Myra rose. "I"ll come again and straighten up in a day or two."
She turned back at the foot of the steps.
"Robin," she said, with a wistful, uncertain smile, "if Doris _does_ will you let me help you pick up the pieces?"
Hollister stared at her a second.
"G.o.d G.o.d!" he broke out. "Do you realize what you"re saying?"
"Perfectly."
"You"re a strange woman."
"Yes, I suppose I am," she returned. "But my strangeness is only an acceptance, as a natural fact, of instincts and cravings and desires that women are taught to repress. If I find that I"ve gone swinging around an emotional circle and come back to the point, or the man, where I started, why should I shrink from that, or from admitting it--or from acting on it if it seemed good to me?"
She came back to where Hollister sat on the steps. She put her hand on his knee, looked searchingly into his face. Her pansy-blue eyes met his steadily. The expression in them stirred Hollister.
"Mind you, Robin, I don"t think your Doris is superficial enough to be repelled by a facial disfigurement. She seems instinctively to know and feel and understand so many things that I"ve only learned by bitter experience. She would never have made the mistakes I"ve made. I don"t think your face will make you any the less her man. But if it does--I was your first woman. I did love you, Robin. I could again. I could creep back into your arms if they were empty, and be glad. Would it seem strange?"
And still Hollister stared dumbly. He heard her with a little rancor, a strange sense of the futility of what she said. Why hadn"t she acquired this knowledge of herself long ago? It was too late now. The old fires were dead. But if the new one he had kindled to warm himself were to be extinguished, could he go back and bask in the warmth that smoldered in this woman"s eyes? He wondered. And he felt a faint irritation, as if some one had accused him of being faithless.
"Do you think it"s strange that I should feel and speak like this?"
Myra persisted. "Do people never profit by their mistakes? Am I so unlovable a creature? Couldn"t you either forget or forgive?"
He shook his head.
"It isn"t that." His voice sounded husky, uncertain. "We can"t undo what"s done, that"s all. I cross no more bridges before I come to them."
"Don"t mistake me, Robin," she said with a self-conscious little laugh. "I"m no lovesick flapper. Neither am I simply a voluptuous creature seeking a new sensation. I don"t feel as if I couldn"t live without you. But I do feel as if I could come back to you again and it would be a little like coming home after a long, disappointing journey. When I see you suffering, I want to comfort you. If she makes you suffer, I shall be unhappy unless I can make you feel that life still holds something good. If I could do that, I should perhaps find life good myself. And it doesn"t seem much good to me, any more. I"m still selfish. I want to be happy. And I can"t find happiness anywhere. I look back to our old life and I envy myself. If the war marred your face and made you suffer, remember what it has done to me.
Those months and months that dragged into years in London. Oh, I know I was weak. But I was used to love. I craved it. I used to lie awake thinking about you, in a fever of protest because you could not be there with me, in a perfect pa.s.sion of resentment at the circ.u.mstances that kept you away; until it seemed to me that I had never had you, that there was no such man, that all our life together was only a dream. Think what the war did to us. How it has left us--you scarred and hopeless; I, scarred by my pa.s.sions and emotions. That is all the war did for any one--scarred them, those it didn"t kill. Oh, Robin, Robin, life seems a ghastly mockery, sometimes. It promises so much and gives so little."
She bent her head. Her shoulders shook with sobs she tried to strangle. Hollister put his hand on the thick coils of honey-colored hair. He was sorry for her--and for himself. And he was disturbed to find that the touch of her hair, the warm pressure of her hands on his knee, made his blood run faster.
The curious outbreak spent itself. She drew herself away from him, and rising to her feet without a word she walked rapidly away along the path by the river.
Hollister looked after her. He was troubled afresh, and he thought to himself that he must avoid scenes like that. He was not, it appeared, wholly immune from the old virus.
And he was clearly conscious of the cold voice of reason warning him against Myra. Sitting there in the shadow of his silent house, he puzzled over these new complexities of feeling. He was a little bewildered. To him Doris meant everything that Myra had once been. He wanted only to retain what he had. He did not want to salvage anything from the wreckage of the past. He was too deeply concerned with the dreadful test that fully restored eyesight would impose on Doris. He knew that Doris Cleveland"s feeling for him had been profound and vital. She had given too many proofs for him to doubt that. But would it survive? He did not know. He hoped a little and feared much.
Above this fear he found himself now bewildered by this fresh swirl of emotion. He knew that if Myra had flung herself into his arms he would have found some strange comfort in that embrace, that he could not possibly have repulsed her. It was a prop to his soul--or was it, he asked himself, merely his vanity?--that Myra could look behind the grimness of his features and dwell fondly on the essential man, on the reality behind that dreadful mask.
Still, Hollister knew that to be only a mood, that unexpected tenderness for a woman whom he had hated for betraying him. It was Doris he wanted. The thought of her pa.s.sing out of his life rested upon him like an intolerable burden. To be in doubt of her afflicted him with anguish. That the fires of her affection might dwindle and die before daily sight of him loomed before Hollister as the consummation of disaster,--and he seemed to feel that hovering near, closely impending.
That they had lived together sixteen months did not count. That she had borne him a child,--neither did that count. That she had pillowed her brown head nightly in the crook of his arm--that he had bestowed a thousand kisses on her lips, her hair, her neck--that she had lain beside him hour after hour through the long nights, drowsily content--none of these intimacies counted beside vision. He was a stranger in the dark. She did not know him. She heard his voice, knew his tenderness, felt the touch of him,--the unseen lover. But there remained for her the revelation of sight. He was still the mysterious, the unknown, about which her fancies played.
How could he know what image of him, what ideal, resided tenaciously in her mind, and whether it would survive the shock of reality? That was the root of Hollister"s fear, a definite well-grounded fear. He found himself hoping that promise of sight would never be fulfilled, that the veil would not be lifted, that they would go on as they were.
And he would feel ashamed of such a thought. Sight was precious. Who was he to deny her that mercy,--she who loved the sun and the hills and the sea; all the sights of earth and sky which had been shut away so long; she who had crept into his arms many a time, weeping pa.s.sionate tears because all the things she loved were forever wrapped in darkness?
If upon Hollister had been bestowed the power to grant her sight or to withhold it, he would have shrunk from a decision. Because he loved her he wished her to see, to experience the joy of dawn following that long night in which she groped her way. But he dreaded lest that light gladdening her eyes should mean darkness for him, a darkness in which everything he valued would be lost.
Then some voice within him whispered suggestively that in this darkness Myra would be waiting with outstretched hands,--and Hollister frowned and tried not to think of that.
CHAPTER XIX
At noon next day Hollister left the mess-house table and went out to sit in the sun and smoke a pipe beyond the Rabelaisian gabble of his crew. While he sat looking at the peaks north of the valley, from which the June sun was fast stripping even the higher snows, he saw a man bent under a shoulder pack coming up the slope that dropped away westward toward the Toba"s mouth. He came walking by stumps and through thickets until he was near the camp. Then Hollister recognized him as Charlie Mills. He saw Hollister, came over to where he sat, and throwing off his pack made a seat of it, wiping away the sweat that stood in shining drops on his face.
"Well, I"m back, like the cat that couldn"t stay away," Mills said.
The same queer undercurrent of melancholy, of sadness, the same hint of pain colored his words,--a subtle matter of inflection, of tone.
The shadowy expression of some inner conflict hovered in his dark eyes. Again Hollister felt that indefinable urge of sympathy for this man who seemed to suffer with teeth grimly clenched, so that no complaint ever escaped him. A strange man, tenacious of his black moods.
"How"s everything?" Mills asked. "You"ve made quite a hole here since I left. Can I go to work again?"
"Sure," Hollister replied. "This summer will just about clean up the cedar here. You may as well help it along, if you want to work."
"It isn"t a case of wanting to. I"ve got to," Mills said under his breath. Already he was at his old trick of absent staring into s.p.a.ce, while his fingers twisted tobacco and paper into a cigarette. "I"d go crazy loafing. I"ve been trying that. I"ve been to Alaska and to Oregon, and blew most of the stake I made here in riotous living." He curled his lip disdainfully. "It"s no good. Might as well be here as anywhere. So I came back--like the cat."
He fell silent again, looking through the trees out over the stone rim under which Bland"s house stood by the river. He sat there beside Hollister until the bolt gang, moving out of the bunk house to work, saw and hailed him. He answered briefly. Then he rose without another word to Hollister and carried in his pack. Hollister saw him go about selecting tools, shoulder them and walk away to work in the timber.
That night Hollister wakened out of a sound sleep to sniff the air that streamed in through his open windows. It was heavy with the pungent odor of smoke. He rose and looked out. The silence of night lay on the valley, over the dense forest across the river, upon the fir-swathed southern slope. No leaf stirred. Nothing moved. It was still as death. And in this hushed blackness--lightened only by a pale streak in the north and east that was the reflection of snowy mountain crests standing stark against the sky line--this smoky wraith crept along the valley floor. No red glow greeted Hollister"s sight. There was nothing but the smell of burning wood, that acrid, warm, heavy odor of smoke, the invisible herald of fire. It might be over the next ridge. It might be in the mouth of the valley. It might be thirty miles distant. He went back to bed, to lie with that taint of smoke in his nostrils, thinking of Doris and the boy, of himself, of Charlie Mills, of Myra, of Archie Lawanne. He saw ghosts in that dusky chamber, ghosts of other days, and trooping on the heels of these came apparitions of a muddled future,--until he fell asleep again, to be awakened at last by a hammering on his door.
The light of a flash-lamp revealed a logger from the Carr settlement below. The smoke was rolling in billows when Hollister stepped outside. Down toward the Inlet"s head there was a red flare in the sky.
"We got to get everybody out to fight that," the man said. "She started in the mouth of the river last night. If we don"t check it and the wind turns right, it"ll clean the whole valley. We sent a man to pull your crew off the hill."
In the growing dawn, Hollister and the logger went down through woods thick with smoke. They routed Lawanne out of his cabin, and he joined them eagerly. He had never seen a forest fire. What bore upon the woodsmen chiefly as a malignant, destructive force affected Lawanne as something that promised adventure, as a spectacle which aroused his wonder, his curious interest in vast, elemental forces unleashed. They stopped at Bland"s and pressed him into service.
In an hour they were deployed before the fire, marshalled to the attack under men from Carr"s, woodsmen experienced in battle against the red enemy, this spoiler of the forest with his myriad tongues of flame and breath of suffocating smoke.
In midsummer the night airs in those long inlets and deep valleys move always toward the sea. But as day grows and the sun swings up to its zenith, there comes a shift in the aerial currents. The wind follows the course of the sun until it settles in the westward, and sometimes rises to a gale. It was that rising of the west wind that the loggers feared. It would send the fire sweeping up the valley. There would be no stopping it. There would be nothing left in its wake but the blackened earth, smoking roots, and a few charred trunks standing gaunt and unlovely amid the ruin.
So now they strove to create a barrier which the fire should not pa.s.s.
It was not a task to be perfunctorily carried on, there was no time for malingering. There was a very real incitement to great effort.
Their property was at stake; their homes and livelihood; even their lives, if they made an error in the course and speed of the fire"s advance and were trapped.
They cut a lane through the woods straight across the valley floor from the river to where the southern slope pitched sharply down. They felled the great trees and dragged them aside with powerful donkey engines to manipulate their gear. They cleared away the brush and the dry windfalls until this lane was bare as a traveled road--so that when the fire ate its way to this barrier there was a clear s.p.a.ce in which should fall harmless the sparks and embers flung ahead by the wind.
There, at this labor, the element of the spectacular vanished. They could not attack the enemy with excited cries, with brandished weapons. They could not even see the enemy. They could hear him, they could smell the resinous odor of his breath. That was all. They laid their defenses against him with methodical haste, chopping, heaving, hauling the steel cables here and there from the donkeys, sweating in the blanket of heat that overlaid the woods, choking in the smoke that rolled like fog above them and about them. And always in each man"s mind ran the uneasy thought of the west wind rising.
But throughout the day the west wind held its breath. The flames crawled, ate their way instead of leaping hungrily. The smoke rose in dun clouds above the burning area and settled in gray vagueness all through the woods, drifting in wisps, in streamers, in fantastic curlings, pungent, acrid, choking the men. The heat of the fire and the heat of the summer sun in a windless sky made the valley floor a sweat-bath in which the loggers worked stripped to undershirts and overalls, blackened with soot and grime.
Night fell. The fire had eaten the heart out of a block half a mile square. It was growing. A redness brightened the sky. Lurid colors fluttered above the hottest blaze. A flame would run with incredible agility up the trunk of a hundred-foot cedar to fling a yellow banner from the topmost boughs, to color the billowing smoke, the green of nearby trees, to wave and gleam and shed coruscating spark-showers and die down again to a dull glow.
Through the short night the work went on. Here and there a man"s weariness grew more than he could bear, and he would lie down to sleep for an hour or two. They ate food when it was brought to them. Always, while they could keep their feet, they worked.