But, poor soul! even as he insists, the agony within rises, breaks up, overwhelms the picture. He lives again through the jars and frets of those few burning days, the growing mistrust of them, the sense of jealous terror and insecurity--and then through the anguish of desertion and loss. He writhes again under the wrenching apart of their half-fused lives--under this intolerable ache of his own wound.
_This_ the best of pa.s.sion! Why his whole soul is still athirst and ahungered. Not a single craving of it has been satisfied. What is killing him is the sense of a thwarted gift, a baffled faculty--the faculty of self-spending, self-surrender.
This, the best?
Then the mind fell into a whirlwind of half-articulate debate, from the darkness of which emerged two scenes--fragments--set clear in a pa.s.sing light of memory.
That workman and his wife standing together before the day"s toil--the woman"s contented smile as her look clung to the mean departing figure.
And far, far back in his boyish life--Margaret sitting beside "Lias in the damp autumn dawn, spending on his dying weakness that exquisite, ineffable pa.s.sion of tenderness, of pity.
Ah! from the very beginning he had been in love with loving. He drew the labouring breath of one who has staked his all for some long-coveted gain, and lost.
Well!--Mr. Ancrum may be right--the English Puritan may be right--"sin" and "law" may have after all some of those mysterious meanings his young a.n.a.lysis had impetuously denied them--he and Elise may have been only dashing themselves against the hard facts of the world"s order, while they seemed to be transcending the common lot and spurning the common ways. What matter now! A certain impatient defiance rises in his stricken soul. He has made shipwreck of this one poor opportunity of life--confessed! now let the G.o.d behind it punish, if G.o.d there be. _"The rest is silence.
"_ With Elise in his arms, he had grasped at immortality. Now a stubborn, everlasting "Nay" possesses him. There is nothing beyond.
He gathered up his letter, folded it, and put it into the breast--pocket of his coat. But in doing so his fingers touched once more the ragged edges of a bit of frayed paper.
_Louie!_
Through all these half-sane days and nights he had never once thought of his sister. She had pa.s.sed out of his life--she had played no part even in the nightmares of his dreams.
But now!--while that intense denial of any reality in the universe beyond and behind this masque of life and things was still vibrating through his deepest being, it was as though a hand gently drew aside a curtain, and there grew clear before him, slowly effacing from his eyes the whole grandiose spectacle of buildings, sky, and river, that scene of the past which had worked so potently both in his childish sense and in Reuben"s maturer conscience--the bare room, the iron bed, the dying man, one child within his arm, the other a frightened baby beside him.
It was frightfully clear, clearer than it had ever been in any normal state of brain, and as his mind lingered on it, unconsciously shaping, deepening its own creation, the weird impression grew that the helpless figure amid the bedclothes rose on its elbow, opened its cavernous eyes, and looked at him face to face, at the son whose childish heart had beat against his father"s to the last. The boy"s tortured soul quailed afresh before the curse his own remorse called into those eyes.
He hung over the water pleading with the phantom--defending himself. Every now and then he found that he was speaking aloud; then he would look round with a quick, piteous terror to see whether he had been heard or no, the parched lips beginning to move again almost before his fear was soothed.
All his past returned upon him, with its obligations, its fetters of conscience and kinship, so slowly forged, so often resisted and forgotten, and yet so strong. The moment marked the first pa.s.sing away of the philtre, but it brought no recovery with it.
_"My G.o.d! my G.o.d! I tried, father--I tried. But she is lost, lost--as I am!"_
Then a thought found entrance and developed. He walked up and down the quay, wrestling it out, returning slowly and with enormous difficulty, because of his physical state, to some of the normal estimates and relations of life.
At last he dragged himself off towards his hotel. He must have some sleep, or how could these hours that yet remained be lived through--his scheme carried out?
On the way he went into a shop still open on the boulevard. When he came out he thrust his purchase into his pocket, b.u.t.toned his coat over it, and pursued his way northwards with a brisker step.
CHAPTER XI
Two days afterwards David stood at the door of a house in the outskirts of the Auteuil district of Paris. The street had a half-finished, miscellaneous air; new buildings of the villa type were mixed up with old and dingy houses standing in gardens, which had been evidently overtaken by the advancing stream of Paris, having once enjoyed a considerable amount of country air and s.p.a.ce.
It was at the garden gate of one of these older houses that David rang, looking about him the while at the mean irregular street and the ill-kept side-walks with their heaps of cinders and refuse.
A powerfully built woman appeared, scowling, in answer to the bell.
At first she flatly refused the new-comer admission. But David was prepared. He set to work to convince her that he was not a Paris creditor, and, further, that he was well aware M. Montjoie was not at home, since he had pa.s.sed him on the other side of the road, apparently hurrying to the railway station, only a few minutes before. He desired simply to see madame. At this the woman"s expression changed somewhat. She showed, however, no immediate signs of letting him in, being clearly chosen and paid to be a watch-dog. Then David brusquely put his hand in his pocket. Somehow he must get this harridan out of the way at once! The same terror was upon him that had been upon him now for many days and nights--of losing command of himself, of being no more able to do what he had to do.
The creature studied him, put out a greedy palm, developed a smile still more repellent than her brutality, and let him in.
He found himself in a small, neglected garden; in front of him, to the right, a wretched, weather-stained house, bearing every mark of poverty and dilapidation, while to the left there stretched out from the house a long gla.s.s structure, also in miserable condition--a sculptor"s studio, as he guessed.
His guide led him to the studio-door. Madame was there a few minutes ago. As they approached, David stopped.
"I will knock. You may go back to the house. I am madame"s brother."
She looked at him once more, reluctant. Then, in the clearer light of the garden, the likeness of the face to one she already knew struck her with amazement; she turned and went off, muttering.
David knocked at the door; there was a movement within, and it was cautiously opened.
"_Monsieur est sorti._--You!"
The brother and sister were face to face.
David closed the door behind him, and Louie retreated slowly, her hands behind her, her tall figure drawing itself up, her face setting into a frowning scorn.
"_You!_--what are you here for? We have done with each other!"
For answer David went up to a stove which was feebly burning in the damp, cheerless place, put down his hat and stick, and bent over it, stretching out his hands to the warmth. A chair was beside it, and on the chair some scattered bits of silk and velvet, out of which Louie was apparently fashioning a hat.
She stood still, observing him. She was in a loose dress of some silky Oriental material, and on her black hair she wore a red close-fitting cap with a fringe of golden coins dropping lightly and richly round her superb head and face.
"What is the matter with you?" she asked him grimly, after a minute"s silence." She has left you--that"s plain!"
The young man involuntarily threw back his head as though he had been struck, and a vivid colour rushed into his cheek. But he answered quickly:
"We need not discuss my affairs. I did not come here to speak of them. They are beyond mending. I came to see--before I go--whether there is anything I can do to help you."
"Much obliged to you!" she cried, flinging herself down on the edge of a rough board platform, whereon stood a fresh and vigorous clay-study, for which she had just been posing, to judge from her dress. Beyond was the Maenad. And in the distance loomed a great block of marble, upon which masons had been working that afternoon.
"I am _greatly_ obliged to you!" she repeated mockingly, taking the crouching att.i.tude of an animal ready to attack. "You are a pattern brother."
Her glowing looks expressed the enmity and contempt she was at the moment too excited to put into words.
David drew his hand across his eyes with a long breath. How was he to get through it, this task of his, with this swollen, aching brain and these trembling limbs? Louie _must_ let him speak; he bitterly felt his physical impotence to wrestle with her.
He went up to her slowly and sat down beside her. She drew away from him with a violent movement. But he laid his hand upon her knee--a shaking hand which his impatient will tried in vain to steady.
"Louie, look at me!" he commanded.
She did so unwillingly, but the proud repulsion of her lip did not relax.
"Well, I dare say you look pretty bad. Whose fault is it? everybody else but you knew what the creature was worth. Ask anybody!"
The lad"s frame straightened and steadied. He took his hand from her knee.