"When I give the word, you"ll move forward and undo the straps that are holding me. And your motivation will be-Best Actor in a Brain-Drained performance!!"
Even a mindless actor can"t resist the thought of an acting award. The fact that he was operating with an empty brain made it natural for him to follow the orders of whoever appeared to be the director. And right now, there was no direction coming from Professor Brain-Drain.
"Lights! Camera! Action!" I ordered.
To my surprise-it worked! The hulking dummy lumbered forward, bent over me, and undid my restraints. As I got up from my seat, I grabbed the Oomphlifier and shoved it into Hal"s hand. The Professor may have accused him of not having much brainpower, but he knew exactly what to do.
Just then, I was grabbed by the Deadly Dumbot as if I were an award statuette.
"I"d like to thank my dermatologist ..." he started to mumble just as Halogen Boy turned on his power with every ounce of strength he had.
"Close your eyes," I shouted to Plasma Girl and Tadpole, squeezing mine shut.
Even with them clenched shut, I could tell that Halogen Boy, with the aid of the Oomphlifier, was flooding the room with a light so brilliant that it would momentarily blind anyone whose eyes were open. I felt the strong arm of the Deadly Dumbot release me as he used it to shield his eyes. Feeling my way back to the Brain Capacitor, I found the restraining belt on one of my teammates and undid it.
"Thanks, O Boy," I heard Plasma Girl say. "I knew you could do it."
I immediately shifted to the left and removed Tadpole"s restraint, while Plasma Girl did the same for Hal on the right. I could tell through my clenched eyes that his light was fading. The Professor had been right about the Oomphlifier only having a small charge at the moment. But it had been enough to help us get free. I opened my eyes and saw that the Deadly Dumbots as well as the Tyc.o.o.n, the Amazing Indestructo, and Professor Brain-Drain were still temporarily blinded. But I knew they wouldn"t be for long.
"Let"s get out of here," I suggested. We all turned to run for the exit.
We"d only made it about a dozen feet, however, when I ran smack into the softest, mushiest belly that a person could have. As I bounced onto my b.u.t.t, I looked up to see the Crimson Creampuff smiling down at me. The League of Ultimate Goodness had arrived.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE.
LUG"s in Action
At this point I had no idea who was a hero and who wasn"t, so my plan was to keep running toward the exit. The Crimson Creampuff was so fat and so mushy, though, that I was having a hard time getting around him.
"Whoa there, little buddy," he said. "There"s nothing to worry about. The League of Ultimate Goodness is here to defend you. And more help is on the way once Moleman figures out how to dig his way up to the seventy-fifth floor."
I noticed that Spaghetti Man had stepped in front of Hal to protect him, and Major b.u.mmer was using his huge behind to shield Tadpole. Whistlin" Dixie was also there, down on one knee talking to Plasma Girl.
"Thar, thar, lil" darlin", what"s goin" on here?" she asked in a down-home sort of way, tipping her rhinestone cowgirl hat. ""Tain"t nothin" the league can"t handle."
"It"s the Deadly Dumbots," Plasma Girl shouted. "They"re coming after us again!"
Sure enough, the momentary blindness had pa.s.sed, and not only were the six Deadly Dumbots attacking, but Professor Brain-Drain was fully in control of them again.
"Well, we"ll all jes see "bout that," promised Whistlin" Dixie as she stood to face the approaching Dumbots. "Wait "til they get a listen ta my high C."
Taking a deep breath, the so-called Siren of South Superopolis whistled out a single note-a perfectly pitched high C. Unfortunately, it wasn"t high enough to effectively do anything, and the Dumbots kept coming. What I found most impressive was that Dixie kept the note going strong and steady even as she grabbed Plasma Girl and started backing toward the main entrance.
"We"ll handle them," said the Crimson Creampuff as he and Spaghetti Man stepped in front of Whistlin" Dixie and Plasma Girl.
Two of the Dumbots went right for the Crimson Creampuff and began punching him. Unfazed, he merely stood there and smiled. Their fists sank deep into his flabby layers of fat. Of course, he didn"t seem to be fighting back. Maybe his strategy was to just stand there getting beat up until the attackers were worn out.
Meanwhile, Spaghetti Man was shooting out ropes of spaghetti from his fingertips. They coiled themselves around one of the approaching Dumbots, slowing it down. Unfortunately, it would have taken someone with less than zero intelligence to be trapped for long by wet noodles. Sure enough, the Dumbot simply raised its arms, and the flimsy pasta tore apart and slid to the floor.
"Holy Bolognese!" shouted Spaghetti Man as he turned and fled past Tadpole and Major b.u.mmer, leaving Hal to fend for himself.
"Don"t you think you should be trying to stop at least one of those guys?" Tadpole asked the major accusingly.
"I don"t know why we"re even bothering," groaned Major b.u.mmer. "We can never win without AI"s help anyway."
I overheard this comment from the seriously [image]
depressed superhero and it suddenly made me think: where was was the Amazing Indestructo? He could stop these Deadly Dumbots in a heartbeat. I looked back, keeping myself hidden behind one of Professor BrainDrain"s pieces of equipment. Unfortunately, what I found was that AI was still down on his knees, his head lowered and sobbing. the Amazing Indestructo? He could stop these Deadly Dumbots in a heartbeat. I looked back, keeping myself hidden behind one of Professor BrainDrain"s pieces of equipment. Unfortunately, what I found was that AI was still down on his knees, his head lowered and sobbing.
I would have to cheer the big guy up and get him out fighting. But just as I stepped out from behind the machine, I felt two invisible arms wrap around me.
"The Sneak," I grumbled. "Let me go, you creepy chameleon."
"Sssorry, sssonny," he hissed, "the bossss ha.s.ss plansss for you."
As he hauled me back over to the Brain Capacitor, I saw that Professor Brain-Drain"s Deadly Dumbots had made short work of the League of Ultimate Goodness. Spaghetti Man was wrapped up in his own strands of pasta, apparently the only person in the world who couldn"t break through them. One of the Dumbots was holding Whistlin" Dixie by her rhinestone bolero jacket with one hand and Plasma Girl with the other. Major b.u.mmer, who had basically just given up and sat down on his big behind, was being guarded by another Dumbot, while yet another held Tadpole, who at least was trying to break free. Halogen Boy was similarly ensnared. None of my friends" powers had returned enough to be of any use.
The remaining two Deadly Dumbots seemed to be using the Crimson Creampuff as a soccer ball. It was pretty pathetic.
"Well now, that wasn"t very difficult, was it?" Professor Brain-Drain cackled as he stepped in front of me. "Nevertheless, this has been far more trouble than I am used to dealing with. As you can see, I"ve known for quite some time how to handle Superopolis"s greatest hero." He gestured over toward the Amazing Indestructo. "I may be his greatest nemesis, but he"s never been mine."
He silently stared at me for a few moments through those thick, blank-looking gla.s.ses. "You, however, seem to be the primary cause of today"s turmoil." It was almost like I could see the gears turning in his head as he planned his next move.
"Sneak, strap him back to the Brain Capacitor," he finally spoke.
"a.s.ss you wisssh," Sneak replied.
While the Sneak was buckling me back in, this time all by myself, Professor Brain-Drain bent over and retrieved the handheld Oomphlifier that Hal had drained and discarded only a few moments earlier. I watched him plug it into the charging device, which in turn was hooked into the Brain Capacitor itself.
"Now, let"s see exactly what we have here," the Professor mused as he lowered the shiny silver dome onto my head.
This time the helmet was set in place and I heard Professor Brain-Drain switch on the measuring gauge. He gasped.
"Great gamma globulins!" he exclaimed. "This is impossible."
"What"s impossible?" I shouted.
I was worried that something was wrong. Wait-I should clarify that. I was worried something was wrong other other than the fact that an evil genius had me strapped to a machine that would soon suck out all my intelligence. than the fact that an evil genius had me strapped to a machine that would soon suck out all my intelligence.
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Brain-Drain paid no attention to me. Instead, he reached over to the charging device that the Oomphlifier was plugged into, and switched it on. He then reached for the Brain Capacitor"s main switch and turned it on as well. I instantly felt a tingle running through my head. Exactly one second later I heard a bell go ping on the charging device.
"What"s happened?" I asked with alarm, wondering if my intelligence was all gone. I shuddered at the thought that it could have taken only a second. Then I realized that the very fact I could ask myself those questions meant my intelligence was still intact. The only explanation had to be that the machine had failed somehow. Or had it? Professor Brain-Drain did not look unhappy. In fact he looked positively ecstatic as he raised his left hand and extended a long bony finger toward my skull.
Then I realized he was planning to finish the job by manually draining the rest of my brain directly into his own. But just as Professor Brain-Drain"s finger was about to touch my forehead, a strange thing happened-a taxicab came flying through the hole in the wall that the Amazing Indestructo had created. As we all turned to watch, it came screeching to a halt in the middle of the Professor"s lair. What was even odder was the fact that Stench was lying on top of it.
CHAPTER THIRTY.
The New New Crusaders
As the Levitator stepped out of the car, it became clear how a taxicab had gotten up to the seventy-fifth floor of a skysc.r.a.per. I guessed that once Lev had raised the taxi to the proper height, Stench had used his own particular talent to propel the car through the hole in the wall. The Levitator was followed out of the cab by the Big Bouncer, Windbag, and ...
"Dad!" I hollered. "He"s trying to drain my brain!" I hollered. "He"s trying to drain my brain!"
"Over my dead body," my dad growled, heading for Professor Brain-Drain, his hands already glowing bright red.
"Look out, Dad," I warned him.
Three Deadly Dumbots came right at him. One of them dove at my father and knocked him to the ground. The other two piled on a moment later. I immediately heard one of them start to scream, and I knew Dad was laying on the heat. Thankfully, additional help was also on the way.
The Big Bouncer came crashing through, knocking two of the Dumbots off my father. Next, the Levitator grabbed both Dumbots by the ankles and hoisted them harmlessly into the air where they couldn"t reach any of us.
The remaining three Dumbots came running toward the new arrivals, but they ran into a solid blast of air from Windbag.
Now free, the members of the League of Ultimate Goodness rejoined the fight as well. Spaghetti Man grabbed an umbrella and used it to whack one of the Dumbots. Major b.u.mmer sat down on the one who had been guarding him and began telling him all his troubles. Whistlin" Dixie provided an exciting background fight melody. And the Crimson Creampuff, no longer being used as a kickball, was renewing some family ties.
"BB!" he shouted at the Big Bouncer. "It"s me!"
"CC?" the Big Bouncer replied. "What are you doing here, little brother?"
"I"m here to kick some bad guy b.u.t.t!" he yelled. "Are you ready to help me?"
"Let"s do it," BB answered.
With that, the Big Bouncer propelled himself into an oncoming Dumbot and sent him sailing right toward his younger brother. The Dumbot landed right in the center of the Crimson Creampuff"s ample belly and seconds later was ricocheting into the upper recesses of Brain-Drain"s lair.
"This just won"t do at all," Professor Brain-Drain commented mildly as he watched his Deadly Dumbots being dispatched one by one. Retrieving the Oomphlifier and shoving it into his pocket, he turned back to me. "I believe it"s time to depart. And you you will be coming with me." will be coming with me."
"Wait a minute!" a voice shouted to the Professor. It was the Tyc.o.o.n. "Don"t forget your contracts. When you"ve had a chance to look them over, just sign them and send them back to me."
The Professor grabbed the briefcase full of contracts in one hand. Then, quickly unlatching me from the Brain Capacitor, he grabbed me by the arm and dragged me behind him up the central circular stairway. Dad was still fighting with a pair of Dumbots and couldn"t see what was happening.
"Up we go to the blimp." Professor Brain-Drain cheerily hummed to himself. "Do you enjoy blimps? Of course you do. All children love blimps."
"Let me go." I struggled. "And, no, I don"t like blimps!"-even though I sort of did.
But I couldn"t break free of that skeletal grip that crazy old men always seem to have, and soon we were up on the catwalk that led to the moorings where the blimp awaited us. As we got closer, I saw the Multiplier in the gondola carriage.
"Lock the boy in the blimp," said the Professor to the Multiplier, handing over me and the briefcase full of contracts. "Then come with me."
The Multiplier did as he was told. Trapped in the blimp I watched the Professor and the Multiplier head over to a small room where I a.s.sumed the tethering mechanism was located. As they disappeared, I turned to check out the interior of the blimp. It actually looked fairly homey. In fact, it looked like an entertainment room. There was a small kitchen area, a television set, a rug, some furniture, and ... a Ping-Pong table? Well, why not?
Maybe it was just a habit, but with nothing else to do, I instinctively walked over and turned on the TV. To my surprise, what popped onto the screen was a shot of the Professor"s lair. And it was a live shot. I could see the battle going on between the Deadly Dumbots, the League of Ultimate Goodness, and my father"s team (I couldn"t quite bring myself to call them by their awful new name just yet).
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The Multiplier and Professor Brain-Drain soon reappeared. The Professor seemed a little jittery as he stepped into the gondola, but he was calm again by the time he took the controls of the blimp and began backing it away from the spire of the Vertigo Building.
Just then I heard an explosion, and a blinding flash illuminated even the darkest nooks and crannies of the spire"s interior. For a moment I thought I saw a figure in white still standing on the catwalk. The Sneak The Sneak, I thought to myself. He got left behind! Ha! He got left behind! Ha! And then there was another burst of color. From the chords of calliope music I was hearing, my bet was that Tadpole And then there was another burst of color. From the chords of calliope music I was hearing, my bet was that Tadpole [image]
had gotten his hands on the Combustible Calliope and was giving it its test run.
I turned back to the screen to see if anyone would be coming to my rescue anytime soon. Things down below looked like they were just about wrapped up even amid the fireworks. Stench had grabbed the Levitator"s two Dumbots right out of the air and, knocked their heads together, leaving them unconscious. Counting the one that had been put out of commission by the Crimson Creampuff and the Big Bouncer, and the two that Major b.u.mmer and Spaghetti Man had incapacitated, only one was still causing trouble.
Dad finally got the last Dumbot off him-the Professor Brain-Drain with hair-by pressing his hands against the mindless creature"s face and delivered a searing blast of heat. It ran off howling with a bright red handprint on each cheek. Then Dad was on his feet in under a second, calling out for me.
"OB!" I could hear him holler both on the screen and from a distance, even though the blimp was drifting away from the building at that point.
"I"m on the blmmmp," I tried to holler back just as the Multiplier covered my mouth with his hand.
But Dad had heard me, and I could see him standing in the gaping hole in the side of the building staring back helplessly at me. I should have known he wouldn"t let that stop him though.
Desperately, he looked about the laboratory and immediately spotted the invention that Brain-Drain had called the Icarus III. Jumping aboard it he began to pedal. The wings started flapping right away and he was soon barreling toward the hole in the wall. Fortunately, the wings fell off almost immediately. If they had waited until he was out of the building it would have been bad news for Dad. On the TV, I watched him bolt over to the Levitator.
"Lev, you"ve gotta get me out to that blimp," he implored.
"I wish I could, Thermo," he said helplessly. "But I can only levitate things up and down. I"m not the Propellerator!"
"This guy can get you there," Windbag said huffily, pointing at the Amazing Indestructo.
I could see that AI wasn"t sobbing anymore, but he still looked beaten down. Tentatively, he glanced up as all four members of the New New Crusaders stepped up to him. Okay, so I said it. But it"s still a stupid name for a team.
"What about it, AI?" said the Big Bouncer. "Thermo"s son is on that blimp and you"re the only one who can get Thermo over to it."