttered: "No, I am sure," Lady Adeline was saying, "I am sure no one who can judge would mistake that lineless calm for a device to cover all emotion."
"I never have done so myself," Mrs. Power rejoined, "although I do not know her history. But I should say, judging merely from observation, that the fineness of her countenance, which consists more in the expression of it than in either form or feature, though both are good, is the result of long self-repression, self-denial, and stern discipline, the evidence of a true and beautiful soul, and of a n.o.ble mind at rest after some heavy sorrow, or some great temptation, which, being resisted, has proved a blessing and a source of strength."
Angelica wondered of whom they were speaking, and, following the direction, of their eyes, met those of Ideala fixed a little sadly, a little wistfully, upon herself. Young people, as they grow up, find their own life"s history so absorbingly interesting that they think little of what may have happened, or may be happening, to those whom they have always known as "grown up"; and it had never occurred to Angelica that any one of the placid, gentle-mannered women among whom she had always lived, in contrast to them herself as a comet is to the fixed stars, had ever experienced any extremes of emotion. Now, however, she felt as if her eyes had been suddenly opened, and she looked with a new interest at her old familiar friends, and wondered, her mind busy for the moment with what she had just heard. She could not keep it there, however; involuntarily it slipped away--back--back to that first attempt of hers to see the hidden wheels of life go round--the market-place, the Tenor.
Suddenly she felt as if she must suffocate if she did not get out into the air, and rising quickly she stole from the room, and out of the house un.o.bserved. But the babble of voices seemed to pursue her. She stood for a moment on the steps and felt as if the people were all preparing to stream out of the drawing room after her, to surround her, and keep up the distracting buzz in her ears by their idle inconsequent talk. Their horses were prancing about the drive; their empty carriages, with cushions awry and wraps flung untidily down on the seats, or even hanging over the doors and grazing the dusty wheels, gave her a sense of disorder and discomfort from which she felt she must fly.
"Where to, ma"am, please?" the footman asked, touching his hat when he had closed the door.
"Fountain Towers," Angelica answered. She would go and see Dr. Galbraith.
When the carriage drew up under the porch at Fountain Towers, she sat some time as if unaware of the fact; but the footman"s patient face as he waited with his hand on the handle of the door, ready to help her to descend, recalled her.
She walked into the house as she had always been accustomed to do, and instantly thoughts of Diavolo came crowding. Why had Diavolo ceased to be all in all to her? She asked herself the question through a mist of tears which gathered in her eyes, but did not fall, and at the same moment her busy mind took note of the singular appearance of a statue on the staircase as she beheld it in blurred outline through her bedimmed vision.
She found Dr. Galbraith in the library sitting at his writing table. The door was half open, so she entered without knocking, and walked up to him.
He turned at the sound of her step, rose smiling, and held out his hand when he saw who it was.
"I have been thinking about you this afternoon," he remarked. "Sit down."
But before she had settled herself his practised eyes had detected something wrong. "What is it?" he asked.
"Nerves," she answered. "Give me something."
He went to an inner room, and returned presently with a colourless draught in a medicine gla.s.s. She took it from him and drank it mechanically, and then he placed a cushion for her, and she leant back in the deep armchair, and closed her eyes. Dr. Galbraith looked at her for a few seconds seriously, and then returned to his writing. Presently Lord Dawne came in, and raised his eyebrows inquiringly when he saw Angelica, who seemed to be asleep.