"Very good," she said, "I"ll put more sausages under the grill."
My friend returned to perusing his morning paper. I waited for an explanation with growing impatience. Finally, I could stand it no longer. "I don"t understand. How could you know that in four minutes we would be receiving a visitor? There was no telegram, no message of any kind."
He smiled thinly. "You did not hear the clatter of a brougham several minutes ago? It slowed as it pa.s.sed us-obviously as the driver identified our door-then it sped up and went past, up into the Marylebone Road. There is a crush of carriages and taxicabs letting off pa.s.sengers at the railway station and at the waxworks, and it is in that crush that anyone wishing to alight without being observed will go. The walk from there to here is but four minutes... "
He glanced at his pocket watch, and as he did so I heard a tread on the stairs outside.
"Come in, Lestrade," he called. "The door is ajar, and your sausages are just coming out from under the grill."
A man I took to be Lestrade opened the door, then closed it carefully behind him. "I should not," he said. "But truth to tell, I have not had a chance to break my fast this morning. And I could certainly do justice to a few of those sausages." He was the small man I had observed on several occasions previously, whose demeanour was that of a traveller in rubber novelties or patent nostrums.
My friend waited until our landlady had left the room before he said, "Obviously, I take it this is a matter of national importance."
"My stars," said Lestrade, and he paled. "Surely the word cannot be out already. Tell me it is not." He began to pile his plate high with sausages, kipper fillets, kedgeree, and toast, but his hands shook a little.
"Of course not," said my friend. "I know the squeak of your brougham wheels, though, after all this time: an oscillating G-sharp above high C. And if Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard cannot publically be seen to come into the parlour of London"s only consulting detective, yet comes anyway, and without having had his breakfast, then I know that this is not a routine case. Ergo, it involves those above us and is a matter of national importance."
Lestrade dabbed egg yolk from his chin with his napkin. I stared at him. He did not look like my idea of a police inspector, but then, my friend looked little enough like my idea of a consulting detective-whatever that might be.
"Perhaps we should discuss the matter privately," Lestrade said, glancing at me.
My friend began to smile impishly, and his head moved on his shoulders as it did when he was enjoying a private joke. "Nonsense," he said. "Two heads are better than one. And what is said to one of us is said to us both."
"If I am intruding-" I said gruffly, but he motioned me to silence.
Lestrade shrugged. "It"s all the same to me," he said, after a moment. "If you solve the case, then I have my job. If you don"t, then I have no job. You use your methods, that"s what I say. It can"t make things any worse."
"If there"s one thing that a study of history has taught us, it is that things can always get worse," said my friend. "When do we go to Sh.o.r.editch?"
Lestrade dropped his fork. "This is too bad!" he exclaimed. "Here you are, making sport of me, when you know all about the matter! You should be ashamed-"
"No one has told me anything of the matter. When a police inspector walks into my room with fresh splashes of mud of that peculiar yellow hue on his boots and trouser legs, I can surely be forgiven for presuming that he has recently walked past the diggings at Hobbs Lane in Sh.o.r.editch, which is the only place in London that particular mustard-coloured clay seems to be found."
Inspector Lestrade looked embarra.s.sed. "Now you put it like that," he said, "it seems so obvious."
My friend pushed his plate away from him. "Of course it does," he said, slightly testily.
We rode to the East End in a cab. Inspector Lestrade had walked up to the Marylebone Road to find his brougham, and left us alone.
"So you are truly a consulting detective?" I said.
"The only one in London, or perhaps the world," said my friend. "I do not take cases. Instead, I consult. Others bring me their insoluble problems, they describe them, and, sometimes, I solve them."
"Then those people who come to you... "
"Are, in the main, police officers, or are detectives themselves, yes."
It was a fine morning, but we were now jolting about the edges of the Rookery of St. Giles, that warren of thieves and cutthroats which sits on London like a cancer on the face of a pretty flower seller, and the only light to enter the cab was dim and faint.
"Are you sure that you wish me along with you?"
In reply, my friend stared at me without blinking. "I have a feeling," he said. "I have a feeling that we were meant to be together. That we have fought the good fight, side by side, in the past or in the future, I do not know. I am a rational man, but I have learned the value of a good companion, and from the moment I clapped eyes on you, I knew I trusted you as well as I do myself. Yes. I want you with me."
I blushed, or said something meaningless. For the first time since Afghanistan, I felt that I had worth in the world.
2. THE ROOM.
Victor"s "Vitae"! An electrical fluid! Do your limbs and nether regions lack life? Do you look back on the days of your youth with envy? Are the pleasures of the flesh now buried and forgot? Victor"s "Vitae" will bring life where life has long been lost: even the oldest warhorse can be a proud stallion once more! Bringing Life to the Dead: from an old family recipe and the best of modern science. To receive signed attestations of the efficacy of Victor"s "Vitae" write to the V. von F. Company. 1b Cheap Street. London.
It was a cheap rooming house in Sh.o.r.editch. There was a policeman at the front door. Lestrade greeted him by name and made to usher us in, but my friend squatted on the doorstep and pulled a magnifying gla.s.s from his coat pocket. He examined the mud on the wrought-iron boot sc.r.a.per, prodding at it with his forefinger. Only when he was satisfied would he let us go inside.
We walked upstairs. The room in which the crime had been committed was obvious: it was flanked by two burly constables.
Lestrade nodded to the men, and they stood aside. We walked in.
I am not, as I said, a writer by profession, and I hesitate to describe that place, knowing that my words cannot do it justice. Still, I have begun this narrative, and I fear I must continue. A murder had been committed in that little bedsit. The body, what was left of it, was still there on the floor. I saw it, but at first, somehow, I did not see it. What I saw instead was what had sprayed and gushed from the throat and chest of the victim: in colour it ranged from bile green to gra.s.s green. It had soaked into the threadbare carpet and spattered the wallpaper. I imagined it for one moment the work of some h.e.l.lish artist who had decided to create a study in emerald.
After what seemed like a hundred years I looked down at the body, opened like a rabbit on a butcher"s slab, and tried to make sense of what I saw. I removed my hat, and my friend did the same.
He knelt and inspected the body, examining the cuts and gashes. Then he pulled out his magnifying gla.s.s and walked over to the wall, investigating the gouts of drying ichor.
"We"ve already done that," said Inspector Lestrade.
"Indeed?" said my friend. "What did you make of this, then? I do believe it is a word."
Lestrade walked to the place my friend was standing and looked up. There was a word, written in capitals, in green blood, on the faded yellow wallpaper, some little way above Lestrade"s head. "Rache... ?" "Rache... ?" said Lestrade, spelling it out. "Obviously he was going to write said Lestrade, spelling it out. "Obviously he was going to write Rachel, Rachel, but he was interrupted. So-we must look for a woman... " but he was interrupted. So-we must look for a woman... "
My friend said nothing. He walked back to the corpse, and picked up its hands, one after the other. The fingertips were clean of ichor. "I think we have established that the word was not written by His Royal Highness."
"What the devil makes you say-"
"My dear Lestrade. Please give me some credit for having a brain. The corpse is obviously not that of a man-the colour of his blood, the number of limbs, the eyes, the position of the face-all these things bespeak the blood royal. While I cannot say which which royal line, I would hazard that he is an heir, perhaps-no, second to the throne-in one of the German princ.i.p.alities." royal line, I would hazard that he is an heir, perhaps-no, second to the throne-in one of the German princ.i.p.alities."
"That is amazing." Lestrade hesitated, then he said, "This is Prince Franz Drago of Bohemia. He was here in Albion as a guest of Her Majesty Victoria. Here for a holiday and a change of air... "
"For the theatres, the wh.o.r.es, and the gaming tables, you mean."
"If you say so." Lestrade looked put out. "Anyway, you"ve given us a fine lead with this Rachel woman. Although I don"t doubt we would have found her on our own."
"Doubtless," said my friend.
He inspected the room further, commenting acidly several times that the police had obscured footprints with their boots and moved things that might have been of use to anyone attempting to reconstruct the events of the previous night. Still, he seemed interested in a small patch of mud he found behind the door.
Beside the fireplace he found what appeared to be some ash or dirt.
"Did you see this?" he asked Lestrade.
"Her Majesty"s police," replied Lestrade, "tend not to be excited by ash in a fireplace. It"s where ash tends to be found." And he chuckled at that.
My friend took a pinch of the ash and rubbed it between his fingers, then sniffed the remains. Finally, he scooped up what was left of the material and tipped it into a gla.s.s vial, which he stoppered and placed in an inner pocket of his coat.
He stood up. "And the body?"
Lestrade said, "The palace will send their own people."
My friend nodded at me, and together we walked to the door. My friend sighed. "Inspector. Your quest for Miss Rachel may prove fruitless. Among other things, Rache Rache is a German word. It means "revenge." Check your dictionary. There are other meanings." is a German word. It means "revenge." Check your dictionary. There are other meanings."
We reached the bottom of the stair and walked out onto the street.
"You have never seen royalty before this morning, have you?" he asked. I shook my head. "Well, the sight can be unnerving, if you"re unprepared. Why my good fellow-you are trembling!"
"Forgive me. I shall be fine in moments."
"Would it do you good to walk?" he asked, and I a.s.sented, certain that if I did not walk I would begin to scream.
"West, then," said my friend, pointing to the dark tower of the palace. And we commenced to walk.
"So," said my friend, after some time. "You have never had any personal encounters with any of the crowned heads of Europe?"
"No," I said.
"I believe I can confidently state that you shall," he told me. "And not with a corpse this time. Very soon."
"My dear fellow, whatever makes you believe-?"
In reply he pointed to a carriage, black-painted, that had pulled up fifty yards ahead of us. A man in a black top hat and a greatcoat stood by the door, holding it open, waiting silently. A coat of arms familiar to every child in Albion was painted in gold upon the carriage door.
"There are invitations one does not refuse," said my friend. He doffed his own hat to the footman, and I do believe that he was smiling as he climbed into the boxlike s.p.a.ce and relaxed back into the soft leathery cushions.
When I attempted to speak with him during the journey to the palace, he placed his finger over his lips. Then he closed his eyes and seemed sunk deep in thought. I, for my part, tried to remember what I knew of German royalty, but apart from the Queen"s consort, Prince Albert, being German, I knew little enough.
I put a hand in my pocket, pulled out a handful of coins-brown and silver, black and copper green. I stared at the portrait of our Queen stamped on each of them, and felt both patriotic pride and stark dread. I told myself I had once been a military man, and a stranger to fear, and I could remember a time when this had been the plain truth. For a moment I remembered a time when I had been a crack shot-even, I liked to think, something of a marksman-but now my right hand shook as if it were palsied, and the coins jingled and c.h.i.n.ked, and I felt only regret.
3. THE PALACE.
At Long Last Dr. Henry Jekyll is proud to announce the general release of the world-renowned "Jekyll"s Powders" for popular consumption. No longer the province of the privileged few. Release the Inner You! For Inner and Outer Cleanliness! Release the Inner You! For Inner and Outer Cleanliness! TOO MANY PEOPLE TOO MANY PEOPLE, both men and women, suffer from CONSTIPATION OF THE SOUL! CONSTIPATION OF THE SOUL! Relief is immediate and cheap-with Jekyll"s powders! (Available in Vanilla and Original Mentholatum Formulations.) Relief is immediate and cheap-with Jekyll"s powders! (Available in Vanilla and Original Mentholatum Formulations.) The Queen"s consort, Prince Albert, was a big man, with an impressive handlebar mustache and a receding hairline, and he was undeniably and entirely human. He met us in the corridor, nodded to my friend and to me, did not ask us for our names or offer to shake hands.
"The Queen is most upset," he said. He had an accent. He p.r.o.nounced his Ss as Zs: Mozt. Upzet. Mozt. Upzet. "Franz was one of her favourites. She has many nephews. But he made her laugh so. You will find the ones who did this to him." "Franz was one of her favourites. She has many nephews. But he made her laugh so. You will find the ones who did this to him."
"I will do my best," said my friend.
"I have read your monographs," said Prince Albert. "It was I who told them that you should be consulted. I hope I did right."
"As do I," said my friend.
And then the great door was opened, and we were ushered into the darkness and the presence of the Queen.
She was called Victoria because she had beaten us in battle seven hundred years before, and she was called Gloriana because she was glorious, and she was called the Queen because the human mouth was not shaped to say her true name. She was huge-huger than I had imagined possible-and she squatted in the shadows staring down at us without moving.
Thizsz muzzst be zsolved. The words came from the shadows. The words came from the shadows.
"Indeed, ma"am," said my friend.
A limb squirmed and pointed at me. Zstepp forward. Zstepp forward.
I wanted to walk. My legs would not move.
My friend came to my rescue then. He took me by the elbow and walked me toward Her Majesty.
Isz not to be afraid. Isz to be worthy. Isz to be a companion. That was what she said to me. Her voice was a very sweet contralto, with a distant buzz. Then the limb uncoiled and extended, and she touched my shoulder. There was a moment, but only a moment, of pain deeper and more profound than anything I have ever experienced, and then it was replaced by a pervasive sense of well-being. I could feel the muscles in my shoulder relax, and for the first time since Afghanistan, I was free from pain. That was what she said to me. Her voice was a very sweet contralto, with a distant buzz. Then the limb uncoiled and extended, and she touched my shoulder. There was a moment, but only a moment, of pain deeper and more profound than anything I have ever experienced, and then it was replaced by a pervasive sense of well-being. I could feel the muscles in my shoulder relax, and for the first time since Afghanistan, I was free from pain.
Then my friend walked forward. Victoria spoke to him, yet I could not hear her words; I wondered if they went, somehow, directly from her mind to his, if this was the Queen"s counsel I had read about in the histories. He replied aloud.
"Certainly, ma"am. I can tell you that there were two other men with your nephew in that room in Sh.o.r.editch, that night-the footprints, although obscured, were unmistakable." And then, "Yes. I understand... I believe so... yes."
He was quiet when we left and said nothing to me as we rode back to Baker Street.
It was dark already. I wondered how long we had spent in the palace.
Upon our return to Baker Street, in the looking gla.s.s of my room, I observed that the frog-white skin across my shoulder had taken on a pinkish tinge. I hoped that I was not imagining it, that it was not merely the moonlight through the window.
4. THE PERFORMANCE.
LIVER COMPLAINTS?! BILIOUS ATTACKS?! NEU-RASTHENIC DISTURBANCES?! QUINSY?! ARTHRITIS?! These are just a handful of the These are just a handful of the complaints complaints for which a professional for which a professional EXSANGUINATION EXSANGUINATION can be the can be the remedy. remedy. In our offices we have sheaves of In our offices we have sheaves of TESTIMONIALS TESTIMONIALS which can be inspected by the public which can be inspected by the public at any time. at any time. Do not put your health in the hands of Do not put your health in the hands of amateurs!! amateurs!! We have been doing this for a very long time: We have been doing this for a very long time: V. TEPES-PROFESSIONAL V. TEPES-PROFESSIONAL EXSANGUINATOR EXSANGUINATOR. (Remember! It is p.r.o.nounced (Remember! It is p.r.o.nounced Tzsep-pesh!) Tzsep-pesh!) Romania, Paris, London, Whitby. Romania, Paris, London, Whitby. You"ve tried the rest You"ve tried the rest-NOW TRY THE BEST!!
That my friend was a master of disguise should have come as no surprise to me, yet surprise me it did. Over the next ten days a strange a.s.sortment of characters came in through our door on Baker Street-an elderly Chinese man, a young roue, a fat, red-haired woman of whose former profession there could be little doubt, and a venerable old buffer, his foot swollen and bandaged from gout. Each of them would walk into my friend"s room, and with a speed that would have done justice to a music-hall "quick-change artist," my friend would walk out.
He would not talk about what he had been doing on these occasions, preferring to relax and stare off into s.p.a.ce, occasionally making notations on any sc.r.a.p of paper to hand-notations I found, frankly, incomprehensible. He seemed entirely preoccupied, so much so that I found myself worrying about his well-being. And then, late one afternoon, he came home dressed in his own clothes, with an easy grin upon his face, and he asked if I was interested in the theatre.
"As much as the next man," I told him.
"Then fetch your opera gla.s.ses," he told me. "We are off to Drury Lane."