Bimala"s Story
XV
FOR a time I was utterly at a loss to think of any way of getting that money. Then, the other day, in the light of intense excitement, suddenly the whole picture stood out clear before me.
Every year my husband makes a reverence-offering of six thousand rupees to my sister-in-law at the time of the Durga Puja. Every year it is deposited in her account at the bank in Calcutta.
This year the offering was made as usual, but it has not yet been sent to the bank, being kept meanwhile in an iron safe, in a corner of the little dressing-room attached to our bedroom.
Every year my husband takes the money to the bank himself. This year he has not yet had an opportunity of going to town. How could I fail to see the hand of Providence in this? The money has been held up because the country wants it--who could have the power to take it away from her to the bank? And how can I have the power to refuse to take the money? The G.o.ddess revelling in destruction holds out her blood-cup crying: "Give me drink. I am thirsty." I will give her my own heart"s blood with that five thousand rupees. Mother, the loser of that money will scarcely feel the loss, but me you will utterly ruin!
Many a time, in the old days, have I inwardly called the Senior Rani a thief, for I charged her with wheedling money out of my trusting husband. After her husband"s death, she often used to make away with things belonging to the estate for her own use.
This I used to point out to my husband, but he remained silent.
I would get angry and say: "If you feel generous, make gifts by all means, but why allow yourself to be robbed?" Providence must have smiled, then, at these complaints of mine, for tonight I am on the way to rob my husband"s safe of my sister-in-law"s money.
My husband"s custom was to let his keys remain in his pockets when he took off his clothes for the night, leaving them in the dressing-room. I picked out the key of the safe and opened it.
The slight sound it made seemed to wake the whole world! A sudden chill turned my hands and feet icy cold, and I shivered all over.
There was a drawer inside the safe. On opening this I found the money, not in currency notes, but in gold rolled up in paper. I had no time to count out what I wanted. There were twenty rolls, all of which I took and tied up in a corner of my __sari__.
What a weight it was. The burden of the theft crushed my heart to the dust. Perhaps notes would have made it seem less like thieving, but this was all gold.
After I had stolen into my room like a thief, it felt like my own room no longer. All the most precious rights which I had over it vanished at the touch of my theft. I began to mutter to myself, as though telling __mantrams: Bande Mataram, Bande Mataram__, my Country, my golden Country, all this gold is for you, for none else!
But in the night the mind is weak. I came back into the bedroom where my husband was asleep, closing my eyes as I pa.s.sed through, and went off to the open terrace beyond, on which I lay p.r.o.ne, clasping to my breast the end of the __sari__ tied over the gold. And each one of the rolls gave me a shock of pain.
The silent night stood there with forefinger upraised. I could not think of my house as separate from my country: I had robbed my house, I had robbed my country. For this sin my house had ceased to be mine, my country also was estranged from me. Had I died begging for my country, even unsuccessfully, that would have been worship, acceptable to the G.o.ds. But theft is never worship--how then can I offer this gold? Ah me! I am doomed to death myself, must I desecrate my country with my impious touch?
The way to put the money back is closed to me. I have not the strength to return to the room, take again that key, open once more that safe--I should swoon on the threshold of my husband"s door. The only road left now is the road in front.
Neither have I the strength deliberately to sit down and count the coins. Let them remain behind their coverings: I cannot calculate.
There was no mist in the winter sky. The stars were shining brightly. If, thought I to myself, as I lay out there, I had to steal these stars one by one, like golden coins, for my country-- these stars so carefully stored up in the bosom of the darkness-- then the sky would be blinded, the night widowed for ever, and my theft would rob the whole world. But was not also this very thing I had done a robbing of the whole world--not only of money, but of trust, of righteousness?
I spent the night lying on the terrace. When at last it was morning, and I was sure that my husband had risen and left the room, then only with my shawl pulled over my head, could I retrace my steps towards the bedroom.
My sister-in-law was about, with her bra.s.s pot, watering her plants. When she saw me pa.s.sing in the distance she cried: "Have you heard the news, Chota Rani?"
I stopped in silence, all in a tremor. It seemed to me that the rolls of sovereigns were bulging through the shawl. I feared they would burst and scatter in a ringing shower, exposing to all the servants of the house the thief who had made herself dest.i.tute by robbing her own wealth.
"Your band of robbers," she went on, "have sent an anonymous message threatening to loot the treasury."
I remained as silent as a thief.
"I was advising Brother Nikhil to seek your protection," she continued banteringly. "Call off your minions, Robber Queen! We will offer sacrifices to your __Bande Mataram__ if you will but save us. What doings there are these days!--but for the Lord"s sake, spare our house at least from burglary."
I hastened into my room without reply. I had put my foot on quicksand, and could not now withdraw it. Struggling would only send me down deeper.
If only the time would arrive when I could hand over the money to Sandip! I could bear it no longer, its weight was breaking through my very ribs.
It was still early when I got word that Sandip was awaiting me.
Today I had no thought of adornment. Wrapped as I was in my shawl, I went off to the outer apartments. As I entered the sitting-room I saw Sandip and Amulya there, together. All my dignity, all my honour, seemed to run tingling through my body from head to foot and vanish into the ground. I should have to lay bare a woman"s uttermost shame in sight of this boy! Could they have been discussing my deed in their meeting place? Had any vestige of a veil of decency been left for me?
We women shall never understand men. When they are bent on making a road for some achievement, they think nothing of breaking the heart of the world into pieces to pave it for the progress of their chariot. When they are mad with the intoxication of creating, they rejoice in destroying the creation of the Creator. This heart-breaking shame of mine will not attract even a glance from their eyes. They have no feeling for life itself--all their eagerness is for their object. What am I to them but a meadow flower in the path of a torrent in flood?
What good will this extinction of me be to Sandip? Only five thousand rupees? Was not I good for something more than only five thousand rupees? Yes, indeed! Did I not learn that from Sandip himself, and was I not able in the light of this knowledge to despise all else in my world? I was the giver of light, of life, of __Shakti__, of immortality--in that belief, in that joy, I had burst all my bounds and come into the open. Had anyone then fulfilled for me that joy, I should have lived in my death. I should have lost nothing in the loss of my all.
Do they want to tell me now that all this was false? The psalm of my praise which was sung so devotedly, did it bring me down from my heaven, not to make heaven of earth, but only to level heaven itself with the dust?
XVI
"The money, Queen?" said Sandip with his keen glance full on my face.
Amulya also fixed his gaze on me. Though not my own mother"s child, yet the dear lad is brother to me; for mother is mother all the world over. With his guileless face, his gentle eyes, his innocent youth, he looked at me. And I, a woman--of his mother"s s.e.x--how could I hand him poison, just because he asked for it?
"The money, Queen!" Sandip"s insolent demand rang in my ears.
For very shame and vexation I felt I wanted to fling that gold at Sandip"s head. I could hardly undo the knot of my __sari__, my fingers trembled so. At last the paper rolls dropped on the table.
Sandip"s face grew black ... He must have thought that the rolls were of silver ... What contempt was in his looks. What utter disgust at incapacity. It was almost as if he could have struck me! He must have suspected that I had come to parley with him, to offer to compound his claim for five thousand rupees with a few hundreds. There was a moment when I thought he would s.n.a.t.c.h up the rolls and throw them out of the window, declaring that he was no beggar, but a king claiming tribute.
"Is that all?" asked Amulya with such pity welling up in his voice that I wanted to sob out aloud. I kept my heart tightly pressed down, and merely nodded my head. Sandip was speechless.
He neither touched the rolls, nor uttered a sound.
My humiliation went straight to the boy"s heart. With a sudden, feigned enthusiasm he exclaimed: "It"s plenty. It will do splendidly. You have saved us." With which he tore open the covering of one of the rolls.
The sovereigns shone out. And in a moment the black covering seemed to be lifted from Sandip"s countenance also. His delight beamed forth from his features. Unable to control his sudden revulsion of feeling, he sprang up from his seat towards me.
What he intended I know not. I flashed a lightning glance towards Amulya--the colour had left the boy"s face as at the stroke of a whip. Then with all my strength I thrust Sandip from me. As he reeled back his head struck the edge of the marble table and he dropped on the floor. There he lay awhile, motionless. Exhausted with my effort, I sank back on my seat.
Amulya"s face lightened with a joyful radiance. He did not even turn towards Sandip, but came straight up, took the dust of my feet, and then remained there, sitting on the floor in front of me. O my little brother, my child! This reverence of yours is the last touch of heaven left in my empty world! I could contain myself no longer, and my tears flowed fast. I covered my eyes with the end of my __sari__, which I pressed to my face with both my hands, and sobbed and sobbed. And every time that I felt on my feet his tender touch trying to comfort me my tears broke out afresh.
After a little, when I had recovered myself and taken my hands from my face, I saw Sandip back at the table, gathering up the sovereigns in his handkerchief, as if nothing had happened.
Amulya rose to his seat, from his place near my feet, his wet eyes shining.
Sandip coolly looked up at my face as he remarked: "It is six thousand."
"What do we want with so much, Sandip Babu?" cried Amulya.
"Three thousand five hundred is all we need for our work."
"Our wants are not for this one place only," Sandip replied. "We shall want all we can get."
"That may be," said Amulya. "But in future I undertake to get you all you want. Out of this, Sandip Babu, please return the extra two thousand five hundred to the Maharani."
Sandip glanced enquiringly at me.
"No, no," I exclaimed. "I shall never touch that money again.
Do with it as you will."
"Can man ever give as woman can?" said Sandip, looking towards Amulya.