In my nightmare, I"m dressed in the silk bridal gown, but it"s torn and muddy. The long sleeves keep getting caught on thorns and branches as I run through the woods. The pack of muttation tributes draws closer and closer until it overcomes me with hot breath and dripping fangs and I scream myself awake.
It"s too close to dawn to bother trying to get back to sleep. Besides, today I really have to get out and talk to someone. Gale will be unreachable in the mines. But I need Haymitch or Peeta or somebody to share the burden of all that has happened to me since I went to the lake. Fleeing outlaws, electrified fences, an independent District 13, shortages in the Capitol. Everything.
I eat breakfast with my mother and Prim and head out in search of a confidant. The air"s warm with hopeful hints of spring in it. Spring would be a good time for an uprising, I think. Everyone feels less vulnerable once winter pa.s.ses. Peeta"s not home. I guess he"s already gone into town. I"m surprised to see Haymitch moving around his kitchen so early, though. I walk into his house without knocking. I can hear Hazelle upstairs, sweeping the floors of the now-spotless house. Haymitch isn"t flat-out drunk, but he doesn"t look too steady, either. I guess the rumors about Ripper being back in business are true. I"m thinking maybe I better let him just go to bed, when he suggests a walk to town.
Haymitch and I can speak in a kind of shorthand now. In a few minutes I"ve updated him and he"s told me about rumors of uprisings in Districts 7 and 11 as well. If my hunches are right, this would mean almost half the districts have at least attempted to rebel.
"Do you still think it won"t work here?" I ask.
"Not yet. Those other districts, they"re much larger. Even if half the people cower in their homes, the rebels stand a chance. Here in Twelve, it"s got to be all of us or nothing," he says.
I hadn"t thought of that. How we lack strength of numbers. "But maybe at some point?" I insist.
"Maybe. But we"re small, we"re weak, and we don"t develop nuclear weapons," says Haymitch with a touch of sarcasm. He didn"t get too excited over my District 13 story.
"What do you think they"ll do, Haymitch? To the districts that are rebelling?" I ask.
"Well, you"ve heard what they did in Eight. You"ve seen what they did here, and that was without provocation," says Haymitch. "If things really do get out of hand, I think they"d have no problem killing off another district, same as they did Thirteen. Make an example of it, you know?"
"So you think Thirteen was really destroyed? I mean, Bonnie and Twill were right about the footage of the mocking-jay," I say.
"Okay, but what does that prove? Nothing, really. There are plenty of reasons they could be using old footage. Probably it looks more impressive. And it"s a lot simpler, isn"t it? To just press a few b.u.t.tons in the editing room than to fly all the way out there and film it?" he says. "The idea that Thirteen has somehow rebounded and and the Capitol is ignoring it? That sounds like the kind of rumor desperate people cling to." the Capitol is ignoring it? That sounds like the kind of rumor desperate people cling to."
"I know. I was just hoping," I say.
"Exactly. Because you"re desperate," says Haymitch.
I don"t argue because, of course, he"s right.
Prim comes home from school bubbling over with excitement. The teachers announced there was mandatory programming tonight. "I think it"s going to be your photo shoot!"
"It can"t be, Prim. They only did the pictures yesterday," I tell her.
"Well, that"s what somebody heard," she says.
I"m hoping she"s wrong. I haven"t had time to prepare Gale for any of this. Since the whipping, I only see him when he comes to the house for my mother to check how he"s healing. He"s often scheduled seven days a week in the mine. In the few minutes of privacy we"ve had, with me walking him back to town, I gather that the rumblings of an uprising in 12 have been subdued by Thread"s crackdown. He knows I"m not going to run. But he must also know that if we don"t revolt in 12, I"m destined to be Peeta"s bride. Seeing me lounging around in gorgeous gowns on his television ... what can he do with that?
When we gather around the television at seven-thirty, I discover that Prim is right. Sure enough, there"s Caesar Flickerman, speaking before a standing-room-only crowd in front of the Training Center, talking to an appreciative crowd about my upcoming nuptials. He introduces Cinna, who became an overnight star with his costumes for me in the Games, and after a minute of good-natured chitchat, we"re directed to turn our attention to a giant screen.
I see now how they could photograph me yesterday and present the special tonight. Initially, Cinna designed two dozen wedding gowns. Since then, there"s been the process of narrowing down the designs, creating the dresses, and choosing the accessories. Apparently, in the Capitol, there were opportunities to vote for your favorites at each stage. This is all culminating with shots of me in the final six dresses, which I"m sure took no time at all to insert in the show. Each shot is met with a huge reaction from the crowd. People screaming and cheering for their favorites, booing the ones they don"t like. Having voted, and probably bet on the winner, people are very invested in my wedding gown. It"s bizarre to watch when I think how I never even bothered to try one on before the cameras arrived. Caesar announces that interested parties must cast their final vote by noon on the following day.
"Let"s get Katniss Everdeen to her wedding in style!" he hollers to the crowd. I"m about to shut off the television, but then Caesar is telling us to stay tuned for the other big event of the evening. "That"s right, this year will be the seventy-fifth anniversary of the Hunger Games, and that means it"s time for our third Quarter Quell!"
"What will they do?" asks Prim. "It isn"t for months yet.
We turn to our mother, whose expression is solemn and distant, as if she"s remembering something. "It must be the reading of the card."
The anthem plays, and my throat tightens with revulsion as President Snow takes the stage. He"s followed by a young boy dressed in a white suit, holding a simple wooden box. The anthem ends, and President Snow begins to speak, to remind us all of the Dark Days from which the Hunger Games were born. When the laws for the Games were laid out, they dictated that every twenty-five years the anniversary would be marked by a Quarter Quell. It would call for a glorified version of the Games to make fresh the memory of those killed by the districts" rebellion.
These words could not be more pointed, since I suspect several districts are rebelling right now.
President Snow goes on to tell us what happened in the previous Quarter Quells. "On the twenty-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that their children were dying because of their choice to initiate violence, every district was made to hold an election and vote on the tributes who would represent it."
I wonder how that would have felt. Picking the kids who had to go. It is worse, I think, to be turned over by your own neighbors than have your name drawn from the reaping ball.
"On the fiftieth anniversary," the president continues, "as a reminder that two rebels died for each Capitol citizen, every district was required to send twice as many tributes."
I imagine facing a field of forty-seven instead of twenty-three. Worse odds, less hope, and ultimately more dead kids. That was the year Haymitch won... .
"I had a friend who went that year," says my mother quietly. "Maysilee Donner. Her parents owned the sweetshop. They gave me her songbird after. A canary."
Prim and I exchange a look. It"s the first we"ve ever heard of Maysilee Donner. Maybe because my mother knew we would want to know how she died.
"And now we honor our third Quarter Quell," says the president. The little boy in white steps forward, holding out the box as he opens the lid. We can see the tidy, upright rows of yellowed envelopes. Whoever devised the Quarter Quell system had prepared for centuries of Hunger Games. The president removes an envelope clearly marked with a 75. He runs his finger under the flap and pulls out a small square of paper. Without hesitation, he reads, "On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."
My mother gives a faint shriek and Prim buries her face in her hands, but I feel more like the people I see in the crowd on television. Slightly baffled. What does it mean? Existing pool of victors?
Then I get it, what it means. At least, for me. District 12 only has three existing victors to choose from. Two male. One female ...
I am going back into the arena.
My body reacts before my mind does and I"m running out the door, across the lawns of the Victor"s Village, into the dark beyond. Moisture from the sodden ground soaks my socks and I"m aware of the sharp bite of the wind, but I don"t stop. Where? Where to go? The woods, of course. I"m at the fence before the hum makes me remember how very trapped I am. I back away, panting, turn on my heel, and take off again.
The next thing I know I"m on my hands and knees in the cellar of one of the empty houses in the Victor"s Village. Faint shafts of moonlight come in through the window wells above my head. I"m cold and wet and winded, but my escape attempt has done nothing to subdue the hysteria rising up inside me. It will drown me unless it"s released. I ball up the front of my shirt, stuff it into my mouth, and begin to scream. How long this continues, I don"t know. But when I stop, my voice is almost gone.
I curl up on my side and stare at the patches of moonlight on the cement floor. Back in the arena. Back in the place of nightmares. That"s where I am going. I have to admit I didn"t see it coming. I saw a mult.i.tude of other things. Being publicly humiliated, tortured, and executed.
Fleeing through the wilderness, pursued by Peacekeepers and hovercraft. Marriage to Peeta with our children forced into the arena. But never that I myself would have to be a player in the Games again. Why? Because there"s no precedent for it. Victors are out of the reaping for life. That"s the deal if you win. Until now.
There"s some kind of sheeting, the kind they put down when they paint. I pull it over me like a blanket. In the distance, someone is calling my name. But at the moment, I excuse myself from thinking about even those I love most. I think only of me. And what lies ahead.
The sheeting"s stiff but holds warmth. My muscles relax, my heart rate slows. I see the wooden box in the little boy"s hands, President Snow drawing out the yellowed envelope. Is it possible that this was really the Quarter Quell written down seventy-five years ago? It seems unlikely. It"s just too perfect an answer for the troubles that face the Capitol today. Getting rid of me and subduing the districts all in one neat little package.
I hear President Snow"s voice in my head. "On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors." "On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."
Yes, victors are our strongest. They"re the ones who survived the arena and slipped the noose of poverty that strangles the rest of us. They, or should I say we, are the very embodiment of hope where there is no hope. And now twenty-three of us will be killed to show how even that hope was an illusion.
I"m glad I won only last year. Otherwise I"d know all the other victors, not just because I see them on television but because they"re guests at every Games. Even if they"re not mentoring like Haymitch always has to, most return to the Capitol each year for the event. I think a lot of them are friends. Whereas the only friend I"ll have to worry about killing will be either Peeta or Haymitch Peeta or Haymitch. Peeta or Haymitch!
I sit straight up, throwing off the sheeting. What just went through my mind? There"s no situation in which I would ever kill Peeta or Haymitch. But one of them will be in the arena with me, and that"s a fact. They may have even decided between them who it will be. Whoever is picked first, the other will have the option of volunteering to take his place. I already know what will happen. Peeta will ask Haymitch to let him go into the arena with me no matter what. For my sake. To protect me.
I stumble around the cellar, looking for an exit. How did I even get into this place? I feel my way up the steps to the kitchen and see the gla.s.s window in the door has been shattered. Must be why my hand seems to be bleeding. I hurry back into the night and head straight to Haymitch"s house. He"s sitting alone at the kitchen table, a half-emptied bottle of white liquor in one fist, his knife in the other. Drunk as a skunk.
"Ah, there she is. All tuckered out. Finally did the math, did you, sweetheart? Worked out you won"t be going in alone? And now you"re here to ask me ... what?" he says.
I don"t answer. The window"s wide open and the wind cuts through me just as if I were outside.
"I"ll admit, it was easier for the boy. He was here before I could snap the seal on a bottle. Begging me for another chance to go in. But what can you say?" He mimics my voice. ""Take his place, Haymitch, because all things being equal, I"d rather Peeta had a crack at the rest of his life than you?
I bite my lip because once he"s said it, I"m afraid that"s what I do want. For Peeta to live, even if it means Haymitch"s death. No, I don"t. He"s dreadful, of course, but Haymitch is my family now. What did I come for? What did I come for? I think. I think. What could I possibly want here? What could I possibly want here?
"I came for a drink," I say.
Haymitch bursts out laughing and slams the bottle on the table before me. I run my sleeve across the top and take a couple gulps before I come up choking. It takes a few minutes to compose myself, and even then my eyes and nose are still streaming. But inside me, the liquor feels like fire and I like it.
"Maybe it should be you," I say matter-of-factly as I pull up a chair. "You hate life, anyway."
"Very true," says Haymitch. "And since last time I tried to keep you you alive... seems like I"m obligated to save the boy this time." alive... seems like I"m obligated to save the boy this time."
"That"s another good point," I say, wiping my nose and tipping up the bottle again.
"Peeta"s argument is that since I chose you, I now owe him. Anything he wants. And what he wants is the chance to go in again to protect you," says Haymitch.
I knew it. In this way, Peeta"s not hard to predict. While I was wallowing around on the floor of that cellar, thinking only of myself, he was here, thinking only of me. Shame isn"t a strong enough word for what I feel.
"You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, you know," Haymitch says.
"Yeah, yeah," I say brusquely. "No question, he"s the superior one in this trio. So, what are you going to do?"
"I don"t know." Haymitch sighs. "Go back in with you maybe, if I can. If my name"s drawn at the reaping, it won"t matter. He"ll just volunteer to take my place."
We sit for a while in silence. "It"d be bad for you in the arena, wouldn"t it? Knowing all the others?" I ask.
"Oh, I think we can count on it being unbearable wherever I am." He nods at the bottle. "Can I have that back now?"
"No," I say, wrapping my arms around it. Haymitch pulls another bottle out from under the table and gives the top a twist. But I realize I am not just here for a drink. There"s something else I want from Haymitch. "Okay, I figured out what I"m asking," I say. "If it is Peeta and me in the Games, this time we try to keep him him alive." alive."
Something flickers across his bloodshot eyes. Pain.
"Like you said, it"s going to be bad no matter how you slice it. And whatever Peeta wants, it"s his turn to be saved. We both owe him that." My voice takes on a pleading tone.
"Besides, the Capitol hates me so much, I"m as good as dead now. He still might have a chance. Please, Haymitch. Say you"ll help me."
He frowns at his bottle, weighing my words. "All right," he says finally.
"Thanks," I say. I should go see Peeta now, but I don"t want to. My head"s spinning from the drink, and I"m so wiped out, who knows what he could get me to agree to? No, now I have to go home to face my mother and Prim.
As I stagger up the steps to my house, the front door opens and Gale pulls me into his arms. "I was wrong. We should have gone when you said," he whispers.
"No," I say. I"m having trouble focusing, and liquor keeps sloshing out of my bottle and down the back of Gale"s jacket, but he doesn"t seem to care.
"It"s not too late," he says.
Over his shoulder, I see my mother and Prim clutching each other in the doorway. We run. They die. And now I"ve got Peeta to protect. End of discussion. "Yeah, it is." My knees give way and he"s holding me up. As the alcohol overcomes my mind, I hear the gla.s.s bottle shatter on the floor. This seems appropriate since I have obviously lost my grip on everything.
When I wake up, I barely get to the toilet before the white liquor makes its reappearance. It burns just as much coming up as it did going down, and tastes twice as bad. I"m trembling and sweaty when I finish vomiting, but at least most of the stuff is out of my system. Enough made it into my bloodstream, though, to result in a pounding headache, parched mouth, and boiling stomach.
I turn on the shower and stand under the warm rain for a minute before I realize I"m still in my underclothes. My mother must have just stripped off my filthy outer ones and tucked me in bed. I throw the wet undergarments into the sink and pour shampoo on my head. My hands sting, and that"s when I notice the st.i.tches, small and even, across one palm and up the side of the other hand. Vaguely I remember breaking that gla.s.s window last night. I scrub myself from head to toe, only stopping to throw up again right in the shower. It"s mostly just bile and goes down the drain with the sweet-smelling bubbles.
Finally clean, I pull on my robe and head back to bed, ignoring my dripping hair. I climb under the blankets, sure this is what it must feel like to be poisoned. The footsteps on the stairs renew my panic from last night. I"m not ready to see my mother and Prim. I have to pull myself together to be calm and rea.s.suring, the way I was when we said our good-byes the day of the last reaping. I have to be strong. I struggle into an upright position, push my wet hair off my throbbing temples, and brace myself for this meeting. They appear in the doorway, holding tea and toast, their faces filled with concern. I open my mouth, planning to start off with some kind of joke, and burst into tears.
So much for being strong.
My mother sits on the side of the bed and Prim crawls right up next to me and they hold me, making quiet soothing sounds, until I am mostly cried out. Then Prim gets a towel and dries my hair, combing out the knots, while my mother coaxes tea and toast into me. They dress me in warm pajamas and layer more blankets on me and I drift off again.
I can tell by the light it"s late afternoon when I come round again. There"s a gla.s.s of water on my bedside table and I gulp it down thirstily. My stomach and head still feel rocky, but much better than they did earlier. I rise, dress, and braid back my hair. Before I go down, I pause at the top of the stairs, feeling slightly embarra.s.sed about the way I"ve handled the news of the Quarter Quell. My erratic flight, drinking with Haymitch, weeping. Given the circ.u.mstances, I guess I deserve one day of indulgence. I"m glad the cameras weren"t here for it, though.
Downstairs, my mother and Prim embrace me again, but they"re not overly emotional. I know they"re holding things in to make it easier on me. Looking at Prim"s face, it"s hard to imagine she"s the same frail little girl I left behind on reaping day nine months ago. The combination of that ordeal and all that has followed-the cruelty in the district, the parade of sick and wounded that she often treats by herself now if my mother"s hands are too full - these things have aged her years. She"s grown quite a bit, too; we"re practically the same height now, but that isn"t what makes her seem so much older.
My mother ladles out a mug of broth for me, and I ask for a second mug to take to Haymitch. Then I walk across the lawn to his house. He"s only just waking up and accepts the mug without comment. We sit there, almost peacefully, sipping our broth and watching the sun set through his living room window. I hear someone walking around upstairs and I a.s.sume it"s Hazelle, but a few minutes later Peeta comes down and tosses a cardboard box of empty liquor bottles on the table with finality. "There, it"s done," he says.
It"s taking all of Haymitch"s resources to focus his eyes on the bottles, so I speak up. "What"s done?"
"I"ve poured all the liquor down the drain," says Peeta.
This seems to jolt Haymitch out of his stupor, and he paws through the box in disbelief. "You what?"
"I tossed the lot," says Peeta.
"He"ll just buy more," I say.
"No, he won"t," says Peeta. "I tracked down Ripper this morning and told her I"d turn her in the second she sold to either of you. I paid her off, too, just for good measure, but I don"t think she"s eager to be back in the Peacekeepers" custody."
Haymitch takes a swipe with his knife but Peeta deflects it so easily it"s pathetic. Anger rises up in me. "What business is it of yours what he does?"
"It"s completely my business. However it falls out, two of us are going to be in the arena again with the other as mentor. We can"t afford any drunkards on this team. Especially not you, Katniss," says Peeta to me.
"What?" I sputter indignantly. It would be more convincing if I weren"t still so hungover. "Last night"s the only time I"ve ever even been drunk."
"Yeah, and look at the shape you"re in," says Peeta.
I don"t know what I expected from my first meeting with Peeta after the announcement. A few hugs and kisses. A little comfort maybe. Not this. I turn to Haymitch. "Don"t worry, I"ll get you more liquor."
"Then I"ll turn you both in. Let you sober up in the stocks," says Peeta.
"What"s the point to this?" asks Haymitch.
"The point is that two of us are coming home from the Capitol. One mentor and one victor," says Peeta. "Effie"s sending me recordings of all the living victors. We"re going to watch their Games and learn everything we can about how they fight. We"re going to put on weight and get strong. We"re going to start acting like Careers. And one of us is going to be victor again whether you two like it or not!" He sweeps out of the room, slamming the front door.
Haymitch and I wince at the bang.